New Member - Separation / Second Chance?

[Fitness Dude]

Well, I'm new to posting but began visiting this site a few months ago when my marriage "hit the skids" so to speak. After much reading and thinking I decided it may do me some good to "vent" here.

 

First, some background......

 

I got married 2 years ago, been together with my wife for 3 years or so before we got married (so a total of 5 to 6 years together). She's about 9 years younger than me.

 

To make a really long story as short as possible, We had a little argument about me working too much (I'm self employed) and not spending enough time with her. At the time, I could tell that something was "different" about that argument. It just felt more "serious" at the time (for lack of a better term). Well, after doing some investigating, I found out that just before that argument, she began communicating (rather frequently) with some other guy. Many text messages and LONG lenghty phone conversations. I have yet to determine if there was anything physical that happened between them, but from a few reliable sources, I would say they didn't.

 

So, she moved out about 2 months ago. As far as I know, she doesn't have anymore contact with this individual. About 1 month into our separation, and about the time when I began to seriously "move on" in my mind about our eventual divorce - she contacted me. At first, about getting the paperwork signed and submitted for our divorce. Well, it flared into a heated discussion about "us" and resulted in us both telling each other that we still "love" each other. It was VERY emotional, to say the least.

 

Since that night we have been getting together from time to time for dinner, drinks, etc. It began by her doing more initiating the contacts but most recently it's been me. Well, I would LOVE to have her come back and try to work on our relationship but she continually says....."she's not ready" and "it's still too soon", and "I want to go slow" (I know, all the classic lines).

 

I had dinner with her about a week ago and spent the night at her apartment. Nothing physical happened but I had the time of my life. While laying in bed, next to her, I thought to myself....."there is no other place I would ever want to be, but to be here, right now, beside her". For the first time in weeks I had a long restful, peaceful sleep beside the person I care for more than anyone in the world. We kissed goodbye in the morning and we told each other that we loved each other. I was on top of the world.

 

Since that night, I've had almost no contact with her. Other than a few random phone calls to say "hello" there has been literally no interest from her to see me again. I have purposefully stopped calling or texting her because it's been eating me alive. It takes every thing I have in my sometimes, to NOT make that phone call. I refuse to do it.

 

She say's she's "trying" to make it work between us but I don't understand how we can try to work on the relationship and talk to each other once a week, and see each other even less. It seemed just a week ago that everything was headed in the direction of her moving back - now, I'm not so sure we'll ever get back together.

 

So much for a short story right! Well, at any rate, I know this story has been told a thousand times before, and it's trite, and probably boring to so many of you too. I'm just lost, my soulmate (or so I thought) is NOT my soulmate as I thought.

 

If you would have asked me 4 months ago if our marriage had any problems / issues I would have said ....."absolutely not". I've just been completely blindsided by this. She said that she had been issues with me for some time but didn't want to "nag" me about them at the time. So, she kept them pent up inside and by the time I knew anything was wrong, she had already gone through the emotions of a potential separation / divorce. I never had a chance to make what I did wrong, right - and I would have. I knew our relationship could use some work, but I had no idea it was going to be over so fast????

 

I have gone through emotional HELL to get to this point, able to speak in a public forum about it. I'm just lost on what to do. I literally think about her every couple minutes, how do I cope?

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm in fear of regretting things that I did or didn't do for the rest of my life, so much in fact, that it could potentially "undo" me at some point. I'm tired of holding back emotion on every phone call to friends and family when I speak about her / us. It's so difficult to deal with the waves of emotion that come over me, with almost no warning whatsoever.

 

It's affecting everything I do - my business, my body, my mind. What should I do? I think the biggest issue I have with speaking to friends and family about all of this is that they're biased, obviously, on my side. I need some objectivity from someone from the outside of all of this.

 

Anyone, please help!

[CanadianGirl76]

I read your thread and it is like a photo negative of my world. I left my husband for issues that had been building for many months. He is not begging me to come home. Txting all the time, calling emailing. I don't know if I can go back to him. I don't know if after all the hurt I can look at him the same.

 

he says he wants to chow me he has changed for the better - I don't believe he has. everyone tells me he wont change and everything will g o right back to where we were.

 

I don't know if I should give him the opportunity as I don't want to be hurt again. He was my best friend and he hurt me, not physically... but he hurt me and as badly as I want to see him change. I wonder if it is really possible.....

