anp1021 Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 I began dating my now live-in boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago. Within weeks after we began dating he did cocaine in front of me. To say the least I completely flipped out. I gave him the ultimatum then and there that I would leave him if he ever touched that stuff again. He promised me that he would stop and never do it again. All was good with that situation up until a couple months ago. There's this totally trashy bar in our town that known as a "coke bar." When my boyfriend begins drinking he stops in for a drink. So, last night we had drinks and he asks me to later take him to the "coke bar." When we pull up he tells me to wait in the car and he'll call when he's ready. I say no way that's a drug bar and he swears to me that me loves me and hasn't touched cocaine. So shortly after we go in he has to use the bathroom (gone for like 10 minutes in there). When he comes out he wipes his nose, but I'm confused because he's had a cold lately. So, we're talking and this guy walks up and says to my BF, "Dude, look what you did to my shirt. You just hillbilly hawked on me." This man was wearing a black shirt and had what appeared to be cocaine spots towards the bottom. I didn't know what to think. Then my BF leans over and says something to the guy like "Shut up that my girl here." This man just kept standing that with cocaine powder on his shirt saying looking what you did to my shirt to my boyfriend. However I'm confused because my BF was acting the same, he was just very drunk and constantly repeating himself. By this time I had enough and left and walked to my BF's mom's house two blocks away. About 30 minutes later my BF shows up and is wondering why I'm mad. He denies the whole situation. I asked him repeatedly who that man was that approached us with coke on his shirt. He just says "what man?" On our way home my boyfriend was very angry at me, he yelled at me and pushed me. But as soon as we got home he went straight to the bedroom and went to sleep. I bought one of those at-home drug tests last night and he told me that he has no problem with taking one. I don't know what to do because he keeps saying that he didn't do anything. I live with my BF and I usually check his pockets when he comes home from going out because I don't want him to relapse. I just need some advice. I've never been around cocaine except for the one time my BF did it in front of me. Am I wrong to throw our almost 3 year relationship away if I find out my BF has been using cocaine? Please, any advice is welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 ANP...I think you know what is going on here. I think your BF may have a serious problem. I can tell you as someone with personal and professional experience with addiction...this is not good. The first thing that concerned me is that you said he did cocaine in front of you within weeks of meeting you. Most people that do nto have a cocaine problem would not feel it appropriate to do that in fron of someone that soon. He is lying about what went on in that bar. Yes he was doing cocaine. Yes he was trying to lie about it. He was not even doing a good job of it. I am also concerned that he was yelling and pushing you. He sounds abusive. Also, what did he do to quit when he told you he would. People with cocaine addiction do not just stop cold turkey without help. He is in denial. So are you. You can not change his behavior...only he can. If I were you I would move out, and tell him that you are willing to help him get help, and if he gets clean then you can resume your relationship. If he lies again, tell him to call you when he is clean. I'm sorry...I know it is hard. I would recommend going to a Narconon meeting. They are for people that have a loved one that is a substance abuser. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 anp u can read my whole story here lol its very long but let me know if u see similarites.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206477/19 Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 OP, if you are not convinced right now that your BF is using cocaine, you are in serious denial. Either that, or you're a complete idiot (which I doubt). Heck, the story you told would constitute evidence in court, never mind anywhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 I began dating my now live-in boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago. Within weeks after we began dating he did cocaine in front of me. To say the least I completely flipped out. I gave him the ultimatum then and there that I would leave him if he ever touched that stuff again. He promised me that he would stop and never do it again. All was good with that situation up until a couple months ago. There's this totally trashy bar in our town that known as a "coke bar." When my boyfriend begins drinking he stops in for a drink. So, last night we had drinks and he asks me to later take him to the "coke bar." When we pull up he tells me to wait in the car and he'll call when he's ready. I say no way that's a drug bar and he swears to me that me loves me and hasn't touched cocaine. So shortly after we go in he has to use the bathroom (gone for like 10 minutes in there). When he comes out he wipes his nose, but I'm confused because he's had a cold lately. So, we're talking and this guy walks up and says to my BF, "Dude, look what you did to my shirt. You just hillbilly