2 year time limit

[Malenfant]

Premeditated or not this is where most marriages end up and men usually never see it coming. The OP is asking why her bf is reluctant to to commit and this is probably a reason why. When you look at how some women act I don't see how women can ask with a straight face why so many men are afraid of commitment. Of course I know I am a big bad misogynist for pointing out what is obvious to any man who doesn't have blinders on but if the OP really wants this commitment from him she needs to show that she will honor her end of it after the dream wedding and after the honeymoon phase because so many don't.

 

i dont deny that many marriages end up this way..

I can understand why people want to get married, but i dont understand it being so important that you'd say goodbye to a wonderfull partner and a fullfilling relationship just because your partner doesnt want to get married.

 

My only point was with your generally scathing descriptions of what women are like.

we're not all manipulative, and not all men are innocent saints.

I'm no feminist, i believe people are far too individual to generalise about a specific sex.

 

I suppose i just dont like generalisations of either sex. I dont think they bring much to a discussion.

Edited December 12, 2009 by Malenfant

[New Again]

Hey New Again, you've been on LS long enough to know mob mentality when it comes to supposedly finding one critical point and then beating a dead horse!

 

I think you'll find that most men don't like to be pressured, when it comes to marriage. And I don't blame them.

 

But that's not what you're doing. You're setting up an invisible timeline, in essence creating an expectation of your b/f that meshes with your future goals in life. What does concern me is that the two of you haven't talked about future goals and timelines, just him making crass statements and hyping expectations. Whether this is to string you along or not, he needs to piss or get off the pot.

 

Touche! I don't spend much time in this one and thought maybe it was different, a happy place!! Ha.

 

And we have talked about those things, again because he brought them up. So he ought to know what my expectations are, and I definitely know what his are (supposedly). The constant joking and "what if-ing" and so on without action made me decide that I should just manage my own expectations of him.

 

I do really love him, and want to marry him. But he's led me to expect that he wants the same thing of me. And honestly, I feel like he thinks about this more than I do, because he brings it up all the time. But he's also older, which may have something to do with it.

Edited December 12, 2009 by New Again

[threebyfate]

And we have talked about those things, again because he brought them up. So he ought to know what my expectations are, and I definitely know what his are (supposedly). The constant joking and "what if-ing" and so on without action made me decide that I should just manage my own expectations of him.

Since the two of you have discussed things and he continues to jack with you, then most def., manage your own expectations of him. You control your own actions and life.

[norajane]

It's about not wasting my time dating someone who doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him for 10 years.

You've been together for 10 years, and he's joking about marriage?

 

Honestly, 2 years seems like way too long. If in 10 years he hasn't approached the subject of marriage with you more seriously, I don't know that 2 years is going to make much difference.

 

Next time he brings up eloping to Vegas, tell him that you'd like to make reservations for the honeymoon suite at whatever hotel 3 months from now, and they have a lovely wedding chapel there. When he looks at you like you're out of your mind, tell him you thought he was serious about marriage and you're ready to do it. See what he says. It's time to be more specific than someday. 10 years is a long time. He knows already whether he's going to marry you or not.

[ADF]

It sounds to me like he sees himself marrying you. Have you asked him what timeframe he imagines (maybe preface the question that he doesn't have to commit to the timeframe).

 

Let's be honest. Many guys--maybe even most guys--don't really want to get married. They marry because thy feel like they have to, not because they really want to. Most guys would be perfectly happy just "hanging out" with a woman forever, and many try to make that happen by not setting a time frame. If the OP really wants marriage--and she clearly does--she needs to set the time frame, because he won't. He'll just drag the thing out as long as he can.

[Lauriebell82]

Have you tried TELLING him how you are feeling? That it bothers you that he keeps talking about your future/marriage but doesn't actually propose? Maybe he doesn't realize that he is upsetting you. He might just be trying to reassure you or wait until the perfect moment to do so.

 

I say the next time he starts talking about Vegas say something like:

 

"Well honey, I was actually hoping to have a real wedding after you have proposed to me in a very sweet way!"

