write whatever you want to say to your abuser the most here

[chelseyjealousy]

i think letting emotions out repetivley is great therapy i know i right dozens of letters to him it makes me feel better to let it out....

[Boundary Problem]

My message would be: relax.

 

 

A lot of abusers are reactive to some perceived ..... something.

 

They assume it is all about them.

 

So they get overstimulated and over react.

 

 

 

Mind you, then he wouldn't be 1/2 as entertaining.

[chelseyjealousy]

hello...

i want yo to know im no where near..better i have gotten to the point i dont cry everytime i hear your name... i hatee how all our old friends think your some kind of saint.... does it kill you from them to mention me... can you see my tear soaked face in your memory... does it cause pain... you mentally tortured me and reduced me to dirt what is really messed up is that you were the one person i loved.... you were the only one who could pick me up and dust me off but then you did it again... cut into my brain telling me i was ugly not even worth a name... then you started to hit me... but the words hurt worse... i can erase the stings of your cowardly hands from my mind but i cannot erase those...words the ones that still cause me to wonder if they are really true when i look in the mirror every mornning damnnnnnnnnn you why did you choose me.... why i was sooo fine so happy so care free now im a jealous emotional wreck and my words cut like knives... why diddd you then cheat on me.... did you have to have it all.... i thought i could change you i never could huh............ you damaged my childhood.... and as sad as it sounds i hateddd you for years of my life... but right now if i saw you i forgive you...... not what you did but you as a person.....

[chelseyjealousy]

its all a big show they are hiding some deeeply cowardly inferior feeling therefore they attack others

[Boundary Problem]

I loved your post. You wrote from the heart.

 

Different people abuse us in our life and some affect us a lot more than others.

[chelseyjealousy]

trust me it was not easy getting to that point and usually my feelings change about him on a day to day basis.... when he abused me i got like a buffet.. a lil emotional abuse and a lil cheating and a lil physical abuse and i was soooo young it left a big impression... i just pray he never does it again.........

[Ashkayi]

What i'd really like to say... : Goodbye.

The amount of stress you have put on me is beyond absurd. The way you treat me and talk down to me, the way you make up stuff to try to prove you are right. Im a grown woman and I understand a lot more than you give me credit for. Your childish ways dont work for me anymore. You get so angry because you know you wont ever make me cry again. It makes you angry that i speak back and tell you how i feel. It makes you angry and you start screaming like you are the one who is mentally abused that you are sick of it and YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU cant take it anymore because you want everyone to feel sorry for you. Well they dont. Everyone knows how you are.. Noone comes around you or calls you because of how YOU YOU YOU are.. Not me.. Not I. Only you!

 

Wow that felt pretty good. If i actually tried to say those things to him, he 'd through a childish temper fit and walk out of the room and threaten to leave like he always does. At least i know that I am getting stronger.

[1Angel]

Rot in misery for the rest of your life.

One day you'll be sorry, and I'll be laughing.

[Sadbutrelieved]

Dear Dirtball,

 

Your lies and constant attempts at manipulating me have made me a stronger woman. I don't cry over you, I laugh at how pathetic you are. Our entire relationship was one-sided, as you have no idea what love is. I see you with wide-open eyes, and what I see is very ugly. I hope your new woman is smarter than I was all those years ago when I fell under your spell.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Sadbutrelieved

[pinksunglasses]

It has taken me a long time, several years of not speaking to you, to figure this out. You didn't love me, I was your property. You should have loved me. You are a very sick person and if you had a heart maybe you could open it up and realize it's not the world that's ****ing up your life, it's you. I don't understand, I never did one thing to you. I haven't been able to cry over this in so long. I have your anger built up in me and it kills me because I don't want to be just like you. Everything about you is disgusting. I want to be able and cry, to have emotions, to have love. I don't want to resent and abuse every great thing that comes into my life like you did with me. I want to trust, I don't want to be scared. I hate you, and there's nothing you can ever do about that. There's nothing you ever WOULD do. Naturally I got close to you and my own father hurt me, guilt free, for years.

 

and then you. I get too close to you. I loved you. I gave up so much for you. You did nothing but bring these bad memories of my dad back. I was willing to give up more, and you decide to hit me. What am I supposed to feel about life. I know that's not how life is, women, daughters and wives getting abused is not acceptable in this day and age, and it should have never been. Yet it seems to be the story of my life. I trusted you more than I have ever put trust into any other person. I thought of you as family. This is what I get in return. I can't even have a normal relationship because this is all I seem to know. I can't get close to my step dad even though I know he's a good person, and I can't have a boyfriend because as soon as it gets serious I get scared and want to run away. Even my friendships can't get as close as I used to have them. You acted like it was so horrible the kind of childhood I went through, agreeing with me how much of an ass hole my dad was and that it was all so wrong. But when you do it it's a different story. It's not "sick", you were just angry and couldn't help it.

