Teetering on the edge of insanity.

[Aksion]

The last few days I've either been completely drunk or so doped outta my mind that I don't even know whats going on around me. I'm sober for now, and need to vent.

 

Theres something that I just don't like, and its not the fact that I keep telling everyone, including myself that I'm ok when I know that I'm just lying. What I don't like is something else however.

 

I miss her. Well, who she was -- and what we were.

 

I can't bring myself to do certain things, watch certain movies/tv programs. I can't play certain games, or go to certain places. I can't listen to certain music, and at times, I can't even say certain things.

 

I don't want to come home to this place every night, because it was our place. I've cleaned it out. Removed every trace I could of her, but it hasn't helped.

 

I haven't slept in the bedroom since the day she left -- I can't bring myself to. My couch has been my bed, my living room is home. I go as far as the bathroom and thats it.

 

She left her cat behind like I have said before. I'm not an animal person, but the cat has grown fond of me, so I keep it around. It does remind me of her, but I'd feel bad removing it from the only home/owner it has ever known. Still -- it reminds me of her.

 

Some say its the alcohol that causes the depression and these thoughts -- could be, but I have them when I'm not drinking so I doubt it.

 

The thoughts of her from the times past eat away at me still. Not just the good times, but everything. Even the fights. I remember everything, and it kills me. Its like someone has a hold of my heart and is squeezing so tight -- all the while they just keep whispering events of our past into my ear, knowing there is nothing I can do.

 

I miss her. I gave her a great life -- one that she never had before. Even though I have my faults, and at times ignored her, I never once lost my love for her. Never once thought of leaving, or being unfaithful. She was all I wanted, and the only reason I worked so hard, and did everything I could to make her happy.

 

I put myself, my health, everything that was me -- on the backburner for her for almost six years. I've many health issues, and have had them for many years, but always managed to take care of her first. Even if it was just something cosmetic, something she didn't really need, it came first. She always came first in my mind, thats just how it was, she deserved to be better, to have the life she always wanted, and I always wanted to give to her, for us.

 

Now -- I'm broke, I'm not in poor health per se, but I still have many health problems, and no means to take care of them.

 

So I resort to pills and alcohol to block things out. I don't enjoy either, and I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore because of it. I'm not in control anymore. At least, I don't feel like I am. I've let what she's done destroy the person I once was, and I don't know if I'm capable of ever getting back there.

 

I miss her. Not the person she has 'become', but the woman that I gave up everything for.

 

I ask all the right questions -- but get all the wrong answers.

 

I don't miss the 'relationship' aspect -- I can attain that.

 

I think about her -- and hate doing so.

 

I dream of her -- so I don't sleep.

 

I hate her -- but don't wish my hell upon her.

 

I miss her -- and I don't want to anymore.

[sugarmomma]

Its virtually impossible to love someone else without loving yourself first. You made her the center of everything and she realized that she needed someone that could care for themselves. You have to deal with your feelings one way or the other so you might as well stop the drinking and pill popping. Reality is that this is happening to you and you have to deal with all the pain and go through it. You will come out a better man on the other side. Take my word for it.

 

The only way out is through.

[soheartbroken]

I don't know if it would help you to know that you're not alone, but I will share with you anyway.

 

First of all, there was a period around 3 months after my breakup that I actually worried about my mental sanity.

 

The last few days I've either been completely drunk or so doped outta my mind that I don't even know whats going on around me. I'm sober for now, and need to vent. Glad you are venting.

 

Theres something that I just don't like, and its not the fact that I keep telling everyone, including myself that I'm ok when I know that I'm just lying. What I don't like is something else however.

 

I miss her. Well, who she was -- and what we were. I miss her too. Who she was and what we were.

 

I can't bring myself to do certain things, watch certain movies/tv programs. I can't play certain games, or go to certain places. I can't listen to certain music, and at times, I can't even say certain things.