hawked on me." This man was wearing a black shirt and had what appeared to be cocaine spots towards the bottom. I didn't know what to think. Then my BF leans over and says something to the guy like "Shut up that my girl here." This man just kept standing that with cocaine powder on his shirt saying looking what you did to my shirt to my boyfriend. However I'm confused because my BF was acting the same, he was just very drunk and constantly repeating himself. By this time I had enough and left and walked to my BF's mom's house two blocks away. About 30 minutes later my BF shows up and is wondering why I'm mad. He denies the whole situation. I asked him repeatedly who that man was that approached us with coke on his shirt. He just says "what man?" On our way home my boyfriend was very angry at me, he yelled at me and pushed me. But as soon as we got home he went straight to the bedroom and went to sleep. I bought one of those at-home drug tests last night and he told me that he has no problem with taking one. I don't know what to do because he keeps saying that he didn't do anything. I live with my BF and I usually check his pockets when he comes home from going out because I don't want him to relapse. I just need some advice. I've never been around cocaine except for the one time my BF did it in front of me. Am I wrong to throw our almost 3 year relationship away if I find out my BF has been using cocaine? Please, any advice is welcome. Ask him to get a drug test. What kind of work does he do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 My BF is in construction but hasn't worked for a long time so he's on unemployment until things pick up again. So, I know exactly how much he gets each month. My name is on both his savings and checking account so I have full access to all his deposits and so on. There's no $ not accounted for. When he goes out to drink he usually only takes like $30. I don't know anything about cocaine but I don't think that's enough for anything. So you can see my predicament My BF has told me that I'm all he's ever wanted so everything else like drugs are not important. Also, I've never seen any weird behavior or objects such as straws, etc.. at home. He tells me how proud he is of himself that he hasn't done cocaine in 2 1/2 years and that he doesn't even smoke weed anymore. My only concern is that he seems to go into the bathroom for like 5-8 minutes when we go to the bar. But, when he comes out he acts just the same. I'm not sure but wouldn't he act noticeably different if he used cocaine or wouldn't I notice a lot of $ missing? My BF just swears to me that he wouldn't do coke again because he's been clean and wants to stay that way to be a good role model for our future kids. I'm just so confused I don't want to believe that he's been lying to me about something this serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Of course they lie about drug use. Because they are ashamed. My ex got cash from his mom I never knew about - until later. You can go through drug testing, but I think with cocaine it flushes through the system fairly quickly. There is always a hair test. But is this really how you want to spend your life? Being a probation officer? People make choices. If he can't focus on you, then let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Dear Confused, Believe it or not I read your entire story before you responded to mine. I was glued to your pages for like 30 minutes. I just kept thinking it so obvious that your fiance was using. I know my story probably sounds that obvious to you. I just can't understand why they can't be men and admit what they have done. Why do they need to hurt their significant others in the process. I couldn't help but wonder if you ever married your fiance and did he get clean for you? I just don't want to believe that the person who means more than anything to me would be lying to me the entire time. I just figured that I would see more signs like drug items accidentally left around the house. I haven't found anything like that. I've never come home from work and expected any out of the ordinary. He just always acts the same. But, that still concerns me that my BF used previously. I mentioned in my initial posting that my BF did coke in front of me like 2 weeks after we started dating. About a year later I asked him why he did that and he said that he wanted to get a feel for what type of girl I was like. He said that he'd been trying to stop for a while and only used like once a month. But, the threat of losing me over the drug use is not worth it. So, he's swore to god that he hasn't touched it. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 anp im not sure if your getting my story confused with some one else but we were never engaged or married lol just dating.. mine always acted and still pretty much acts the same though somtimes now i see minor changes..but i never reallly found many signs around the house either never broken pens, or anthing of the sort... but thats what makes it so hard to convince myself he is using im just afraid that i might be wrong and would be throwing a good thing out.. but he became very defensive yesterday i wrote all about that on my post yesterday im going to be updateing it in a few mins with exact qoutes form his text so keep on the look out so u can read them Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Dear Boundary Problem, My BF's mom also gives him $ just like in your