Do I really need to hang out with her ex-lovers?

[todd_nyc]

My girlfriend has remained friends with some of her ex-boyfriends and also with some guys that she "just slept with once or a few times". I trust her, and I have not tried to interfere with her being friends with and hanging out with whomever she likes, including all of her exes.

 

However, I have also told her that I do not want to be around any of these guys that she has slept with, even if it was just once. I have asked her not to arrange any events that include both of us. For example, if we are having dinner with a group of people, I would like her ex-lovers to be excluded from that group. If they are not, then I will leave and do my own thing.

 

My girlfriend finds my attitude immature. She feels that I should just deal with my discomfort and not "punish" her for her past indiscretions. I feel that my request is reasonable and that it is disrespectful to expect me to hang out with any of her ex-lovers.

 

Is it reasonable of her to expect me to hang out with her ex-lovers, or is it disrespectful or otherwise ridiculous to expect me to do so?

[threebyfate]

Since you're not trying to control her life, I don't see why she should try to control yours. If you're uncomfortable getting together with her exes, then she should respect your feelings.

 

I will say that I'm like your g/f, where some of my exes are still around. My fiance at the time, husband currently, was fine to meet and hang out with them. He felt even better about it, after he met them and watched our dynamic, in that he knew there was no interest from me.

 

As a compromise, you could meet one, just once, and see if it bothers you as you believed it would. If so, she NEEDS to back off, with the issue never coming back up again.

[ADF]

I am afraid you are being unreasonable. To demand your GF jump through hoops just to make sure you and any man she has ever slept with are never in the same room together is crazy. Grow up.

[Boundary Problem]

I assume none of these ex-lovers is a father of her child.

 

Cause that could get a little tricky.

[an hero]

Actually I think you are being completely reasonable. You shouldn't have to hang around with people you know she has had sex with, especially exes. Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel. She should be understanding.

[JustLooking123]

I am afraid you are being unreasonable. To demand your GF jump through hoops just to make sure you and any man she has ever slept with are never in the same room together is crazy. Grow up.

 

What? Sounds like he's being pretty reasonable. I'm not sure what hoops he's demanding she jump through; could you clarify what you mean by that?

 

I think you're entitled to stay away from those guys if you want. Sounds like you're being pretty level-headed about this. Like someone else said, she's an adult who is allowed to do as she pleases, and so are you. As long as you explain this in a calm and respectful way, I don't know why any reasonable person would get upset.

[road]

A GF or wife in a committed relationship should not hang out with past lovers. The amount of times they rutted does not change this.

 

If the GF/wife rutted with half the town and she has no one to be friends with that she has not banged in the past then she needs to move to a new town to make new friends. Ex lovers are not meant to be friends.

[lkjh]

ADF, is completely wrong here

 

 

OP, first off a girl that has multiple past lovers and still hangs out with them is not gf material. Do yourself a favor and drop her before its too late

[carhill]

Is it reasonable of her to expect me to hang out with her ex-lovers, or is it disrespectful or otherwise ridiculous to expect me to do so?

Ex'es are ex'es for a reason. Perhaps you are projecting a male perspective upon her, specifically that a man will perhaps still want to have sex with an ex even if not interested in her romantically and that this desire colors interactions. You look in her ex'es eyes and see that they think like you and that bugs you. My suggestion is to see with different eyes.

 

Tell me, does she have any issues with you being in contact with, and her socializing with, your past lovers? I assume not If other, you have a relationship control issue and I'd lose confidence in the health of this R quickly.

 

I'm smelling a lot of territorial testosterone here. Chivalrous but a bit antiquated, IMO. Arranging a partner's social life by your own territorial rules isn't the best way to have a healthy relationship. She could work with an ex, have professional relationships (meaning social obligations for you as a couple) with an ex, etc, etc.

 

OP, has your GF demonstrated *any* signs that she is untrustworthy and/or potentially unfaithful? Also, how old are you?

 

Welcome to LS.

[phineas]

Look at it this way.

At least she is being upfront about these men being ex's & that she slept with them & not just calling them "friends".

[ADF]

What? Sounds like he's being pretty reasonable. I'm not sure what hoops he's demanding she jump through; could you clarify what you mean by that?

