On love, i have to say this or i'll burst

[vixen]

A small child walks over to the rooms heater, she puts her hand on one of the big metal rails the runs perpendicular to the floor. Her hand is burnt, she yelps and pulls it away crying. This was a lesson in life, she will no longer touch the big hot thing.

 

A man stands stiff as a board, the phone to his ear is barely held in his grasp, she said the unthinkable, "i don't love you anymore, I'm sorry, but i just don't want to be in a relationship right now." Methodically he puts the receiver down, and sits on the couch next to the phone. He drops his head in his hands, to overcome with emotions to even cry, that will come later, after the denial. Will he learn his lesson, NO, he will try again, and unlike the little girl, he will get burnt, once more.

 

Does anybody see my point or do i have to spell it out?

 

Just in case. My point is why keep doing something that's going to hurt? If you hit yourself in the head with a baseball bat it hurts right? Would you do it again? No right? So why keep allowing your self to fall in love?

 

I know everyone's going to argue with me. They'll bring up some set of grand parents "happily" married for some eons, and then they will say, but being in love is worth all the pain of falling out of love, or having your heart broken. Well i don't know about you people but i've learned my lesson. Love hurts. It's way to painful. No thank you. I don't want any part of it. Heart ache is thee most painful thing i've ever experienced in my life. (and i've had a spinal tap) and all sorts of broken things, and stitches, and what not. Sure i've yet to loose a finger, but i bet it hurts less.

 

*now for my rant*

Human beings are so stupid. Constantly trying to find "true love" wake up call, it don't exist. Here we are wasting precious time seeking out another person who we can be compatible with for the rest of our lives. It's foolish. It's never going to happen. Sure some one will come along, and there will be peace and happiness, for a few months, a few years, maybe longer, but oops, guess what, it don't last. Our grandparents lived in a time where things were different. We don't think like them, act like them, live like them, and we didn't grow up with environment that they did. So news flash, we arn't them, and we're not going to get what they got. No marriage is happy, bed of rocks i tell you. Just because grandma and grandpa were sweet to each other round you doesn't mean it was always that way. I bet your parents could tell ya that. My point, is it's pointless to go on and on trying to find a "soul mate" or what ever, you're not going to find it, i'm not going to find it, no one is. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just a serious or events that are happy momentarily, then hurt like the dickens, and you do it again. Nothing is permanent, and don't even think, anything is sacred in love. They say all's fair in love and war, well love=war. If you think about it. No thank you, i want peace and quiet, and the moment of attention i can get, my free bear and i'm gone. No strings, no "love" just me and my girlfriends, and no need for heartache.

 

Mother always did say, "boys will come and go, but your friends are forever"

 

Vixen

 

(I know i'm to sinacle at 25 about this, but i think maybe i just learn faster.)

[jenny]

i agree completely that romantic love is a cultural construct.

 

but who cares? it's still fun.

 

and how else can a girl get a free bear?

[Guest]

You say all that now, but as soon as you meet a man, on some day, where you didnt expect it, and

he has that twinkle in his eyes, and your stomach aches for him, and even though your not with

him, you are compellled to experience love, regardless of weither you want it or not, you will

feel in love, and you will faulter...........

[vixen]

poetic

[Errol]

I'm sorry that you feel this way -- hope that feeling doesn't last.

 

You talk about grandparents being married for a long time, then talk about how they are nice around people but still had problems at home alone.

 

Marriage takes WORK. It's not all flowers and candy all of the time. If you are not willing to suffer a little hurt sometimes, or even a big hurt - then no, it's not going to last. Its too easy for people to split up. In looking at this board I've seen people give the same advice over and over again; life is too short - divorce him/her. That's not an answer - working at a relationship, making changes in oneself, understanding yourself and knowing what you will sacrifice and what you won't, and understanding your partners hierarchy of sacrifice is what makes relationships/marriages last. It is commitment. It is being unhappy about one thing so instead of focusing on that, finding other things to be happy with/about that will make up for whatever is dissatisfying.

 

Some marriages even are able to overcome a cheating spouse -- depends on what caused the cheating. Some marriages survive phases where one partner believes that they no longer love or are in love with the other -- but because they truly made that commitment they work through it.

 

You have to recognize what a perfect relationship really is, and I think that a lot of people nowdays just don't recognize it - they have some idealized/romanticized surface description of what is a perfect relationship, but haven't a clue what consists behind the face of it and therefor do not recognize it or know how to work at it. Sometimes that comes with age and experience.

