Kindness or just stupid? Weird situation, need Input.

[CostumeSmile]

Alright....I broke up with my X due to his infidelities, now he's back around and we've become friends.

 

Before I broke up with him he had a child with some girl who he had a fling with during one of our breakups. At the time I had tried to deal with the situation since it had happened during one of our breakups where I had kicked him out our apartment (not that it condones his having a fling and getting the chick pregnant) after a while I decided I couldn’t' cope with it, I couldn't handle it so I left him for good.

 

Now, I've met the girl and the baby. He is not with her, they never had anything but that fling which produced this child anyway thing is that I really like this baby, I love(d) my X dearly and when I see the baby I can't help but feel instant love for it too...

 

The girl isn't ignorant and even thanks me for being so nice, I met the baby before even he did and I was who assured him the child was his....he has his eyes (very unique). She sees that I've been helpful in helping him accept and deal with the situation so she has no problem with me being around the child.

 

I thought I would hate this girl, I thought I wouldn't be able to even look at this child but it's the total opposite. I don't understand.

 

He is constantly trying to get back with me but I'm too fearful that he could never change, he was a chronic cheater and I dealt with way more than any one ever should. I do however feel so much for him, I love him...but not like a boyfriend (I could never take him seriously again) just as a person. I worry about him all the time, I care so much for him. It's like God put this soft spot in my heart for him. Usually I'm a tough girl, I don't take any bull from no one but for some reason in this situation I find my self being soooo soft....too soft!

 

Tomorrow he is supposed to baby sit his child for the 1st time and wants me to help him. She called me and asked if it was alright too.

 

I want to help them both, in my heart I feel it's right b/c I care for him and his child but my mind tells me this is crazy.

 

I feel like I'm turning the other cheek!

 

Anyone got input.

[cdn]

I think it's nice, actually. Perhaps you are turning the other cheek. This is a good thing, no? As long as you are not being taken advantage of (which isn't what it sounds like) or engaging in some fantasy about a family with your ex.

 

You loved your x at one time (maybe you still do in some ways). This is his child. It is natural that you would love his child. I see it as a sign that you have resolved any anger or bitterness that came from your break-up and this is a good thing. Perhaps your x's child embodies his good qualities without exhibiting any evidence of those issues that caused your break up.

 

Babies are a happy thing. Enjoy!

[CostumeSmile]

Thanks so much......I knew that these kind feelings couldn't be wrong. And no, no fantasizing about family. I have my own daughter who is 8 and I had my chance to have his child but chose not to due to his inability to be faithful. I'm glad I'm not the one who has to deal w/ the hardship of raising a child w/out being w/ the father, I already went through it (maybe that's why I feel for this girl).

 

I'm not the type of person that get's taken advantage of, I'm very alert and outspoken and usually not this compassionate that's why this confuses me.

 

He is so happy, he wanted a baby so bad and now he has a little boy...I'm happy for him. It's weird cause I do love him very much but in a different way, like I care about his well being and stuff (kinda like family). He's had a very hard life growing up and I'm sympathetic towards him in a way, sometimes I put my self in his shoes and ask my self if I wouldn't of turned out the same as him. It's like he's bad but b/c he's barely known good in his life. He treasures me and never could understand how I could care for him even after all he's put me through.

 

Again thanks.

[cdn]

Sounds like a real Christmas story. :-)

[moimeme]

Well, it's certainly different. As long as all of you are happy with the situation, it's great. It's exactly the way that all relationships would end up, ideally. And, if it's making you more compassionate, so much the better. Compassion is a good quality to have, after all.

[Tony T]

Sorry I saw this so late. It would be nuts for you to help your ex babysit with some child he fathered during a one-night stand after one of your break ups with him. This represents everything you are against. The guy cheated on you repeatedly and apparently he can't keep his dick in his pants. Why would you want to condone this activity by being such a warm buddy to him on such an occasion? Let him babysit his own babies and you go on with your life.

