My bf punched me on the leg and called me a f*cking stupid bitch...should I forgive??

[pharmgirl877]

Hi,

 

I just need a bit of advice here thanks! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I'm 22 and he's almost 23. We hardly have arguement, but two months ago when we had an arguement he punched the wall. And three weeks ago, I was telling him to take a vaccination and because he was scared of needles, he kept on saying "no I'm not getting it. I don't want it. no way i want it..i rather die from swine flu" etc etc. Normally I wouldn' tbe pushing him, but from working in the health care sector and since he's going overseas to Asia (winter atm, bound to have swine flu circulating around). And after getting annoyed at his constant "no" and after explaining that it doesn't hurt much, many ppl have taken it, i started poking his arm n then accidentally poked him on the side (where he is ticklish) and he got angry and punched me on the thigh (we were both sitting down) and called me "fcking stupid bitch" cos he was really angry. I think he did tell me to stop poking him, but I can't remember. But i was very shocked at his anger...the punch didn't hurt at all, but it was the fact that he did it.

 

he has never been violent before, always pretty patient and good tempered. But the punch in the wall a while ago (which he promised will never happen again, and it hasn't) and then on my thigh and the name calling (he only did it once) and apologised immediately afterwards and said hat he purposely chose to hit my thigh cos he knows it wouldn't hurt. There is also no family history of abuse in his family either. He's sworn to never hit me again (even if it was on thigh n doesn't hurt) and never call me names again no matter what cos he knows it's wrong...do you think I should forgive him??? We've always had a really really good relationship,nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

Should i give it another go? Please give me your advice!

[deebeechrisyo]

Keep in mind guys are always going to apologize after commiting a violent act like that in front of you and always claim they won't do it again. First it was the wall, next it was your thigh (which is a huge red flag, you never hit a girl period), the next time it could be your face. If you really love him, you might bring up anger management courses. It also sounds like he is very immature. Getting that angry over a vaccination shot? Really?

[stayingstrong12]

well ive been there..so i can honestly tell you that my ex boyfriend punched the wall first and doors and then eventually me and believe me no matter how many times he said sorry he always did it again..of cours ei forgave him but i was stupid and im sure ull forgive him cuz u love him but its not gonna get better if hes doing it its gonna get worse

[pharmgirl877]

Keep in mind guys are always going to apologize after commiting a violent act like that in front of you and always claim they won't do it again. First it was the wall, next it was your thigh (which is a huge red flag, you never hit a girl period), the next time it could be your face. If you really love him, you might bring up anger management courses. It also sounds like he is very immature. Getting that angry over a vaccination shot? Really?

 

 

Thanks for your reply. I think he was angry because I was poking him (when he was eating) and he said the pokes were painful. He was scared about the vaccination but he wasn't angry about the vaccination. He was angry about the constant poking.

[2sunny]

he was probably mad about your need to try to control him. why so pushy? if he doesn't want to do something - respect that!

 

him hitting you is unacceptable.

 

from my perspective - you were both wrong.

[Citizen Erased]

The moment any guy lays a hand on me like that, I'm out. No, I don't think you should forgive it.

[DenverBachelor]

If I were you, I'd tell him that if he ever hits you again that you are gone. On the same token, I would stop pestering him about the shot. You may be adamant about it but he may not be. You need to pick your battles and respect his opinion.

 

You're both acting a bit selfish.

[MSUE]

wether it hurt or not...it was a violent act...an a terrible response...on the other end...you need to respect when someone says no instead of pushing him over the edge and poking him when you know he's not up for it...now let me make this clear I am not by any means excusing or condoning his action...what's wrong is wrong...live and learn my dear...live and learn...

[lilbelle]

If you continue to give him the impression the behavoir is acceptable what do you think is next? A man who cannot control himself physically is not mature enough to be in any relationship with a woman. These signs were there when I first got married and I wish to god I would have thrown his ass out on the curb. No contact... maybe then he will understand his actions are completely unacceptable. Doesn't matter if it's a wall or your face, physical violence is just what it is.

