offer your wisdom I need it

[nobmagnet]

sorry that was breif! pressed the wrong key!

 

he needs to completely prove his change. I have been on the reciving end of violence and I can tell you for nothing they are manipulitive in the extream.

 

Why do most battered wives/husbands stay?? because they mess with your head and you get a faulse warped veiw of the relationship. It is not a relationship its hell and you get so very confused. They appologise and the releif you feel is not love its relif they have stopped.

 

I would be extreamly careful. Hold all the cards you can and be patient. Dont allow him to controll you. Chances are he will flip again when he feels he is having to work too hard. Please protect your self for as long as it takes. Only take him back if you are absolutly sure he has mended his ways. You are too important to put yourself at risk. Your children need you sooo much.

 

take very very very good care my sweet.

x

[CanadianGirl76]

I just spoke with him.. and told him how I felt - I read him part of my last big post.

 

Now he is saying IF i want to fix things, If I want to stop lying. I havent lied. He thinks because people are helping me I have sugar daddies and am sleeping around.

 

I now have 50 minutes to decide what is happening with us.

I am sitting here at work BAWLING.

I want us to work - I want us fixed, but I am not taking all this blame on myself.

 

he says I am playing a game. He says I am seeing if the grass is greener and if I can get more things elsewhere.

 

Now he is trying to talk me back to normal - The ladies here at work are looking for something I can take for an anxiety attack!

 

I feel so hopeless... this is not my fault - Why am I having to beg for forgiveness....

[trippi1432]

I just spoke with him.. and told him how I felt - I read him part of my last big post.

 

Now he is saying IF i want to fix things, If I want to stop lying. I havent lied. He thinks because people are helping me I have sugar daddies and am sleeping around.

 

I now have 50 minutes to decide what is happening with us.

I am sitting here at work BAWLING.

I want us to work - I want us fixed, but I am not taking all this blame on myself.

 

he says I am playing a game. He says I am seeing if the grass is greener and if I can get more things elsewhere.

 

Now he is trying to talk me back to normal - The ladies here at work are looking for something I can take for an anxiety attack!

 

I feel so hopeless... this is not my fault - Why am I having to beg for forgiveness....

 

He is definitely playing a game with you...you shouldn't be asking for forgiveness...been down that path myself....he is manipulating the situation. You need to tell him that you need to defer any decisions until you are not so upset.

[nobmagnet]

oh my god!!!!!!!!!!

 

please please he is dangerous rightnow..........metally for you. Go to one of you colleges homes with your kids. NOW. You are perfetly sane he is unhinged my love.

 

lay down. Take slow easy breaths get one of your colleges to hold you hand.

 

Panic attacks are awful. Please aviod contact with him at all costs

get a second person to protect you and your kids.

 

oh my deep breaths let sombody look after you please

 

xxxxxxxxxx

[nobmagnet]

I have never been more tempted to give my phone number out.

 

keep posting honey xx

[2.50 a gallon]

I don't understand the question. You are still letting him control you, he will Never change.

 

Do you want to be a real person, with a life of your own that you chose to share with somebody you love? Or do you want to be a puppet, that is afraid of what string he will pull next, and how violently.

 

Itwill only get worse, until you get physically hurt or worse. This is a very dangerous insecure boy in a man's body, you can not help him.

[CanadianGirl76]

Is it so wrong that I want to see him better. Is it wrong that I want our old life back. Before he started acting this way.

 

He is going to counselling. He has stopped drinking. I honestly want to believe he is trying.

 

Then I ask - Is there a reason he wouldn't try. Is there something wrong with me that he can't love me enough to change, or Does he love me enough to change?

 

Why can't I be optimistic and believe that there is enough there and there is enough between us for him to fix it and for him to change.

 

My counsellor said sometimes it takes an EVENT to change someone - IE - separation.

 

Is this not feasable?

[nobmagnet]

sure it is love.

 

 

sorry if you feel negativaty this end. we care and can only go on what you have said.

 

i can see you are confused. we do speak how we find on here. it is only because we care very much.

 

I can see what you say. i still would like you to be as careful as you can. maybe i was a little too full on. sorry. keep posting i will back off a little . xx

[CanadianGirl76]

NO No thats not what I am saying. I appreciate every letter of advice/concern EVERYTHING!

 

My head is spinning right now.

 

On one hand I want to see if he can change, I want to give him the benefit, I DID marry him for a reason, not just for fun. I DO love him, I would love to see him change, I would love to be his princess again...i would love to be back where I was before this all started....