situation. However, I am very close to his mom and she will tell me when she gives him any $ and tells me how much. So, I'm able to kinda pay attention to that. Quick question for you. Did your ex use drugs? I'm just confused because my BF seems normal after I thought he uses. I didn't find out until later but my boyfriend used in the other room twice before he used in front of me. I felt so betrayed because I was oblivious. I couldn't believe that a man that caring was capable of that. So I completely flipped when he used in front of me. All times I noticed that he wouldn't want to do anything. He would just want to sit there and not do anything. But, both previous times I expected he used, he wanted to leave the bar right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 I would like to add that over time - he (my exH) became desensitized to the drug use. Initially my husband was careful to never involve me in his drug purchases. Towards the end, and one of many reasons I ended the marriage, he would have drugs in our vehicle that i didn't know about. If the car had been pulled over and I had been charged with possession then I would have lost my designation/ability to earn money. So, why didn't he just say "can you take a cab?". He was indifferent to the effect of his drug use on me - he had become so wrapped up in his own addiction. So it can escalate over time. And he was a really nice guy. The drugs just get a hold of them and their addiction will trump their own family. Our son was in the car with us. To me that is just unacceptable. If your BF is doing drugs, then it can really impact your life - even if you aren't a drug user. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 i just added all the text that he sent me on my other post go read them let me knwo what u think, they are in order he slowly lost his patince as the texting went out, the dr phill comment was the last i heard from him Link to post Share on other sites
Malenfant Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 i just added all the text that he sent me on my other post go read them let me knwo what u think, they are in order he slowly lost his patince as the texting went out, the dr phill comment was the last i heard from him you're wasting your time IMO Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 I have never been exposed to this drug before. But wouldn't I noticed major differences in behavior? Also I just can't figure out how my BF could have got little marks of coke of this guys black shirt. It looked like it was little fingerprints or something. Also my BF's initial response was that the guy was pissed cause my BF got snot on his shirt. The guy said that my BF "hillbilly hocked" on his shirt. What the hell does that mean? I just can't figure it out because I guess it could have been snot but it was pure white. We fought all day yesterday but he asked me to come to bed for the night. He told me that he was so drunk that he only remembers getting into a fight with the guy that approached us with the **** on his shirt. I didn't see this cause I just bolted out. But, my BF has blood on his jacket from that night. He told me that for all he knows I'm lying about the situation because he "never went to the bathroom and he was next to me the entire time (not true). So I said maybe you did something and don't remember. But he says that he would have remembered if he used. I'm going to try to get him to take the at home drug test today. I guess it's out of your system in like 2 to 3 days. I guess I'll know that he did use if he refuses to take the test. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Quick question: When people go to the bathroom to use coke, how long are they usually gone for? How long does it take? Link to post Share on other sites
Crusoe Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 "Hillbilly" is a synthetic morphine that is currently all the rage. Sold in tablets, very cheap, like £5 a pill cheap, and are usually crushed and snorted to give a quicker hit. Basically it is a cheap and nasty heroin. Be careful hon. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 anp here is part of my story... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177983/ this was just the beggining but he has kept it together...gone on rehab and under meducal care and he has been clean ever since... its not an easy road but it can be done;) Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Yes, he's using drugs. Based on the facts you've given, that's a 100% certainty. As bad as the relationship affects may be, the legal risks are FAR worse. As someone noted, he culd leave his drugs in your car and you could be arrested for drug possession. If he deals from your house, and you do so little as the answer the phone and hand it to him, when it's a drug call, you can be charged as being an accessory to his crime. You won't be in a position to make any deals since you will have little or no knowledge of any "big fish" dealers. Check it out... