Author baloo2 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 So, is purring at each other and miaowing over video phone a little bit inappropriate for just friends? We spent hours recently on cam. One thing that gets to me is, we are just friends, but, why does he think it's appropriate to say "could you take your hair down? It's so nice and wavy like that, and it doesn't suit you when it's up!"? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 So, is purring at each other and miaowing over video phone a little bit inappropriate for just friends? We spent hours recently on cam. One thing that gets to me is, we are just friends, but, why does he think it's appropriate to say "could you take your hair down? It's so nice and wavy like that, and it doesn't suit you when it's up!"? No it is not appropriate for "friends." The bigger question is why do you continue to allow this to happen? Why do you allow him to cam-chat with you? Why do you not say something to him that you are feeling he is crossing the line? You are on here claiming how inappropriate he is being, yet you continue to put yourself into these situations. It is up to you to put your foot down if he is doing things you are not comfortable with when your status together is friends only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Perhaps, WTRanger, because am lonely, like talking and know the boundaries. I mean, I get a lot out of the friendship and I like the attention he gives me. But sometimes he gives conflicting signals,was staring at me and constantly smiling...He even groaned at one point when I stretched and then pretended as though nothing happened! it's like he pretends he does not know miaowing and purring at each other isn't a bit couply. He really acts like it's perfectly normal.Like he's saying to self :Friends do that, don't they? No it is not appropriate for "friends." The bigger question is why do you continue to allow this to happen? Why do you allow him to cam-chat with you? Why do you not say something to him that you are feeling he is crossing the line? You are on here claiming how inappropriate he is being, yet you continue to put yourself into these situations. It is up to you to put your foot down if he is doing things you are not comfortable with when your status together is friends only. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 As a male, if my female friends have not established boundaries, I can get highly sexual with them either through talk or actions. I'll test the waters with a little comment here and there and see how they react. I think that this is what this guy is doing. He knows he can go there because you haven't established any boundaries with him. If you do establish a boundary, you may not enforce it. Because even he will test those and you'll have to stand your ground. If you are solely in this for his attention, then you cannot be mad at him for crossing a line you've never established or that you'll sell out on your ideals just for a man's attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Well WT, read my back story :-) This man insists we can only be friends and constantly tells me we can't talk intimately because it is not appropriate when she is in his head. Yet he doesn't see why miaowing at me (admittedly we both did that happily) and telling me I look hot with hair down qualifies as beyond 'friendly'. Do you get me? He does not see how these subtle things are a bit couply... As a male, if my female friends have not established boundaries, I can get highly sexual with them either through talk or actions. I'll test the waters with a little comment here and there and see how they react. I think that this is what this guy is doing. He knows he can go there because you haven't established any boundaries with him. If you do establish a boundary, you may not enforce it. Because even he will test those and you'll have to stand your ground. If you are solely in this for his attention, then you cannot be mad at him for crossing a line you've never established or that you'll sell out on your ideals just for a man's attention. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) Do you understand what I'm saying in that you are not okay with what he is doing, yet you continually allow it to happen? You cannot control him, but you can control yourself. It is up to you and you alone to set boundaries and keep those boundaries. I have female friends that I have very frank sexual chats with and I am very sexual in nature with. Other female friends I know are just friends and I keep a very PC line. It all comes down to what has been established. It seems as if you are just in this for his attention even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. Because, hey, the only bad attention is no attention at all. Then by all means continue to let him do this. You'll feel a high while it is going on and the next morning when the high wears off you'll always have that dirty feeling. This is no different when house training a dog. Such as if you always allow your dog to piss and crap all over your house and not do a damn thing about it. You just sit back and whine, "Why does he keep doing that? Doesn't he know that's wrong?" Yet you don't do jack sh*t to let the dog know that is not okay to crap in your house. How is the dog supposed to know? He can't read your mind! It is not the dog's fault! He is just doing what he thinks is okay since you are not reprimanding him for doing it. So since you are not letting this guy know his comments are not what you'd expect from a friend, he is thinking this is okay. The longer you let this go on, the worse it'll get when you finally explode on him. You will dump everything on him and make him feel like the biggest pile of garbage, yet he had no idea he was making you mad. So stop being so passive or accept it. Your choice. Do you understand that or should I just go buy a pack of smokes, a length of hose, and continue to blow smoke up my own ass? Edited December 20, 2009 by WTRanger Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 hey baloo2, is this guy a lot older than you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 