[threebyfate]

Something is off here. You've been together 5 years this last April, so now, it must have almost clocked over to 6 years or be close to it.

 

That he's suddenly showing violent behaviour, when in the past he was a great b/f, doesn't sound right.

 

Sudden, extreme behavioural changes are usually caused by something drastic, like drug and alcohol abuse, something mentally unhinging, a disorder that's finally manifested itself or accumulated frustration over something. I would seriously think hard about this, since the answer is something you might be aware of.

 

Regardless, his violent episodes are escalating. While each of the two times was a "first", what other violent "firsts" are you waiting for, in order to convince you that this isn't going to get better unless he gets professional help of some kind? Are you waiting for the first time he punches you in the head?

[TheLoneSock]

OP, was there a contusion? Bruising? It might seem silly to ask this but I'm just trying to guage the kind of damage inflicted. Because it does matter.

 

My guess is yes, and I'll assume that because you have come here asking for help, that is significant.

 

I have hit girlfriends before in a playful way. Never closed fist, and always only when we were messing around; and a couple times they actually hurt them, which was completely not my intention and I felt horrible after for not controlling my strength better during horseplay. It was never in an intentionally violent way, and they knew it, it was accidental pain.

 

If you can differentiate and see what I'm talking about, you might tell for certain if he had an objective for hitting you. If he did, and that objective was to get you to stop poking him by inflicting pain on you, then you have a problem - that is abusive.

 

The abuse was also two pronged: phsyical and emotional. The fact that he cursed at you tells me it was completely reactionary, and instinctive, another sign of abuse. Only your gut will be able to tell you, but I would advise you to stop seeing him. When a person feels comfortable doing that to their SO, the have crossed a threshold that they are not likely to retreat from. The smart play for you to make at this point, as a woman, is to end the relationship and see where things go from there. If you are fearful or retaliation, do it in a public place, or over the phone from the comfort of your own home. Furthermore, communicate with your father, your brother, your male friends, or any man in your life you are close to exactly why you are breaking up with your boyfriend and why you would not like to hear from or see him again. I guarantee you they will be happy to facilitate and uphold that for you.

 

I wouldn't go the route of pressing charges or putting a restraining order in or anything like that, but definitely keep those options open if he troubles you further. I would also advise him to get some help, maybe in the anger management department. I don't think he is psycho, and I don't think he needs a shrink, but he is missing something if this is happening.

 

Personally, I have taken anger management classes myself in the past for getting into fights at school. I would fight guys at school over very simple things, and had a very short fuse. I was almost held back one year because of it. AM classes did help, they taught me to cool myself down instead of getting physical every time, and the change was gradual but permanent. I'm not saying you will see this kind of change in him, I'm just telling my story.

 

As time goes by and you truely feel he has changed permanently, for the better, it will be at your discretion wether or not you try things out with him again. I won't advise going back to him, but I won't advise not going back either, because I know 5 years is a long time.

 

For now though, yes, my advice is end it.

Edited December 12, 2009 by TheLoneSock
typos

[pharmgirl877]

Something is off here. You've been together 5 years this last April, so now, it must have almost clocked over to 6 years or be close to it.

 

I just count the years by when we started going out (year 12) and now just completed 4th year of university this year = approximately 5 years.

 

You were right about the accumulated stress. He has been really stressed recently over exams (which is now over) n and something else was causing both him and I and his family quite a lot of pressure, which has now been solved. (the date for the plane ticket for him to travel kept constantly changing and he was meant to fly the day this incident happened, but the company called him and told him he wasn't able to travel that day cos it was full etc). But apart from that...I know he hasn't started alcohol or drug use. But yes, u were right about the accumulated frustration. My friend was also there when this happened, and she was also pushing him to take the vaccination..maybe the two of us trying to persuade him to do it + my poking at him + the constant change in the date to fly build up and pushed him over the edge

[pharmgirl877]

OP, was there a contusion? Bruising? It might seem silly to ask this but I'm just trying to guage the kind of damage inflicted. Because it does matter.

