I'm 24 and he's 40. Should I even consider dating him??

[confusedmuch]

I met this guy today who has such an amazing personality. We talked for a while and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just had the hardest time looking past his age.

 

I know there are a lot of people out there who date, fall in love with and happily marry people 10 to 20 years older than they are, but still...

 

Should I even consider dating him when I'm in my twenties and he's, well, 40? I could see it if I was in my 30's and he was in his 40's or something.

 

But I really like his personality! Any advice on how or why I should I look past his age and just go ahead and date him?

[Awesome Username]

I used to have a big problem with people dating that were that far apart in age from each other, but after reading on LS and looking around me I'm starting to care less.

 

Is he where you see yourself being when you're his age? If you eventually want children, does he have the means to afford them and does he have his act together? If not, kick him to the curb. You two should not be equal in terms of what you've acquired in life, since he is almost twice your age. Just a heads up - because if one day you decide that you DO want children with a house and a golden retriever in the suburbs, you might be thirty by the time you have it and he'll be fifty. If you want kids, he might be sixty when your kid is ten years old. It seems drastic, but these are real things to think about.

 

Situation:

 

Here is the difference - If there is a nice, cool student who is studying to get his bachelors and he lives in a box or at his parents house while he's getting his act together and he's 21 years old, I'd date him.

 

If there is a guy that is 35 years old who is in the same situation, I would not date him. What in the Hell was he doing in those fifteen years when he was supposed to be getting his act together? However, if there is a guy that is 35 years old with a place to live, something in the bank, no kids but wants them who has spent all of his youth working and now wants to settle down, I'd certainly date him. This is because I could see myself in that situation at his age, so our values align.

 

That is my rule. If I never wanted kids, I could care less.

[jw90063]

I met this guy today who has such an amazing personality. We talked for a while and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just had the hardest time looking past his age.

 

I know there are a lot of people out there who date, fall in love with and happily marry people 10 to 20 years older than they are, but still...

 

Should I even consider dating him when I'm in my twenties and he's, well, 40? I could see it if I was in my 30's and he was in his 40's or something.

 

But I really like his personality! Any advice on how or why I should I look past his age and just go ahead and date him?

 

Now days its more and more common, so I don't even know.

 

I personally think that sounds a little too old for 24. I have a hard time understanding what you would have in common. What all do you talk about, or what do you have in common so far?

[meerkat stew]

It's completely a matter of your comfort level. Have been on both sides of age gaps over the years, and honestly the biggest gaps were some of the best relationships.

 

All relationships end, most end in the intermediate term, try not to worry about heavy things in the far future and just enjoy meeting a new person and having fun for the time being.

[SoulSearch_CO]

My XH was 15 years older than me (started when I was 22, him 37) and the most recent guy I dated was 14 years older than me (me 29, him 43). It's not that big of a deal. They were the two guys I was most compatible with. So if you ask me - I'd say go for it. I think older guys are awesome.

[confusedmuch]

I used to have a big problem with people dating that were that far apart in age from each other, but after reading on LS and looking around me I'm starting to care less.

 

Is he where you see yourself being when you're his age? If you eventually want children, does he have the means to afford them and does he have his act together? If not, kick him to the curb. You two should not be equal in terms of what you've acquired in life, since he is almost twice your age. Just a heads up - because if one day you decide that you DO want children with a house and a golden retriever in the suburbs, you might be thirty by the time you have it and he'll be fifty. If you want kids, he might be sixty when your kid is ten years old. It seems drastic, but these are real things to think about.

 

Situation:

 

Here is the difference - If there is a nice, cool student who is studying to get his bachelors and he lives in a box or at his parents house while he's getting his act together and he's 21 years old, I'd date him.

 

If there is a guy that is 35 years old who is in the same situation, I would not date him. What in the Hell was he doing in those fifteen years when he was supposed to be getting his act together? However, if there is a guy that is 35 years old with a place to live, something in the bank, no kids but wants them who has spent all of his youth working and now wants to settle down, I'd certainly date him. This is because I could see myself in that situation at his age, so our values align.

 

That is my rule. If I never wanted kids, I could care less.

 

That's a really good point! Yes, he's doing really well financially, has won business awards (best business ideas or something) and still looks at life like someone in their 20's.

 

So yeah, I guess that helps, thanks.

