Why doesn't she love me anymore

[Michael250178]

Hi,

 

Im not sure where to start as this has all happened out of the blue.

i have been with my Girlfriend for 9 years and we have 2 kids together age 8 and 3, we have never had any problems in our relationship but all of a sudden a few days ago she says she doesnt want to be with me anymore and she has felt like this the past couple of months.

 

This has come as a massive shock to me as i never saw it coming, nothing has changed from the beginning of this year to now.

 

I have asked her to lets work on saving this but she says she doesnt want to and she just want to be on her own.

 

I have spoke to my family about it and they cant understand why she doesnt want to work this out, she hust wants to throw away 9 years.

 

She says it not me its her and the way she is feeling, she says she feels absolutely nothing about anything.

 

I have asked her if there is anyone else involved and she has said no and i believe her.

 

She left last night to stay at a friends and said she would pick the kids up in the morning, however she phoned later and said how bad she felt doing this so near xmas and has said she would stay until after xmas, i agreed but now i am not so sure as i am struggling really bad as i love her so much and i cant imagine living without her.

 

She feels bad for hurting me but says she had to be honest and i guess i respect that.

 

Why didnt she say anything a couple of months ago when she started feeling this way?

I just cant accept the fact that she just wants to walk away and doesnt want to save a 9yrs relationship.

 

I hope someone can advise on how to cope with this.

 

Is there a chance she will love me again after some time apart?

 

I look for to your response.

[Fitness Dude]

Your situation sounds so similar to my own, as so many others do too.

 

Do yourself a favor, and check the cell phone / land line bill for anything that looks unusual. When there is an "ubrupt change" in how someone feels, it just seems universal that there is someone that has gotten into the mix in one way or another.

 

Trust me, it's difficult to look at if you do find something, but it will hopefull give you some concrete evidence for your suspicions.

[mark982]

i smell another man here. you can't be sure till you some serious digging. just be quiet about it.

[Michael250178]

Your situation sounds so similar to my own, as so many others do too.

 

Do yourself a favor, and check the cell phone / land line bill for anything that looks unusual. When there is an "ubrupt change" in how someone feels, it just seems universal that there is someone that has gotten into the mix in one way or another.

 

Trust me, it's difficult to look at if you do find something, but it will hopefull give you some concrete evidence for your suspicions.

 

 

I see where your coming from but the problem is the majority of her friends are male. And she usually deletes all her msgs anyway as there was a time i started getting jealous of her having male friends.

 

I think the only way i believe her is because she never goes out. She'll go out about once a month with workmates and the rest of the time is with me. I was probably more querying if she had fell for someon else rather than her actually cheating on me.

 

thanks for the comments.

[hopesndreams]

Is she working outside the home? Since she doesn't go out all that often, if she is cheating it would be with someone from work. Explore that first. It's just so easy and common these days to cheat in the workplace, or rather, meatplace.

 

In order to save your M you need to find out what or rather who the enemy is. Get your head out of the sand. Cheaters lie. Big time.

 

Why didn't she tell you months ago things weren't right? Because she was getting "busy" with someone else and it would take time away from a new, blossoming, butterflies in the stomach type relationship.

 

Keep posting and we can help you with the transitions you will be facing.

[Michael250178]

Yes she does work outside the home and all her male friend are from work. She said she didn't tell me at the start as she didn't want to hurt me and she thought it migh go away.

 

I thought she might be suffering from depression so i advised her to go and see a doctor first rather than throw it all away but she didn't seem interested, everytime i mentioned it she just stayed silent.

 

Could she be depressed?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm not sure why people think that their spouse is going to be truthful when asked about an affair. They rarely, if ever are. Your wife is not depressed. She is not out of her mind. She is seeing someone else, and when your spouse does that and you aren't aware of it - you spouse looks to have had their brain kidnapped by some alien force. It won't make sense until you have the truth.

 

Please do not discount the possibility of another man. Women don't just walk away from their marriage for the privilege of demoting themselves down to a part time parent, losing their home, halving their income, and being single mothers competing with women half their age with none of their baggage. They walk away from their marriage because there is someone waiting for them to do so, someone providing what they think will allow them to seamlessly go from one life to another, without losing a single thing.

 

Why didnt she say anything a couple of months ago when she started feeling this way?

 

Because her focus wasn't on fixing your marriage. Her focus was on making sure that she had a secure place to land when she bounced out of your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you with this, but the chances of someone walking away from a life in exchange for half of one just for the hell of it are damned near zero. People walk because they found another half they think they like better to replace your half. Occam's Razor. Plain and simple.