[whysohard]

@Fitness Dude, i think you are ok, she is young and probably confused, i am going through more or less the same thing, but in my case she made it clear that we wont get back together and she doesnt love me anymore.

 

if she is the one that did the leaving try and let her save face, it would be so much harder for her to crawl back and say sorry... i'd suggest to subtly ask her to work on the marriage, mediate with friends etc.... let her save face.

 

if that did not work then have the TALK.

 

just remember this is a marriage and you have to exhaustively try everything to make it work... bear in mind she is much younger and she might not look at things the way you do.

 

good luck brother, keep us posted

[Fitness Dude]

Canadian Girl - I don't understand, why do you think people aren't capable of change? I'm not saying that to argue the point, well I guess I am, but not vehemently so.

 

I think people change all the time. I think life is about change, you make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. Sure there are people who will not change, but how can you be so sure your husband is one of them.

 

I guess I believe in marriage so much, that I just hate to see, or hear about marriages failing. Now, I sit having my biggest fear happening to me - watching my marriage crumble around me. I'm a "fixer" by nature, and by vocation so it's so frustrating to not be able to "fix" what is wrong.

 

I would change, I have changed, and I'll be changed forever, because it's the absolute most important thing to me. If I was wrong, and I believe I way, I'm going to be sure not to continue to do the things that go her to the point where she had enough - but I need to know when I'm doing something wrong too.

 

Why do people seem to want to give up so easily. Marriage is hard, life is hard, if you can't fight through difficulties within a marriage, what can you fight through?

 

It's supposed to be "for better or worse" right? Well, when it's "worse" you need to do everything in your power to get it back to "better" - at all costs, your marriage deserves it! All the people that assembled to see you get married were there to witness it, those people deserve it too.

 

I hope this rant is offensive to anyone, I'm obviously where I am with all of this because of where I am with all of this!

 

I just feel like marriage just doesn't seem as important to people anymore. Am I nuts in thinking this?

[tojaz]

 

I just feel like marriage just doesn't seem as important to people anymore. Am I nuts in thinking this?

 

No, your not nuts. Thats absolutely true, thats why there are so many lost souls here. My advice is to just take it slow. This is just as hard for her as it is for you and shes going to need some time to process her feelings and it will be push pull for awhile. If you push like your instincts tell you too, you will be pushing her away. Read some threads of some of the vets here and see what is to come so you can stay ahead of the curve!

Keep Posting, were here to help

TOJAZ

[carhill]

Get in front of a MC and talk about her EA and its impact on your M and where you want to go and what both of you can do to get there. MC's have cancellations all the time. I'll bet you can get in this week. I've done MC so know this is accurate.

 

My instinct is, if she slept with you and did not make love with you, and, in light of the environment she created by her actions and words, she's positioning you as the fallback plan.

 

If you take charge of the M and get her into MC, you'll know for sure. Best wishes

[citygal16]

Fitness Dude.

 

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling, as I have been going through the same thing for the last 2 months, except it's my husband who is "not sure" about things.... there are few people here with this same problem, but I find it interesting that it always seems to be the wife that becomes "confused" -- I seem to be the only wife going through it on this side -- I'm not sure what that means, but maybe I'm the rare bird of a wife who knows exactly what I want.

 

Regardless, I share ALL of your feelings and how hard it truly is to be put in this situation. My friends and fam want to be helpful, but no one really understands what it's like. They try to give advice for things for me to do, but I'm not the one causing these problems, so why should I be "fixing" things?? I think (here I am, giving advice) but I think that the most important thing for you to remember is that if things don't work out, there should be NO regret on your side whatsoever. This isn't a mutual breakup. She would be LEAVING YOU. And make sure she understands that. Because on top of losing your wife, your marriage and everything you thought your life was about, you don't want to also feel that any of this was your fault. Because IT'S NOT!

 

If she is ungrateful for what she had in her life (ie. you, a solid marriage, etc), then the burden of fault lands on her. And make sure she understands that.

[Fitness Dude]

Well, first of all, after reading my posts from earlier I'm lucky anyone even knows what I'm trying to say with all the mispellings and misplaced punctuation. I promise you, I'm usually much more thorough, but it's where my mind has been these last few months with all of this.

 

I know in my heart that if she REALLY wanted to get back together with me, she would be here working on it. We wouldn't be "getting together" for drinks twice a week. I want to respect her wishes for "going slow" but comon' is this really a method that has worked for other people? At this pace I'll be having sex again in the fall of 2015. (This is a poor attempt at a joke - sex is the LAST thing on my mind right now, well, maybe not the LAST thing, but it's not that important at this stage).