[confusedmuch]

My XH was 15 years older than me (started when I was 22, him 37) and the most recent guy I dated was 14 years older than me (me 29, him 43). It's not that big of a deal. They were the two guys I was most compatible with. So if you ask me - I'd say go for it. I think older guys are awesome.

 

That's really good to know, thank you!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I met this guy today who has such an amazing personality. We talked for a while and he wanted to take me out to dinner but I just had the hardest time looking past his age.

 

I know there are a lot of people out there who date, fall in love with and happily marry people 10 to 20 years older than they are, but still...

 

Should I even consider dating him when I'm in my twenties and he's, well, 40? I could see it if I was in my 30's and he was in his 40's or something.

 

But I really like his personality! Any advice on how or why I should I look past his age and just go ahead and date him?

 

 

IF there are elements of your world before this which might cause you to be comfortable with older guys, where perhaps your like-aged girlfriends "would never...", then that would be a clear reason why this could make perfect sense for you.

 

Even if there are no early factors such as that, you may still resolve to learn a whole lot about men through dating such a mature guy than what is typically available around your social circles.

 

I don't think it would hurt you, but it would be comforting if we could sense that your self-preservation mechanisms would demand that you be treated fairly and appropriately no matter who you date.

[Island Girl]

My brother and SIL are 20 years apart.

 

He is 45 - she is 25.

 

They get along famously - are blissfully happy - and have a very healthy stable relationship.

 

What works just works and it is NEVER the same with everyone. You have to make your own decision for what is best for you.

 

It sounds like you really like him as in his personality and who he is as a person. In the end that is what is most important in a relationship.

 

If it were me, I'd go for it but I tend to be one of those people that takes chances for what I want - grabs life with both hands and hangs on.

It's MY ride - my decisions - and the only thing that matters is how I feel about it.

 

So that is where your decision lies...do you care what everyone else thinks and wants or do you care about what you think and want?

[prettybaby]

I'm 26 and he is 40. I never considered it an issue. It's something you can't change anyway. You simply have to realize that if it's long term you're looking at: you will have to face age-related challenges sooner than women who married someone with no (or little) age gap. And you could end up a widow by the time you're only 50-something or early 60's. It sounds crude, but you might as well face it now.

 

That's the most tragic side of it, really. I try not to think about it too much, but once in a while, I admit I have to fight the tears when those things cross my mind.

 

This relationship is the best I've ever had though. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

[ADF]

There is no reason to reject this man out of hand.

 

One thing you should be aware of, however, is that many men who consistently date much younger women often have serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But many also like dating women they consider less worldy than they are, who are less savvy, and who they can more easily manipulate. Some older men also maneuver younger women into positions of financial dependence. That's all you have to watch out for.

[Waitress]

I'm 26 and he is 40. I never considered it an issue. It's something you can't change anyway. You simply have to realize that if it's long term you're looking at: you will have to face age-related challenges sooner than women who married someone with no (or little) age gap. And you could end up a widow by the time you're only 50-something or early 60's. It sounds crude, but you might as well face it now.

 

That's the most tragic side of it, really. I try not to think about it too much, but once in a while, I admit I have to fight the tears when those things cross my mind.

 

This relationship is the best I've ever had though. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

I think this is what matters. Don't you? Wouldn't you trade a lifetime of just okay for even ten minutes of wonderful? And are there really any guarantees when you're the same age?

 

Ya gotta wonder why so many people have such WONDERFUL relationships when the age difference is large! Maybe it's the awareness of how precious the connection is...maybe going against the grain is being alive...maybe there's something really meaningful if the connection knows no bounds of age difference...

 

Maybe we should all stop worrying so much about anything but how it feels to be with someone? (talking to myself as much as anyone else...for when I'm off my break, of course. )

[gtrguy]

My question would be why is he 40 and still single? He obviously has no interest in a future marriage/kids etc. At least it is extremely unlikely at that age. She also has to think about her future with him. Say she married this guy and had kids. So if he has a kid at 43, he would be 63 when the kid is 20? Quite old.. I think 20 years is a ridiculous age difference. 10-12 years I can see, but 20 jesus.

 

There is no reason to reject this man out of hand.

 

One thing you should be aware of, however, is that many men who consistently date much younger women often have serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But many also like dating women they consider less worldy than they are, who are less savvy, and who they can more easily manipulate. Some older men also maneuver younger women into positions of financial dependence. That's all you have to watch out for.

