CanadianGirl76 Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 I need advise. I left my husband 2 months ago - we had been together for 11 years, married for 3 of them. He had been accusing me for months of sleeping around with random people, from old boyfriends ( that i had not seen in 17 years) to our best mutual friend. to the point our friends didnt like being at the house when my husband wasnt home so they wouldnt be accused of sleeping with me....I have never been unfaithful. i had to account for every dollar and every minute or I was up to something. i was stealing his money apparently. I was going through a mid life crisis, nothing I did was up to his par, everything i did was the hard way - I was single handedly screwing our marriage. i moved out - and now he has suddenly changed. he has seen the light, seen his error, lost his best friend and now wants me to give him the opportunity to fix us. i left 6 months ago because he wouldnt listen to me, i couldnt talkt o him through the accusations. He swears he has been faithful, so that doesnt bother me. but i couldnt take the accusations and verbal bashing i got daily. People at work were noticing his bashings on my facebook and started to tell me that was abuse and i shouldnt take that. I started reading and found the words he used were common as was the way I FELT. He said I was a child - an irresponsible parent, no one liked me. He txts me all the time - emails me 100's of emails at work, insists I call or txt where ever I am so he knows i got there safe, wants a key to my apartment ( YEAH RIGHT) wants sex all the time.. is he in love with me as he says he is... or is he obsessing. do i give him another chance or is everyone right - he wont change and NOT that fast for sure.... I feel so lost. please someone who has been here... i need some kind of guidance Link to post Share on other sites
HOTGIMMICK Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 you know what happens to men who lose their wives. they feel like failures and can't accept that. then they start thinking they can fix that by pretending to be someone else and calling it change. all the while it's a mask. the real person you knew was the one you left. the one presented to you now is an image. don't reply anything from him. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 CG76 What do you want? Do you hope that it can be put back together or do you want out? I'm not going to agree with Hotgimmick and say that he cannot change or that he is putting up a ficade. Because I believe anyone can change if they are willing to. If you want him back, I would strongly suggest moving slowly and getting some MC to get to the bottom of his trust issues with you. What he is doinf absolutely IS EMOTIONALY ABUSIVE! So that has to be repaired before anything else can be rebuilt. Best of luck and keep posting! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Fitness Dude Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Canadian Girl - I guess I should have read THIS post before I replied to YOUR reply to my post (you get that all straight)? It sounds like you were indeed being abused mentally, from the info your provided. That's obviously not acceptable in a marriage. I do however believe people can change, and make changes. I see it all the time - they get fed up with something they've been doing wrong, realize that they can change it, and they do. Are they all successful, no - but many people are. You obviously know the situation in MUCH greater detail, but if there is any hope that he could change, and you believe it, he may deserve one last chance - WITHOUT any mental abuse. My .02 (may be worth less than that) Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 CG.. (((hugs))) Look, nowhere in your OP do you say that you love him or whether you want to go back to him. You only mention that he wants to try again. Do you want to go back? Do you love him/like him? Or are you considering going back purely because he wants that? I wish you all the best.. Link to post Share on other sites
HOTGIMMICK Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 It sounds like you were indeed being abused mentally, from the info your provided. That's obviously not acceptable in a marriage. I do however believe people can change, and make changes. I see it all the time - they get fed up with something they've been doing wrong, realize that they can change it, and they do. Are they all successful, no - but many people are. My .02 (may be worth less than that) it is true people can change. but let me let you into something. inner change is permant and not a show of instant change. to be able to change is slow gradual process that takes years to solidify. don't fool people with popcorn ideals. the best she can get right now is an attemp for change. an attemp is still uncertainty. the fact that you and other still have questions to ask shows that even yourselves are uncertain. read the op post carefully. with the time frame presented there can not be real change. and no matter what what the ex did can not be undone. abuse is abuse as murder is murder. why forgive when we as humans can not forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hotgimmick is right; men panic when women leave them. It's a badge of shame. Men are full of pride. Too full, it often seems, and possessive. My take is, if there wasn't some love there for him you wouldn't have posted here. If I'm right, I'd suggest MC but insist that you travel to and from the first sessions separately. I sense he has serious control issues and you must retain your independence; it's only right. We can be there for the ones we love, even live in much love and happiness but no matter how strong the bond is, we don't own each other. In fact, I'd say if someone really does love you, they'll allow you the freedom to chase your dreams and take care of your business. It's important for both to have time alone. If the sessions go well, perhaps you can start dating again -first meeting, then perhaps being picked up. Show this man that you love and care for him by giving the example that respect goes both ways. There's an old adage; if you want love, give it. If you want respect, show it. Try