But he is not being sexually intimate! All I am saying is, we do thes cute little miaows etc to each other because we both like cats. Hell, I enjoy it too, but does he not realise that that is a bit couply? When I think about it he is setting boundaries but doesn't realise that us being cutesy like that is even remotely intimate? Perhaps it is his culture. He doesn't say anything sexually suggestive, apart from the one thing about the hair! You are being very aggressive when no need! I am not aggressive to you therefore I expect no aggression in return. Do you understand what I'm saying in that you are not okay with what he is doing, yet you continually allow it to happen? You cannot control him, but you can control yourself. It is up to you and you alone to set boundaries and keep those boundaries. I have female friends that I have very frank sexual chats with and I am very sexual in nature with. Other female friends I know are just friends and I keep a very PC line. It all comes down to what has been established. It seems as if you are just in this for his attention even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. Because, hey, the only bad attention is no attention at all. Then by all means continue to let him do this. You'll feel a high while it is going on and the next morning when the high wears off you'll always have that dirty feeling. This is no different when house training a dog. Such as if you always allow your dog to piss and crap all over your house and not do a damn thing about it. You just sit back and whine, "Why does he keep doing that? Doesn't he know that's wrong?" Yet you don't do jack sh*t to let the dog know that is not okay to crap in your house. How is the dog supposed to know? He can't read your mind! It is not the dog's fault! He is just doing what he thinks is okay since you are not reprimanding him for doing it. So since you are not letting this guy know his comments are not what you'd expect from a friend, he is thinking this is okay. The longer you let this go on, the worse it'll get when you finally explode on him. You will dump everything on him and make him feel like the biggest pile of garbage, yet he had no idea he was making you mad. So stop being so passive or accept it. Your choice. Do you understand that or should I just go buy a pack of smokes, a length of hose, and continue to blow smoke up my own ass? Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 No, he's not. Why? hey baloo2, is this guy a lot older than you? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 But he is not being sexually intimate! All I am saying is, we do thes cute little miaows etc to each other because we both like cats. Hell, I enjoy it too, but does he not realise that that is a bit couply? When I think about it he is setting boundaries but doesn't realise that us being cutesy like that is even remotely intimate? Perhaps it is his culture. He doesn't say anything sexually suggestive, apart from the one thing about the hair! You are being very aggressive when no need! I am not aggressive to you therefore I expect no aggression in return. Firstly, I'm not being aggressive. I'm frustrated because you aren't taking advice with an open mind. It seems as if you want us to tell you what you want to hear and if we or I say something that isn't that, you always deflect the comment back to him. Just as in your last response. It is all about him and you wanting him to do this, and his culture, and his boundaries. Do you understand that this isn't about him? This is about you and you alone! Only you can change. If you aren't comfortable with meowing to him all night, then for God's sakes don't let it happen. Don't meow back! Tell him you cannot chat with him until he respects YOUR boundaries. Do you not see that by continually allowing this to happen you are just making yourself feel worse and worse? You can't control his boundaries nor can you set his boundaries. You can only set and control your own. It is up to you to let him know if he crosses these boundaries as well. He's not a mind reader. This guy is no more than a drug to you. You are getting high off of talking to him. We all do it sometimes and I'm even guilty of it, because it does give you a good feeling to talk with someone you care about as a friend or whatever. But this guy is a bad drug because once you come down from the high, you realize this isn't what you want. If it was what you wanted you wouldn't be on here. Of course this guy realizes what he is doing is a bit couply! He continues to do it because you allow him to. I can guarantee you that he will only get more and more bold as time goes on. He doesn't say anything sexually aggressive? So where does having phone sex with this guy fall into not being or saying anything sexually aggressive? Heck, where does meowing at a girl fall into that? Seems pretty intimate to me. I just don't go out on the street and meow at strangers, do you? How many real life guys have you passed up chasing this one guy? A guy who doesn't even live in your country and whom you've never met? A guy whose ex is still in the picture. A guy who meows at you, and even though you may not think that is appropriate, you meow back. A guy who you are obviously not comfortable with his actions, yet you always put yourself in a compromising situation. Then blame him for doing so. It's no different than a drug addict blaming all of his problems on the drug dealer. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 No, he's not. Why? because honestly, the hair thing, it sounded like he was 40+ and you're 15. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 baloo2, stop flirting with disaster! Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 baloo2, stop flirting with disaster! No.He is 30 and I am 28. He just said I read too much into the hair thing. He honestly thinks it's ok to do these things,he has no ideas that it is flirty and says he would say it to other friends.He has ideas about getting back with the girlfriend as well. Oh help. I am so stupid! Help! I think he likes having his girlfriend and a hot girl on standby. Wouldn't anyone? The pretense is 'friendship'. I need out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 No.He is 30 and I am 28. He just said I read too much into the hair thing. He honestly thinks it's ok to do these things,he has no ideas that it is flirty and says he would say it to other friends.He has ideas about getting back with the girlfriend as well. Oh help. I am so stupid! Help! I think he likes having his girlfriend and a hot girl on standby. Wouldn't anyone? The pretense is 'friendship'. I need out of this. well, there you go. tell him to **** off.. go dancing.. i don't know. you laid it all out there.. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 ..and dude, you're not stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 ..and dude, you're not stupid. I am. This man has played me about so much and now he's telling me when he goes back to his girlfriend for his short overseas visit (he left today) there's a chance she might say he has to cease his friendship with me given our history). Nice. Although he is insisting I don't have to wait for his decision. I feel really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 Hi I met a man about two months ago on a dating site (one for those seeking long term relationships-a 'serious' one). We seemed to hit it off rather well and quickly moved to almost relationship territory, and talked online for hours daily. One day I get in from work and he drops the bombshell that he has only just recently broken up with an ex, assuring me he doesn't love her and he IS single, that he is going to visit her after visiting his parents in his native country (as a friend) and he is worried that I'll do a runner on this basis. I feel despondent at this point and think about ending all communication, and feel very trepidatious about his sincerity toward me (I've been hurt a lot of times in the past). He convinces me and reassures me that I have nothing to worry about. Hence, it continues as it had before. However, I still have this niggling doubt in my head regarding the relationship with the ex girlfriend. Then one day I get in from work and he sends me an email telling me cannot proceed romantically with me because he has realised he IS still in love with the ex girlfriend. Naturally, I feel down because I didn't do a runner when I should have. So we talk for a while and he insists he wants to be my friend. I proceeded as such post revelation but friends have told me it is not a good idea, because it's not really a friendship, despite everything he says, based on the fact that we met on an online dating site. They think it's about keeping me on the back burner. It is also really strange, because it was almost as it was before only there are no sexually intimate exchanges but we still chat for hours, seem even closer now, and he even does nice little thoughtful things for me, like going out his way to contact me (he doesn't have internet access at home yet-he goes into his work to contact me). I don't however understand the motivation for his wanting to be my friend, especially as we met online and have never acutally met physically. What is he getting from this friendship? He tells me now that it is because I am wonderful person, am intelligent and insightful. But I don't understand how he can apparently 'flick a switch' and move from intimacy to friendship. Do I steer clear or proceed with caution? I absolutely love talking to this man and he seems to as well. But sometimes he can get to me by saying things he possibly shouldn't e.g. "I love your laugh"... What do I do? It sounds like this guy is being as straight with you as he possibly can. You're essentially criticizing him for doing exactly what women always say they want a guy to do in this situation. He's given you all the facts and it's up to you to make the decision. I think he genuinely likes you and having you in his life but isn't ready to move forward. If you can be friends with him, do it, but stay open to dating other guys. If you can't be friends without wanting more, then cut off contact for a while and be friends when you're over him. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) ..You're essentially criticizing him for doing exactly what women always say they want a guy to do in this situation.. i disagree! Edited December 22, 2009 by Peaceful Guy Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I am. This man has played me about so much and now he's telling me when he goes back to his girlfriend for his short overseas visit (he left today) there's a chance she might say he has to cease his friendship with me given our history). Nice. Although he is insisting I don't have to wait for his decision. I feel really bad. hey, how's it goin' baloo2 i really do hope things work out well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author baloo2 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 I am ok, but I just can't be a*sed with him anymore to be honest. I don't have the energy for him anymore :-( But what do I do? Wait for him to send me an email when he's back home telling me the verdict or pre-empt any such situation and email him myself first telling him on no accounts can I be friends? hey, how's it goin' baloo2 i really do hope things work out well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 I am ok, but I just can't be a*sed with him anymore to be honest. I don't have the energy for him anymore :-( But what do I do? Wait for him to send me an email when he's back home telling me the verdict or pre-empt any such situation and email him myself first telling him on no accounts can I be friends? If you've already made up your mind then email him now and explain your reasons. After that go STRICT NO CONTACT. Under no circumstances should you answer or reply to texts, call, IMs, emails, FB, Myspace, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, hand gestures, or writing in the sky. No contact means no contact. He'll try for a while but eventually get the message. Congrats for making a decision. I wish you all the best in moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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