 

I'm just that sick little puppy that is holding on to every last drop of hope that I could actually pull this thing out of the firey hell it has fallen into. Considering a month and a half ago, she was nagging me to get the divorce papers together so she could sign them - we've come along way. However, we're certainly not in an position to be cuddling up on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts either!

 

I believe in marriage, what it stands for, what our vows meant, and continue to mean. I just wish my freakin' wife felt the same way sometimes. You know, maybe my life has been too easy or something and this is somone's way of showing me that I need to be a better person.

 

Well, if anyone knows who's deciding this for me (and us) tell them that I've learned my lesson already! Uncle, uncle, uncle!

 

Citygirl - I know how you feel, trust me. 3 months ago I was posting threads on "How to Make Homebrew" forums, now I'm endlessly reading threads about cheating, affairs, divorce, and sexless co-habitation. Life definately throws you some curve balls from time to time!

 

PS - I never mentioned that we have no children! Just her dumb male cat that insists on pissing everywhere (that's something that I DON'T miss being around).

 

PSS - Has anyone ever succesfully circumnavigated the "give me space" world and had a happy marriage afterwords? If so, and there are threads to prove it, please, by all means, send me the link. I'm really long on desperation,and short on inspiration.

Edited December 13, 2009 by Fitness Dude

[tojaz]

Well i don't know the whole story, but this guy successfully put it back together and this thread of his spans 5 years! Not your exact situation, but Owls advice has always been sound and has helped me a lot reading his posts. Give it a look.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=49539

[citygal16]

Fitness dude--

Very funny about the Homebrew... just in September, I was in the same clueless position, picking out new bedding and window treatments for the bedroom! And we don't have children either, which is partly one of the issues (I'm ready, he's not)... but for us, as I'm sure is the same for you, I was the perfect wife (or, in your case, husband). I mean not really perfect, of course, but I was VERY good to him. Supportive career-wise, kept everything clean and tidy, did all the laundry, sent his family cards and gifts, cooked his fave meals, basically EVERYTHING. Maybe I was too good? Maybe I should have been one of those bitchy wives? Regardless, I, too, have been blindsided...everything in my life (and his) up to this point had been paved with roses. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But, on the obligatory cliched high note, it has taught me a few things about myself and about my role in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter).

 

But keep the hope alive, those divorce papers aren't signed yet, it's not over yet! And I'm sure there are plenty of marriages that have survived something like this. It could just be one of those "rocky" parts of marriage that people try to explain to you before you get married. I certainly didn't sign up for anything like this, but it could all be happening for a reason.

 

Also-- since you don't have kids, was she not ready for it? Or were you guys trying and not successful? How long have you been married again?

[Fitness Dude]

Citygal - We've been married 2 years, separated 2 months, we both decided that we didn't want children, however, I'm having 2nd thoughts about that now.

 

Well, it may all be for nothing at this point. Last night she was supposed to come over for dinner and she texted me in the middle of the day making excuses why she didn't want to come over. "Maybe it isn't the best idea right now" and the like.

 

I was so frustrated when I read the texts. She knew how much it meant to me to have her come over for dinner. I had thought about it for DAYS in anticipation, and then BAM! She drops the bomb.

 

Well, we had it out on the phone. I told her that I believe in marriage what it means in committing to each other. I told her that I believed in the "better or worse" and that this is just a case of us needing to get past a "bad time" and move on. She wasn't having it, she essentially said the dreaded ILYIJNILWU again. I got so frustrated and I just hung up.

 

So, I don't see us reconciling anything at this point. It's been a month in the making of us talking and getting back together from time to time. Now, I believe it's REALLY over.

 

Tonight I'm going out with a good friend, of the opposite sex, for drinks. This is EXACTLY what I didn't want to happen but I'm forced to move on. I will not sit around any longer and do the "puppy dog" thing anymore.

 

I know what will happen is that she's come knockin' when I'm going to be so far gone, that it will never work. I just hate life sometimes and how cruel it can be.

 

Why is it that everybody always wants to be with someone else. So they act on it, and the cycle continues again. What happened to marriage and committment?

[citygal16]

Hi FD-

I'm sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse. Sometimes I think that the whole "back and forth" of the situation is really the hardest part. Because if she had just walked out the door, at least you'd know what to do....move on. But now you're in this situation where you have to wait for her to decide, and it's putting you in a bad place.