 

I think you're entitled to stay away from those guys if you want. Sounds like you're being pretty level-headed about this. Like someone else said, she's an adult who is allowed to do as she pleases, and so are you. As long as you explain this in a calm and respectful way, I don't know why any reasonable person would get upset.

 

I am not sure what needs so much clarification.

 

This is not a matter of the OP choosing not to befriend his GF's ex's. He is demading his GF do all the work, that she go out of her way to exclude certain people from certain gatherings at certain times just to appease his resentment.

 

And what does he resent? Basically, that she isn't a virgin. He resents the fact his GF has been with other men. Demanding to never be in any room with any man his GF ever slept with at any time is excessive. It is controlling and jealous and childish.

[reservoirdog1]

I seem to be one of the few (or the only one), but I agree with ADF on this one.

 

Firstly, I see a huge potential double standard at play here in some of the replies:

 

A GF or wife in a committed relationship should not hang out with past lovers. The amount of times they rutted does not change this.

 

If the GF/wife rutted with half the town and she has no one to be friends with that she has not banged in the past then she needs to move to a new town to make new friends. Ex lovers are not meant to be friends.

 

OP, first off a girl that has multiple past lovers and still hangs out with them is not gf material. Do yourself a favor and drop her before its too late

 

What is this, the 19th century? Give me a break. The world's changed a lot. If the OP wants a GF who's a virgin, fine. He should dump this one and move on. The reality, however, is that most people have had more than one partner. If things with a past partner ended amicably, there's no reason why contact between them shouldn't be acceptable.

 

Does it go the same way in reverse? I'd like to know whether or not the OP maintains any contact with ex-girlfriends or women he slept with. Because if he does, then he's being unreasonable and hypocritical.

 

Secondly, the OP doesn't have a right to tell his GF who she gets to socialize with. Personally, I can't stand people who make their new SOs break off contact with friends because they happen to have slept with them in the past. It's excessively controlling and neurotic. If he's not okay with some of her choices of friends and they can't reach agreement, he should end the relationship. Period.

 

Thirdly, jealousy is a form of insecurity, and insecurity is hugely off-putting to a partner. These past BFs are your GF's friends. By refusing to be in their presence, what message are you sending to your GF, and to them? That you're THREATENED by them. Let that sink in for a minute. Your level of security in your relationship is so low that you need artificial barriers (i.e. no-contact agreements) between your GF and these guys from her past in order to feel secure. Makes you look like a collossal wuss. Conversely, being in their presence and acting confident and self-assured (even if, inwardly, you don't feel that way) will help you immensely.

 

Also, psychology is a funny thing. By displaying such insecurity to your GF on this subject, you're giving her a reason to question your inner strength and self-confidence. And thereby her commitment to you. Chances are your GF gets hit on with some frequency when she's out in public without you. Which would you prefer: that she actually consider accepting such advances because she thinks you're a bit of a wuss who's scared of other guys, or that she turns down these random guys because she knows on a psychological level that they've got nothing on you?

 

Grow up, be the alpha dog, and show that you're not afraid of her previous BFs. Remind yourself that they've got nothing on you, and that if they were your equals, she'd be with one of them right now, and that she's with you now because you're better than all of them. That'll earn you respect not only from her, but from your peers and from her former BFs.

Edited December 14, 2009 by reservoirdog1

[Blind]

I think the OP is being reasonable. If you two are in a relationship then why should she have all her past men shoved in your face? This is just bait for cheating, and the chances of it happening is sooner than later. Talk to your GF about it and let her know that the two of you are in relationship, not you and her and her exes. She's not only disrespecting you - if she had any self-respect she wouldn't be hanging out with men she's only slept with once. Come on!

[JohnP82]

I think you're supposed to play it cool when around guys she used to have sex with. However, I guess it's your prerogative as to who you want to be around. However making her pick who she is going to hangout with seems like a bad idea.

[reservoirdog1]

This is just bait for cheating, and the chances of it happening is sooner than later.

Actually, I'd say the reverse is more likely true. Think about it -- he acts all petulant, says she can go hang out with those friends but he won't be going with her. So off she goes. This happens a few times, she finds your objections and the arguments about it more and more annoying. So she starts commiserating with one of these guys, who sweet talks her and tells her what she wants to hear. She starts to agree that you're an insecure wuss who's threatened by other guys. And boom -- one night she fycks one of them.