 

I want my life back. I didn't do crap to deserve any of this and I'm tired of having to spend all of this time getting over it. Why am I the one having to fix all of this with me?

[D-Lish]

To the man that abused me as a child- "I am glad you're dead"

[You Go Girl]

I know your lies have caused you so much more pain and self-loathing than if you had just told the truth.

For that, I pity you.

[boomboom63]

To the man that abused me as a child- "I am glad you're dead"

 

 

((Hugs to you D-Lish))

 

 

Ditto

 

I'm glad you died in prison - I am very sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell anyone about what you did to me - I know many others were damaged after and this haunts me to this day - as a 13 year old I didn't think anyone would believe me against the word of a priest and headmaster - I like to think that they would now.

 

and to the church that shielded him from the police - shame on you.

[You Go Girl]

((Hugs to you D-Lish))

 

 

Ditto

 

I'm glad you died in prison - I am very sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell anyone about what you did to me - I know many others were damaged after and this haunts me to this day - as a 13 year old I didn't think anyone would believe me against the word of a priest and headmaster - I like to think that they would now.

 

and to the church that shielded him from the police - shame on you.

 

The cases of this are so incredibly NOT Christian--the trauma to the children unbelievable--they would have been better off raised as heathens.

I wonder if the pope should resign.

[SouthernSunshine]

You took me to the depths of hell. You used me. I trusted you, I loved you.. and you nearly destroyed me.. my mind, my body, and my soul.. but I survived. I'm stronger now, and you can't hurt me anymore. You're the weak one growing old & alone. I pity you. I forgive you.

[txsilkysmoothe]

It's been 22 years since I escaped.

 

You stole my smile. Yes I smile, but it is a learned behavior. It lacks spontaneity, innocence and freedom.

 

I finally stopped having nightmares about 8 years ago. I'm so grateful for that.

 

Sometimes when I smell cigarette smoke, I see your face. I hate it whenever a man tries to call me "babe" and I have to tell him why he can't call me that.

 

Sometimes when someone jumps out from behind a door to playfully scare me, I panic for just a second. Only a second, but long enough to wonder if it's you - if you have come back to finish me off. Before I can control it, I'm crying and wondering what people around me must think.

 

The scar on my chin is usually not noticeable, but sometimes I'll look in the mirror and there it is, staring back at me; reminding me that I can't escape the past.

 

They wanted me to seek counseling. They expected me to tell them every horrific thing you ever did to me. If not so tragic, I would have laughed in their face. I thought they were vulgars, hungry to feed off the details of my pain. Why the hell would I relive the unspeakable? I escaped! I was free or so I thought. I did not know I would still carry the pain all these years later.

 

I only remember a handful of the times you beat me. I blocked out the others, still not sure if that is good or bad. Lately, the incident I remember most is the night you came home and without saying a single word, pulled me out of bed and drug me into the living room. You completely undressed me, pushed me out the front door, closed and locked it. I hid behind a tree hoping you would let me in before the sun came up and our neighbors began leaving for work.

 

So many times, I was certain that you were going to kill me. I lived in constant fear. I trained myself to wake up when your truck turned onto our block. I would pretend to be asleep, hiding under the covers in the fetal position with my hands protecting my face. I would pray that you would just pass out drunk on the couch. Usually, it didn't work out that way.

 

I also remember the "white" carpet dream - the one where I got mud on the new carpet. I walked in the room and you turned to greet me, smiling, at first. Then your face transformed to that of a monster. I was confused until I looked down and saw the mud caked on my shoes and my muddy footprints all over the white carpet. It was a perfectly dry day - there was no mud outside. I had that same dream about 20 times over the years. I remember having it when I was still with you and I woke screaming. You woke too and tried to comfort me. You wanted to know why I was so scared. I couldn't tell you the truth now could I?

 

I wonder if you remember what you did to me. I wonder if you are sorry. I wonder if you accept responsibility or do you still make excuses? I don't think you are strong enough to face the reality of who you are and what you did. I feel sorry for you. I don't hate you. I forgave you a long time ago.

[skydiveaddict]

My God that is awful. I'm sorry that happened to you

[pureinheart]

TSS, thanks for this thread...you are truly a miracle that you are here with us today. ((((((((hugs)))))))

 

I fell nothing for my abusers, although have much to say but it's late...I'll be back.

[Savanna-O]

Wow.. I'm truley sorry for each and every one of you I'm literally in tears. It's not something that is often spoken about, and it reminds me how many people worldwide have been affcted by these monsters. The sad part is, years on and it's now worse than ever.

[D-Lish]

((Hugs to you D-Lish))

 

 

Ditto

 

I'm glad you died in prison - I am very sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell anyone about what you did to me - I know many others were damaged after and this haunts me to this day - as a 13 year old I didn't think anyone would believe me against the word of a priest and headmaster - I like to think that they would now.