 

I said the same thing to my husband about his "waiting game" -- that if he didn't decide soon, I'd be forced to move on and find someone else. And then it would be too late for us... you'd think he would already be worried about this, as I am a model/actress and work with good looking men ALL day, but I feel like he can't see outside of his own problems.

 

That being said, I'm glad to hear that you are going out and seeing "whats out there", but don't act on it until this is all cleared up, because I don't think it would help the situation, it will most likely confuse things more and give your wife the excuse to walk out (and possibly get half the assets...not sure of your situation with your home and stuff) Don't let her have the "out" by cheating, but definitely go out there and "check out the scene". I've been going out with girlfriends, just to see what's "out there" and what I may be possibly going back to.... and it was pretty motivating, I must say. I certainly haven't lost it -- and it's given me some added confidence during this wavering time period.

 

Good luck

[Fitness Dude]

Well, I went out with an old "girlfriend" last night and had a really good time. There was definately some "attraction" between us, but it felt so WRONG. I just kept thinking about my wife, and essentially me "giving up" on our marriage - I feel like I'm forced, at gunpoint, to do something that I don't want to do right now.

 

I know, I know, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. I'm my own person and can make decisions. I just know that I REALLY enjoy spending time with someone, cooking dinner, watching movies, taking walks, etc. I miss that part SOOOO bad.

 

At night when it's just so quiet I can't help but think about the times we had together, and how I could have done things different. I miss all of that, and my wife obviously doesn't want to do any of those things with me anymore, so I have this big 'ole 6 foot deep hole in my heart that needs filling. She's forcing me to find someone with a shovel, some dirt, and a strong back. (I know really bad analogy, sorry)

 

I'm so worried that I'll regret my actions FOREVER and I'll be left in this "emotional pergatory" for eternity. It's my biggest fear.

 

CG - She has no recourse to the equity in my home, or any of my assets, thankfully. THAT, has been the one saving grace in all of this.

[mark982]

fd, noones forcing you to find someone with a shovel, just gotta stay busy my friend. i sit here and think back on when my ex and i broke. i literally thought i was going to die,go crazy etc. gotta stay busy,hit the gym,biking,hiking, anything.

[seibert253]

Fit Dude,

You sure there's no one else in the picture? You sound like the classic "fall back on". Stringing you along just enough to keep you around in case the OM doesn't work out.

 

She wants her space, give it to her. It's hard, yeah it sucks, but you can't make her come back. She has to want to.

 

If you haven't, read up on the 180 and start. The 180 is about you, improving you, helping you move on. The focus needs to change from trying to bring her home, to being the best you, you can be. If it's for her, that's great, if not, then for the next girl who comes into your life.

 

You pain will heal, it will get easier, but it will take time.

[imagine]

Grieve for your wife.

 

Do not pick up any lady. Its not fair on her or your marriage. Chat to a guy -a pastor maybe or a marriage councilor that believes in marriage.

[citygal16]

Hey FD--

Totally know how you are feeling with this whole "you might do something you'll regret" -- cheating is the defense mechanism for the bruised ego. You feel like your wife doesn't want you, so you need to find someone else who does in order to redeem yourself. Totally get it. I was there a few weeks ago-- but I wouldn't suggest doing it. Because then this whole fiasco is going to go on your shoulders and it wasn't YOU who started it. It was your W, so she is the one whose shoulders it should be on.

 

Because if you guys stay together, it'll be a whole new issue to have to embrace and even if you don't, then you'll have to tell your next girlfriends that you cheated on your wife. Either way, it'll suck. BUT all this being said, you mentioned that you love to do things with another person, cooking, watching movies, etc and you need that in your life... if your wife is so special (which I'm sure she is) it shouldn't be so easy to replace her with another person. Yea, you might have someone to do things with, but will it be as fun or as special?? If she's that easily replaceable, then maybe there's not much of a decision to be making?

 

I'm totally putting hypotheticals out there and this isn't meant to offend in any way, but these are things that had crossed my mind about my own H. If you think I'm wrong, please do tell me so

[Fitness Dude]

Citygal - yeah, i agree with everything you said. I got home last night and REALLY thought about the situation. You're absolutely right, my wife will not easily be replaced and trying to find a "fill in" right now, is the absolute 2nd worst idea ever (don't even ask about my 1st worst idea ever).