 

The situation you describe is utterly absurd, the sort of thing you would hear described on Jerry Springer. This is a guy YOU LOVED AND CARED ABOUT. While the two of you were broken up, instead of being in deep pain and hurt liked most men who had just broken up with a girl they loved, he was out screwing girls. Even if this is the way he deals with pain, you don't need to be such an intimate part of the life of a guy like that. So here you are now going out to babysit with the child he fathered while he was broken up with you.

 

I hate to tell you this but this dude runs off of hormones and thinks with his penis. His instincts are telling him he needs to bond with the baby and be a part of it's life. But his penis is hoping like hell that you'll be so impressed with his conduct around this child that he'll get another nice round of sex with you.

 

This is the nuttiest thing I've ever heard. However, other people here apparently think it's a real sweet thing to do. It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me. I just don't think that's the way the world works.

 

And, yes, it's really nice his sex partner is sweet you to. Isn't that special. She has to be. If she wants a babysitter on a regular basis, it's really nice to have you behind the effort.

 

You are a nice lady but in this particular case you are going way too far. I hope you will consider raising the bar on the standards you require from guys you date...and that you befriend. The guy has the morals of a worm. No, sorry, worms don't do the stuff he does.

[BabyGirl]

I agree with Tony.....sort of...it's up to your x to learn how to be a father to his son. He shouldn't need anyone's "help" to babysit and bond with the baby. You're setting yourself up for more heartache. Sure, it's ok to be friends with your x...but you shouldn't involve yourself in his relationship with his son. You already know what kind of boyfriend he is....don't step over the friendship boundary. He may try to use your pity to weaken you.

[CostumeSmile]

Yeah I agree w/ both sides. I mean in a way it's nice and it's big of me to help even after all that he's done but on the other hand it's too much. All I know is that I honestly don't feel any animosity towards him and definitely not towards this innocent child. I guess "Pity" is the perfect word for how I feel about the whole situation.

 

I can honestly say that I don't want or even have any hopes of having anything with him. When I was with him I offered him a better life, totally different from what he was raised around. He comes from a hell hole where his Mom was coke addict, he has 2 older bro's, 1 in jail serving a 10yr bid and the other is a dope addict. He was raped as a child by his oldest brother.

 

When I met him he was only 19, just out of DYS and trying to get his life together. His father had just died from years of drug use and he wanted to be the total opposite of him. He used to cry for his family all the time, he wanted to help them, get them out of that type of life. I fell in love with him b/c I saw his dedication to his family. I also felt he deserved a chance. I was raised totally different, I come from a Christian background. I thought I could help him, change him for the better and I was too forgiving with him.

 

He has been a bad person yes but honestly this guy has only known bad in his life, I offered him love and he wanted it but never did know how to return it. He has a good heart, while together he did a lot for me as far as being a man and supporting me and my child (which he didn't need to do). He did a lot of things that were good, so much so that I was compelled to forgive him for his "mistakes" so many times...eventually I realized that I couldn't be happy as his "girlfriend" but I did still wanted him in my life b/c he is the type of guy that would give you the shirt of his back if you asked. His promiscuity didn't over shadow his kind heart, I learned to separate the two and love him for who is aside from that.....as just a friend!

 

All this would have been easier for me to turn my back on if I didn't know his background, if I didn't understand him.

 

Well thanks for all the great advice, I do feel both views on this........I guess I'll just have to be a friend from the sidelines on this one.

[moimeme]

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

 

Most people haven't the strength to forget their own pain enough to reach out to someone else. People who can forgive to this extent are rare - sadly. CS, you clearly recognize that this guy has not learned how to act like a fully functional adult because of his life experiences and you have the heart and decency to not hold that against him. I think that's awesome.