 

ON THE OTHER HAND

 

I can see what you all are saying, and he IS still controlling me. I JUST don't know how to stop it.

 

Like, I work 5am -5pm, I have to be at work tomorrow morning - He is INSISTING we spend the night together - OVER night. I said no. He INSISTED. I explained I have to go to work at 5am, he said so drive me home on your way I'm spending the night.... I CAN SEE it but I don't know how to stop it - Even after I have moved into my own apartment I don't know how to stop it.

 

He keeps asking when he gets a key... and can't understand why I won't give him one...

 

I feel like every inch I give him he pulls a mile out of it.. and I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO STOP IT.

 

I am not strong. and whenever I stand up to him he pulls this WE ARE DONE, YOUR A SLUT, YOUR A LIAR.

 

 

I guess I am answering my own questions... but.. I guess thats the weak in me. I don't know how to stop the control. I don't want him to be angry at me. I hate when he is angry at me.

[nobmagnet]

honey nobody likes to be dis-respected. have you a strong mate to help you till you get some stength back? You freely admit he contols everything. its time to get stronger. you need it to be a great mum. Grow the Lioness in you. Protect your family. start there.........fight for your happiness as a family. you will manage alone because you have rights. I understand that US had odd laws all over the place but i would like to think you will be ok. where do you live roughly?

 

im here xx

[tojaz]

CG, Number one, he is not respecting your boundries and basicly trying to force himself back into your life. The key word there is FORCE. Some of that is the panic of losing you. I did a lot of things trying to reconnect when she dropped the bomb, and yes I pushed far too hard for some.But I never tried to force her to do anything or stood in her way when she left. I know where she lives and have dropped mail there, but out of respect for her decision, as much as I have wanted to at times, I have never knocked on her door, have not even dialed her number once it was done, once again even though I realy wanted to at times.

 

Number two, his actions are absolutely emotionaly abusive and controlling. While I do believe it is possible for people to change for the better, what has he shown you so far? Looks to me to be more of the same. Go to the counselling session with him if you want. It will probably help, but you need to take care of yourself and stop allowing yourself into the positions you find yourself in. Hes not going to change until he has to, your not giving him that .....yet!

TOJAZ

[nobmagnet]

nicely put as always x

[CanadianGirl76]

where do you live roughly?

 

im here xx

 

I am in South Western Ontario, Near to Detroit MI.

 

I really feel like I am bringing all this drama on myself. By not knowing how to stop it I am continuing to enable it.. and the merry go freakin round begins all over again.

 

I don't want my friends to see my allowing him back into parts of my world as weakness... I don't want to be judged that way.

 

OK PERFECT!!!!

 

Here is a word for word copy of his email he JUST sent me

 

 

I want to know what you want not everyone else baby.

I want you back,I know I have changed and so do you.

If you loved me you would see this.You would want me to be with you,hold you all night.

You have always been the sexiest thing in my eyes and you know this,Now you dont see this,You dont see that we both cried last time due to feelings.

A good feeling,Hell a great feeling.

You need to come to me with arms open if you want this,I am not looking for a hang out buddy, I want my wife my lover my best friend back.Your there but you have so much BS on your plate you have to explain.

IF YOU WANT ME COME.....IF YOUR NOT SURE! THAT MEANS YOU DONT!

I am here for you but I am not waiting for ever baby,I am not crying every day for the rest of my time here.

I know what I had to do and I am doing it,And have done it.

Now like always are you ready to be in a closed relationship again or do you like were you are now?

I want to be with you untill your holding my hand in a box,I never wanted to be away from you,But I wasnt and am not sharing you with other men anymore.

Love you lots baby....I have done my part now it is your turn.Let me know were we are because this has to stop.

[nobmagnet]

i would take good care. im sorry but he hasnt changed yet. mine did this to me years ago. deep breath in my oppinion. dont respond unless he has the kids. does he??

 

love neet

[CanadianGirl76]

yes he has the kids - With my work schedule he gets them on the weekends when he's not working

[tojaz]

 

I want to know what you want not everyone else baby.

I want you back,I know I have changed and so do you.

If you loved me you would see this.You would want me to be with you,hold you all night.

You have always been the sexiest thing in my eyes and you know this,Now you dont see this,You dont see that we both cried last time due to feelings.

A good feeling,Hell a great feeling.

You need to come to me with arms open if you want this,I am not looking for a hang out buddy, I want my wife my lover my best friend back.Your there but you have so much BS on your plate you have to explain.