 

I gave up watching tv except hockey on Saturday nights. I gave up playing certain games, and I left the city that I lived in for 7 years to get away from her and from it all. I haven't actively listened to music in 5 months (of course, I have to hear it sometimes).

 

I don't want to come home to this place every night, because it was our place. I've cleaned it out. Removed every trace I could of her, but it hasn't helped. You can't remove the walls and the paint, can you!? Every screw in our apartment reminded me of her. I had to leave.

 

I haven't slept in the bedroom since the day she left -- I can't bring myself to. My couch has been my bed, my living room is home. I go as far as the bathroom and thats it.

 

I have been sleeping on a couch since the breakup - this is something that I hear often on these forums. From day one of the breakup I never again slept in our room or on our bed. All of "our" furniture is in storage. Thousands of dollars of belongings that we accumulated together collecting dust.

 

She left her cat behind like I have said before. I'm not an animal person, but the cat has grown fond of me, so I keep it around. It does remind me of her, but I'd feel bad removing it from the only home/owner it has ever known. Still -- it reminds me of her.

My cat reminds me of her too. The cat makes me both sad and happy.

 

Some say its the alcohol that causes the depression and these thoughts -- could be, but I have them when I'm not drinking so I doubt it.

 

It's not the alcohol, though it can make it worse. It's grief. It's your loss that is causing the depression. You have lost a tremendous amount.

 

The thoughts of her from the times past eat away at me still. Not just the good times, but everything. Even the fights. I remember everything, and it kills me. Its like someone has a hold of my heart and is squeezing so tight -- all the while they just keep whispering events of our past into my ear, knowing there is nothing I can do.

Ditto for like everyone on these forums (those that have not come out on the other side yet that is.)

 

I miss her. I gave her a great life -- one that she never had before. Even though I have my faults, and at times ignored her, I never once lost my love for her. Never once thought of leaving, or being unfaithful. She was all I wanted, and the only reason I worked so hard, and did everything I could to make her happy.

 

I put myself, my health, everything that was me -- on the backburner for her for almost six years. I've many health issues, and have had them for many years, but always managed to take care of her first. Even if it was just something cosmetic, something she didn't really need, it came first. She always came first in my mind, thats just how it was, she deserved to be better, to have the life she always wanted, and I always wanted to give to her, for us.

 

Now -- I'm broke, I'm not in poor health per se, but I still have many health problems, and no means to take care of them.

 

So I resort to pills and alcohol to block things out. I don't enjoy either, and I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore because of it. I'm not in control anymore. At least, I don't feel like I am. I've let what she's done destroy the person I once was, and I don't know if I'm capable of ever getting back there.

 

I miss her. Not the person she has 'become', but the woman that I gave up everything for.

 

I ask all the right questions -- but get all the wrong answers.

 

I don't miss the 'relationship' aspect -- I can attain that. Ditto.

 

I think about her -- and hate doing so. Yup.

 

I dream of her -- so I don't sleep.

 

I hate her -- but don't wish my hell upon her. Yup.

 

I miss her -- and I don't want to anymore. ditto.

 

Like I said, I'm not sure if it helps to know that others have gone through/are going through all this too. I thought it might. People go through this and survive. I hope that others can remind us that there is hope.

[Gunny376]

OK! Get yourself a cup of coffee and settle in. This may turn into a long one for the OP.

 

Frist off ~ drinking, pills, pot, whatever? It changes nothing, un-does nothing, prevents nothing, ~ in short it does nothing.

 

There all like putting duck tape over a really bad open wound. The wound eventually scabs over? But when you eventually pull that duck tape off? Hell its ten times worse pain than the initial wound. (BTW I use to require each of my Marines to carry a roll of Duck Tape and some WD40 in their backpacks ~ a million and one uses and better than a pressure bandage anyday. A pressure bandage + Duck Tape? )

 

Your still ripe from it all. You still sitting around and digging up bones of a love affair that long since gone.