 

My guess is yes, and I'll assume that because you have come here asking for help, that is significant.

 

Thanks for ur reply. No there were no bruising/pain to be honest. He said he "chose" to hit to my thigh because he said he knew it would be least painful there.

 

I came here to ask for advice cos he's never EVER called me names even if were in a fight or something. He was always the calm one. I'm just not sure if I should forgive him and give him one last chance since he promised that this is a "one off" as he said and promised would never again, and that he didn't mean what he called me and it just slipped out because he was frustrated.

 

I did think about and talked to him about breaking it off after it happened, but he promised that it'd never happen again and that if it did he would leave himself. But I dont know..i mean no, the punch on the leg wasn't hard at all, there was no pain or bruising. For me it was the act (that he hit regardless whether it was painful/not) and what he said. That said, I know I was the one who started it..trying to force him to vaccinate n then poking him (+ my friend trying to persaude him too). I know we were both at fault (him and I)

Edited December 12, 2009 by pharmgirl877

[TheLoneSock]

But I dont know..i mean no, the punch on the leg wasn't hard at all, there was no pain or bruising. For me it was the act and what he said.

 

Ok, then he did it in a playful way. No pain, no mark, you're fine there. Don't make a big deal out of it.

 

As for the abusive language, I think it's clear at this point that you have drawn the line with him, and that he is aware how that kind of name calling makes you feel, wether he was playing or not.

 

Knowing what I know now, I don't think this is big enough of a deal to end a 5 year relationship. Move on, and remind him that it is not ok for it to happen in the future. Honestly, although it was reactionary, he was probably testing the waters somewhat, and seeing what he could get away with. You did good to make it well known how it makes you feel and that it's not acceptable. Now he knows, now there is no excuse for it to happen in the future. He probably felt disrespected when you wouldn't leave him be, and it pissed him off - just as you felt disrespected when he lashed out verbally.

 

I would still recommend helping him look into some anger management classes, or perhaps look into something in stress management that you can do together. I say this because of the escalation of things lately. I think you both might need to learn some more understanding of each other and learn how to diffuse stress in your lives. Good luck.

[Brightmoon]

The guy has a phobia of needles.

 

You were not listening to him.

 

Phobia's are very compelling and you pushed his buttons.

 

He should not have hit you.

 

But it was the phobia plus the fact that you were not listening that lashed out at you.

[HeavenOrHell]

To be honest if it were me, this would really make me question my trust for him, I would feel he is unpredictable.

If my ex had done this it would be so out of character that it would devastate me. My ex never swore at more or called names or hit me in 18 years, you should expect nothing less than that.

It is reasonable to want to feel safe with your partner and not worry they might hurt or call you nasty names.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Brightmoon's right; that's full-fledged phobia mode. I'm the same way - if someone pushes my button, I'll try conventional means of getting out of it (change the subject, trying to get away), but if all else fails, then yes, I'll get physical.

 

When he said that he'd rather die of the virus, I doubt he was exaggerating. Phobias trigger instinct. It really is a fight or flight issue. He tried flight (escaping the situation), but you and your friend trapped him. So, he had to resort to fight. Yes, he's genuinely sorry that he had to do that, but if you and your friend did the same thing to him again, he'd probably respond the same way again.

 

Since there's no real history of him blowing up, give him another chance, and drop the needle issue. If you push it, he'll be the one leaving you.

[threebyfate]

I just count the years by when we started going out (year 12) and now just completed 4th year of university this year = approximately 5 years.