 

I wish to heavens lots more people could be that understanding of people and their flaws. There's a term that Albert Ellis uses; 'FHB'. We are all FHBs (Flawed Human Beings) and we need to be able to understand and forgive others for their very human flaws. You understand that he was not malicious nor uncaring, he simply was unable to conduct a mature, adult relationship. Kudos to you. I wish people would copy your posts and read them daily as an example of how to be understanding of others. Too many people expect every adult to be able to comport himself as though he has no issues, history, or wounds. It is unrealistic and unfair because many many adults retain deep wounds from their past. If we'd all be more understanding of this, we'd substitute healing love and understanding for hate and spite.

[CostumeSmile]

Thanks moimeme your post does worlds for the way I feel about this, I was so mad at my self thinking I was just weak but I guess truth is that it takes more strengh to feel this way than to take the easy route out (hate).

[hurtinrealbad]

I know what you mean, but there is also a saying that if you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. Most people dont' put up with cheating, and certainly not more than once, but sometimes when you are so in love with someone you get blinded and fall into a state of denial and somehow think that he/she is doing the things they're doing because it's your fault. (not that I'm saying this is your situation) Being a guy, if I were him and I saw that you were still hanging around and being nice to me, it kind of sends the message that it's ok to be sleeping around with other women. It's like having your cake and eating it too. I gather from what you're saying is that you love him as a friend, but not romantically.

 

Como el puede hacer esas cosas a una mujer tan bonita, como tu? Sorry, I'm just "assuming" you speak Spanish from your photo and the quote at the end of your posting.

 

Anyway those are my comments on your situation. I believe in second chances, but not third, fourth, fifth, etc. Vete a buscar un hombre de verdad, uno que puede cuidarte y amarte como tu quieres.

 

dmh- Islas Virgenes

[Tony T]

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

 

Just because somebody doesn't wish to be a stupid fool doesn't mean he isn't forgiving, kind and understanding of other people's flaws. I know about flaws. I have a lot of them myself. But I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ask any woman I'm may be seeing to come help me babysitting the kid I fathered after we broke up because I was screwing around on her. I can be understanding of people's flaws and stupidity but I don't have to attend the dysfunction party!

 

Forgiveness and understanding have nothing whatsoever to do with being made a fool out of and have shxt rubbed in your face. This is one of the most ridiculous situations I've ever heard of. The next tier up would be if this guy invited CostumeSmile over to watch him have sex with his overnight fling. Now wouldn't that be a hoot.

 

If CostumeSmile goes through with this, I'll give her some real nice stars to wear on her forehead and it will make her a wonderful human being. It will also give a nice rubberstamp of approval to her ex's freewheeling penis!

[moimeme]

I was so mad at my self thinking I was just weak but I guess truth is that it takes more strengh to feel this way than to take the easy route out (hate).

 

Exactly. There was another thread on forgiveness earlier. Same thing applies. As long as you hate, it's because you are still in pain (anger is not an emotion; it's a reaction). Once you have freed yourself of the pain, the hatred leaves and you heart is clear of toxic feelings - then you can move on to the much more healthy state of forgiveness.

 

It's not as though you remained in the relationship with him and he is continuing to cheat on you. You are being a friend to him, and your friendship may just help him to get beyond his horrible youth and grow into a mature, healthy man. Problem is that if everybody rejects someone who has issues because of his past, he has no hope of ever overcoming them. People big enough to care for people like that can make huge differences in their lives.

[moimeme]

It'll be a cold day in hell when I go out with some ex to babysit the result of a sexual encounter she had after she broke up with me

 

Why. You're not together any more. She's moved on - so have you. She didn't have the baby or the affair while she was with you - so what's the big deal? Unless you still harbour hate and resentment for having been broken up with. Which you can do, if you really want, but all that does is poison you. It is in your best interests to do all you can to purge yourself of any of these sorts of residues from old relationships. There is nothing to be gained by keeping that junk backed up in your heart. It only hurts you.

