aystro Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hi guys, I Am a 22 year old international student in London and I am very sentimental. The city seems to be full with people to meet, but for me basically all the girls are "down to earth". I am unable to actually connect with any girl on a deep emotional level. I have no idea how I could find one. It's like I need somebody from an other planet I got the feeling some times... Could anybody recommend anything? Link to post Share on other sites
deebeechrisyo Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hrmmm, I would steer clear of the emotional talk and save it for when you are actually in a relationship. Keep it casual especially when you first meet someone. What does your typical conversation go like when you first approach a girl? Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 What does your typical conversation go like when you first approach a girl? that's a good question! i have a suggestion.. do you have meetups, like meetup.com where you are? there's lots of philosophy groups and stuff like that on there with people that like to chat about "deep stuff".. and hey, where does "down to earth" come from?.. cause i like to think of that as a good thing! if women are telling you that they are too "down to earth" to talk about what you want to talk about, you might have misdiagnosed your problem! Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 What does your typical conversation go like when you first approach a girl? Depends on where you are.. if its a club or bar.. don't talk about anything specific. Do not ask her about work.. thats the last thing anyone wants to talk about when they are trying to have a good time. Limit it to what do you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 My perspective on the issue might be a little different... Whenever I'm talking with a guy and esoteric stuff comes up, It's usually going to be a LONG conversation that never gets to a point. This is when a guy starts to talk loudly using his hands about the big picture, and it's about the point when anything I have to say on the issue goes by the wayside because he has so much information he wants to get out of his head. Sometimes it is in fact a brilliant speech that will open my mind to the world, and it's important to me that a guy at least PONDER about these things once in a while. I'm going to call it how it is: there are so many guys who will bring up philosophy, creationism, buddhism and quantum physics at the same time. CERTAIN guys know when an appropriate time to bring up this hours long conversation, but most do not. Let's say for instance, a guy is at a loud bar. He's buzzed, and he brings up quantum physics and how it applies to creationism. I'm out of there not because I'm not interested in the subjects, but because he's using it to boost his ego and look deep/smart. I am not going to spend the time that I could use to unwind from work and have stupid fun listening to a conversation that will last a long time that will get to no point, because it's all theoretical anyway. Also, I don't want to head trip and think about Buddhism when I'm trying to block out my life by finding stuff to laugh at. I personally have read a ton of books about this stuff, and am genuinely interested but sometimes I don't want to think about it. I think you will find that a lot of women have these feelings and share your interests, but will only want to talk about these things when you both have the time to kill. For example, if you and a girl find a rooftop and decide to take a few beers and look at the stars for a few hours, it's an appropriate time to have a deep conversation like that. Trying to talk about these things when there is not adequate time, or when you first meet someone, is honestly just an ego stroker and doesn't do the subjects justice. Keep this in mind, and you might find that some women are deeper than you would have imagined. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Hmm...I realized that I might be slightly off of the topic on the last post... If I was off base, I'll tell you this: Women are deep and sentimental by nature, but when they first meet someone, they usually just want to laugh. This creates trust in their eyes. So, find a girl that will laugh at your jokes, who feels comfortable with you. From there, I'm sure she will open up and you will find more emotional intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
cognac Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 My perspective on the issue might be a little different... Whenever I'm talking with a guy and esoteric stuff comes up, It's usually going to be a LONG conversation that never gets to a point. This is when a guy starts to talk loudly using his hands about the big picture, and it's about the point when anything I have to say on the issue goes by the wayside because he has so much information he wants to get out of his head. Sometimes it is in fact a brilliant speech that will open my mind to the world, and it's important to me that a guy at least PONDER about these things once in a while. I'm going to call it how it is: there are so many guys who will bring up philosophy, creationism, buddhism and quantum physics at the same time. CERTAIN guys know when an appropriate time to bring up this hours long conversation, but most do not. Let's say for instance, a guy is at a loud bar. He's buzzed, and he brings up quantum physics and how it applies to creationism. I'm out of there not because I'm not interested in the subjects, but because he's using it to boost his ego and look deep/smart. I am not going to spend the time that I could use to unwind from work and have stupid fun listening to a conversation that will last a long time that will get to no point, because it's all theoretical anyway. Also, I don't want to head trip and think about Buddhism when I'm trying to block out my life by finding stuff to laugh at. I personally have read a ton of books about this stuff, and am genuinely interested but sometimes I don't want to think about it. I think you will find that a lot of women have these feelings and share your interests, but will only want to talk about these things when you both have the time to kill. For example, if you and a girl find a rooftop and decide to take a few beers and look at the stars for a few hours, it's an appropriate time to have a deep conversation like that. Trying to talk about these things when there is not adequate time, or when you first meet someone, is honestly just an ego stroker and doesn't do the subjects justice. Keep this in mind, and you might find that some women are deeper than you would have imagined. Personally I don't think most women are as interested in these subjects as men are, which is why they get bored with it. When I'm at the bar with my friends, we talk about things like that, and manage to make it interesting and funny as well. Women don't seem to have a problem having deep emotional conversations about Brangelina, but talking about things that are deep worries them and makes them uncomfortable because it is hard to be a thinker. Not all women, but the majority in my experience. I don't think the problem is the guy talking, the problem is that you are just not interested in the topic. Not to bash you of course, when women start to talk about celebrities, clothes, or gossip for al ong period of time, I feel the same way. Just not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Maybe lighten up a little? Link to post Share on other sites