 

I know, in my heart of hearts, that all of this will make me a better person. I just wish it would have happened in my LAST relationship, so that I could have applied the principles in THIS relationship. Oh well, I'll get through this, one way or another.

 

I can't believe I just said that....."I'll get through this" is something I never thought I would ever say. I'm making progress, and it does feel good. I have to admit talking about it here is definately helping.

[Steadfast]

FD,

 

FWIW, it could be worse. Just a wild guess on my part, but if she (was) sleeping and/or spending time with you, chances are her affair fog was not very thick. Deep into a hot-n-heavy EA, my ex totally shut me out at the beginning; a totally changed personality. The whole 'us dating' thing came after she'd be out there awhile and saw how the scene really is. She was somewhat broken, hurt.

 

Expect the whole roller coaster thing to continue. People are often wishy-washy when none of their choices thrill them. For her, the problems she's causing in the marriage and her feelings for you (whatever they really are) are causing a lot of guilt. Mix in her feelings for the other man and the consequences of that, and it's likely she feels that no matter what she decides, heartache and disappointment will follow.

 

At this time, your presence only intensifies that guilt, especially when you come across heavy about commitment, broken promises, etc. She knows. She doesn't want to hear it. talking about that just pushes her away even farther. Lighten up.

 

See, I know it sounds hard and I know it goes against your instincts to fight for your marriage, but the ABSOLUTE BEST thing you can do for your relationship is to make yourself attractive to her again. How do you do that? By offering the very things she is seeking; peace and confidence. Even if your marriage ends in divorce, your 'reprogramming' will put you ahead of the game and condition your heart and mind positively.

 

Leave her alone. Let her come to you. It may take weeks, months, or maybe she never does. But, she probably will at some point and at some level, so be ready to listen and decide what's best for you. Right now, this whole thing is all about her, but you're half of it. Don't forget that.

 

Eat, sleep and don't date until you're single. You'll be glad you waited and so will the females you meet. Get right before you get back out there-

Edited December 18, 2009 by Steadfast

[Fitness Dude]

Steadfast - wow, more great advice.

 

I've gone NC, and won't even answer the phone if she calls. I'm done with her. It took me to get to the lowest place in my life to realize that I have to put my foot down. I went through this once when all of this first happened, now, I had to go through it again. I WILL NOT allow her to put me in my place again.

 

If, at some point in the future, she calls I may answer - but that's going to be in the FAR off future. I will always love her, but I'm beginning to feel that I don't love her the same anymore b/c of all of this.

 

She'll realize what she threw away someday in the future, and then it will be far too late!!!

 

Thanks for the encouragement, it looks like I'll be hanging around here more often, in the couple weeks I've been here I already feel transformed.

 

"Well golly, there ain't nutin' that there interweb can't do"! (In my best country-bumpkin impersonating voice)

[arielove]

3 months away from my husband,I left the country not for seperation to work save some money,and come back.He was mad upset,our last day at the airport tears and pain,and I felt at that moment that I dont wanna go I would feel regret from that decision.I was dying to hear STAY! but it was all quite.

 

Now in these 3 months we came to edge of divorce.Killing me.He thinks when things go hard I will run away,but I wont.Its not that easy.

Married for two years,I married and move to US.My life has changed in everyway.I fell crazy in love.

He doesnt trust me anymore,he doesnt want me to come back,Im stuck.

Worst part of it,I dont have a chance to see him,talk face to face.

 

I cant handle watch my marriage die day by day like a movie,If you ask me I would go back home today,but I dont know his reaction,he is very stubborn tough.He might not open the door.

How can I win his trust back again,when he doesnt give me a chance.

[Fitness Dude]

Arielove - I keep thinking about "trust" and how it's so much a synonym for "love" in every way. Your husband doesn't trust you, and that's a BIG problem. I've struggled with all of this too - but you and I can't make the other person WANT us back. They have to feel it for themselves, it's so difficult, believe me when I tell you I struggle with it EVERY few minutes of every day.

 

I'm getting better in miniscule increments, every day, every hour. I know there is progress. I'm dreading the upcoming holidays b/c this will be my biggest test since the original separation.

 

I believe that there is someone out there who will appreciate us, and love us for who we are. They won't ask us to change, they'll embrace our quirks. However, we also have to understand that we need to learn from this experience and never allow things that may have contributed to the problem happen again.

 

I will not go to my grave regretting something TWICE. I've learned from my mistakes, FOREVER.

