4givrnt4gtr Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 So...after taking into account a lot of your comments, my friends and my own gut feeling Ive decided that although it sucks, and I wish it didnt have to be this way, Im gonna have to phase my "friend" out. I didnt want it to be this way, but when people say that once lines are crossed there is no coming back they are very very right. At this point we are in constant contact, chatitng for hours during the day and then until 3am at night. I try really hard to pretend he really just wants a friendship, but honestly im just fooling myself and the more i stay with this "friendship" the worst is gonna get for him and the harder its gonna be to keep pushing him back. So in light I decided to let him go.....now...my idea is to "phase" out...like...slowly back away, not sign in to chats as much, decline outings etc. Tonight we are supposed to go out to celebrate he passed an important exam. Right after I agreed I regreted it and cancelled....but then, I felt bad because last night he stayed up until ungodly hours consoling me about my ex boyfriend. Now that he asked me to accompany him to celebrate, i say no...thats messed up. So i called him up and re scheduled the "celebration" which for me will consist of one beer and cokes many cokes. I will also take this as a sort of....good bye. I wont be accepting any more outings...and the phasing out will commence... IS this a good idea??? I dont want to cut him off right of the bat because Ive already done that and it was horrible.....this seems more sensible and nice.... Comments?? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Are you going to let him in on the "phasing out" idea, or just kind of do it unilaterally? Because if you don't let him know, it's likely to confuse and/or frustrate him. It sounds "nice" - the idea of doing it slowly and gently - but if he really does want more than friendship, you will be just drawing out the pain and confusion, especially if you don't tell him what you are doing... Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Please tell him you are doing this. If you do this without saying anything it is going to hurt him 1,000,000,000 times more. Though, this just seems like a slow painful death. Sort of like you are stabbing him in the gut with a small knife, then twisting the blade over and over again. To me, just end it. A quick bullet to the head, done and over with. Tell him you are cutting off all contact and that you wish he no longer contacts you. Tell him you tried to believe he just wanted to be friends but you cannot keep doing this to him since it is obvious he wants so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 12, 2009 Author Share Posted December 12, 2009 Yeahhhh i realize now thats the only way to go.... Last night we went out and hanged out with his sister who used to be my roommate at one point. We then came back to my place (as I promised i only had 2 beers). We watched tv together, one on one side of the bed the other on the other side....but as the night progressed he kept inching closer and closer while i kept basically falling off of the bed to avoid contact. Thankfully his cousin called so we went to hang out with him. I was thinking he would stay over there but i noticed he left his jacket at my place...he had plans...for sure he had plans. After a few more drinks for him, and stupidly 3 more for me we headed back to my place. He asked me to climbed on his back, which i did and he carried me all the way to my place. At my place we went to sleep. As usual he pulled me in and spooned me. At first i fought it, kept moving away, but eventually i just let him. It was the weirdest thing ever!! He kept caresing me hair and my arm. I did not move an inch through that. then he turned me around and sort of snuggled me, which i was fine with too for some reason. As I laid my head on his chest his heart was beating a million miles and hour. I laughed and said that and he just laughed. Again, i intended to fall asleep, but after a while he asked me how his heart was doing I said it was ok somehow that prompted much kissing. This time i felt so....i dont know...weird. The way he kissed me and touched me was.....i dont know. Let me sumarize by saying that I have never felt actually loved the way he made me feel last night. We didnt actually have sex but still, it was weird. Like...ive felt wanted and desired and all that before, and maybe cared for and stuff. But i have never felt actually loved like last night. It was really really weird. It was bad because at the same time I knew i just cant feel the same way for him. Its so very very sad This morning when we woke up I got up to take a painkiller cuz my head was murdering me. When i got back into bed, he woke up and after a little while he got the courage to hold me again, now sober. Honestly, his love felt like a heavy blanket...thats what i imagined as he was holding me. I hate to break his heart, I hate to have to say no. I want to be loved so why cant I just love him back? that just sucks in so many many levels!!!! But given that I cant I have no choice but cut him off. Ughhhhh UGHHHHHH WHY IS ALL THIS SO F*ING COMPLICATED! Bah Link to post Share on other sites
