lovegroove Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 There is a guy whom I thought was attracted to me (the feeling is mutual). The first time we hung out together we ended the night by having a deep conversation, where we both revealed personal things to each other - the kind of stuff you don't tell just anybody. I felt a connection with him that night and thought he felt the same. Lately, though, he has been a real smartass whenever we talk. That's not entirely true - it's like one minute we'll be having a regular conversation or discussing something serious/semi-serious, and the next minute he's teasing me/picking on me. I'm not sure what to think. I know he was/is hurting from his divorce (which was final over a year ago), and am wondering if this has something to do with it. The reason it bothers me so much is some of the things I revealed to him were things that even my siblings don't know. I guess I feel like I opened up to him (which is something I normally have a lot of trouble doing) and now I don't know what to think. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 Could be he feels he revealed too much to you and he's trying to pull back a bit. Or, could be that he likes to tease and joke with someone when he's close to her and so he's actually feeling closer to you. Teasing (when it's done kindly, of course) is often a mark of affection between people who like each other. It works best between people who have some sort of bond already. How do you usually respond to teasing? Some people don't do well with being teased at all; if you're one of them, you should probably let him know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovegroove Posted December 18, 2003 Author Share Posted December 18, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Could be he feels he revealed too much to you and he's trying to pull back a bit. Or, could be that he likes to tease and joke with someone when he's close to her and so he's actually feeling closer to you. Teasing (when it's done kindly, of course) is often a mark of affection between people who like each other. It works best between people who have some sort of bond already. Last night he said that he jokes around like that as a defense. I asked him why he felt like he needed to be defensive around me and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. And it's not even that the things he says are vicious - it's more like he's just giving me s($#. He also said that I don't seem as scary any more...ummmm okay Maybe that is the whole 'he's actually feeling closer to you' thing. How do you usually respond to teasing? Some people don't do well with being teased at all; if you're one of them, you should probably let him know. When it's done by someone (my best friend, sibling, parents) that I know really well, I don't have a problem with it. I can dish it out as well as take it. I think part of the reason it bothered me is because I am feeling vulnerable as well. Am I way off base on any of this? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 just one thing i wanna say - plz be careful about opening up. get to know him before you share deep secrets with him - both for your own sake and for the sake of not freaking him out. good luck! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 Last night he said that he jokes around like that as a defense. I asked him why he felt like he needed to be defensive around me and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Sounds as though he is feeling vulnerable, himself, because of having told you personal things - and he feels he can tease you. It could be one way of fostering the bond without being quite as exposed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovegroove Posted December 18, 2003 Author Share Posted December 18, 2003 Originally posted by yes just one thing i wanna say - plz be careful about opening up. get to know him before you share deep secrets with him - both for your own sake and for the sake of not freaking him out. good luck! -yes i've actually known him for about 8 years - we just never really talked before now. he's really shy around girls (and has told me so himself), but has opened up more since getting out of the military. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovegroove Posted December 21, 2003 Author Share Posted December 21, 2003 Well, we finally talked on the phone the other night. I told him, in a casual way, that I was a little put off by the relentless teasing. He said "I was just joking around. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I thought you were okay with it, but then you got awfully quiet." (I tend to withdraw when my feelings are hurt or I'm trying to figure something out). I told him part of what had bothered me was that it takes a lot for me to open up to someone the way I did with him, and that I felt like I had put myself out there - and then he starts regressing back to high school. So he says (long story short) that he wasn't sure why he started talking about the things he did; he's so used to no one understanding him and not being able to talk to someone openly. I said I kind of felt like uh-oh, did I say too much? And he he agreed (about himself, I mean ). Finally I asked him what he had meant by using it as a defense mechanism and he said in the army if you're nice all the time people walk all over you - so he's just used to being a smartass. He's not used to someone being nice to him all the time. So, it sounds like my initial hunch was right - he did feel that bond and it scared him because it was something he wasn't used to. And on the flip side, he is feeling more comfortable with me. So, all in all, I think this worked itself out pretty nicely! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Please be careful with this guy. I have dated one just like him. Things were great and then he started doing the teasing thing and would not take me seriously when I asked him about it. He said he didn't know it would hurt my feelings, etc., same things he told you. He also said that he's used to not having anyone understand him, blah blah..well in the end we broke up because I couldn't handle him being such a smartass ..it was like we'd have a really goodnight and at the end of the night, he'd say something stupid that would really hurt. When I did break up with him though, it turned out that he wanted to break up with me too because of me getting mad at his smartass ways and him not understanding that...but the thing that I didn't know is that he was just really confused about things..I think he was having a mid life crisis or something..he knew that I was a great girl, but he couldn't understand himself really, and what he wanted, and why he couldn't just be with me with no problems. Anyways, point is..be careful about this guy..especially if he said he's never had people understand him.. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Before I even read, I knew it was a defense. Sometimes, when you reveal too much, you feel sort of out of place, like, maybe he's not used to a communicative relationship. It's not that he's defending ~against~ you, he just doesn't want to feel so vulnerable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovegroove Posted December 22, 2003 Author Share Posted December 22, 2003 Originally posted by dyermaker Before I even read, I knew it was a defense. Sometimes, when you reveal too much, you feel sort of out of place, like, maybe he's not used to a communicative relationship. It's not that he's defending ~against~ you, he just doesn't want to feel so vulnerable. Very well put! Sometimes you are just too close to the forest to see the trees, if you know what I mean. My gut told me that he was probably just scared/feeling vulnerable, but sometimes an objective opinion can really help. Link to post Share on other sites
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