[citygal16]

FD-

I'm glad to hear you're getting to a better place with all of this....you didn't mention, though, had you guys seen a marriage counselor?

 

I saw my MC last night and she brought up a good point, in front of my H, of course, that if he doesn't believe in partaking in the marriage properly, then I shouldn't be "convincing" him to do so...do I want to "convince" someone that they love me? And she's totally right... I'd rather be alone than do that.

 

But now, at this point, my H claims that he wants to be married, so I'm giving him another shot to prove he can be a husband to me. But regardless, I keep asking myself what I did wrong in the first place to get me to where I am? You said that you don't want to make the same mistake twice? Does that mean that you know what you did wrong? And had you done it before? If so, I'm jealous, because at least you can move forward having had learned something. If we don't end up together, I honestly can't say what it was that I did wrong.

 

Maybe my cooking is bad or I don't fold his laundry properly...hahaha

[Fitness Dude]

Citygal -

 

My wife absolutely refused to see a MC. I asked, and she didn't want anything to do with it. That REALLY crushed me. I know that part of the problem with working through the differences in a relationship is that you talk to "your side" and he talks to "his side" and you never hear objective suggestions. You're always talking with someone who "sides" with your opinion.

 

I so wanted to go to MC, but she wouldn't hear of it. I will always regret not being able to have at least one shot at listening to a MC. I brought it up a couple times and both times she all but FREAKED out about it.

 

In hindsight, I think I could have been a more attentive husband the last year. I told her that I loved her, but I don't know that I always did the best way of showing it. The truth is, I loved her more now, then I ever did - that's the irony of the situation.

 

I love my wife, in every way. I would do anything for her, but I don't know that she knew that. For this reason, I will never, ever, ever, let this happen in my next relationship. It's the old....actions speak louder than words thing. I know, deep down, she knew what she meant to me - but maybe you shouldn't have to dig so "deep down" to know that.

 

I guess I'm bitter b/c my wife didn't tell me anything was wrong until she had so much built-up, that by the time I knew anything was wrong, she had all but checked out already. It was a foregone conculsion at that point.

 

It must be tough if you have no clue what you did that was "wrong" in your H's eyes. I'm assuming you've asked him many times before? What does he say? You have to know specifics, how can you know you're not going to do the same things again, if you don't know what bothered him to begin with? What if the thing that you did "wrong", wasn't "wrong" in your eyes?

 

I think its good that you went to the MC, and it's encouraging that he wants to be married - but what does that mean. I mean, "wanting to be married".....what does that mean, he still loves you?

 

I just can't stand to know that this happens so often in marriages. I wanted to live "happily ever after" and I thought I found someone who sincerely believed in the same. Unfortunately, the first time things got "tough" she just wanted out, as fast as possible. You think you know a person.

[citygal16]

FD-

It's really odd that your W doesn't want to do MC....is it because she has something to hide? Is she embarassed about asking for help? It sounds like she really doesn't value the vows of marriage, because why wouldn't she at least want to give it a try? Are her parents still together? I feel like people from broken homes (and I'm totally generalizing here) tend to view marriage with less sanctity. As for us, no one in my family or my H's family has ever had a divorce, which I think is a big part of why we are fighting so hard to stay together.

 

As for your marriage, it sounds like you really didn't do anything wrong... I mean, you didn't show her that much love? Whatevs. That's not a reason for someone to abandon you like that. If she kept her feelings pent up, then that's HER fault, not yours! She should have said something right away and/or at least given you the chance to show her that you can "change" -- but that being said, maybe you are fine just the way you are and the only person that needs to change is HER. I don't know how old she is, but maybe she has some growing up to do. I read somewhere that 50% of divorced people regret it after....I'm sure if she continues with her actions, she will be one of those people! It's not easy to find a guy that values marriage (I should know, haha), so good luck to her trying to find one!

 

As my me and my H, I'm not sure if I personally did anything wrong, but we changed locations and moved to a new city and my H became a bit successful and started getting all of this new attention from the ladies... we both work in a business that is filled with superficial and unusually good looking people, so it could be that of which undid us. But I hate to blame outside things on my personal problems, so if things don't work out, I'll know I'll certainly be sharing the blame.

 

But we'll see what happens, my H says that he wants to be together and that he's going to be a man from now on. So cue the violin music and bad cliches...Actions speak louder than words! I just wish it wasn't christmastime because no one acts normal during the holidays! Everything is a bit brighter, a bit jollier and a bit FAKER -- LOL!