Dolos Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 So, the plan was to break off contact with him and let him move on. Then you go and spend the night with him. After last night the poor bastard thinks hes actually making progress with you, hes going to be real confused when you cut contact with him now, if you even do it. Also, its going to make the whole "i only wanted to be friends" explanation you give him seem pretty empty, because people who are just friends don't do what you did last night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 After last night the poor bastard thinks hes actually making progress with you, hes going to be real confused when you cut contact with him now, if you even do it. Also, its going to make the whole "i only wanted to be friends" explanation you give him seem pretty empty, because people who are just friends don't do what you did last night. Yup! i agree with you, people who are just friends dont do what we did last night.... honestly im beyond confused right now... Oh and yeah i forgot to mention, he went out on a date tonight with someone else....I knew that, he told me about it a while back, and even last night mid kiss I told him to stop, cuz he was going on a date tonight, and this whole thing is just way too weird...ofcourse we didnt stop. yeah im completely tangled up right now. Im not sure what I want or feel or why all this is happening. Im not sure i want to stop talking to him, but i am sure i dont want to date him...he is just way too crazy for me. can someone, anyone help me figure out what the hell is going on here? at least from my side? cuz im starting to doubt i dont have any feelings for him, after all, as you said Dolos....friends dont kiss like that. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Just date him already. You are doing just as bad of a job convincing total strangers on the internet as you are yourself that you don't have deeper feelings for this guy. Even if it is just for his attention or affection. What's the worst you can do now? Even if it is just a quick 4-6 month relationship. It's certainly better that what is going on now. The friendship line was crossed so far back that there is no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Just date him already. . Well, he isnt asking me to date him. As i said, he went out with someone else last night. The thought of dating him gives me the hibbijibbies...We've been friends for so long. We lived together for 2 years, I know EVERYTHING about his relationships, how he cheated on one of his exs (one of the biggest reasons why i wont date him...i dont like cheaters), how he was so in love with the girl he was with right before we started hooking up. It just wouldnt work out......even for a couple of months... Another reason is that I still have hope that I might eventually fix things with my ex, whom I adore, but left me cuz he moved far away and on top of that was still dealing with issues from his past relationship. He and this guy know each other, when i was with my ex i told him about how my friend and I made out last year before he and I started dating. I promised him that i had no feeling for my friend but wanted to let him know what had happened cuz i dont like secrets. Now, if i date my friend then my ex is going to think I lied to him. (Which i didnt, i still maintain i may be attracted to him...but i just dont like him like that) So yeah no its not possible...i just want this mess to end! grrr Link to post Share on other sites
Dolos Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Oh im sure he wants to date you, he probably just realizes he wont get the chance, so hes trying other people. You really have two options at this point, date him, or stop talking to him, thats it. You obviously have reasons for not dating him, though personally i would never let the feelings of somebody who broke up with me affect who i would or wouldn't date. Also, it really seems like you care about this guy a lot more than you want to admit. Do make sure you know what you want when you cut contact with him, because once you do that you probably wont get another shot with him if you decide later you want to date him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 Oh im sure he wants to date you, he probably just realizes he wont get the chance, so hes trying other people. You really have two options at this point, date him, or stop talking to him, thats it. You obviously have reasons for not dating him, though personally i would never let the feelings of somebody who broke up with me affect who i would or wouldn't date. Also, it really seems like you care about this guy a lot more than you want to admit. Do make sure you know what you want when you cut contact with him, because once you do that you probably wont get another shot with him if you decide later you want to date him. Hm.... Well i do care a lot about him, he's been with me thru thick and thin. He has consoled me soooo many times when someone breaks my heart (one of them his roommate). He was even willing to marry me at one point due to immigration issues, even though his family objected. He said he would do it nonetheless. (except his sister who is adamant about us getting together). Ofcourse it never came to that but i will never forget that he was willing to do anything to keep me in the country Actually last year when I stopped talking to him and then was reconsidering i thought that maybe I could date him and for a couple of months I REALLY wanted to, but he wanted nothing to do with me so I never got the chance to tell him. After a while though I really thought about who he is, what he's done, how he talks about girls and decided I didnt want that after all. So i know that somehow i do have some sort of feelings for him....and if i cut him off i know eventually im gonna be sorry i had to....but at this point i dont really see what else I can do other than that, or back off. BTW he hasnt contact me at all since friday night...which is weird since we had been talking every single day for a while now....its bugging me...but at the same time im grateful. Im a hot mess people. A hot mess. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 It looks like he likes you much less than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 15, 2009 Author Share Posted December 15, 2009 (edited) It looks like he likes you much less than you think. You are right! We've been talking for the past 2 hours about his second date with the new chick.... Im relieved.....though I know for a fact we would never ever do what we've been doing the past few week...I dont share. Edited December 15, 2009 by 4givrnt4gtr Link to post Share on other sites
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