 

Forgiveness and understanding have nothing whatsoever to do with being made a fool out of and have shxt rubbed in your face

 

If stepping out of pride and principle to extend love to someone who needs it makes one a fool, where's the loss? The choice to be loving is always the best choice. You can go to your grave proud. Nobody will say 'at least s/he kept her/his dignity'. We admire loving people. Many would say Mother Theresa was a fool to give up her comfortable life to live in slums with filthy, sick people. It's about agape.

 

She's not still in love with him. She understands why he did what he did, and her pain is gone. So, really, it's her business, isn't it?

 

I repeat;

 

As long as you hate, it's because you are still in pain (anger is not an emotion; it's a reaction). Once you have freed yourself of the pain, the hatred leaves and you heart is clear of toxic feelings - then you can move on to the much more healthy state of forgiveness

[CostumeSmile]

Yeah, he is aware and doesn't understand my ways himself. He always asks "how could love me so much?".

I just tell him it must be God.

[CostumeSmile]

Tony,

I'm not with him and I left him over this 8 long months ago, we are just freinds. This child is only 6months old and he just met him 2weeks ago. When he found out this girl was pregnant he ran from the situation, he was so scared that I would do exactly what I did....leave him for good!

 

It's been a long time since him and I even talk, he's always called me to check in, say hi and talk about things. I never denied him a freindship b/c I truely feel for him (compassion).

 

Him and this girl (not that it even matters) don't have anything going, never did after that one night, she has told me her self! This is the product of a very bad mistake. Anyway......when I said I loved him I mean it.....this means unconditionally....my man or not I will still love him.....that's what real love is! It's unconditional....not Oh I'll only love you untill we break up! Geesh!

 

Como el puede hacer esas cosas a una mujer tan bonita, como tu? Sorry, I'm just "assuming" you speak Spanish from your photo and the quote at the end of your posting.

I'm truly flattered, Gracias. Si claro que hablo espanol, yo soy Puertoriquena....y tu? Los hombres son uno perros...ha y los latinos son los mas frescos...lol.....that's the reason for my quote.

[hurtinrealbad]

Costume Smile, the fact that you can still love him (regardless of how or what the "love" is) after what he did speaks volumes about your character and the type of person you are. Forgiving someone like that is truly God-like. Forgiveness is certainly one of my flaws, easy to ask for, but hard for me to give. You just hang in there and your good deeds will not go unnoticed.

[BlockHead]

CostumeSmile

I think Tony is mostly right. I get the impression that you see your X as a lost little boy, and that you are trying to mother him. You want to teach him how be a good person. He is not putty in your hands. Understand that this guy brings problems onto himself and others. He is a complete fool. I see his new child as another victim of his foolishness.

 

Tony

But his penis is hoping like hell that you'll be so impressed with his conduct around this child that he'll get another nice round of sex with you.

’Mom, look at what I can do.’

‘You’ve been a good boy.’

What is his reward?

 

You are a doormat, and he freely wipes the dirt off his shoes.

[moimeme]

Funny how we expect others to absolve our failings but we will not extend that courtesy to others. Well, not funny. Very, very sad.

 

'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.

 

'Forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US'

[CostumeSmile]

Doormat... ....if you only knew me..........I'm am by far a doormat, believe me when I say he has paid consequences for the things he's done to me, if I mentioned some of my "vengeful" acts against him you'd think I was psychotic or evil....but in the end, I decided to stop playing games and just let it go.....but by far was I like "oh you cheated boo hoo!"....LOL LOL He would laugh at that!

 

I see my X as what he is....a product of a f***ed up childhood. If you went through half the s*** he went through growing up you probably would have committed suicide! I don't condone his actions but I do understand now that it's not b/c he is an ashole, it's b/c he knows no better. His own mother dozen't love him, how could he love. Look you can't judge w/out know the whole story.

