breaking through...?

[Cara]

I have a question and hope anyone can give me an answer to that:

 

I just had a chat with one of my friends and after a long discussion about my "love-life-problems" she said that the reason why I never get to know anybody who is seriously intersted in me and who wants to try to have a realtionship with me is because I have this inner wall and I don't let any guy get closer than that because I don't really trust them.

 

I know she is right because I have been hurt quite a lot by men, and although I do not believe that "all men are mean and evil" I just am afraid of letting them come close even if I really have strong feelings for them because in some ways I think that sooner or later they will hurt me. I do not know how it feels if somebody really likes you, just simple thinks you are a person worth getting to know and having a relationship with, because I never experienced anything like that in all my life.

 

But I do not know how to break this glass ceiling inside of me. It is not that I am totally closed up and cold towards men, but as soon as I start to have feelings for somebody I can not show it, or act like it, because I am so afraid of getting hurt. And I do not know how to change this.

 

This is really getting to me because when I get rejected by a guy I like I tend to blame it on me. I always think I did something wrong or made some mistake or I think that I am just not made for having a relationship (like it is just not my fate to be able to love sombody and be loved).

 

And normally I do not have such a low self esteem, just when it comes to having feelings for somebody I screw everything up and everything gets complicated and weird and at the end I feel more and more lonely.

 

What can I do to change that?

[Tony T]

Everybody is scared to some extent or another. The more sensitive a person is, the more terrified they are of getting hurt because it REALLY hurts when you get rejected by someone you love.

 

But this is the ONLY way it works. If you expect to EVER find real love, you are going to have to gamble with your feelings. There are very few, if any, who get through life without being really hurt bad.

 

The old saying that it is better to have loved and lost...than to never have loved at all is absolutely correct. You can go through your life totally shut down to the possiblity of closeness and maybe never feel any hurt but you will not have felt any love or life either.

 

Going through some pain along the way is certainly worth finding the ultimate love that will get you through this world. It's a decision you have to make.

 

As you date and mature, you start being able to see people more clearly and usually you can better predict which men will hurt you or be bad for you. You will also start to attract more decent men.

 

You have to make the decision to open up and take chances. No one else can help you do that. But, EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO LOVES ALSO KNOWS PAIN. There is no love without it.

 

If you really want to know the meaning of hurt, talk to someone who was extremely happily married to the love of their life for 50 years when their spouse suddenly died and left them alone. Now, that's pain but they would not trade those 50 years of happiness for a painless life.

[Joe]

I am a male Cara, and I feel quite the same as you do. You have been dealt some bad hands, but as you already know, not everyone is like that. This must seem strange coming from a member of the opposite sex, but I also have built a wall, for me however it is on a concious level, so I feel I can take it down when the time is right, however for you, I can't suggest anything other than time, and/or finding the right person. I think when you do find the right person your 'glass ceiling' will come crashing down around you without you even noticing. Perhaps although you have been dating people whom you seem to care for, they are not the right ones? How can you know? How long have you been seeing them for? Are they pushing you to open yourself to them? Are they not giving you enough time to feel comfortable?

 

Maybe this is meaningless to you, maybe you can get some useful insight? Its just my two cents..