IF YOU WANT ME COME.....IF YOUR NOT SURE! THAT MEANS YOU DONT!

I am here for you but I am not waiting for ever baby,I am not crying every day for the rest of my time here.

I know what I had to do and I am doing it,And have done it.

Now like always are you ready to be in a closed relationship again or do you like were you are now?

I want to be with you untill your holding my hand in a box,I never wanted to be away from you,But I wasnt and am not sharing you with other men anymore.

Love you lots baby....I have done my part now it is your turn.Let me know were we are because this has to stop.

 

Sounds to me that he is telling you what he wants and how it has to be for him. All the things the YOU need to do for HIM. No respect for his part or what he needs to do to make things better. People don't change over night, yet he claims he has. If he truly respected you, it would not be time limits or ultimatums, but what can i do to help. Untill he respects that and you, he hasn't changed a thing, it's all smoke and mirrors.

TOJAZ

[CanadianGirl76]

OK this is all likely just me being weak.

 

i hate it when he's mad at me. I try to keep the peace always, and that always meant bending over for lack of a better term and taking it.

 

I can SEE exactly what is happening and even though it is RIGHT IN MY FACE - I don't know how to react. I hate him being mad at me - but I hate being the one to buckle all the time.

 

I HATE the manipultion... Like today for example....

 

FIRST THING this morning was cold - to the point that I was bawling...

By noon - he had talked me back - baby this and baby that....

By 2pm He was pissed off again and making ultimatums, IM DONE txts to my cell... I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

 

NOW... its nearly 4:30 and I got a call - NO MORE BS baby, finish up at work, go to your dinner, shower and come jump on me.... I laughed and said after all the BS today, you want me to come and show you affection, and he's like I was just joking to see what you would say...

 

WHY CAN HE NOT UNDERSTAND I do not feel like SEX.

We tried about a week ago, and I burst into tears... I couldnt do it - I don't feel all the necessary emotions to have sex.. IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE!!!

 

Then he says he got angry this afternoon because I started questioning whether this was because of me, and he said it was never about me, how I looked, or anything like that - He says because I went to other people (MEN & WOMEN) to try and save us - before I left, i was unloyal.

[2.50 a gallon]

He is the one with the problem, so why is it your fault? That is a game controllers play, push the blame on you because you are not following his orders.

 

One of his control methods is to get your head spinning so you don't think for yourselft, that way he can think for you.

 

Here is the story line of the play he is writing.

 

He: I know I had a problem, I see my mistakes, I was abusive, I was too controlling, I have worked through it, I have seen the light and I have changed. "I have changed." Can't you hear me "I have changed."

 

Now that I have told you I have changed, I am telling you to see that I have changed and am telling you to come back to me. "But you have so much BS on your plate" (This is your fault, not mine I told you I have changed)

 

Ultimatum come back to me I told you I have changed.

 

Then he accuses you of cheating on him, "I am not sharing you with any other men any more"

 

Remember actions speak louder than words. I see no actions to show that he has changed.

 

Change, I leave you alone for awhile, I will not try to force myself on you, in that way I can begin to show you that I have changed. I take you out on dates, and I show you how I have changed. When you feel you are able to talk about our relationship, I will be there to listen to your point of view. I will listen to you as you will tell me what else I need to change. I will talk to my counselers about the changes you need to see, and they will give me guidance on this journey back to you I know it will take time, but I am willing to put in the effort. My change will be so dramatic, that you will see it for yourself and someday in the future I want you to run back into my arms because you want to, not because I told you to. I want you to come back of you own free will, and in that way I will be secure that you love me for me.

[tojaz]

Remember actions speak louder than words. I see no actions to show that he has changed.

 

Change, I leave you alone for awhile, I will not try to force myself on you, in that way I can begin to show you that I have changed. I take you out on dates, and I show you how I have changed. When you feel you are able to talk about our relationship, I will be there to listen to your point of view. I will listen to you as you will tell me what else I need to change. I will talk to my counselers about the changes you need to see, and they will give me guidance on this journey back to you I know it will take time, but I am willing to put in the effort. My change will be so dramatic, that you will see it for yourself and someday in the future I want you to run back into my arms because you want to, not because I told you to. I want you to come back of you own free will, and in that way I will be secure that you love me for me.

 

You listening CG76? Gallon had it dead to rights there. If he truly wants you back, he needs to be the man you need him to be not what he tells you you need.