this with him...treat him like you want to be treated. See if it works. There are many wise and loving people here. You picked the right forum- Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I agree everybody is capable or making major changes, but not this quickly Reading between the lines, I see this man as totally insecure. He accuses you of cheating because in his weak mind he does not believe that he is man enough to hold on to a woman. Also, by accusing you he has learned that he can isolate you. He wants to control you. You have to account for every penny and every minute. CONTROL. I can relate as my GF was married to a man who had the same problem. For example he never believed that his son was his. When she seperated for the last time, he tried the old routines again, when that didn't work, he tried to scare her with D-papers, which she promptly signed. He spent the last 20 years of his life trying to win her back. I came into her life about 10 years after the divorce. We were forced to deal with him, as their druggie daughter had a baby girl, and the daughter bounced her living arrangements between the two of them. He was a weirdo. He would have done anything to get her back. When her car broke down, he gave her a truck, so she could take the baby to the doctor. He used to call me and beg me to break it off with my GF. By being with me I was breaking up a family and she was cheating on him. Hell they had been divorced for 10 years. "She always was a cheating whore, you know XXXX isn't mine." "You know you can't trust XXXX (her co-worker), she screws around" She was single, and later when she remarried, "You know you can't trust XXXX and her H, they are swingers" It just never quit. The insecurity problem was too deep, he tried to date others, but they never lasted long. I wonder why? If your H is going to change, it is going to takes years, of IC and therapy, it won't happen over night. You are his property and he is trying to get his property back Don't be shy, keep posting Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I agree everybody is capable or making major changes, but not this quickly Reading between the lines, I see this man as totally insecure. He accuses you of cheating because in his weak mind he does not believe that he is man enough to hold on to a woman. Also, by accusing you he has learned that he can isolate you. He wants to control you. You have to account for every penny and every minute. CONTROL. I can relate as my GF was married to a man who had the same problem. For example he never believed that his son was his. When she seperated for the last time, he tried the old routines again, when that didn't work, he tried to scare her with D-papers, which she promptly signed. He spent the last 20 years of his life trying to win her back. I came into her life about 10 years after the divorce. We were forced to deal with him, as their druggie daughter had a baby girl, and the daughter bounced her living arrangements between the two of them. He was a weirdo. He would have done anything to get her back. When her car broke down, he gave her a truck, so she could take the baby to the doctor. He used to call me and beg me to break it off with my GF. By being with me I was breaking up a family and she was cheating on him. Hell they had been divorced for 10 years. "She always was a cheating whore, you know XXXX isn't mine." "You know you can't trust XXXX (her co-worker), she screws around" She was single, and later when she remarried, "You know you can't trust XXXX and her H, they are swingers" It just never quit. The insecurity problem was too deep, he tried to date others, but they never lasted long. I wonder why? If your H is going to change, it is going to takes years, of IC and therapy, it won't happen over night. You are his property and he is trying to get his property back Don't be shy, keep posting Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 What is wrong with him? He sounds completely mentally unhinged! Is he bipolar, or have anxiety problems, or alcohol problems? He sounds like the husband in "Sleeping with the Enemy'? Was he always this way or just recently? Link to post Share on other sites
jeepmanw518 Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 coming from me a husband who is making all sorts of efforts to better himself for himself. I say he needs to gain your respect before you allow him back. I took my wife for granted and didn't listen to her when she asked to go to counseling. In the first month I was a wreck and did everything wrong. begging and pleading. wrote her a letter of commitment and resolve. pushed her away. i have not called or talked to her in a month I would love for wife to come back but I'm really starting to think she is better off without me and probably happy than i have made her in along time Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 is he in love with me as he says he is... he's a whacko-nutcase-control freak that you need to stay away from and by the way he'll never change Link to post Share on other sites
mommy2kiera Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I would just like to add my two cents. As a person who was the "controlling" one maybe not to the extent your husband was but perhaps similar I know what it is like to have that insecurity that causes you to question what your partner is doing or accuse them of things when they aren't doing them. It is a thought that consumes you until you just can't help it anymore. What he was doing was definitely wrong and certainly if he was abusing you I wouldn't recommend going back. On the other hand sometimes in life it takes something big for someone to realize they are wrong or that they even have a problem. I have been depressed for years, deep down I knew I had a problem but honestly had too much pride to do anything about it. I didn't want to be seen as the whack job doped up on pills. In reality I was pushing everyone away and could never see the error in my ways until my H decided he wanted it over. I am in no way condoning what he has done to you or saying he has "seen the light". But, really for someone who has an insecurity or issue sometimes doesn't want to face things until they have to