 

I'm not with him, I'm his friend now.....I love him yes...b/c when I told him I loved him I meant it....it wasn't like "oh, I love you for now".....I truly care for this guy....whether he is a fool or not.....he's a fool w/ someone who cares for him enough.....this child unfortunately was a mistake but none the less innocent in the matter and if I choose to help him be a better father to this child I am not a door mat....in fact I'm a better and stronger person than most!

 

In my heart there is peace and I'm fine.

[BlockHead]

moimeme

Funny how we expect others to absolve our failings but we will not extend that courtesy to others. Well, not funny. Very, very sad.

Would you invite a convicted pedophile, who has served out his prison sentence, into your home?

CostumeSmile

I don't condone his actions but I do understand now that it's not b/c he is an ashole, it's b/c he knows no better. His own mother dozen't love him, how could he love.

Why doesn’t he just call you mommy?

he's a fool w/ someone who cares for him enough.

Just somebody to pickup the pieces.

I choose to help him be a better father

You can’t do that for him. Only he can make himself a better person.

 

Maybe you are playing a game called ‘I’m only trying to help you.’

[moimeme]

Would you invite a convicted pedophile, who has served out his prison sentence, into your home?

 

This sort of ploy wins you no points. Jenny, I'm sure, has a name for whatever fallacy you've just used. Fact is, we are not talking about pedophiles, here. We are talking about a man who had a child after his relationship with another woman ended. Let's not get ridiculous.

 

Why doesn’t he just call you mommy?

 

Just somebody to pickup the pieces.

 

You can’t do that for him. Only he can make himself a better person.

 

Maybe you are playing a game called ‘I’m only trying to help you.’

 

People actually can help people in this world. Thank God at least some people try!

[CostumeSmile]

Why doesn’t he just call you mommy?

You can’t do that for him. Only he can make himself a better person

#1. I am far from mothering him, he asked if I can be there while he babysits his new child for the 1st time. He is a 24 yr old guy who's never been around kids, he needs someone to help him take care of this baby (6months old) change, feed ect......of course I'll help him w/ that!

 

Maybe you are playing a game called ‘I’m only trying to help you.’

#2. I am not with him! Excuse me if after I spent 3yrs w/ him I still care for him as a person! I never did understand how people could spend so much time 2gether then breakup and act like they never even met b4. I happen to still be good friends w/ all my X's....yup! All 3 of them...my daughters father, the one that go away....and this one!

 

Just somebody to pickup the pieces.

#3. I sincerely doubt that me helping him babysit once is picking up the pieces....at the end of the night he still walks away w/out me and w/ that child who he has to support for the next 18yrs!

[CostumeSmile]

Well I'm off....I'm going to do it....and guess what!

 

I feel very good about it!

 

Thanks moimeme and all others who supported me on this.

 

I'm sure God will make up for anything that my X can't offer me!

[ramble on rose]

CostumeSmile,

 

Your personality is very much like mine. I am extremely forgiving, see all angles of a problem, attribute people's misbehavior to a messed up childhood, etc. I am also tough and usually do not get worked over by anyone.

 

However.....

 

You are enabling. The fact that you have become part of this triangle is not helping the ex to grow as a mature adult. It's like telling him his behavior of cheating and getting another woman pregnant is OK. Forgiveness is something most people find hard to do, and the fact that you can forgive is a lovely quality yes - but you're still putting yourself out there to be used. You can forgive but you also need to remove yourself from the situation even thought it might hurt. The message you're sending this guy is ... there's still a chance. I think you're deluding yourself into thinking this is just a friendship. Why would you want to be friends with someone who tore your heart out? You can forgive him of course. And then let him go. This sounds like it could get even more complicated in the future.

 

Forgiveness comes easy to me, but letting go is a whole other story. I have had several problems in my lifetime with that, but once I did...I realized I was opening the door to better and healthier people and relationships.

 

I have to say I agree with Tony. I know it sounds a little harsh, but why mince words? He is dead on. I wish you luck, it sounds like you have an amazing heart, but it's time for you to start taking care of that, and not your cheating ex boyfriend's child.