I'm pregnant, he wont speak to me???

[lilbelle]

So let me try to put everything into perspective. We break up twice now, get back together. Everything is running somewhat smooth and then a couple of weeks ago I started just getting sick out of nowhere. I thought maybe it was a stomach virus but then I couldn't get rid of my headache, my boobs starting hurting, etc. So I finally decide to go to the doctor because I had no idea I could be pregnant because I am on the depo shot. So I go and tell her everything and she immediately tells me she thinks I'm pregnant. I'm like no way thats impossible I'm on the shot. She says I must have gotten pregnant right before and it was too early to show up on the test. So I test and I am. So that was Friday and I was totally freaked out and had no idea how I was going to tell him. I decided that maybe I would terminate and never tell him about any of this. Saturday I went to a charity event and then back to a friends house that actually lives in his same building. I drank a bunch of bourbon and thought I would terminate it and be done. Then the more I drank the more I realized how selfish I was and that maybe he had a right to know about the baby and maybe he would want me to have it. So as I'm leaving I see he is now home. I text him some stuff earlier trying to lead into the pregnancy talk. There are some underlying issues that I have from a previous relationship where I miscarried because he beat the crap out of me. Anyway, I had never told anyone this and wanted to start with this since when I told him maybe he would see that the baby really means a lot to me as I have lost one before. He won't answer me at all so I decide to do the brilliant drunk thing and knock on door. It opens but the security latch is on it and his buddy just walks off. I'm like wtf? so then I get angry. He wouldnt even come to door and say not now or what the hell is wrong with you knocking on my door, just nothing. He calls cops instead. Cop gives me ride home and says that its obvious he is sleeping with someone else, maybe multiple people. I tell cop about pregnancy and he is like holy ****. He asked if I told him and I told him thats why I was there. Anyway. I finally text him today after about 50 texts cause im so pissed about his behavior that I am pregnant. He wont respond at all. I sent him a msg on facebook now he has it to where you cant msg him. I am so conflicted. My head is all fuzzy and I clearly am raging with all these hormones that are affecting all this ****. I figure I am 11 weeks and go in the am for ultrasound. If I am then I will have to make an appt soon to terminate. They will only terminate at 12 weeks and under. I am so confused and wish he would tell me if he wants anything to do with this baby. I don't even think I want to terminate it. I want the baby. Now the real question is how is he going to act if I keep this child. He is acting like a dick and wont even speak to me. I'm floored, shocked, and sad that it looks like I will be making this decision by myself. After this I never want to see this guy again. I am sick of his treatment. I don't really want him to have anything to do with the baby. Guess I'm looking for anything tonight. Support, opinions, a kick in the ass.

[ADF]

I only have three things to say:

 

1) Don't let anyone convince you that terminating a pregnancy is "selfish." Unless they are going to carry the baby for you for 9 months, then spend the next 18+ feeding, clothing, hosuing, educating and providing health care for your child, they have nothing to say about it. NOTHING.

 

2) Your ex is a worthless piece of garbage. Stop trying to get him to act like a human being. He's trash. Forget about him.

 

3) While you cannot make this piece of human trash be a good father, you can make him pay child support. If you decide to keep the baby (and I pray you don't), make sure he pays. That means going to court and filing a case. Don't be one of those stupid women who risks having their kid go without just as to not piss off the father.

 

Good luck.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

If you plan on keeping the baby plan on him not being there for you or the baby.

[lilbelle]

Thanks ADF. I am thinking termination is the best option as well. I am having some trouble with it and honestly won't have any support with this since my whole family is devout catholic. I am just going to have to be very strong and get through it alone. I really do want children but not with this man. I agree he is trash. I wish really I wouldn't have told him and just terminated without him knowing and moved on. I don't know how men can be so uncaring. You clearly made love to this woman over and over and now you just forget about her like shes a piece of meat. I guess I'm just an idiot for ever liking this guy.

[Boundary Problem]

make sure he pays. That means going to court and filing a case. Don't be one of those stupid women who risks having their kid go without just as to not piss off the father.

.

 

 

Many many many women forgo child support in order to maintain an amicable "family" relationship with their ex.

 

I'm one of them.

 

I would MUCH rather get along with my ex than get the extra $400 a month thank you. We split daycare, swimming etc 50/50.

 

Each situation has to be evaluated on its merits.

 

I think it takes men a while to adjust to the idea of having a child, so I wish OP all the best in whatever she decides is best for her. I think we all have a romantic ideal of what having a child is like. It is a massive change in lifestyle and priorities. Consider all your options carefully and lots of ((hugs)).

[lilbelle]

If you plan on keeping the baby plan on him not being there for you or the baby.