[Jersey Shortie]

None of us can answer this question for you. Do you think he would still want to date you if he were 40 and he was as well? Men look down on women as they age and while your young now, you will also age. His interests might remain to the same age group.

[faf]

I'm 42, she's 26. It's a new relationship just over 6 months but it's a very good one. One of the best I've had.

 

Go for it.

[Island Girl]

Men look down on women as they age and while your young now, you will also age.

 

SOME men do. Other men do not and see beauty in their own age group -- JUST LIKE WOMEN.

[Miko]

I've heard people mention the risk of being widowed fairly young but...most women live longer anyway so they're likely to be widowed at some point with someone their own age. If you were 55 or 60 years old you'd have a fair shot at finding someone new as opposed to being 75 or 80 and not nearly as mobile or willing and able to socialize.

 

I hate to be morbid but if you look at it in real life context it seems an equal if not better proposition in that respect.

[Jersey Shortie]

SOME men do. Other men do not and see beauty in their own age group -- JUST LIKE WOMEN.

 

I don't year men say they see the beauty in women their own age group. I hear women say that, but I don't hear men say it. So it's a nice thought but it's not how men really see women. There is a reason they look at cheerleaders in porn, it's not because they want women their own age.

 

And as other say, when you date older men, you do have the risk of them dying first. My mom is 52 and we just lost my dad who was 67.

[northstar1]

I don't year men say they see the beauty in women their own age group. I hear women say that, but I don't hear men say it. So it's a nice thought but it's not how men really see women. There is a reason they look at cheerleaders in porn, it's not because they want women their own age.

 

And as other say, when you date older men, you do have the risk of them dying first. My mom is 52 and we just lost my dad who was 67.

 

My gf is in my age group (30s) and I think she's beatiful. So, not everyone fits into that mold.

[cupidotheblogger]

You like the right? At the end of the day, that's all that matters. No, you don't have to marry him. Why not take the time to get to know each other and see where it goes? You and him are the only ones in this friendship/relationship so you have to be the one to decide if he is right for you.

 

People on the outside looking in are going to always have their opinions but you are adults, only you two will know what makes you happy and if that's each other....go for it!

[Island Girl]

I don't year men say they see the beauty in women their own age group. I hear women say that, but I don't hear men say it. So it's a nice thought but it's not how men really see women.

 

How extremely shallow. To you beauty is only skin deep. That's funny. Really really funny.

 

Attraction changes as you get older too JS. And although I can look at a young man and see attractiveness - I am drawn to other things now. Wrinkles around the eyes and character in a face. Men are no different.

 

I can't wait until you have a few years under your belt. You are a very smart girl but you look at men and behavior with foregone conclusions and blinders on.

 

I am 40. I do not have an issue with finding dates. Men who are in their early 20s have pursued me - and men in their 50s have pursued me and many in between.

And what I have found since dating older men in my 30s is that MEN just like WOMEN see attraction as more than the outside wrapping. They - just like us - need more there and in fact, with age, personality, intelligence, and companionship rise to the top as more necessary.

Edited December 15, 2009 by Island Girl

[seibert253]

If you're happy and he too, then age is nothing but a number.

[O'Malley]

Besides his prior relationship history, take this into account:

 

Is he where you see yourself being when you're his age? If you eventually want children, does he have the means to afford them and does he have his act together? If not, kick him to the curb. You two should not be equal in terms of what you've acquired in life, since he is almost twice your age.

 

As BB07 stated, it's also possible that he has children.

[Kristie16]

There is no reason to reject this man out of hand.

 

One thing you should be aware of, however, is that many men who consistently date much younger women often have serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But many also like dating women they consider less worldy than they are, who are less savvy, and who they can more easily manipulate. Some older men also maneuver younger women into positions of financial dependence. That's all you have to watch out for.

 

Why does this happen and where do you think that need for control comes from?

[tkgirl]

I don't year men say they see the beauty in women their own age group. I hear women say that, but I don't hear men say it. So it's a nice thought but it's not how men really see women. There is a reason they look at cheerleaders in porn, it's not because they want women their own age.

 

And as other say, when you date older men, you do have the risk of them dying first. My mom is 52 and we just lost my dad who was 67.

 

I do... not to sound conceited, but guys say it to me... in my own age group and younger guys as well...

not all women get less attractive as they get older, just the ones that stop caring do...