 

Men don't get hints or clues or anything else of the sort. You have to tell him how you are feeling without pressuring him or telling him that he has to propose to you. And I agree with TBF that staying silent might not be the best course of action. Plus the longer you wait silently, the more resentful you will feel and the more negative impact it will have on your relationship.

[New Again]

You've been together for 10 years, and he's joking about marriage?

 

Honestly, 2 years seems like way too long. If in 10 years he hasn't approached the subject of marriage with you more seriously, I don't know that 2 years is going to make much difference.

 

Next time he brings up eloping to Vegas, tell him that you'd like to make reservations for the honeymoon suite at whatever hotel 3 months from now, and they have a lovely wedding chapel there. When he looks at you like you're out of your mind, tell him you thought he was serious about marriage and you're ready to do it. See what he says. It's time to be more specific than someday. 10 years is a long time. He knows already whether he's going to marry you or not.

Oh, sorry to be confusing; we've been together for 2+ years, not 10. I just meant that I don't want to end up the way so many other people seem to, where one wants to get married; the other doesn't; next thing you know they've been together 10 years and they're still not married.

 

I do very much believe the bolded part. Once you've known someone a certain length of time, and then dated for over 2 years, and you're of a certain age, I very much do think he knows one way or the other.

 

Let's be honest. Many guys--maybe even most guys--don't really want to get married. They marry because thy feel like they have to, not because they really want to. Most guys would be perfectly happy just "hanging out" with a woman forever, and many try to make that happen by not setting a time frame. If the OP really wants marriage--and she clearly does--she needs to set the time frame, because he won't. He'll just drag the thing out as long as he can.

B/f was the first to ever bring up marriage; he supposedly wants to; he talks about it and comments on it and brings it up; I don't. But he still hasn't done anything about it (like start saving for a ring). So I set my own time frame, but I'm not going to pressure him about it.

 

Have you tried TELLING him how you are feeling? That it bothers you that he keeps talking about your future/marriage but doesn't actually propose? Maybe he doesn't realize that he is upsetting you. He might just be trying to reassure you or wait until the perfect moment to do so.

 

I say the next time he starts talking about Vegas say something like:

 

"Well honey, I was actually hoping to have a real wedding after you have proposed to me in a very sweet way!"

 

Men don't get hints or clues or anything else of the sort. You have to tell him how you are feeling without pressuring him or telling him that he has to propose to you. And I agree with TBF that staying silent might not be the best course of action. Plus the longer you wait silently, the more resentful you will feel and the more negative impact it will have on your relationship.

Well, I'm not upset about it. If it doesn't happen (after all this!) I'll be very disappointed. And maybe I'll be upset then (if/when). I don't want a proposal right now. But there has to be a reasonable timeframe in which it happens or I'll just feel resentful and as though I'm wasting my time.

 

We've talked about it, because he brought it up. So he knows where I stand, but he doesn't know my specific time frame, and I don't think he needs to know it.

 

If he hasn't done it by then, and then all of a sudden decides it is what he really wants, so he makes some moves to make it happen, it's not like I would say "no way, your time's up!"

[torranceshipman]

So you just admitted that you will cheat on your husband yet you still want him to marry you. Isn't this being dishonest with him?

 

Lol Woggle seriously, she is joking. You do seem to read things very literally. I am starting to theorize that you might be very slightly aspergic (not something bad, I know some prof's who have this - very clever and successful people - but along with the lack of empathy thing I think I might be on to something with you!!)

[FilthMerchant]

You are using him as a tool for your own personal goals. This is the most basic form of manipulation. A real man would marry you under no pressure or not marry you at all.

 

Edit: Seeing as you love him, do you take into account how marriage serves him, his personal goals, his ambitions, his life's direction? Or is this all about you?

[New Again]

You are using him as a tool for your own personal goals. This is the most basic form of manipulation. A real man would marry you under no pressure or not marry you at all.

 

Edit: Seeing as you love him, do you take into account how marriage serves him, his personal goals, his ambitions, his life's direction? Or is this all about you?