or maybe they truly don't see where they are wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanadianGirl76 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 WOW! You guys are awsome. I am gong to try to answer every question and hopefully shed some more light here. Ok - He did not drink when I met him 11 years ago. He started to drink socially about 5 years ago and it progressed to binging almost nightly - with or without friends around - He has since I left only drank a few times apparently and apparently not to get drunk I do love him. I try to be guarded and defensive, but he gets angry with me. Whenever I am not answering my phone, or he can't "find" me he gets mad and the accusations start again. I live on my own now, been out almost 3 months, He still wants me to account for every moment. He asked me for a key to my apt so he can see me whenever he wants to. He gets bitter when I wont have him over to my place. I don't want to give up my quiet place. I fear if he knows where I am and gets mad he may show up and cause a scene. I would love to see him change, But I am not confidant he can or will. He is now in counselling. 3 different times at 3 different places each week. He still says he is doing it for me - he needs to do it for him... But I told him if there was any chance of a reconciliation, He must do a domestic violence program, he says it starts int he new year and he is going. He says he can see what he did to me and he is sorry... but i still feel like the game tactics are the same, guilt, honeymoon, anger.... the freakin cycle will not stop. Last night for example of an episode. I work 5am-5pm (3 shifts/week) last night after my 2nd shift, i went home, showered ( he called as I was getting in the shower) went out to go christmas shopping. I stopped in at his place on my way home from shopping - we talked for a few minutes. He asked me to call him when I got home. Knowing if I called the conversation would not be a quick one as he always wants me to make a decision... are you my girl, are we a couple again, i hate these questions.. So i sent him a text saying i was home safe. When I got up for work this morning.. there were 19 txt msgs and 37 missed calls over night - and that was just to my cell... i don't know how many times he called the house - I had the ringer off.... He thought I had gone out with someone, spent the night with someone else and lied to him. I went home, and went to sleep. I had to get up at 3am and I was tired. He wants me to spend the night at the house - no sex, just presence:rolleyes:. I am certain he has not changed as I feel like I am being chased. He txts me all day long, and when i do not respond his first reaction is that i am with someone else or up to something. then when I call him on this he says he is simply concerned with my safety and does not care where I am going to... YEAH RiGHT. He says I led him to believe I was cheating. The funny thing is I was not cheating, but I was asking people for help behind his back. I was going to people he didnt necessarily know to ask what I had done wrong - or what i needed to do to fix this.... he says I was going to other men for support... Well I was - I went to talk to some high school friends who had been in abusive relationships.. and yes some were men... some abused - some the abusers. He was NEVER like this before - He was strong and confidant. I was passive and weak. It had been the last year or so, I am so tired of drawing up a schedule. I am so tired of being tracked... :lmao:for my safety :lmao:ppppfffffft..... Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Based on his actions he appears to be obsessing. He wants you to call him and text him to know you are "safe"? Look at the actions not the words. People can and do change but not because they "say" they have changed but rather because their actions indicate they have changed. Is he normally a controlling person? Most men are but some have higher degrees of it. He needs to change for himself, not for you, in order for the changes to be real and lasting. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Hi CanadianGirl - What you describe worries me very much. Like 2.50 Gallon stated in his post, some men tend to view their wives as property....not good at all as this means that they don't respect you and who you are as a person. He sounds extremely insecure, most likely even before the split. Where you thought that he was the strong/confident one and you were the passive/weak one, a marriage shouldn't be that one-sided. It sounds like he is good at putting on a front as well, telling you he's changed but then obsessing over you all the time...not good. You need to be safe, not sure if he is the violent type but hopefully you are also letting family and friends know about this and where you are in case you need to protect yourself. Please be safe and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 When you left, did you tell him you were leaving because you want a divorce? By his actions, he still thinks it is his right to ask you personal questions. He has no right to have a key to your place! He has no right to know where you are 24/7. And he has no right to know if you are out with someone else. If you are separated, and you both know you are filing for a divorce, he has no right to know those questions. I'm really worried for you. He sounds extremely controlling. I fear what he will do once you tell him you want a divorce and you start to follow through with the papers. Do you have any close family or friends? Please make sure they know what is going on and let them know where you are at all times. If you make any plans to see your husband, please let them know when you are going and when you are expecting to leave and make them check up on you! For your own safety, you need to protect yourself from HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanadianGirl76 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 I wouldn't say he was controlling. But the dominant one for sure. Just lately he has gotten to the point like i said every minute and every dollar had to be reasonably accounted for. I keep telling him he has not changed but he insists he has - I know he hasn't. But