 

At the very least, if you go with her to one of these events that involves guys from her past, it puts you in an excellent position to (a) observe the ongoing dynamic between her and them, (b) demonstate to them that you're the alpha dog and aren't threatened by them, and © not be worrying about what she's up to while she's out without you.

[Blind]

Actually, I'd say the reverse is more likely true. Think about it -- he acts all petulant, says she can go hang out with those friends but he won't be going with her. So off she goes. This happens a few times, she finds your objections and the arguments about it more and more annoying. So she starts commiserating with one of these guys, who sweet talks her and tells her what she wants to hear. She starts to agree that you're an insecure wuss who's threatened by other guys. And boom -- one night she fycks one of them.

 

At the very least, if you go with her to one of these events that involves guys from her past, it puts you in an excellent position to (a) observe the ongoing dynamic between her and them, (b) demonstate to them that you're the alpha dog and aren't threatened by them, and © not be worrying about what she's up to while she's out without you.

 

You make really valid points. But I still believe that once he opens up the opportunity for her to hang out with her exes, it opens an even bigger door for cheating. It's normal and reasonable for him to feel uncomfortable in this type of situation. It's better off to cut the ties now than later. Now, if they were to get married - should he be okay with her exes attending the wedding? Continue hanging out after the wedding? I'm taking this situation as if it we're a serious relationship. He would hate to be the idiot that allowed all of this to happen and observed, observed, and observed and still never saw it coming.

[lkjh]

I seem to be one of the few (or the only one), but I agree with ADF on this one.

 

Firstly, I see a huge potential double standard at play here in some of the replies:

 

 

 

 

 

What is this, the 19th century? Give me a break. The world's changed a lot. If the OP wants a GF who's a virgin, fine. He should dump this one and move on. The reality, however, is that most people have had more than one partner. If things with a past partner ended amicably, there's no reason why contact between them shouldn't be acceptable.

 

Does it go the same way in reverse? I'd like to know whether or not the OP maintains any contact with ex-girlfriends or women he slept with. Because if he does, then he's being unreasonable and hypocritical.

 

Secondly, the OP doesn't have a right to tell his GF who she gets to socialize with. Personally, I can't stand people who make their new SOs break off contact with friends because they happen to have slept with them in the past. It's excessively controlling and neurotic. If he's not okay with some of her choices of friends and they can't reach agreement, he should end the relationship. Period.

 

Thirdly, jealousy is a form of insecurity, and insecurity is hugely off-putting to a partner. These past BFs are your GF's friends. By refusing to be in their presence, what message are you sending to your GF, and to them? That you're THREATENED by them. Let that sink in for a minute. Your level of security in your relationship is so low that you need artificial barriers (i.e. no-contact agreements) between your GF and these guys from her past in order to feel secure. Makes you look like a collossal wuss. Conversely, being in their presence and acting confident and self-assured (even if, inwardly, you don't feel that way) will help you immensely.

 

Also, psychology is a funny thing. By displaying such insecurity to your GF on this subject, you're giving her a reason to question your inner strength and self-confidence. And thereby her commitment to you. Chances are your GF gets hit on with some frequency when she's out in public without you. Which would you prefer: that she actually consider accepting such advances because she thinks you're a bit of a wuss who's scared of other guys, or that she turns down these random guys because she knows on a psychological level that they've got nothing on you?

 

Grow up, be the alpha dog, and show that you're not afraid of her previous BFs. Remind yourself that they've got nothing on you, and that if they were your equals, she'd be with one of them right now, and that she's with you now because you're better than all of them. That'll earn you respect not only from her, but from your peers and from her former BFs.

 

No this is the 21st century and the new age style of thinking that you are proposing is why we have 50% divorce rates and increasing infidelity rate. This is common sense, not a double standard. People in serious relationships that choose to stay in contact with multiple former sexual partners is not worth your time. It has nothing to do with being an alpha dog, it has to do with not being stupid.

[reservoirdog1]

You make really valid points. But I still believe that once he opens up the opportunity for her to hang out with her exes, it opens an even bigger door for cheating. It's normal and reasonable for him to feel uncomfortable in this type of situation. It's better off to cut the ties now than later. Now, if they were to get married - should he be okay with her exes attending the wedding? Continue hanging out after the wedding? I'm taking this situation as if it we're a serious relationship. He would hate to be the idiot that allowed all of this to happen and observed, observed, and observed and still never saw it coming.