 

Back in tha' day? When it all went down? I was left in a high rise empty apartment in Okinawa Japan with orders to ship out to the First Gulf War. listening to George Jones, Vince Gill, drinking a Jack Daniels Elvis decanter out of an Fred Flintstone Jelly glass.

 

This was all before the internet and such sights as Love Shack.

 

In otherwords? I up s*** creek without a paddle. No family, no friends, no nothing!

 

I can honestly say? Your own worse enemy in all of this?

 

Is yourself. You can get in, sit down, sit back, buckle in, grab a hold, and ride this "bitch" to the bitter end.

 

How bad of a ride you have, how scary it gets, how hard it is? Its all up to you.

 

You can get off anytime you decide to do so.

 

Its that's easy and its that's simple!

 

Now mind you. I came to be where I am without the beneifit of the internet and such places as Love Shack.

 

I had to work this out in my own mind.

 

And through my own experience.

 

And a lot of what I've gone through has been very much a " roller coaster, white knuckling ~ death grip experience"

 

My seperation/ divroce went down durning the First Gulf War. I remember the "Wall of Shame" billboards of "Dear John" letters and photos.

 

Akison what you've got to do is re-invent yourself!

 

Re-define yourself!

 

You've got to come up with Akison v.2

 

(I Hope your listening SHB and Lisa UK?)

 

You've got to re-invent yourself

[Tom81]

I hear you Aksion...I'm going through the same thing with my wife who left me several months ago. The things in the house remind you of her, things you do, movies you watch, music you listen to...a lot of things remember you of the great marriage that you thought you had. I like you love my wife and would never have given up on her or left and quit.

 

You can't control her actions or what she does. Right now you have to think of yourself and make yourself better for you. It's not easy that's for sure. And with the holidays coming up it's not going to get any easier...I know it's not for me right now.

 

Stick in there and keep on posting...I know for me it always helps to keep talking about it and vent.

[Aksion]

This is the first time I've ever really came here for actual advice. I spent th last two days drinking heavily, even during work. I ended up at a friends house who was drinking with me, I'm not sure how, but I know we drove there, I hit a curb and he took the wheel after my tire was blown. Regardless, get to his house, and apparently it's time to do some blow. Great, all my drinking lead me into doing blow. So, that's done, I'm high as can be, but feel horrible because I was supposed to meet my father and sister for the football game at my place. I try to tell them I'd be there, they don't wanna hear it and I decide it's a good idea to drive home with the blown tire and after doing all I did. I made it home somehow, passed out, and here I am.

 

I'm scared outta my ****in' mind. I've never done anything like this. I've never been one to let my family or myself down. All I think about is how she left me, and it drives me into doing things I'd never do. I want to tell her something...I feel like unless I have closure with her I'm not going to stop and any control I have left of myself I'm going to completely lose.

 

I don't know where to go. I've shut my family out. My "friends" just drag me deeper into the hole I'm in and the ones that aren't doing so I've shunned them. I'm seriously very scared. I'm asking for help...something I don't think I've ever asked for before.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey there, I am here. I can try & help.....I am where you are but have not risked my life there yet. Are you still online?

[Gunny376]

People come and people go in our lives, but there's no one monkey that makes a show.

 

Over the course of our lives most people have as many as five careers, and even more different jobs.

 

The same can be true for relationships and marriages.

 

It use to be that people would get married and stay married for forty or more years ~ or at least the length of their lifetimes.

 

The same was said about any given career ~ job.

 

The difference from then today? Technology. Seventy to one hundred years ago finding a life mate was much more difficult than it is today. Today we have cars, cell phones, the Internet. on-line matchmaking, e-mail.

 

Back in the day it was a big deal to go to the county seat once a month, and then once a week. To go to the state capitol was a once in a lifetime event ~ such as the State Fair.

 

You're caught up the downward spiral of separation / divorce, and if you don't by sheer willpower get a grip your going to spiral down even further.