[vixen]

Well... I'm kinda scared about meeting the MIT guy, we always get along swimmingly and even though i'm suppose to be meeting up with Jesse today, i keep thinking of Alex, i mean, he is going home today, if i don't talk to him today i wont be able to for a while, and i really want to talk to him. *bites lip* see this is where the "don't get attached" thing becomes a problem.

Vixen

[yes]

it is immensely stupid not to learn and go back to the same person, knowing it's going to hurt. but the way it works is ... a man is not a hot-pipe, his behaviour may change. 99% that it won't, but there's the 1% which is what makes you to come back. mind you, this happens only when the girl thinks that 1%*happiness she expects from being with the man is greater than 99%*the pain she expects to feel if it doesn't work out AGAIN.

 

i don't know if romantic love is a cultural construct. i don't know how you call tell if it is.

 

2c,

-yes

[vixen]

I'd almost like to say thosw words fall on dead ears, but it's not dead ears per say. The trueth is i'm too committing, to loyle and to trustworthy. NO ONE, is as patiant as i am. But i am sick and tierd of being the only person to put in 120 in every relationship. Take this job and shove it. Is what i'm saying. I committed, i belived he was cheating, i belived he was being decetefull, he is the one who ran, ran away with his little ugly tomboy. Fine!! five years out the window. Or jon, who was to busy to ever ever see me. Forget it!!! i'm the only person on this planet who is going to love me like i love others, and screw the world they are not getting my love!@!@!#@%@^%##^

[yes]

oh, vixen, i'm sorry about what happened ...

[vixen]

men dont care, i'm wonderful and they dont care!!!! T_T

[Guest]

We do care.

You seem to have bad luck with some of us. I once heard a good piece of advice.

If someone is lucky once, great. If they are lucky again, greater, but if they are always

lucky, it is not luck - Perhaps if you constantly are having bad luck, there is a deeper,

more suitable reason to why you are not suceeding in your relationships.

 

Be strong, maybe with self reflection, you can figure this out. Perhaps, you want

things to work so badly, you want love so badly, that you dont let it form on its own.

 

Love cannot be forced into existance, it is something which happens on its own terms.

If you feel like looking into this more, please say so.

[yes]

Love cannot be forced into existance, it is something which happens on its own terms.

 

 

 

 

The trouble comes when it happens on its own terms for one person, but not the other ...

 

-yes

[Guest]

That that is, is.

[vixen]

ok, for instance, today i was under the impressioin i had a date with jesse. Nice enough fellow. We talked on monday he confirmed that he got my email about thursday being the only day i can go out with him. He said yeah he got the email, but that he had to go to work so that he would emial me when he got home about the time. He never emailed me. I wrote an email saying hey, i got to visit the salon at 1130 today (thursday, because i wrote that one tuesday) but i'm free after that. And still nothing. So now i have no clue if we are haveing lunch today or not? And i'm not sure how to handle it either. Do i call, My friend says one call. Do i drop by? I mean the salon is right around the corner. Do i just go eh, and ignore the whole situation and go do what ever i please? I dont' know. LOL

 

Vixen

[Guest]

Dont walk around with your heart on your sleeve. If you percieve that he will not call,

hes not going to. Respect yourself. If you have not called, you can call and say,

I tried to email you, but I dont think it got through, because I havent heard from you.

If we are still on for lunch let me know.

 

Then the ball is in his court, from there: what will be will be.

 

After this point, it doesnt matter if he does, or does not call. Things will work, or they

wont. You can take a horse to water...

 

I would stop thinking about it so much, mind over matter.

Keep in mind, that although I give such great advice, I rarely follow it

[clia]

My point is why keep doing something that's going to hurt?

 

There is a world of difference between the two examples you described. Touching a hot stove never yields any pleasure, unless you are a masochist. Finding love can yield a lot of pleasure and good times. To get the good, you have to be prepared to deal with the bad.

 

Constantly trying to find "true love" wake up call, it don't exist.

 

I think you are looking at this in the wrong way. Getting married (or having a significant other) has nothing to do with “true love.” It has nothing to do with the passionate romance you see in the movies. It’s about everyday life, which comes down to one thing—compatibility. Many people overlook this, and go for the person they feel the most intense romantic love for, and then years later when that fades (as it always does) they are left with a person they are not very compatible with. You don’t look for the person you have loads of romance with—you look for the person you love doing ordinary, boring, everyday things with.