 

If on the very unlikely chance that she is seriously depressed and is so mentally ill that she would abandon her family and basically walk away from her children, then she would be far too ill to work or function or hang out with friends or any of that stuff. If the only thing she is walking away from is your marriage, then you can bet she isn't depressed. Just having an affair. So, so, so, so typical.

 

Just be careful. Keep your eyes open.

[Fitness Dude]

Wow - Lucrezia Borgia that is some succinctly worded and powerful post! I'm a newby to this forum, but after reading that post, I'll be paying attention to your other posts as well. Well stated.

 

You even used Occam's razor! ( I thought I was the only one who used that phrase)

 

Michael - do yourself a favor, log onto your cell phone bill online and see the history there! Hey, even download it and then you'll be able to sort it by date, time of day, phone number, etc. Something tells me, you may find something there.

 

Trust me - the cell phone tells everything today and that billing history speaks VOLUMES. Since my discovery I've talked to so many people who find out this way. I've even heard to spouses who have other cell phones that they use specifically to communicating with the OM/OW without detection.

[LisaUk]

I'm not sure why people think that their spouse is going to be truthful when asked about an affair. They rarely, if ever are. Your wife is not depressed. She is not out of her mind. She is seeing someone else, and when your spouse does that and you aren't aware of it - you spouse looks to have had their brain kidnapped by some alien force. It won't make sense until you have the truth.

 

Please do not discount the possibility of another man. Women don't just walk away from their marriage for the privilege of demoting themselves down to a part time parent, losing their home, halving their income, and being single mothers competing with women half their age with none of their baggage. They walk away from their marriage because there is someone waiting for them to do so, someone providing what they think will allow them to seamlessly go from one life to another, without losing a single thing.

 

 

 

Because her focus wasn't on fixing your marriage. Her focus was on making sure that she had a secure place to land when she bounced out of your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you with this, but the chances of someone walking away from a life in exchange for half of one just for the hell of it are damned near zero. People walk because they found another half they think they like better to replace your half. Occam's Razor. Plain and simple.

 

If on the very unlikely chance that she is seriously depressed and is so mentally ill that she would abandon her family and basically walk away from her children, then she would be far too ill to work or function or hang out with friends or any of that stuff. If the only thing she is walking away from is your marriage, then you can bet she isn't depressed. Just having an affair. So, so, so, so typical.

 

Just be careful. Keep your eyes open.

 

Sorry to thread jack, but you got me wondering now! I kind of was anyway recently, but more so now I have read your post, he did seem to be talking about a women at work an awful lot towards the end there? Hmmmm

 

Micheal, my ex left me with no warning after 18 years together. When I asked that he come home and we try to work it out with MC, he told me he couldn't be bothered, too much effort and he hadn't love me in years. This was a few weeks after we set the date to marry in church, after he dragged me round 4 different wedding venues (I would have been getting married next Friday). Talk about blindsided. Your situation is very similar to those of us on here, firstly I would advise you to dig, I smell an OM also. I know you don't want to think that, but sudden departures usually turn out that way, not always, but mostly. Mine was a sudden departure too, not sure about an affair, I personally think he was/is CP, but possibly, begining to wonder a bit again now.

 

Keep posting, we will egt you through this, right now it feels like it's hard to breathe, feels like you have been hit by a bus, try to keep eating and sleeping, and dig dig dig.

[Michael250178]

Hi Guys.

 

Just an update on the situation.

 

She is adamant that there is no other person involved in this break-up and i still beleive. She has even gone as far as to swear on our childrens lives which makes me beleive her more.

 

She has said that the relationship has run its course and she is not interested in being with anyone she just wants time on her own.

 

She left this morning with the kids to stay with her mum, everything was done amicably. There were no arguments or raised voices on either part. She has left me the house and she want to remain best friends, i can see the kids anytime i want also.

 

Yesterday i was an absolute mess, wanting the world to just swallow me up. But today am feeling a bit better as i am starting to come to terms with it.

 

Maybe she will start to miss me and want to come back but i really cant see it and if she did i dont think it would ever be the same again.

 

Every time i wake up i think its a dream, i guess its time to make it a reality.

 

I cant imagine my future without her, i just hope it gets easier.

 

Thank you all for your comments and advise, it means a lot that there are ppl out there that are willing to help me through this.

 

Thanks again

 

Michael.