 

You think things are at there worse, but they're not. Driving while under the influence will eventually land you in jail. Doing illegal drugs will land you in jail. You stand to not only harm your health, you stand to lose what you have left ~ your house ~ your home ~ your family ~ your job ~ your career.

 

I'm here to tell you there's not a single woman on the planet worth losing all that ~ and potentially your life ~ over.

 

There's no shortage of women on the planet ~ the World is covered up with only about 3.5 billion of them.

 

Anything she had to offer you? You can find just as good as if not better in another. Anything she provided you with ~ you can find just as much of if not more.

 

What one refused? Another can certainly use!

 

It obvious that you need to seek out professional help, and that's alright. The ugly untold truth is that there's probably not a person up and walking around the planet that would not benefit from such. Don't be afraid to seek it out ~ and yesterday wasn't soon enough.

 

When people suffer as you do, your pointing a finger at her leaving as the root cause.

 

But when doing so? You need to look at the three fingers you've got pointing back at yourself.

 

You've got self esteem issues ~ that is to say in your mind you doubt that you'll ever be able to find what you had with her. And that's pretty much 'stinkin' thinkin' because your being tested right now. Her leaving doesn't make you less of a person ~ it MAKES you a stronger person.

 

Your steel is being tempered right now ~ and that's not to say the process isn't painful because it is. It forces us to re-think all that we thought we knew about ourselves as individuals, as a person, as a human being and about our world.

 

Marriage or being in a LTR with another is very much about completing our childhood. Its about coming to terms with the real world that we live in.

 

It makes us come to terms between the way things are suppose to be ~ and they way that they really are.

 

We as human beings are conditioned to be social creatures from birth. We''re taught and conditioned from birth to be connected to others through a social fabric of friends, family, spouses and lovers.

 

That is the way things are and are suppose to be.

 

But the truth of the matter is that we're also independent and self autonomous beings. But most of us leave our families and jump from one relationship to another never taking the time to discover, explore and embrace that independence and self autonomy.

 

All the more damaging is that we invest so much of ourselves in others that we lose ourselves in the other person and the relationship. And we're devastated when they up and walk out on us.

 

All the more is we sit around "would've, could've, should've" ourseleves to death. Beating ourselves up, when the truth of the matter is that you did the best you could, gave the you had to give at the time.

 

There's a certain amount of institutionalization that has taken place is going on.

 

Its not that you've 44DD's, nor that your Daddy is the richest man in town and owns a chain of liquor stores for miles around? Its that I'm use to having you around.

 

From your post, I would venture to say you've a very addictive personality and one of your strongest addictions is her.

 

Being the Holiday Season doesn't make things any easier.

 

Keep posting, stay away from the drugs, get in and hold on.

[Aksion]

I'm actually laying on my parents front porch in the snow right now because I'm too scared to wake them. I walked over here and can't face them. I know I need help, but I keep stopping myself from allowing people to give it to me.

[JaneDoe35]

Please just knock and say to them 'Mum, Dad, I need help, I can't do this anymore'. You will feel some relief...I promise. And they really want to help you - that's what parents do.

[JaneDoe35]

Please, please, please, please knock on that door. You should be more scared of NOT asking for help.....

[Aksion]

I don't think I can do this to them. I hide what I am from them to keep them from worrying. I don't want my family knowing this, but I really can't do this alone anymore. I've tried. I really have tried hard to do this by myself, but it's turned me into a self destructive careless person.

[JaneDoe35]

No, no, no - you are doing the wrong thing by NOT speaking to them. I am 35 years old and for the first time ever since leaving home I really NEED my mum & dad. At first that was very difficult for me to admit as I am very independent usually.

 

Sometimes you just can't survive on your own one minute longer and that is when you know you need the only people who really love you UNCONDITIONALLY. Your family.

 

I know this will be hard for you initially but just ask them for help. They would be devastated if something happens to you and they found out you were on their doorstep one night but did not knock.......

[Boundary Problem]

We all need to ask for help at some point. It is hard. But it gets easier each time.