TOJAZ

[CBIIS1]

My wife left me and I had one "baby come back" phone call with her at the beginning. Then I got GF, got nasty, got a lawyer, kept the kids (who want to stay with me) and just accepted what she did. She was having an affair. She's smearing my name all over town even turned my family against me. I don't care. The glass is half full. I wasn't perfect, no far from it, but I helped with housework, raising the kids, kept a good job and I was a good lay. I didn't drink, fool around , beat her up. I hope she finds the man she deserves. There are some real winners out there and she's been dreaming of one for some time, good luck its 5:1 women to men out here and she's nothing special(plain jane, grade 12 education). For now, she isn't doing so well but she still thinks it was the best thing to do. Her lawyer is going to get her some cash but not enough. I have the kids. Live and let live. Your ex needs to do the same. His begging crap is pathetic. I'd let you walk.

[CanadianGirl76]

I am listening.. and I have been reading and re-reading.... which in some strange way has plugged in a light bulb.

 

And having an incredibly dead day at work and the ability to talk to you all when I needed to was just what i needed. Saturday's seem to be his most aggressive day for some reason.. I am always crying at work on Saturday's.. My Co-Workers think I am having a nervous breakdown...

 

BUT

 

He pissed me off today. I watched the roller coaster 4 times TODAY alone, FYI He is now PISSED at me again, calling me names, throwing wild accusations about multiple men this evening.. i mean c'mon i have to work at 5am..then he sasid he was turning off his cell phone... I have gotten 6 messages from him since he turned it off.... But even after his last accusation I got a message saying.. If you want to fix this I'd hurry... but time is running out.... who's time.....

 

Now this is MY GAME.

[nobmagnet]

keep away from this seriously toxic man. HE HAS NOT CHANGED

 

You dont need him in your life. He makes you frightened and scared. You are much stronger than you think. Kick himinto touch dont allow himto control how you feel anymore. You are a woman/mother/daughter. Gain strength from all these roles you have and think about you. Tell him to stay away. Only contact you through a third party. Tell him he has not changed. He is still trying to manipulate you and you wont play anymore.

 

BOOT sister BOOT xx

[CanadianGirl76]

Last night He hit a wall with me. He flipped and showed me his true colours. He raged out and has left me so many messages to my cell - that NOT ONE HAVE I OPENED - I tink I am at 25 txt msgs, dunno how many calls to my phone or work. He has called work so much I have forwarded my calls. He called me names accused me of having MULTIPLE men at my house ready for me.. lol. He called me every name and if he didnt call me it he implied it.... if he loved me he would not call me these things. ... I told him this morning - HE DID THIS - NOT ME!

 

I even cut and pasted some of your responses and emailed them to him.... I sent him 2.50/gal's scenerio post. That should cause a blood vessel to pop...

 

I told him this morning that until he can respect me and treat me like a human being I have NOTHING to say to him. He is probably going nuts that he is not getting a respsponse from me.. but oh well... my day is nice and quiet.

 

Like I said - MY GAME NOW

[nobmagnet]

oh thank goodness love hugs to you.

 

He is a nutter.

 

keep your self and your children safe xx

[tojaz]

Last night He hit a wall with me. He flipped and showed me his true colours. He raged out and has left me so many messages to my cell - that NOT ONE HAVE I OPENED - I tink I am at 25 txt msgs, dunno how many calls to my phone or work. He has called work so much I have forwarded my calls. He called me names accused me of having MULTIPLE men at my house ready for me.. lol. He called me every name and if he didnt call me it he implied it.... if he loved me he would not call me these things. ... I told him this morning - HE DID THIS - NOT ME!

 

I even cut and pasted some of your responses and emailed them to him.... I sent him 2.50/gal's scenerio post. That should cause a blood vessel to pop...

 

I told him this morning that until he can respect me and treat me like a human being I have NOTHING to say to him. He is probably going nuts that he is not getting a respsponse from me.. but oh well... my day is nice and quiet.

 

Like I said - MY GAME NOW

 

Thats right CG, its your game now. Play it right and don't fuel the fire. Send him nothing tell him nothing. The times you do choose to respond, he needs to play by your rules. Should he become abusive like before. Conversation ends! Show him that speaking to you is a privelege that he needs to earn every day because after all this, thats exactly what it is. He needs to treat you with the respect you deserve and the only way he will do that is to have consequences for his actions. If he wants back, make him prove he can be the guy you need him to be.

Tojaz