 

Maybe you missed all the parts where I said that

 

1. I'm not pressuring him. At all. I don't bring this up, I don't ask him "when" and I didn't tell him you have until this date to ask me or I'm leaving.

 

2. HE is the one who is constantly talking about it (yet not making moves).

 

3. When we talked about marriage/our goals in a serious manner HE brought it up.

 

4. HE SAYS HE WANTS MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN.

 

In other words, you missed pretty much the entire OP, as well as any subsequent posts.

 

But thanks for playing.

[Boundary Problem]

Well I wish you all the best.

 

I think it is impossible to predict the future. I see so many good people married to each other, but miserable.

 

Sounds like you and your BF communicate well, and having a sense of humour is important. Especially for big issues. Seems like he knows you well.

 

If you are going to put a 2 yr time limit on it - make sure you communicate that to him. Don't just silently wait out the 2 yrs and then freak out because there is no ring.

[Lauriebell82]

Well I wish you all the best.

 

I think it is impossible to predict the future. I see so many good people married to each other, but miserable.

 

Sounds like you and your BF communicate well, and having a sense of humour is important. Especially for big issues. Seems like he knows you well.

 

If you are going to put a 2 yr time limit on it - make sure you communicate that to him. Don't just silently wait out the 2 yrs and then freak out because there is no ring.

 

Yeah, I agree that you should not just wait silently NE. I know you don't want to pressure him but I think because you don't ever say anything when he talks about this with no action he assumes you are okay with it. And you are not..with good reason! That would bother me as well.

 

I know you said you aren't looking for a proposal right now so if that's the case then why can't you just enjoy your relationship without a deadline? If you don't want a proposal then why is it bothering you he keeps talking about it with no action?

[New Again]

Well I wish you all the best.

 

I think it is impossible to predict the future. I see so many good people married to each other, but miserable.

 

Sounds like you and your BF communicate well, and having a sense of humour is important. Especially for big issues. Seems like he knows you well.

 

If you are going to put a 2 yr time limit on it - make sure you communicate that to him. Don't just silently wait out the 2 yrs and then freak out because there is no ring.

 

Well, you're right, can't predict the future. So I guess when I say all this, I mean if everything else stays the same or gets even better.

 

And there would be another talk in there...just as an example, maybe 6 months before deadline. Presented as a "where do you see this going?" and "this is where I'm at" talk. And then, if he still says "marriage and babies with you!" then he better be sincere and be making moves. And if he's not, well, I'll show him I'm serious by leaving.

 

Basically, it's what everyone else tells the OP to do when she posts that her bf hasn't proposed by now, what should she do. Except my plan is preemptive, or proactive, or something.

 

Yeah, I agree that you should not just wait silently NE. I know you don't want to pressure him but I think because you don't ever say anything when he talks about this with no action he assumes you are okay with it. And you are not..with good reason! That would bother me as well.

 

I know you said you aren't looking for a proposal right now so if that's the case then why can't you just enjoy your relationship without a deadline? If you don't want a proposal then why is it bothering you he keeps talking about it with no action?

 

My first reaction to this was, "But it doesn't bother me." And it doesn't, exactly. It would bother me in, say, 2 years, which is why I chose that initially as my deadline. Hard to describe how I feel about it I guess.

 

I did say something once like "Gee, you joke about this so much if you ever really proposed I'd take it as a joke and laugh." He stopped joking about marriage after that, and now he just always says things like the mother-in-law thing.

 

Could be a good thing, indicating he sincerely sees as future with me.

 

But I've always been one of those people who really couldn't care less what you say. I only care about what you do. I take comments like that with a grain of salt, because things change, feelings change, people change their minds (and then you have all the broken hearted people who are devastated b/c his/her SO said this or said that and then dumped him/her), so words are worthless. People say all kinds of things, all the time. And they might mean them. At the time. But what about after that? A ring, a proposal, an actual commitment, means something.

Edited December 14, 2009 by New Again