 

And trust me - everyone knows there is a problem. We are always the last to realize that everyone suspected a problem. We think we hide things well, but we don't.

 

Just ask for help. It won't be as scary as you think. And it feels so good getting help, because the help starts making us better.

[trippi1432]

Akison - Please check in and let us know that you are alright. LS is great for support, but you really need to have support of your friends and family too. You need a real support group around you besides the group you have here.

 

Knock on the door and talk to your parents...let them know what you are going through. My parents and friends have been really supportive of me and that has helped a lot. You can't keep going through this physically alone, reach out to the people who love and care for you.

[Aksion]

So it took me 3 hours of sitting on their porch in the snow before I got the courage to knock on the door.

 

I broke down and told them everything. My alcoholism, my addiction to painkillers, the fact that I couldn't find the pills I felt I needed so I resorted to coke. Driving drunk everywhere, wrecking my car, everything.

 

They want me to break the lease on my place and move back home until I can get on my feet again. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I doing horrible on money, and it'd be nice to be around family, people that won't allow me to do these things to myself. I hate going home to my lonely house, but it is MY place. I don't know what I'd do with my cat, as she couldn't come with me, but I don't want to get rid of her. I know these people can help me, and I'm really in desperate need of help, but to give up all I've worked for to go back to a home I haven't lived in since I was 15 doesn't really appeal to me.

[tojaz]

You do what you need to do man. You know how your living isn't healthy. You need to get well friend and if that means taking some time to get back on your feet, then you have to do that for yourself. Your not giving up on anything. Your getting healthy so you can get back on the horse.

TOJAZ

[nobmagnet]

i recon it will be the best thing for you. It wont be forever just until you are better. let them love and take care of you. You have fantastic family who really want to help you. LET THEM.

 

Just think....when this sorry mess is over a better you will find all the excitement of starting a fresh. New home, new life and much healthier being and healthier mind set.

 

I am soooo pleased you confesssed you are now on the road to recovery.

 

big big hugs x

[soheartbroken]

Great start Aksion.

[Aksion]

I stayed with them all day yesterday and slept there last night. I don't think it will help honestly.

 

Aside from that, I spoke with my landlord as soon as I got up this morning -- if I break the lease I'm still responsible for the rest of the lease term, so I may as well stay here.

 

My best friend needs a roommate however, though I didn't ask my landlord about the possibility of just 'upgrading' so to speak to a bigger place, I think it may be a good idea. I'm financially almost broke and it wouldn't be a quiet home to come to every evening.

 

As for my addictions, I've found a local meeting spot for AA, figure I'll start there.

 

My parents really laid into me when I let them know everything that had been going on -- main question they had was 'What the HELL does she have over you to keep controlling you this way?!'. Kind of a tough thing to answer, as I'm not really sure. She doesn't want to be with me, regardless of her recent outbursts, she's made it clear, and I don't WANT to be with her, I think I'm just scared of being alone.

[nobmagnet]

dont be afraid. I speak from experiance here. Being alone and getting to know yourself and not relying on somebody else for your happiness. Its the best feeling in the world.

Relying on somebody else for your happiness is unhealthy and wont allow you to grow.

This lesson you learn will but you in a better place.

 

xx

[Gunny376]

dont be afraid. I speak from experience here. Being alone and getting to know yourself and not relying on somebody else for your happiness. Its the best feeling in the world.

Relying on somebody else for your happiness is unhealthy and wont allow you to grow.

This lesson you learn will but you in a better place.

 

xx

 

 

Yea! That's the way to go!

 

But its a 'mother-trucker' Its not for the faint of hearted. You've got to do it without the drugs, the alcohol etc.

 

You'll find the real you on the otherside of the mountain that you've got to climb! (Are you listening to what I'm saying SHB, LisaUK, Tojaz? MrMayI?)

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't agree it's virtually impossible (or impossible as some say) to love someone else without loving yourself first, me and my ex both have low self esteem but we loved each other completely and utterly for 18 years.