[GoodDad]

You are in the beginning stages of a very rough journey my friend. I agree with most everyone else here, there is usually someone else, even if its just the "possibility" of something else out there, or an EA.

 

But maybe not, who knows. Either way, as the one being left, you are in SHOCK, you have been blindsided, even if there have been signs or ups and downs lately in your relationship.

 

For her, she has been preparing mentally for a while for this, so don't be surprised you are in different places.

 

Try to stay strong for your kids although I know it seems hard right now and remember you aren't alone.

 

Take care,

 

GD

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies.

 

I will mention a couple of things....

 

You've been together for nine years and have two children together. Check with your jurisdiction regarding any common-law statutes which may apply to your circumstances. I assume you remain in the children's historical home. That's good.

 

You relate that everything is amicable. Good to hear. Be aware that, as of yet, there are few actions to support the words. When your GF takes actions which support her words, then react appropriately. Until then, work on educating yourself and seeking support. The clear imperative is to not become the 'fallback' guy when whatever she is currently doing is finished. Regardless of the impetus, she left and took your children. That's a clear action. There is no get out of jail free card with that action. It has consequences. Educate yourself and make sure she experiences them.

[daddypop1]

Michael - My wife has said these exact same things and then some. Do you really think that if there was someone else she would tell you? My daughter knows that my wife is seeing someone and my daughter has given me evidence. My wife still wont admit it. People on here say that most of the time when your spouse leaves, its about someone else. I would say that it is true 99.999% of the time.

 

It has been 2 months since my wife has left. Im here to tell you it gets alot easier and Im sure she is going to miss you at some point. On Saturday, the day after our temporary hearing, she said " Maybe we should get remarried. Do you want to move in?" Im sure she was being a smart ass. Point is, I know my ex is starting to rethink herself and sees that Im moving on. She knows she ****ed up. Im sure most people that leave feel this way eventually. But as long as there is another person in the picture, its pointless. You need to get on with yourself regardless.

[seibert253]

My wife put her hand on God's Word and swore she was not having an A. Guess what, she was.

[RedDevil66]

My ex off 11 yrs came home and told me the same thing. He didn't love me and it was over. He swore there was no one else and I believed him. He swore on all that was holy. Well he was cheating on me and had been for a yr and left me for her.

 

Your GF is seeing someone else, sorry to say.

[Steadfast]

First of all friend, I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. But understand that you are NOT alone. Many others have been through it and survived. You will too. When I read your words I remember my time in 'that place.'

 

Remember the widsom of Winston Churchill:

 

"When going through hell, keep going!"

 

I'm going to write some of the things that helped me when I was there. Start slow; just one thing at a time. Listen to the voice of experience.

 

1) Hard as it might be, leave her alone. She is seeing another man. She may or may not be in love. Believe it or not, it may be worse if she isn't. My ex (another 'good girl') fell into lust and didn't 'fall in love' until her second or third affair. She is clouded in affair fog. Leave her be.

 

2) Find a friend, a dear friend and tell him/her you need someone to help you through this. Warn them upfront that it will be straining and exhausting; that you might test their resolve with repetition. Once they are in, lean on them until you're strong again. Resolve that you will be there someday, for someone else. That's how it works. This is critical.

 

3) Condition yourself to not think of her during the day. I know it sounds impossible, but you must try. What we think about all day we dream about at night, and this will poison your sleep. Also, it'll help clear up your mind for the times you must think about it; legal or otherwise.

 

4) Vow to control your words and actions. In fact, put the words to bed. Show her you love her when you see her, don't say it. Don't do good...be good. When in doubt, do what is best for the kids. This is the correct path. Let her go. She'll come back if she loves you. If she doesn't, then you'll know. Someday, you appreciate this information.

 

5) Be kind to yourself. Don't feel bad about feeling bad; if you didn't, you wouldn't be normal. You are reacting like any sane, loving person would.

 

6) Find one thing to eat and eat it. For me, it was omelets. I can make a killer omelet now! Avoid anything that makes you feel worse; music, tv, familiar streets, etc. Make new patterns, a new schedule. Make it yours.

 

Finally, remember this for comfort when feeling lonely, worthless or rejected: You attracted her, you can attract someone else. I was told this early on and I didn't believe it, but it was certainly true. There are wonderful women out there, hoping and praying to someday meet a good, honest and faithful man. You just may be the answer to someone's prayer!

 

Rest easy. Post often-

Edited December 16, 2009 by Steadfast