ItsAllGoodAgain Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I understand that in order for dumpees to heal and move forward that they need to eliminate all that is the person who dumped them. But how is it that two people share so much love and compasion then completely eliminate themselves from each others lives. I've been NC for 2 months now. But I still find myself waiting and hoping that maybe she will call. Just to see how I'm doing. Just to know that she still cares. It feels like what we shared was meaningless and a waist of time. I want to contact her. I know it goes against all NC rules, but I really want to see how she's doing. Not who she's with but how school, work, her child, etc...are coming along. As a friend. Do you think it would be harmful to send her a small e-mail? If there are any dumpers out there who can helpl me, please do so. Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 im a dumpee. soz i feel your pain. but it might set you back to day 1. its so hard to say goodbye to all the memories and time together but i would like you to ask yourself this...........what if she is horrible to me?..............what if she shows me a thread of remorse?.................how will you feel? I know it has put me back many many times as I have children and cant do NC. Just think about what you will gain from it. hugs xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 [quote name=what if she is horrible to me?..............what if she shows me a thread of remorse?.................how will you feel? I know it has put me back many many times as I have children and cant do NC. Just think about what you will gain from it. hugs xx[/quote] I don't believe she would be horrible to me. I've never done anything to cause hate or anger from her. I don't think about reconciliation with her because of the child and the babies father. Thats a situation I don't want to be in. But if she were to show remorse then maybe in the back of my mind I would think about the chances... Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 These are where the limits of NC get extremely fuzzy. Some of the NC zealots on here will say that once you go NC, that person is literally dead to you. Never, under any circumstances give them anything even if you see your ex begging for water in the desert and you are driving a water truck. The fact is that all of our ex's were at one point a major part of our life. Just because we end things with them, does that mean permanent distance? Sometimes it depends on the situation. Say a normal break up, no cheating or anything major like that. Yes, you do need a good amount of time away from that person to get your mind straight. However, after you get a view of the situation, it is up to you to decided where or if the ex fits into your life. You must ask yourself, why do you want this girl back in your life? What do you want out of this? Be honest with yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and try to give an answer. If you cannot give an answer or be honest with the person in the mirror, then you haven't fully healed and you need to stay on the NC train a bit more. If you can give an honest answer, then perhaps it is time to check up on her because you care about her as a person, and not as some cheap way to spy on her or to secretly win her back. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesicklala Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I know exactly what you mean. My ex is moving out in a couple of weeks and moving across the country. he's made it clear that we will NOT see each other ever again, nor will we really talk to each other. Our break up has been very civil with little turbulence. So I really don't understand why you would want to act like the person you were with for over 3 years - your first serious relationship, doesn't exist or like you just can't talk to that person. I hope he changes his mind after he has some time... Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Why do I do NC? Strict NC? Because of the lies. Every time I am a dumpee, I get lies. Countless lies. It's like this person becomes an alien I've never met before. They lie for their own feelings. This is what I don't get. Why can't people just be honest? "I met this guy. I want to see where it goes. Goodbye." Simple as that. I don't understand the necessity of the dumper to be so self righteous as to deny the other party the truth. It's amoral, soul destroying behavior that hampers the other person's ability to think clearly and move on. It's selfish, preposterous, and heinous. I am NOT a bitter guy who's been dumped by a girl. I am a guy who has been lied to on countless occasions by dumpers. I've done my fair share of dumping. But I've always been straight up and honest. So, my question, really, isn't why NC works, it's more why the hell do people insist on lying about it, instead of just telling it like it is? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Two months is nothing. NOTHING. Give yourself 12 months. Then call her, if you still want to. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I've been NC for 7 months. And I'll never call her. Not ever. I'll take what I bear to the grave. Speaking to her would only impede my growth. Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Dump fodder here too I'm afraid. I think that if I get on with my life, my 'reward' will be that he will get in touch. Keep wondering if he thinks of me.. Sometimes I am convinced he misses me as much as I miss him. Other times, I think that he is glad to have got shot of me and never looks back.(He is married so had to call it a day with our friendship.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 You know, after reading and thinking about all scenarios I should probably just let this one go for now. -If she were to mention another guy in her life I don't think I'm ready to hear about it. -If she were to say that she was miserable and life has been tough, I feel I would offer my services. This isn't my problem anymore. -If she were to tell me she made a mistake and wanted to talk about things, I'm not really interested. But I feel I may give in just because. There are a number of scenarios I'm not sure I would handle properly. So this is a no go on the contact at this time!! Plus, she has made no effort to see how I've been so shy should I. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Two months is nothing. NOTHING. Give yourself 12 months. Then call her, if you still want to. In a sexual innuendo, it is not the length that counts. It is how you use it. You can go 100 months and if you spend it pining over your ex, hoping that they will miss you and call you, you are no better off than when you started. However, if you spend an intense 4-6 months really focusing on yourself, you will be amazed at your progress in that short amount of time. No contact is no where near a magical solution to make you forget someone and move forward with your life. The only way it works is if you are willing to look at yourself and no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 You know, after reading and thinking about all scenarios I should probably just let this one go for now. -If she were to mention another guy in her life I don't think I'm ready to hear about it. -If she were to say that she was miserable and life has been tough, I feel I would offer my services. This isn't my problem anymore. -If she were to tell me she made a mistake and wanted to talk about things, I'm not really interested. But I feel I may give in just because. There are a number of scenarios I'm not sure I would handle properly. So this is a no go on the contact at this time!! Plus, she has made no effort to see how I've been so shy should I. And this is why I love LS!! Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 The only way it works is if you are willing to look at yourself and no one else. You mean work on yourself Ranger?? Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 And this is why I love LS!! SO glad you sorted it IAGA:) Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 (edited) remain in NC indefinately. if you contact the ex more than likely they are getting on with their lifes without much thought for you. it will set you back. Just stay as busy as possible while remaining in NC. I was in bits and devastated when i split up with my ex. I remained in NC no matter how hard it was. My escape was the gym and i began to rebuild myself. I bumped into her after 5 months, then i thought about her for a week after. 7 months on i have got myself on a few dates and met someone who i like and I hope things work out with her. my ex is part of my past now. Just focus on moving forward, it is hard but you will get there. we all do once we realise we have to move on. Don't try to think too much of the relationship. you will have lots of questions but you will eventually learn to accept you wont get answers/ There is no reason to be a friends with my ex, she is blocked on my face book. i suppose i am a bit angry with what she has put me though. but blocking her is not being imature or bitter its just what has to be done to move on. I'm nearly there now. wasnt looking forward to xmas and new year but now i have 1 or 2 things to look forward to so 2010 will be like a fresh start.2009 feels worst year of my life but hopefully it has ended on a high with some seeds sown for the future Edited December 15, 2009 by adamt Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllGoodAgain Posted December 15, 2009 Author Share Posted December 15, 2009 We were together for 5 months, been broken up for 3 and NC for 2. I have really moved forward from the relationship. I am currently dating a great girl who is better than my ex with no bagage, so to speak. Maybe by me knowing she is fine and doing well then I can take that final step in moving on. I know I don't want to be with her. I truly know that it would never work. I loaned her a few things to get through the semester and allowed her to hang on to them until she was complete. I'll send her a small e-mail regarding these items and just ask how the semester went. I got her back into school and I really hope she's doing well and I would love to know she is. If she tries to go into anything regarding our relationship then I'll just tell her whats in the past is just that. We both have moved forward and lets continue on this path. I believe in my heart I can handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 I got her back into school and I really hope she's doing well and I would love to know she is. I don't really know if finding out how she is will even be necessary...that is, if you've truly moved on...as Caliguy often says, if you've moved on, then you won't care how they are or whether they're happy... You're both no longer in each others lives anymore...opening that door really doesn't serve a purpose... Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 = But how is it that two people share so much love and compasion then completely eliminate themselves from each others lives. I've been NC for 2 months now. But I still find myself waiting and hoping that maybe she will call. Just to see how I'm doing. Just to know that she still cares. It feels like what we shared was meaningless and a waist of time. I am the dumper - but I still maintain that he pushed me to it. And I totally understand your points above. It's why I am crying my eyes out every night. Glad you got to your epiphany - boy so I wish I could get there too! Link to post Share on other sites
lilbelle Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 its not enough time and here is why... you are still wanting the relationship. you have not begun a relationship with yourself. Trust me. I went a month, he comes around and it was not enough time and I made a horrible mistake of being with him again. I was clearly not ready and the reality is that they lie to you. Say things to reassure you and when they get the chance walk away and pretend like you don't exist. give it a lot more time. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 I am the dumper - but I still maintain that he pushed me to it. And I totally understand your points above. It's why I am crying my eyes out every night. Glad you got to your epiphany - boy so I wish I could get there too! You are the dumpee it seems. When someone pushes you to the point that out of self-respect and dignity you are forced to end it, and you're crying your eyes out, then you are the dumpee. "Dumper" doesn't really refer to the one who technically ended it. Dumper refers to the person who withdrew, and was less emotionally invested toward the end, such that they move on much faster and seem not to care. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 You are the dumpee it seems. When someone pushes you to the point that out of self-respect and dignity you are forced to end it, and you're crying your eyes out, then you are the dumpee. "Dumper" doesn't really refer to the one who technically ended it. Dumper refers to the person who withdrew, and was less emotionally invested toward the end, such that they move on much faster and seem not to care. spot on, some dumpers dont have the balls to end it properly so they end up trying to annoy the dumpee so they will end it instead. then the dumper can walk away guilt free. my ex dumped me but for the last few months she spent less and less time with me, sex had stopped, she would nag and nit pick at me and look down at me. looking back why did i stick it out apart from out of love and the belief it would return to normal. Link to post Share on other sites
almostpassedit Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 what you are feeling is guilt. Maybe she blamed you in the end? Maybe you feel like you could of done more? It doesn't matter anymore, if she's ok or not, she's not coming to you for support, she found someone else to do the things you did in the past, because you do realize, it is the past. Sooner or later, you won't think about it. That will take time. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Just wanted to say thanks to both of you Adamt and Soheartbroken - you are both right, at least from my point of view. I'm sure he would say the opposite, if he was telling anyone about the break up of course. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Just wanted to say thanks to both of you Adamt and Soheartbroken - you are both right, at least from my point of view. I'm sure he would say the opposite, if he was telling anyone about the break up of course. he wants to play the victim. get the sympathy vote then walk away a clear concience Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 he wants to play the victim. get the sympathy vote then walk away a clear concience Holy cow - do you know him? Link to post Share on other sites
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