 

 

Its virtually impossible to love someone else without loving yourself first. You made her the center of everything and she realized that she needed someone that could care for themselves. You have to deal with your feelings one way or the other so you might as well stop the drinking and pill popping. Reality is that this is happening to you and you have to deal with all the pain and go through it. You will come out a better man on the other side. Take my word for it.

 

The only way out is through.

[HeavenOrHell]

I identify with so much of what you said in your first post, even the not being able to watch certain TV programmes. So glad you knocked on your parent's door. Maybe you could just stay with them sometimes and not give up your lease. I must admit I can't face going to my parents at all because I've never been there without my ex, I would feel lonelier there, but my mum has been wonderful phoning me most days.

Anyway, hang in there and hope things start to become easier before too long.

 

I stayed with them all day yesterday and slept there last night. I don't think it will help honestly.

 

Aside from that, I spoke with my landlord as soon as I got up this morning -- if I break the lease I'm still responsible for the rest of the lease term, so I may as well stay here.

 

My best friend needs a roommate however, though I didn't ask my landlord about the possibility of just 'upgrading' so to speak to a bigger place, I think it may be a good idea. I'm financially almost broke and it wouldn't be a quiet home to come to every evening.

 

As for my addictions, I've found a local meeting spot for AA, figure I'll start there.

 

My parents really laid into me when I let them know everything that had been going on -- main question they had was 'What the HELL does she have over you to keep controlling you this way?!'. Kind of a tough thing to answer, as I'm not really sure. She doesn't want to be with me, regardless of her recent outbursts, she's made it clear, and I don't WANT to be with her, I think I'm just scared of being alone.

[Aksion]

I don't agree it's virtually impossible (or impossible as some say) to love someone else without loving yourself first, me and my ex both have low self esteem but we loved each other completely and utterly for 18 years.

 

HoH, the only reason I didn't bother replying to sugarmomma's post was because it had absolutely nothing to do with what transpired in my marriage.

 

Boundary Problem - Nobody had a clue. Outside of them knowing I liked to have a 'few drinks every now and then' they knew nothing and were really stunned when they heard everything I've been doing to myself.

 

Anyhow, Gunny/nobmagnent -- I'm sort of glad I told my family now. They lost it at first, but I could see the real concern, and how much my mom really wants to help me get better. I even went to work today and sat down with the general manager of my restaraunt and my exec chef and told them everything as well. They both want to help me as well, (probably because I run the damn place for them and they need me) but thats beside the point.

 

Now I've just gotta figure out how to not only deal with my addictions, but learn to be ok w/o her in my life. The last woman that I told yall about I completely cut her out because I KNEW I wasn't right, and I WANTED to be around her because I felt I NEEDED that in my life. I still, like all of us, do want someone to share myself with, but right now I'm starting to understand that I need to figure out who/what I am, and how to get to being the person I was before all of this, or better.

 

Obviously all of this isn't going to happen over night, and I'm not going to trick myself into thinking im 'ok' or 'fixed' or 'better' already. I'm so far from it. I still feel the need to tell her what she did to me, maybe make her understand the impact she had on me -- though I know it would do no good. I'm getting a new number in the next week or so, so that'll stop her phone calls/texts. I've set parameters on all of the social networking sites I'm on, I NEED to have her out of my life completely. I can't figure out why she decides to call/text/e-mail sometimes, but I know I need it to stop, or I'm not going to get any better, and I won't be able to move on.

 

I really wanna thank yall. Yall didn't have to take the time to read anything I've said, or reply to it for that matter, but you did, and I thank you.

 

I really wanna thank JaneDoe most of all though. If you wouldn't have been on, and said what you said, I probably would have just walked back home after sitting there all those hours and I'd be right back where I was, with no one to help me, nobody knowing about what has been going on.

 

"I love you all with all thats left of me, for trying to help kill what made a mess of me."