You also make good points. But I think the fundamental issue here is this: if she's going to cheat on him, she may or may not do so with a guy she's been with before. It might be somebody totally new, who he doesn't even know and therefore can't suspect. But if his petulance and excessively jealous behaviour has caused her to lower her estimation of his self-confidence, she could be even more vulnerable to cheating in general -- not with any specific guy, whether she's slept with him in the past or not.

 

As an aside, a guy she's been with before no longer has the lure of the unknown -- been there, done that. No surprise. No wondering what it would be like.

 

If there's one thing I think has been made pretty clear, it's that promises of fidelity, wedding vows, etc. are pretty weak guarantees of fidelity on their own. A partner who is dissatisfied in their relationship, either for good reasons or crappy reasons, could potentially cheat regardless of such vows or promises. The best way to guard against infidelity is to give one's partner as little reason to be dissatisfied as possible. (We could fill a whole book on how to do that.) And one's partner being jealous, pouty and controlling is a definite mark in the "cons" column.

 

And I still come back to this: nowadays, many people have others within their social circle that they've dated or slept with. It's a pretty common thing. It would make for some very unsettling and, frankly, hurtful interrelationship dynamics all around if every time a person entered a relationship, they had to go to those people within their circle of friends and tell them that they couldn't associate with them anymore. Only to suddenly ask to "be friends with them again" if the relationship didn't work out.

 

The important thing, from my perspective, is that each and every social friend of one of the partners in a relationship, MUST be a "friend of the relationship". That is, they must be supportive of it, friendly to both partners, and not actively trying to undermine it (e.g. by flirting with or coming on to one of the partners). Obviously if one partner has cheated, the person they've cheated with should be persona non grata.

 

And even then, there's no guarantee against cheating. There are simply some people out there with broken moral compasses. The whole thing is a bit of a crap shoot. All any of us can do is choose our partners wisely, actively work to our partners happy in our relationships, keep ourselves healthy, attractive and "interesting", and hope for the best.

[reservoirdog1]

No this is the 21st century and the new age style of thinking that you are proposing is why we have 50% divorce rates and increasing infidelity rate. This is common sense, not a double standard. People in serious relationships that choose to stay in contact with multiple former sexual partners is not worth your time. It has nothing to do with being an alpha dog, it has to do with not being stupid.

The 50% divorce rate has been reality for a lot longer than the "new age style of thinking" you refer to...

[silic0ntoad]

Care to back that up with facts? I'd like to see how long this 50% divorce rate has been around, coz frankly, I don't think it's too long.

 

And it has EVERYTHING to do with "new age" hippie bullsh*t.

[Stockalone]

Is it reasonable of her to expect me to hang out with her ex-lovers, or is it disrespectful or otherwise ridiculous to expect me to do so?

 

That is reasonable.

 

That doesn't mean she has to do it. You can make a case for her point of view too.

 

Also, the question that has been raised by others, if you are in contact with exes, is also valid one. You can't expect her not do the same things you do.

 

 

What is this, the 19th century? Give me a break. The world's changed a lot. If the OP wants a GF who's a virgin, fine. He should dump this one and move on.

 

He said nothing about wanting a virgin as a gf.

 

 

Does it go the same way in reverse? I'd like to know whether or not the OP maintains any contact with ex-girlfriends or women he slept with. Because if he does, then he's being unreasonable and hypocritical.

 

That is a valid question.

 

 

Secondly, the OP doesn't have a right to tell his GF who she gets to socialize with.

 

That is not what he is doing. What he said was that he doesn't want to be present when there is one of them around.

 

That is different than saying she can never socialize with them again.

 

 

Personally, I can't stand people who make their new SOs break off contact with friends because they happen to have slept with them in the past. It's excessively controlling and neurotic.

 

The way I understood the OP, he is okay with them hanging out, as long as he doesn't have to be a part of it.

 

 

If he's not okay with some of her choices of friends and they can't reach agreement, he should end the relationship. Period.

 

I think that his gf is the one who has to decide what to do. If she agrees with you that he is a excessively controlling man, she should leave him.