 

You were right about the accumulated stress. He has been really stressed recently over exams (which is now over) n and something else was causing both him and I and his family quite a lot of pressure, which has now been solved. (the date for the plane ticket for him to travel kept constantly changing and he was meant to fly the day this incident happened, but the company called him and told him he wasn't able to travel that day cos it was full etc). But apart from that...I know he hasn't started alcohol or drug use. But yes, u were right about the accumulated frustration. My friend was also there when this happened, and she was also pushing him to take the vaccination..maybe the two of us trying to persuade him to do it + my poking at him + the constant change in the date to fly build up and pushed him over the edge

Sane people don't react with physical violence. The above scenarios you've mentioned, shouldn't be enough to make someone break. While it couldn't have been fun for him, if he breaks over as little stress as mentioned, what will happen when shyte really hits the fan, when times get tough?

[Beeotch]

Hi,

 

I just need a bit of advice here thanks! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I'm 22 and he's almost 23. We hardly have arguement, but two months ago when we had an arguement he punched the wall. And three weeks ago, I was telling him to take a vaccination and because he was scared of needles, he kept on saying "no I'm not getting it. I don't want it. no way i want it..i rather die from swine flu" etc etc. Normally I wouldn' tbe pushing him, but from working in the health care sector and since he's going overseas to Asia (winter atm, bound to have swine flu circulating around). And after getting annoyed at his constant "no" and after explaining that it doesn't hurt much, many ppl have taken it, i started poking his arm n then accidentally poked him on the side (where he is ticklish) and he got angry and punched me on the thigh (we were both sitting down) and called me "fcking stupid bitch" cos he was really angry. I think he did tell me to stop poking him, but I can't remember. But i was very shocked at his anger...the punch didn't hurt at all, but it was the fact that he did it.

 

he has never been violent before, always pretty patient and good tempered. But the punch in the wall a while ago (which he promised will never happen again, and it hasn't) and then on my thigh and the name calling (he only did it once) and apologised immediately afterwards and said hat he purposely chose to hit my thigh cos he knows it wouldn't hurt. There is also no family history of abuse in his family either. He's sworn to never hit me again (even if it was on thigh n doesn't hurt) and never call me names again no matter what cos he knows it's wrong...do you think I should forgive him??? We've always had a really really good relationship,nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

Should i give it another go? Please give me your advice!

 

The truth is....people who have anger issues an are abusive often need a trigger. They can be "normal", nice and all these lovely things....then one day their issues come to light.

 

I personally could NEVER look at a man who purposefully hit me, whether or not it hurt and call me a stupid biiitch "out of anger". I would just automatically not be able to see you in the same way. I don't want to be with someone who is really going to get to that point.

 

I honestly feel like this is not a good situation and TOOOOOOOOO OFTEN women say the EXACT same things as you've said "He said sorry", "He never did it before", "He won't do it again" etc and you know what??? MORE OFTEN THAN NOT he does do it again and they end up being victims of an abusive relationship whether physically or emotionally.

 

It is hard because you love this person, and 5 years is a lot but you need to do some serious thinking.

[Beeotch]

To be honest if it were me, this would really make me question my trust for him, I would feel he is unpredictable.

If my ex had done this it would be so out of character that it would devastate me. My ex never swore at more or called names or hit me in 18 years, you should expect nothing less than that.

It is reasonable to want to feel safe with your partner and not worry they might hurt or call you nasty names.

 

That's precisely how I feel.

 

I mean it would not even be a question, I would AUTOMATICALLY not trust you and see you in a complete different way if that happened. Things would go downhill from there because I would no longer be able to see you the same and once that trust is gone, so will I.

[chelseyjealousy]

NEVER EVER MAKE EXCUSES FOR A GUY i did this for years while he got away with hitting me it always starts out small..... and he is always perfect then..... walls turn into bigger stuff... its just not right...and love is not enough a guy should never ever hit a woman period playing or not........