 

*bites lip* see this is where the "don't get attached" thing becomes a problem.

 

Tips for not getting attached: Multiple date. If you are dating other guys, it’s much easier not to get attached too soon. Keep the intimacy to a minimum—1st base only. Don’t want to let that oxytocin go crazy! Fill your life with activities. If you are busy with friends and other things, you have less time to sit around fantasizing about a guy you barely know. I think it’s the fantasy that does us in.

 

But i am sick and tierd of being the only person to put in 120 in every relationship. Take this job and shove it. Is what i'm saying.

 

You might reevaluate the kinds of men you are dating. In my old age (ha! 29), I’ve realized that the only thing that matters is character. The most important thing to me is how he treats me. I don’t care if he’s short, fat, bald, or whatever. Fall in love with the man who loves you. Do not waste time with the men who are confused about what they want and are too busy or don’t pay attention to you. You will waste too much time with the confusing man, peeping just around the corner for the joy that you know you deserve, but with the confusing man it never comes. And for all the confusing men you put up with, you become less and less receptive to the unconfusing men.

 

Do i just go eh, and ignore the whole situation and go do what ever i please?

 

Yes. He did not confirm your date. You do not have a date.

[moimeme]

Vixen - you liken love to burning yourself on a pipe. Right there in your first paragraph is your first fallacious assumption, namely:

 

why keep doing something that's going to hurt?

 

As Clia pointed out, the hot pipe will always be hot and will always yield the same results. Relationships with different people cannot be predicted with any accuracy at all, since people are all different.

 

It's never going to happen.

 

Again, fallacious assumption. You have zero evidence to prove this. That SOME love affairs end badly sometimes does not mean that ALL love affairs will end badly all the time.

 

sinacle

 

Yes, you are being CYNICAL.

 

Jenny asked:

and how else can a girl get a free bear?

 

(picturing Jenny driving a Navigator with a bear slung over the hood LOL)

 

Clia said:

you look for the person you love doing ordinary, boring, everyday things with.

 

Yes, absolutely! I knew I wanted to marry when we were folding laundry together - and having a blast! I believe that you should marry the person whose company you most enjoy.

[yes]

Clia said:

you look for the person you love doing ordinary, boring, everyday things with.

 

Yes, absolutely! I knew I wanted to marry when we were folding laundry together - and having a blast! I believe that you should marry the person whose company you most enjoy.

 

---------------------

 

I don't know if you two are talking about the same thing. You can have a blast doing banal things b/c of the romantic attraction - it doesn't require compatibility. I guess what I mean to ask is - how do you define compatibility? Isn't it just sharing the general outlook on life and having shared interests?

 

-yes

[moimeme]

You can have a blast doing banal things b/c of the romantic attraction - it doesn't require compatibility

 

No, but it can demonstrate compatibility.

 

Isn't it just sharing the general outlook on life and having shared interests?

 

Well, according to The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship, which is pretty good as these books go, there are 12 major aspects of life about which you can agree or clash. That book has a quiz on attitudes about each of these areas. They are: Physicality, Intellect, Emotions, Finances, Individuality/Independence, Spirituality, Work, Sociability, Communication, Sex, Life Habits and Family. Then there are things like how well you cooperate and how committed you are to working on the relationship. To these, I'd add that love styles and love languages are important and, per another recent article, even rhythm and energy.

 

So it's really a pretty complex equation with a lot of variables. But when it all meshes nicely, it can make doing laundry a great pleasure

[yes]

i guess it's fairly obvious what can make a solid relationship. i wonder what makes us youngsters (or many of us) feel put off by such "solid" relationships - they sounds scary and boring - kind of like a job, that fits you well and all that, but it's not exciting. eh - i guess i'm stuck w/ running after excitement and butterflies until i've had enough and then i'll look for a normal man ...

 

-yes

[Guest]

yes?

[clia]

You can have a blast doing banal things b/c of the romantic attraction - it doesn't require compatibility.