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t50780 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 i agree its so hard somtimes to tell if they are using or not. I never really in the past two years found hard evidence of him doing drugs, but i really was only at his house on weekends. He had a scratched up mirror that im sure at one time was used for coke with his freinds. He would let them come over and do drugs in the house never put his foot down, im startin to think what a loser to even let that happen. But he never seemed high or anthing like junkies do he seemed pretty normal, i just hope im not ending somthing good by making an assumption Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 THe thing is I know for a fact that there are no drugs in our apartment. I make sure I check in every possible place. What I can't figure out is how the hell did my BF get coke on him? How long does it take to use? This is just eating me up inside. He still sticks to his story. How can I find out for sure? I know that if my suspicions are confirmed I'll leave him in a heartbeat. What should I do? Go back to the bar with him and then walk in the bathroom when he's in there? I want to know for sure, not just be suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 i feel the same way as you, thats the hard part if i knew for a fact i would leave him in no time but i alwasy have suspsions. mine hangs out with a bunch of guys that are users i dont like him hanging with them thats why i broke up with him the other night cause i find it hard to belive he is not doing it with them.. he said he was just helping them move but i didnt like how he surprised me dindt tell me he was going, i text him whats up and he just tells me he was out with them, he knows how i feel about them and he just gave me no warning what so ever. do you think i have a right to be mad about that or did i over react? Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 Dear Confused, To me it obvious that your BF was using. I don't think you overreacted at all. I think the key part is that his friends use and he allowed him to use at his house. In my case I live with my boyfriend. We live in a little 1 bedroom apartment so there are no hiding places. I even checked my BF's pockets after I suspected him using and didn't find anything. He only had blood on his coat cause I guess that the cokehead that approached us sucker punched him after I stormed out. My BF even tells his friends that he proud of himself because he doesn't even smoke weed anymore. He makes it known to his friends that he doesn't use and how proud he is of himself for being clean and able to pass a drug test after daily weed smoking for years and like monthly coke use. Last December my BF apparently slipped and smoked weed like twice. About a month later he apologized and admitted to me. He was honest to me about that so I wonder why he would lie about this. I want to believe him so much because I have no hard evidence. My BF tells me to check whose calling when his cell phone rings and never hides his phone. He also put my name on both of his bank accounts. How long did your BF go to the bathroom for? I just don't know long it takes to use. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anp1021 Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 MSUE As a former cocaine addict, do you think it sounds like my BF is using again? He seems the exact same to me. Wouldn't I notice personality changes right after? What are some ways that I can tell? ALso, I was wondering if you had some insight about when I mentioned that a man approached us with a white substance on his shirt and said my BF did it. How is that possible? I just can't figure it out. Also, how much does cocaine cost? Like a small amount I wondering about. I just don't see $ coming up missing but he has taken me to this druggie bar for a drink a few times in the past month and every time he goes to the bathroom shortly after we arrive (for the record my BF pees like a 90 year old man). But when he comes out he acts the exact same to me. Any insight would be very helpful. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hey, This was about 2 years ago i think it was anywhere from 5 to ten mins i dont really remember, but guys are in the bathroom are in there for a while when they came to his house. he used to lie to me about smoking ciggarets also and he would hide them so i wonder if he does the same with the coke.. if he is doing it.. when mine also got a second job a year ago he bragged to me that he passed his drug test wich was just a urine test i dont think coke stays in your system long enough for that...then he says im just saying he doing coke because i couldnt expect that he needed a break from me, fact is only time he ever needed a break it coincided with something that had to do with drug friends...i just got so mad the other day when he told me he was helpin them out, i got no warning nothing i just text him saying whats up and he told me he was with them.. i was thinkgin we just got back together he must think now that we are back im not going to question antyhing he does. but thats not gonna happen Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Quick question: When people go to the bathroom to use coke, how long are they usually gone for? How long does it take? It only takes a minute or two. It depends. If the coke is already cut then all you need is seconds to pour a little out and form lines on a counter or toilet lid. Or you can even take some bumps (little piles) off your hand or a coke spoon. Also, a Hillbilly hock is when you plug one nostril and blow hard so that snot is projected form the other nostril. Sometimes people do this to clear a passage in their nose to snort cocaine. The more cocaine is snorted the more things get plugged up in there. Link to post Share on other sites
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