 

I already had considered that. I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby but the reality is that if he pays child support he has rights as a father. I wouldn't deny my child a relationship with their father but would be very protective of the interactions. I have been reading about the baby growing in me and everytime I do I feel closer to it so I have decided to go ahead and make the appt for termination but take this week to really reflect on if I want to go through with it. I'm not getting any younger and successful enough to raise the baby on my own. It would be very tough but it is an option.

 

I was going over the calendar trying to figure out when this happen, the actual conception. I have pin pointed 2 wknds. One was the reuniting after our first breakup and there was this guy at the bar that night telling us we were going to have big beautiful babies. That night we had sex and he got up and went in the kitchen and was saying something about me having his baby. He was **** faced so I ignored it but thought it was cute at the time. What if all that baby talk brought this on... lol. I guess it could happen.

 

I'm really worried about the side effects of the depo shot on the baby. Most common thing I have heard is low birth weight and premature birth. But I'm trying to focus on whether I am ready to have a child by myself and all the changes that will come with it. I just started at a new company and they have an onsite nursery and daycare so that is awesome but I don't know if I'm ready for the craziness that babies bring but neither were any other parents. I guess my major issue is me being raised catholic and my beliefs on abortion. I never thought I would even consider an abortion.

[Boundary Problem]

I already had considered that. I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby but the reality is that if he pays child support he has rights as a father.

 

there was this guy at the bar that night telling us we were going to have big beautiful babies.

 

Sounds like there are two possible fathers for the baby.

 

You won't know until there is a blood test.

 

A father gains access right to the child by virtue of being the father. Has nothing to do with whether or not he's paying or in arrears on child support (at least in my legal jurisdiction).

 

You have a baby with a man, you are tied together for life. The child's graduation, the child's wedding....Regardless of your relationship with the child's father.

 

Having said that there are lots of single mothers out there. All I'm saying is that I personally need a large support network to raise my son. It takes a village to raise a child they say.

 

You are in a difficult position and make the best choice you can.

[lilbelle]

there is only one possible father. The guy at the bar was saying this to me and the ex. Then the ex said the stuff about having his baby that same night probably because this stranger at the bar had been talking to us and telling us this weird stuff. We thought it was funny at the time but A seemed like he was serious when he was in the kitchen. He must have realized it the next wknd because he told me I needed to get on bc. That is the week I took the shot. Less than 10 days between baby making sessions as I am now calling it.

[Boundary Problem]

Are you talking about that birth control shot?

 

I know a couple that relies upon it. They now have 3 kids, rather than the 2 they planned on.

 

 

They nearly got a divorce over the 3rd child because wife was late going to the dr to get her quarterly shot and hubby did NOT want any more kids.

 

No birth control method is 100% foolproof - if you are having intercourse.

[lilbelle]

I'm wondering if any other woman can weigh in on this...

 

I was ready to move on and be done but I honestly could not stop thinking about this guy. I mean it was strange. I also felt this incredible need to be near him. Could this have only been hormones from being pregnant? Now I have noticed for the past week I really just want to be alone and could care less about him... Is this normal. These mood swings are making me nuts. Even my mother mentioned them today and that's when I realized its best for me to hide until I make a decision. Also, I am having these weird fits of emotion. I was really mad last night as I should be and I found myself wanting bloody revenge. I have never in my life been so hell bent on it and then the next minute I am thinking, this is the father of my child I shouldn't talk to him that way???? Is this just pregnancy talking or what is going on? I can't even think clearly. I forget things when normally I have the memory of an elephant. The major one is my keys, I can never find the keys. Believe it or not the other day I forgot to pulls down my panties and sat down on the toilet and pee'd in them. It was the weirdest thing. Can any woman relate?

[Boundary Problem]

I think you are talking about "baby brain". That is a fancy phrase for "I'm tired and I'm not thinking too clearly".

 

Being pregnant is hard work.

 

But don't let it distract you from the decisions you need to make.

[lilbelle]

Are you talking about that birth control shot?

 

I know a couple that relies upon it. They now have 3 kids, rather than the 2 they planned on.

 

 

They nearly got a divorce over the 3rd child because wife was late going to the dr to get her quarterly shot and hubby did NOT want any more kids.

 

No birth control method is 100% foolproof - if you are having intercourse.

 

yes, I took the depo shot. I know nothing is foolproof. The doctor seems to think that I got pregnant right before taking the shot. I will know for sure after the ultrasound. It's not like I didn't love this man. I mean I would have tried to raise a baby with him and be a family. I think he would make a good father. But calling the cops on your girlfriend because she comes to your house looking for answers on why you just cut her off again is ridiculous. I personally feel it is unforgivable. He could have easily said he wasn't ready to talk or he hates me whatever. He could avoid me ever coming over if he would answer a text. I would have left and been fine. instead he makes all this drama with his inability to communicate. Like he is doing now. I mean what do I have to do contact his mother and try to get her to talk some sense into him and make him realize this is a baby and a huge life changing event. He has told me before he wanted children, I'm sure not in these circumstances or maybe not even with me, hell I don't know. I don't even care about his opinion anymore. This is my choice.