 

and to the church that shielded him from the police - shame on you.

 

Agreed, and back at you:love:

 

My abuser died of lung cancer about 10 years ago- and my parents heard it through the grapevine... I have never heard my mother utter a bad word about anyone- she's so proper. When she heard he died, she told me with a stone face "I am glad he is dead".

 

He was in my parents social circle long ago, and he used it as a means to get close to the young girls.

 

I am glad he's dead, and I hope he suffered.

[summerl0vesyou]

what made your 13 year old daughter attractive to you?

Why did you choose it to be me, who would have a life of issues because of you?

Why did you never apologize, and just killed yourself instead when you were about to be on trial?

Why werent you thinking? Why were you so selfish?

 

Why did you allow me to believe you loved me and wanted the best for me, but taught me every single wrong thing I couldve ever seen or felt?

[deux ex machina]

With everything that took place, what really affected me the most have been the messages: to be quiet, say nothing, to not try, to feel like a whore, unwanted, deficient...to know I'm not to be loved, and as such, shouldn't accept love, and when I get it, to understand it's only because they don't know me. Yet. But when they do, they'll realize I'm all of those endlessly negative things...and then I'll lose that affection and regard.

 

Probably the biggest was that time after time, I had to pretend that nothing ever happened. And if I looked upset, that wouldn't do, either. Too much of a reminder. So disappear. Or get more of the same.

 

I learned to hide, to feel shame - and to anyone with an ounce of integrity, it doesn't feel right to pretend constantly. There's only so much dissonance anyone should have to tolerate in their life. And the bitch of it all is that intellectually, I know I don't have anything to feel shame for - certainly no more than anyone else. And much to be proud of.

 

To the people that gave me those beliefs, I have something to give to you in return: the middle finger.

 

You think I'm going to buy into all of that? Not really. Not now that I have come to know that those messages are not true, not a native part of me, and that they are wrong. Just flat-out wrong.

 

I think that maybe I understand why some of it happened. Other things, I never will.

[scatterd]

You hurt me and took away my confidence .I loved and trusted you and you degraded me,I could not say anything with out you blowing up and beating on me I grew tired and wanted to leave so you threatened me and showed me where you would bury me if I left,I grew to fear you.When I finally built up courage to leave you cried for me back,It stuck with me I ended up with two more like you because my self worth was gone.And the same things repeated for years.I took yrs to fix myself I still am working on it but I know who I am and I learned to love me.I forgave you I know you must of had something wrong for you to do that.I pray for you and I feel better because I can you are godly now so we both learned.I have been abused in many ways from emotional physical and even raped but I am a surviver.

[Citizen Erased]

I always feel a little silly posting on threads like these...I didn't suffer physical or sexual abuse at the hands of this person, although he did on my mother...he almost killed her after I left home. The emotional abuse was bad enough. He managed to terrify me without even laying a hand on me. If I didn't leave when I did he would have, and worse. I knew what he wanted from me.

 

I told him what I needed to the night I left home. That he would die alone. And he did. If I could see him now I'd tell him it satisfies me in a way it shouldn't that he killed himself, not had a heart attack like his family spread around. That when I found out he died I literally jumped for joy and laughed.

 

Mainly I'd tell him that I hope I never feel that way about anyone ever again. And that despite his best efforts the people he abused are happy.

[mamadee]

to k: i didn't understand what you were doing...how could you do that to an 8 year old kid? and then you lied--saying it never happened--and your mom believed you...that set me up for some really horrible crap later in my life...

 

to st: wtf? i was 11...11!!!!!!!!!! because of what happened to me by k i was ashamed and afraid to tell my parents, but you suck for what you did you incredible bastard! and when k's sister saw you attack me all she did was laugh...making it where i could never tell anybody anything again...

 

to ss: you protected me once...i couldn't stand you most of the time, but you protected me once when i was in third or fourth grade...but then you turned into a monster...i was 12 and our older brother wasn't around to protect me from you...and because of what happened with k and sa i could never tell mom and dad...i didn't tell them until i was 15 and they were gone and i couldn't handle coming back from camp if you were going to be the only one who was there...you made me hate myself more than k or st could ever have done because you were my brother (were because i no longer consider you in my family)...and when i finally confronted you face to face...when i was already married and in my late 20s--you lied...you called me a liar...i hate that when i'm being intimate with my husband that i sometimes think of you and i lose all interest in continuing...i hate that you not only screwed up as a brother, but as a father (i'm still not sure i believe that you never did anything to your daughter!)...she didn't turn out so great--3 kids by the age of 17--and then you went and had another kid...at least this one's a guy and i'm not afraid of you molesting him... you suck, i hate you, you're a f*cking liar, and i'm glad you're in constant pain--you deserve it--you made me try to kill myself when i was 15 and it has caused many physical problems throughout my life...at least i only have to see you at funerals.