[meerkat stew]

People are looking for a physical abuser lurking around every corner these days, hilarious, get out the tinfoil hats. Almost every man I know, including myself, has punched a hole in a wall or torn something up in anger at some point in their lives. One of the nicest sweetest guys I've ever known bashed so many computer keyboards to smithereens that they had a special shelf for him at Office Depot. None, not one of these guys I know have ever been physically abusive with women.

 

OP, nothing you describe, in and of itself, suggests that your BF is becoming an abusive man... nothing. He popped you in the leg sans even a bruise in retaliation for you poking at him, big whoop. Don't mean that to sound insulting or dismissive of your concerns, just want to temper some of the posts in the thread that suggest he is a monster in training, or "that's how it starts." Yes, that's how it starts, but what your guy has done in and of itself is not a great big danger signal IMO. Trust your history with the guy and keep your eyes open, but cut him some slack on this one.

[funktastic]

You guys are just pouring gas on the fire her, from what she told use her it seems it was not a big deal. She keept pushing him and did not stop, and she did not respect the fact the guy is dead scared of needles.

 

Ending a 5 year realtionship because of something she pusehd him to is just stupid, those posting how she should leave him are overreacting. Just because a few of you have bad experience with violent BF's or GF's does not mean everyone is like that.

 

I would be in a more observe and watch mode then anything else, i suggest you talk to him and tell him that hitting you is not something you will accept and abusive language is not ok with you. And if he ever does it again, then you can leave him.

 

Dont listen to the mob her, right now thats how it feels like...anyone with a bad experience with a former violent BF will come and pour more gas on the fire and put a tail on your BF ass and a two big horn on his head and make him look like the devil.

 

Anyone who wants to end a 5 year relationship because of something like this is just looking for a way out allready, this would only be their accuse.

Remember that in a relationship there will be small issues now and then, and the sun is not always shinning and the grass is not always super green..thats the reality of any relationship..anyone telling you otherwise dont know what they are talking about.

 

I wish you all the best

 

Regards

Funk

[TheLoneSock]

Yeah after reading her initial post I felt sorry for her, I thought he had truely hit her, the way he would hit a guy in a fight, and left her leg in pain and bruising.

 

Then she filled me in that it in fact didn't even hurt, nor did it leave a mark - she was more upset over the language.

 

People posting at this point are probably not reading the whole thread.

 

OP, forget about it, move on, and don't f*ck with him anymore about the poking and needles. Or as Johnny said, he'll probably leave you for not being respectful of his fears.

[New Again]

Hi,

 

I just need a bit of advice here thanks! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I'm 22 and he's almost 23. We hardly have arguement, but two months ago when we had an arguement he punched the wall. And three weeks ago, I was telling him to take a vaccination and because he was scared of needles, he kept on saying "no I'm not getting it. I don't want it. no way i want it..i rather die from swine flu" etc etc. Normally I wouldn' tbe pushing him, but from working in the health care sector and since he's going overseas to Asia (winter atm, bound to have swine flu circulating around). And after getting annoyed at his constant "no" and after explaining that it doesn't hurt much, many ppl have taken it, i started poking his arm n then accidentally poked him on the side (where he is ticklish) and he got angry and punched me on the thigh (we were both sitting down) and called me "fcking stupid bitch" cos he was really angry. I think he did tell me to stop poking him, but I can't remember. But i was very shocked at his anger...the punch didn't hurt at all, but it was the fact that he did it.

 

he has never been violent before, always pretty patient and good tempered. But the punch in the wall a while ago (which he promised will never happen again, and it hasn't) and then on my thigh and the name calling (he only did it once) and apologised immediately afterwards and said hat he purposely chose to hit my thigh cos he knows it wouldn't hurt. There is also no family history of abuse in his family either. He's sworn to never hit me again (even if it was on thigh n doesn't hurt) and never call me names again no matter what cos he knows it's wrong...do you think I should forgive him??? We've always had a really really good relationship,nothing like this has ever happened before.

 

Should i give it another go? Please give me your advice!

 

Absolutely not. He doesn't respect you.