this constant contact he is insisting on is making me crazy - yet if I try to distance myself further he goes insane. He is insisting I be at the house for Christmas and New Years. He says if there is no one else to be with on those days I should be there with him and the kids. Christmas and New Years he has the kids cause I am working. He can not seem to wrap his head around this whole being separated thing. He insists he will sell the house and move into my apartment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanadianGirl76 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 dgiirl I left because I was tired of being treated like S**T, I didnt want to be the girl that every one looks at and said well shes the sucker for going back -- I didnt know what was next.. first I dented the wall, then i went off the bed - I didnt know what to expect... Now he is saying that he knows what he did - he said he lost respect for himself, his kids and me..and he says that will never happen again. He says he knows what happened, he doesnt know WHY, but he said he will never let it happen again. I feel really torn. I feel like I owe an attempt after 11 years. But at the same time I am terrified of that look in his face coming back. I am terrified that every thing will just go back the way it was. I have a lease for 5 months and I have told him there is NO WAY i am ever moving back into the house - He is selling it..... I explained that i am not breaking this lease...and he says he understands, but he wants every second of my free time, I feel like he is just trying to be sure i am not with someone else.... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Not trying to defend him but chances are he sees affairs and walkaway wives happening to his friends and it scares the crap out of him. Once a man taks the blinders off and looks around him it is very hard for him to trust a woman. Is one of his friends going through a divorce where the woman had an affair and blamed everything on her husband? Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 It really does seem like he has a clinical OCD. The best evidence he could give you of change would be to stop constantly tracking you. WOW! You guys are awsome. I am gong to try to answer every question and hopefully shed some more light here. Ok - He did not drink when I met him 11 years ago. He started to drink socially about 5 years ago and it progressed to binging almost nightly - with or without friends around - He has since I left only drank a few times apparently and apparently not to get drunk I do love him. I try to be guarded and defensive, but he gets angry with me. Whenever I am not answering my phone, or he can't "find" me he gets mad and the accusations start again. I live on my own now, been out almost 3 months, He still wants me to account for every moment. He asked me for a key to my apt so he can see me whenever he wants to. He gets bitter when I wont have him over to my place. I don't want to give up my quiet place. I fear if he knows where I am and gets mad he may show up and cause a scene. I would love to see him change, But I am not confidant he can or will. He is now in counselling. 3 different times at 3 different places each week. He still says he is doing it for me - he needs to do it for him... But I told him if there was any chance of a reconciliation, He must do a domestic violence program, he says it starts int he new year and he is going. He says he can see what he did to me and he is sorry... but i still feel like the game tactics are the same, guilt, honeymoon, anger.... the freakin cycle will not stop. Last night for example of an episode. I work 5am-5pm (3 shifts/week) last night after my 2nd shift, i went home, showered ( he called as I was getting in the shower) went out to go christmas shopping. I stopped in at his place on my way home from shopping - we talked for a few minutes. He asked me to call him when I got home. Knowing if I called the conversation would not be a quick one as he always wants me to make a decision... are you my girl, are we a couple again, i hate these questions.. So i sent him a text saying i was home safe. When I got up for work this morning.. there were 19 txt msgs and 37 missed calls over night - and that was just to my cell... i don't know how many times he called the house - I had the ringer off.... He thought I had gone out with someone, spent the night with someone else and lied to him. I went home, and went to sleep. I had to get up at 3am and I was tired. He wants me to spend the night at the house - no sex, just presence:rolleyes:. I am certain he has not changed as I feel like I am being chased. He txts me all day long, and when i do not respond his first reaction is that i am with someone else or up to something. then when I call him on this he says he is simply concerned with my safety and does not care where I am going to... YEAH RiGHT. He says I led him to believe I was cheating. The funny thing is I was not cheating, but I was asking people for help behind his back. I was going to people he didnt necessarily know to ask what I had done wrong - or what i needed to do to fix this.... he says I was going to other men for support... Well I was - I went to talk to some high school friends who had been in abusive relationships.. and yes some were men... some abused - some the abusers. He was NEVER like this before - He was strong and confidant. I was passive and weak. It had been the last year or so, I am so tired of drawing up a schedule. I am so tired of being tracked... :lmao:for my safety :lmao:ppppfffffft..... Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Binging on alcohol nightly is alcoholism...that is likely what is part of this problem. Then his obsessing. I am another person who is starting to worry for your safety. He sounds like one of those guys who could seriously go off, and harm you and then himself. I would make sure I had very quick access to a friend, or someone to stay over with you, or where you could go at a moment's notice if this escalates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanadianGirl76 Posted December 26, 2009 Author Share Posted December 26, 2009 hello again to all offering their advise. an update.. and continuation - I feel so long winded.... we have been spending some time together lately. with Christmas and the kids. He has been crying alot. Asking me to be his girl. Asking me to let me show him he has changed and will never treat me like that again, yet he can not understand that I am cautious. He wants to spend the night with me. I have ZERO interest in Sex at this point - I dont even want to be touched. I slept at his (our) house on Christmas eve, i slept in my clothes, nothing happened. He said that the kids would be appreciative of me being there Christmas morning (they are 4 and 7). i came back and sat with him Christmas day and then Christmas night he came over to my apartment and we fell asleep sitting on the couch, i woke up and took him home. Then I guess when he got home he called up my voicemail figured out my password and started going through all my messages and when he got to one where someone called me HUN - He flew off the handle, saying I had sugar daddies, and there must be guys at my place... and when I BLEW UP he started back stepping again..... I'm sorry, i just want us, where are we, are you my girl..... He gets upset when I ask him not to touch me - he wants to rub my back and touch me. He wants me to kiss him but I can't. He wants sex but I flat out tell him - there are other feelings I need in order to make love to you.. and I am not feeling them now - I don't feel attractive, I don't feel sexy - I don't want to sink into a depression though..... I was standing in the shower the other morning wondering - Is it possible that he loves meenough to change, is it possible he does love me enough to NOT treat me like that again....is it at all possible that he does really love me enough?? It was NOT always like this, only the last year i'd guess, the other 10 years were seemingly fine... normal ups and downs.. But now he is crying all the time, saying he lost his best friend, saying I am his everything. He tells me I am beautiful and he is proud of me for what i have done since leaving, he says he wants no one but me. We used to be the couple everyone envyed, we had been together 9 years and still came off as the couple in their honeymoon phase, holding hands under the table, touching each other even if just our fingertips under the table, people used to comment on how cute we were... after 9 years.. we had a couple who had been together for nearly 20 years telling us they wish they had what we had... Where did it go??? I have spent time with both him and the kids all of us together. I don't get the vibe he would hurt us, or fly off the handle and hurt us. His kids are his world... i gave him the only babies he can ever have. He took my oldest daughter ( from a previous relationship) out last week to apologize to her, he hurt her too. Now she doesnt know what to think, She was bawling after wards... and said he had apologized to her and cried the whole time... His arguement is... when I met him he was a criminal, hiding fromt he police, trying to clean up but stuck in a rut .. i changed him from that to a family man in a matter of months, my daughter and I brought him into our world and he left the criminal life behind...so..... if he changed so quickly and dramatically last time, why can not anyone accept the fact that he has changed this time? He says he lost all respect for us, his family and his friends, since I left he has also pushed his friends away, he doesnt want to be around anyone if I am not in the picture. He says he turned into a foolish jealous person and that will not happen again, He says he let the anger come back and he just needed a slap in the face to see it.. and when I walked out he tecnically lost everything, because he was a jealous fool... and he says he sees that. I went to a therapist/counsellor who told me sometimes, lighting a fire under someones ass can provoke a change... He is doing counselling sessions, on his own accord. He goes to 3 different classes 3 times a week. one for anger, one for him and he wont tell me about the third one just that he set it up himself, he wants me to go with him, and I will get the certificate when he is done..... he told me he understands he only has only a half a chance to get me back - and he is not doing anything to risk that 1/2 chance... i have been trying... trying to see if I can feel for him without being scared. Is there a possibility that he truly loves me enough to change - or is this just a false hope for me - should I go to one of his sessions with him. My mom and dad were married for 20 years and they split when I was like 20. (over 10 years ago) I asked my mom last week, if she ever hoped that dad would say listen i am sorry - i love you - i will change - i want you back.... and she said yes.... am I asking/hoping/praying for too much??? What the hell is wrong with me... I have other men ( 4 or 5 of them) trying to entice me... calling me, asking me to dinner, telling me they can see i have been mistreated and want to show me the finer side of life... I don't think I want to give up on my marriage - But I don't want to ride on the UN-merry-go-round for the rest of my life. I think alot of our problems stemmed from money - he lost his job JUST after we bought out house. He and his brother have come up with a plan for us to stay in our home and keep it without breaking the bank every month.... I am so lost, so confused, and really hurt. Sorry for venting again... ANY advise is welcome Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 oh dear poor you. I think with the right help anybody can moderate behaivior Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 CanadianGirl...all very good questions and yes, you have to soul search because you don't want to throw it all away....but these are serious problems that he has. If he isn't willing to work on himself...you can't save him...not your job to. My ex is very OCD about many things...not to the point of being violent, but at the end of our marriage, he admitted that he wanted to become violent with me. You can't change him, he has to change himself...I'm sure you already know that though. Link to post Share on other sites
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