[Boundary Problem]

Sounds like his opinion is of zero assistance to you right now.

 

Just make the best choice for you. Whatever you choose has to be sustainable.

 

With him - if you choose to go ahead with the preganancy - you just have to be consistent and firm. When he sees you are consistent and firm all the time, then he will likely be consistent somehow. With drama - just don't react, unless you are bored and like seeing sparks.

[lilbelle]

I was right. 11 weeks. heard babys heart beat. scheduled for next week. he responded today only saying this... thats great lilbelle, get it taken care of.

 

what is great exactly? im not going to talk to him ever again. still conflicted about the termination. thinking it would be easy to change my mind and just never tell him. obviously he doesnt want the baby so that would be better anyway. i was talking to a very close guy friend of mine who actually says i should have the baby and forget the trash who it was with. he cant believe how this guy has treated me. he made me draw a map to his house and wants to kill the guy. i asked him to leave it alone that it will only make matters worse. i have alot to think about. they said baby looks great and has a strong heartbeat. listening to it made me tear up and was very difficult. i dreamt last night that there was this little bird nestled in a chicken. it was one of those dreams where you know your that chicken and that little bird was your baby. so weird. cried all morning. Doctor just doesn't know what to say and agrees that if I have the baby I just should not let him know and go about my life. Trying to get it together and rationalize everything.

[Enema]

"That's great" - he's being sarcastic.

 

"Get it taken care of" - is an order.

 

In this case though, despite how he's phrased it, it's probably the best idea. While we don't know your financial situation, it doesn't sound like you're in any position to have a kid right now - especially with this douche who you can guarantee will be the poster child for "deadbead dad".

 

Get rid of your parasite and chalk this one up to a lesson learned, rather than a lesson suffered.

[DollyMix]

Get it taken care of? what an insensitive self absorbed ...I could go on.

If you want to keep baby you've got to be prepared to go it alone and know that you will be inextricably paired with this guy forever it could hamper your finding the right guy, but if you want the baby already love it and want to care for it alone then don't let how the relationship turned out stop you ultimately only you know whats going to be right for you so only you can make the choice my thoughts are really with you I hope you do whats right for you, sorry if I've missed it earlier in the thread but can i ask how old you are?

[ajj]

I'm wondering if any other woman can weigh in on this...

 

Can any woman relate?

 

Lill, I'm agonizing with you for what you are going through. A secret most of my closest friends don't know about me is that when I walked out on my husband I was pregnant and I knew it. I had an abortion.

 

It was an agonizing decision. Sure, if people knew they would tell me how "selfish" I was. They would tell me about "God" and it's not the baby's fault. Etc. etc. etc. Yes, I hated him, too. Cheat on me while I'm pregnant, that's mean. Abuse me while I'm very early pregnant, I'm terrified for my life. Incidentally, my OBGYN who practiced at a Catholic hospital told me "I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that in your situation you're more likely to be abused again and severely abused. Men who have control issues really don't like the baby taking control over their property (ie, their womin folk)."

 

Another friend of mine had a very similar reaction from her ex as you did (her ex is someone I worked with incidentally and thought I knew well) when she first found out she was pregnant. After months of moping he finally came around... to beat her to the point she was hospitalized in her 8th month. He was horrible to her during the last trimester of her pregnancy and he's horrible to her now. Sure, she has child support orders. If he's not working does she receive child support? No, she turns to her family. He shows up when he wants to play daddy or use the child to impress his latest girlfriend then disappers for two weeks to do whatever.

 

Yes, it is incredibily unfair. You and you alone are solely responsible for making a decision that will change your life. The other person (your ex) wants no part. That's horrible and painful. However, that is reality. You state the only problem is that you were raised Catholic and never thought you'd have an abortion. I don't think any woman ever really thinks she will have an abortion. Either the woman tells herself she's really careful or she loves babies but I have never met a woman who says "Oh, I can't wait to have an abortion!"

 

Yes, it was an agonizing decision I would never want to make again. After knowing what I know now do I regret it? I regret marrying my husband but I know in my heart of hearts I did what was best. I wasn't going to be abused, I wasn't going to allow my child to be abused. Less than a year after I gave my husband the boot he moved out of state never to his daughter from a previous marriage ever again. Her mother re-married and that husband adopted her daughter. I can only imagine the conversation mother and daughter have to have one day when Mom has to explain to daughter that just because her bio dad didn't want her doesn't make her a bad person. Yeah, because kids believe that. (I didn't believe it the hundreds of times I was told I was special because I was adopted and still don't.)

