The Anatomy of the Failure of Love

[Boundary Problem]

So for those of us who have been emotionally abused, people say

"Well why didn't you walk away?"

 

The answer for me, and I can only speak for myself, is

"I'm strong and it didn't really bother me too much at the time"

 

They ask "didn't bother you?"

 

I say "No."

 

But what did happen, was that each time an emotionally abusive comment was made, a small piece of my love for them died.

 

One small piece at a time.

 

Like a love bank. Each abusive comment was a withdrawl from the love bank.

 

Flowers, "I'm sorry", chocolates are not credits for these withdrawals. These are permanent withdrawals.

 

Until one day, there is no love left.

 

And finally we walk away, feeling nothing.

 

So that is the anatomy of the failure of love. It doesn't cause us "permanent damage". It doesn't reflect poorly on us. It just means we were unable to sustain a healthy relationship with someone who felt the need to belittle and hurt us. I don't feel hurt, because I know my own value. I just feel sad.

[HOTGIMMICK]

you are one of the few that understands love and its mechanics. my hat off to you and glad you had it together unlike most men in the world.

[sugarmomma]

That is why it is so important to have boundaries and know how to enforce them if crossed. I just ended a r with a man who would get upset if I didn't call him within an hour but he could go all night or hours on end until he returned my calls. Just trying to chip away at my self esteem. well, after 3 months I got fed up and said "i'm tired of your immaturity and poor communication skills and I'm done". I feel so much better. I hope to not spend as much time on the next person once I see that they have a tendency to be hurtful and sadistic. I can identify them so well because I used to be abusive too.I've done a lot of work of learning to be healthy and build healthy r with others. Setting boundaries has been the most enlightening but enforcing them brings me so much satisfaction. I miss him but I don't regret ending things with him. He would have destroyed me if I was easily manipulated. Thank God I'm not.

[blissfullynumb]

very well put. I love it.

[Ashkayi]

Thats exactly how I feel. I have learned to handle to abuse more and more, because its taking one small piece of love that I have for him away each time. No more tears, no more pain, just the feeling of falling out of love. I dont look at him the same, i dont touch him the same, i dont crave him the same, and although its making him worse, because he refuses to acknowledge the fact that a lot of this is his fault, i dont fight with him anymore, i dont try to make him understand.. I only remember that what is most important is my children, and myself. Hes the one who is far more miserable than i because hes the one who cant get away from how he is. You couldnt have said it any better *claps hands* thank you.