 

But I am also on his side (assuming he doesn't hang out with his exes), so I see this topic differently.

 

 

Thirdly, jealousy is a form of insecurity, and insecurity is hugely off-putting to a partner. These past BFs are your GF's friends. By refusing to be in their presence, what message are you sending to your GF, and to them?

That you're THREATENED by them. Let that sink in for a minute.

 

Why does that mean he is threatened by them?

 

I don't see it like that at all. Personally, I think this is about respect.

 

A woman who wants me to hang out with an ex of hers is disrespecting me, and our relationship.

 

 

Also, psychology is a funny thing. By displaying such insecurity to your GF on this subject, you're giving her a reason to question your inner strength and self-confidence. And thereby her commitment to you. Chances are your GF gets hit on with some frequency when she's out in public without you. Which would you prefer: that she actually consider accepting such advances because she thinks you're a bit of a wuss who's scared of other guys, or that she turns down these random guys because she knows on a psychological level that they've got nothing on you?

 

I agree, they've got nothing on the bf. Why would I even feel the need to prove myself in that manner. That is beneath me.

 

I wouldn't want a gf that needs to be shown (and reassured) that I am the man. She needs to be the one to clearly show that she is taken, even when her man is not around.

 

 

Grow up, be the alpha dog, and show that you're not afraid of her previous BFs. Remind yourself that they've got nothing on you, and that if they were your equals, she'd be with one of them right now, and that she's with you now because you're better than all of them. That'll earn you respect not only from her, but from your peers and from her former BFs.

 

I understand your point, but I wouldn't do that. To quote you:

 

What is this, the 19th century? Give me a break.

 

That's what I think when I read stuff like you need to prove who's the alpha dog.

 

If we want to play the game that way, we should return to challenging each other to a duel to the death. With clubs and swords, but preferably with our bare hands.

 

And to the victor go the spoils (the women), whether they want it or not. Do it right or not at all.

[reservoirdog1]

Care to back that up with facts? I'd like to see how long this 50% divorce rate has been around, coz frankly, I don't think it's too long.

 

And it has EVERYTHING to do with "new age" hippie bullsh*t.

 

The US divorce rate reached its peak in the late 1970s, and has been in general gradual decline since then. The rate is currently approximately 20 divorces per year for every 1000 women over the age of 15. The rate was 23 in 1978.

 

Admittedly the rate was only about 5 per 1000 women back in the 1950s. However, to simply conclude that it's all the fault of "new age hippie bullsh*t" is simplistic and overlooks numerous other factors. Among those factors are the increased economic independence of women and the availability of birth control. There's now much less reason for women to stay in unhappy marriages, as so many would do in the past. Women who have been married before are not looked upon as "damaged goods" and divorce does not carry the social stigma that it used to.

 

So, if you want to credit anything for the relatively low rate of divorce in decades and centuries past, blame the economic and social system that subjugated women and made them dependent on men for their livelihood and survival.

[Dexter Morgan]

Is it reasonable of her to expect me to hang out with her ex-lovers, or is it disrespectful or otherwise ridiculous to expect me to do so?

 

 

No, it is not reasonable for her to expect you to hang around guys that have stuck it in her.

 

I'll go you one further, it is highly disrespectful to you that she hangs out with guys she had sex with.

[Stockalone]

That is reasonable.

 

That doesn't mean she has to do it. You can make a case for her point of view too.

 

Also, the question that has been raised by others, if you are in contact with exes, is also valid one. You can't expect her not do the same things you do.

 

Stupid Freudian slip.

 

I quoted the wrong section of your post there. The above was meant as a reply to this section of your post.

 

I feel that my request is reasonable and that it is disrespectful to expect me to hang out with any of her ex-lovers.

[carhill]

Anecdotally, relevant to divorce rates, and my father related is wasn't uncommon amongst GI's of the time, his first wife left him for another man 'at home', taking his two daughters, while he was in Italy fighting the Germans in 1943-45. He later had the marriage annulled in the church due to infidelity and desertion. It happened long before I was born, but I did see the child support checks he sent across the country back in the 1950's when cleaning out his effects a few years ago.

 

IMO, people who will cheat will cheat, regardless if there are 1000 ex-lovers or zero ex-lovers. Numbers are irrelevant. Compatibility is relevant. Perhaps the OP needs to look at that.