 

You will get through this whatever decision you make. I would just caution you that even if he "comes around" to keep a *very* close eye on your child and have very strict support and visitation times. You don't want a father that is in and out and in and out of a child's life. You don't want a father exposing a child to his revolving dating life. Be prepared to go to court time and time and time again over the years. He will never be completely out of your life if you have this child. Prepare yourself for women you have no choice over playing "house" with your child only to disappear when these women realize what a creep he is. You will get no say so in this. None. You have to prepare yourself for not receiving a dime of child support and not to count on it. Just because the orders are there doesn't mean they will be enforced well.

 

I wish you the best. I really, really do.

[pureinheart]

He's a coward. Have your baby....the BABY is your baby....the baby is a real person and I hope you keep him/her....babies are our future....he is a loser.

 

I raised 2 kids on my own with no support at all....sure there were hard times, but God got me through all of them and I am now retiring at the age of 49 and have plenty of money.

 

I have 3 grandkids and my daughter is raising them on her own. Unfortunately some men do not understand commitment in any form....so screw them.

 

Most of my friends raised their kids on their own also....pathetic isn't it. I wish my grandkids had a decent grandfather, but oh well....they have the best grandmother on earth!

 

Hey, you be the best mother on earth and HAVE your baby!

[lilbelle]

money is not an issue. i always have a security blanket. if he wants to order it the proper thing would have been to say something like...

 

if you want me to help you financially with the termination I will. That shows some level of maturity and that he is not being such an ass.

 

But then again, I forgot who I was dealing with. I can afford my own ****. don't need him. I'm not even going to ask for the money because i want nothing to do with the loser.

[lilbelle]

Get it taken care of? what an insensitive self absorbed ...I could go on.

If you want to keep baby you've got to be prepared to go it alone and know that you will be inextricably paired with this guy forever it could hamper your finding the right guy, but if you want the baby already love it and want to care for it alone then don't let how the relationship turned out stop you ultimately only you know whats going to be right for you so only you can make the choice my thoughts are really with you I hope you do whats right for you, sorry if I've missed it earlier in the thread but can i ask how old you are?

 

early 30's. A child is more important to me than a man, and a man that loves me will love my child. I could care less about the trash that is the childs father. This whole situation has made me have nothing but utter disgust for this guy. He's beyond the dirt on my shoes. His child will have a father it just won't be him.

[lilbelle]

money is not an issue. i always have a security blanket. if he wants to order it the proper thing would have been to say something like...

 

if you want me to help you financially with the termination I will. That shows some level of maturity and that he is not being such an ass. After all I'm the one dealing with the actual emotions and termination. Which obviously he knows nothing about. It's a baby for gods sake. He doesn't have to do anything just sit at home while I get the life sucked out, cramp, bleed, go through the emotions and the hormones.

 

But then again, I forgot who I was dealing with. I can afford my own ****. don't need him. I'm not even going to ask for the money because i want nothing to do with the loser.

[lilbelle]

He's a coward. Have your baby....the BABY is your baby....the baby is a real person and I hope you keep him/her....babies are our future....he is a loser.

 

I raised 2 kids on my own with no support at all....sure there were hard times, but God got me through all of them and I am now retiring at the age of 49 and have plenty of money.

 

I have 3 grandkids and my daughter is raising them on her own. Unfortunately some men do not understand commitment in any form....so screw them.

 

Most of my friends raised their kids on their own also....pathetic isn't it. I wish my grandkids had a decent grandfather, but oh well....they have the best grandmother on earth!

 

Hey, you be the best mother on earth and HAVE your baby!

 

I am seriously thinking of keeping the baby. I have a large support group that will undoubtedly help me and a large family who all love babies! Anyway, I am attached to the baby. Especially after today and hearing the heartbeat and seeing it in there. I mean its ugly but I clearly can see it. I have until next week to decide and hopefully venting out these feelings will help here.

 

So something strange occurred and I have to wonder if he was involved. My girlfriend took me to the doc this morning. She stayed the night with me and tried to help me sort all these feelings. So she went today and was really supportive and helpful and kept my spirits up. But when we got back I wanted to go do some xmas shopping and had a box of coats to donate to the homeless shelter. When I went out there my back driver tire was flat. Not all the way but flat. I had a neighbor of mine look at it and he was going to change it but then he said that maybe someone let the air out. I didn't understand and he showed me how (okay I'm a brat, no nothing about tires) anyway, he aired it up and it was fine. Why would someone let the air out of my tire? My gf swears it was him that he knew I had the appt, but why would he do that? Seems silly. I parked the car under my window tonight. Luckily my gf stayed last night otherwise I would have missed the appt.

[Miko]

I think this truly is beyond the scope of this forum and think you should mainly ignore any advice you get here because it's just too personal and too big a deal.

 

Good luck to you whatever you do

[lilbelle]

i'm venting and sorting out these feelings. Like I said I cannot speak to my family about this. They would freak out. But thanks for trying to condone what can and cant be posted here.