 

Romantic attraction is both highly overrated and fleeting. Don't ever fall in love with a man's thick head of hair, because he could be bald in ten years. Don't fall in love with his buff abs, because in ten years he might be sporting a spare tire. Fall in love with his eyes or ears if you have to be romantically attracted to something physical. But I'm talking about five or ten years into a relationship. You aren't always going to be blissfully staring into each other's eyes and swatting each other playfully with the towel while you fold laundry. That's the beginning of relationship stuff, the fun stuff. You have to look below that and consider: Do I have fun with this person? Do I enjoy being with this person? Does this person make ME happy? Romantic attraction clouds all of that. You get so attracted to the smell of the person, their essence, the little goofy things that drive you mad with desire....and you don't see the forest through the trees. You have to learn to look above all that.

 

I guess what I mean to ask is - how do you define compatibility? Isn't it just sharing the general outlook on life and having shared interests?

 

To me, compatibility is much more than sharing a general outlook on life and having shared interests. I trip over twelve men who fall into that category every time I leave the house. Yes, those are the bases, the anchor, but there's much more to me than that. For all of us what we consider compatible is different. For me, it's the three questions I mentioned above: Do I have fun with ths person? Do I enjoy this person's company? Does this person make me feel happy? I am not compatible with men who are too busy to spend time with me or like to go to bed at 8 p.m. or don't want to take me to football games. I am not compatible with men who say confusing things and make me stress out.

 

i guess it's fairly obvious what can make a solid relationship. i wonder what makes us youngsters (or many of us) feel put off by such "solid" relationships - they sounds scary and boring - kind of like a job, that fits you well and all that, but it's not exciting. eh - i guess i'm stuck w/ running after excitement and butterflies until i've had enough and then i'll look for a normal man ...

 

Marriage is not about fun. It's not about excitement. It's not hearts, flowers, and romance. That is why it is important to marry someone who you LIKE. LOL. Don't be fooled into thinking that once you get married every day will be a whirlwind of romance and happiness. It isn't. It's real life. You and your husband will go to work every day and get cranky sometimes and run out of orange juice. That's real life. But if you are sharing your life with someone you LIKE, then it's a great thing. If, however, you marry the man who you were so romantically attracted to that your brain was clouding up with red hearts so you didn't think clearly, eventually you may find yourself in a not so happy situation.

[yes]

thanks! (glad to see you back, btw)

 

i guess one doesn't begin to see relationships as part of real-life until later - for me, it's still mostly about excitement and butterflies and smells - and i think i shouldn't be making an effort to look past that right now - just enjoy the ride. once i'm out of my parents' house, etc, it'll probably hit me that i want somebody to really share life with, not just excitement and secrets and all that jazz. at least i hope so!

 

so when you say: You have to learn to look above all that. -- i ask: RIGHT NOW? ={

 

your definitions of compatibility make total sense to me though, and i'm sure i'll think back to them once i'm older and my conception of love reconnects with my conception of reality, heheh. i guess the tough thing for young girls is that while we don't want a normal man yet, we still want a relationship, not a fling, and that creates a conflict. man.

 

-yes

[clia]

i ask: RIGHT NOW?

 

Of course not.

 

I strongly encourage you to date as many men as possible. This is how you find out who you are compatible with. For example, you may *think* you want a man who buys you flowers all the time. But if you date this type, you might realize that flowers aren't so big a deal and they get old when you get them all the time. So maybe that's not so important. That's kind of a bad example, but you get the drift. Thinking you know what you want (eventually) in a significant other is not the same as truly experiencing it and verifying what it is that you ultimately want. And as you are still young, you may not know--you may not even know what you want for yourself yet! But instead of wasting time on men who confuse you, hurt you, and make you feel sad, go out and date lots of men who want to make you happy. Your twenties is not the time to spend heartbroken and sad when there are thousands of men out there who would cut off their left arm to make you happy.

 

But keep your eyes open...date lots of different kinds of men. Date ugly men and short men and tall men and skinny men and fat men and bald men and hot men and men with college degrees and men without college degrees. Date all different kinds of men. It's your best education. Don't discount a guy because off the bat you think he's dorky (or whatever). Go out with him once. You have nothing to lose. And he may be a diamond in the rough or you may learn something about how engines work or you may never want to see him again. Whatever, that's fine. But don't judge people too quickly. You never know who a person really, really is until you get to know them...and maybe they won't be the kind of person you *thought* you'd end up with...but so what?

[yes]

very true Clia, thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

 

i have been dating guys, even the ones i don't care for. i haven't been liking them though, and it bothered me - but you're right, i should look at it as an educational spree. if only i could shake that ex out of my head ...... every time i see him, it's all right back to me.

 

did that guy come back to your city, btw??

 

-yes