temple Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I'd say join a university sports club or society. You'll get to know like minded people, I'm sure. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Personally I don't think most women are as interested in these subjects as men are, which is why they get bored with it. When I'm at the bar with my friends, we talk about things like that, and manage to make it interesting and funny as well. Women don't seem to have a problem having deep emotional conversations about Brangelina, but talking about things that are deep worries them and makes them uncomfortable because it is hard to be a thinker. Not all women, but the majority in my experience. I don't think the problem is the guy talking, the problem is that you are just not interested in the topic. Not to bash you of course, when women start to talk about celebrities, clothes, or gossip for al ong period of time, I feel the same way. Just not interested. The key word words here are "You and your friends." If you have the ability to talk about this stuff between three different guys and not have a shouting match, trying to talk over each other, you're probably genuinely interested in a debate. Also, you know your friends already so you're interested in what they have to say about it. I'm talking about the guy who meets a girl for the first time and tries to one-up her or talk using diction that is way higher than necessary when you're first meeting someone at a bar. It's not that the subject is dull or that it's not impressive to have a large vocabulary, it's the intent behind using it immediately with a stranger that's telling. I have friends who I would love to discuss creationism with, because I know that they aren't talking AT me and are open minded about someone else's opinion. As a women, I have heard many opening conversations that men will begin with when generally picking up on ladies. Some will bring up how much money they have. Some will bring up their job. Some will compliment you and ask you how you're doing. Some will bring up creationism or something that instantly requires a long conversation or debate. Nine times out of ten, men who instantly talk to me about creationism or physics at a bar talk AT me, giving me a lecture. Their mind is not open to my opinion because the intent is not to have a debate or an open mind, but to try to impress me with knowledge that they deem women to think is "Over their head," usually about God, math or science. Talk about Bradgelina, clothing, or gossip is actually more appropriate when first meeting somebody because the conversation can last five minutes and both parties will be satisfied with the result because it's too stupid to argue about, and you get a taste of the other person's humor. Anyone who talks about Bradgelina or decorating their house longer than ten minutes has lost my ears, though. I need to know someone for more than a few minutes in order to let them know about my beliefs, loves, fears and emotions. I would certainly prefer initial bar conversations to be more shallow and humor-based. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 OP, IME, what you are seeing as 'shallow' emotionally is the lubricant of social interaction. You can fight it or you can go with it and learn to 'fit in' without losing your unique capabilities and desires. I fought it and remained alone for many years, even decades. Up to you. What I do now to keep those skills from getting rusty while divorcing is to travel and talk with complete strangers as often as possible. Otherwise, I sense myself going back to that 'why bother with all that shallow meaningless stuff' mindset which will get me a lot of alone time with my cat. Just go to a pub and observe. People won't think you're weird. In fact, they won't even notice you, which is another bit of valuable information to process. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Connecting with someone on a deep and emotional level is something that takes time and vulnerability. In order to have the vulnerability you need trust. That is not going to be built on one or two interactions. Just try to have fun. Be yourself. With time comes emotional deepness...and besides...if a deep emotional connection is built on one or two interactions...it is not genuine. That may be the issue. If a woman senses that you are trying for this deep connection too soon, then they think something is off...so just keep it nice and easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aystro Posted December 15, 2009 Author Share Posted December 15, 2009 My biggest issue in life is not understanding people. In particular what they want and why they do certain things. Some times it feels like I am born without that part of the brain that communicates well. The only people I seem to get are very strange people with a lot of problems. But even they seem to push them selves away from me. Some times when I start to overanalyse people, I do understand them. And I even understand what they want. But as soon as I start giving them what they want it feels like work and I do not get any euphoric feelings from it unless the person has the same sensitivity level as me. I see people as ungrateful... My biggest gift is the emotions that I can give, not "materialistic love". I trust people very quickly and subconciously I expect people to be the same. For this reason I start to talk about serious and emotional subjects initially. I am very intense and "firey", yet I have an incredibly deep level of sensitivity. The latter gives the me the ability to look through a persons soul in a very short time some times I just 'know' it without even talking to the person. But what I cannot tell is the objective actions such as what the person wants in life... This sense does disrupt me often because I just see the reality that most people are selfish and rarely care about somebody emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Turn down the volume and you'll feel a lot better. For myself, that took psychological therapy. Accept who you are and mold your behaviors to fit into mutually healthy relationships. The mutual part is the important part. If you do not desire mutual, then continue on your current path. Solitude will be your gift, and it is, sometimes. I'm 50 and have lived it. Hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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