emotionally abusive relationship

[ssuzanness]

so i go to the sex offenders web site, to see his pic. it makes me cry...the shirt he has on in the pic he used to wear if we went out somewhere nice....i just wanted to see him ..and i knew his pic was there........how f-ed up is that? damn!!!!!!!!!!!

[Angel1111]

so i go to the sex offenders web site, to see his pic. it makes me cry...the shirt he has on in the pic he used to wear if we went out somewhere nice....i just wanted to see him ..and i knew his pic was there........how f-ed up is that? damn!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, that's about as screwed up as things can get. Ok, this is really screwed up, too - did you notice that Charlie Sheen and his wife are going to the judge today to remove the restraining order against him so that they can 'work on their marriage'. It completely nauseates me. I have completely lost respect for him and I used to think he was a great guy. I think nothing of him now. He held a knife to her throat and she's giving him another chance. Sit back and watch this show because it won't be long until she's calling 911 again - if she's not dead first.

 

At least you understand that your behavior is just a few notches away from normal. Seriously, he's on a sex offender site? Freakin' amazing. It doesn't matter what shirt he's wearing, the guy is a loser. So, he dresses up when he's going to assault someone? Please put a stop to these warm and fuzzy feelings you have for him. You control your thoughts and feelings - did you know that? You control this. Make a decision to see him for who he is. He's a liar and an abuser and he plays head games. Walk away from this insanity.

Edited February 8, 2010 by Angel1111

[ssuzanness]

some days i can totally want nothing to do with him...

other days....i just want to be with him and have fun...like i've said i so miss the really fun times....

stupid valentines day is getting to me i think...

can i get hypnotized or something that would totally erase all memories of him...?

[freestyle]

Yeah, there's times I wish I could erase some of my memories. I know how you feel.

 

But now, I choose to view it from the perspective of having attained a greater wisdom and insight. And a much greater strength, that comes from knowing what my boundaries are.

 

This might sound silly, and you might be too young to remember these, but when I was young there was a toy ............an inflatable clown that stood 3 or 4 feet high, that was attached to these huge cardboard feet.

No matter how hard you tried to knock the clown over, it always sprang right back upright again. It wobbled and weaved, but there was no keeping that clown on the ground indefinitely.

 

When I feel down, or someone tries to put me down, I picture myself as being that clown....(with better hair...) I know I can always find my own balance point again.

 

You'll get there dear, you really,really, will. It's a process.Baby steps,baby steps. But getting stronger with each step. You will look in the mirror and see yourself through your own eyes, again.

 

(((((((hugs)))))))

[ssuzanness]

thank you freestyle....just going through some bad days....wanting to talk to him..stupidly thinking he's "better"....I KNOW BETTER though..

[Calendula]

I think it might help you to read up on Assertiveness Training. To quote Wikipedia:

 

An assertive style of behavior is to interact with people while standing up for your rights. Being assertive is to one's benefit most of the time but it does not mean that one always gets what he/she wants. The result of being assertive is that

1. You feel good about yourself
   
2. Other people know how to deal with you and there is nothing vague about dealing with you.
   

You can start with this link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2998551

 

At the beginning of the page it says the following:

"Assertiveness training does not teach the student to be aggressive, loud, or bullying, although it may well help them to stand up to those who are. Assertiveness is not about trying to dominate others: it is a more a matter of resisting those who seek to dominate and manipulate you."

 

I would say that this ex of yours is seeking to dominate you and manipulate you, and the fact that it as been going on for 2+ months now tells me that you are still trying to find a way of changing how you think to keep this person from having such an effect on you. Change takes time, but it is a fact of life and we can control and influence the direction in which we choose to change. If you want to be strong and free from your thoughts of this man, you will become so. You just have to believe in yourself and your ability to do anything you set your mind to.

[ssuzanness]

hi everyone!!! here's an update.... i am doing much much better!! by the help of all of you, reading, my thearapist, i have gained a lot of strength. being away from the abusiver has made me feel so much better about myself. I do occasioally speak with him....but it doesn't faze me...i don't feel as if i want to be with him, i know now how he "operates". i feel as if i am finally in control! I can't believe it! I'm so happy to have "found" all of you...your words of wisdom and experience got and still get me through one of the most difficult times in my life. thank you thank you thank you. i hope i continue feeling better and never fall into that hell again......giant hugs to all

[freestyle]

Hey suzanne......

 

How are things, I've been wondering about you.I saw you post on another thread here recently, so good to know you're back around.

 

How about an update?I'm wishing my very best for you...........

[ssuzanness]

hi freestyle!! thanks for your care. i am doing very well ..thanks...but i never couldhave doen it without your help and the others on here that helped me. i do occasionally speak to him ( the abuser) but it has no effect on me whatsoever. I do not feel like i need to be with him, or love him, or anything. I feel 100% better about myself! Not having someone putting you down all the time really helps. My family says i look better too!! thank you so much for everything.

[kdark]

This was a great read. I'm glad everything is working out for you.

[sugarmomma]

So glad to hear that you are taking control of your own destiny and not leaving in the hands of someone who has absolutely no idea what to do with it!!!

 

You deserve the best and don't settle for anything less.

[soconfused01]

Good for you OP, I'm 9 months out of my abusive relationship and feeling very down at the moment, so this was a very helpful thread to read, and giving me new strength. Don't feel as alone now.

[Weird]

I really need people here to explain the thought process when it comes to staying with people who emotionally abuse you. I ask this because I know a woman (an ex) who just got out of one and we *might* try things out again in the future but I am having a hard time trying to understand why she feels the way she does about her recent ex/2 yr abusive relationship that ended 4 months ago and why she can't look at the potential with me and be elated over that since it has been one crazy journey between us to where we are now.

 

One thing I have noticed is that people in these types of relationships make rash decisions. The OP moved in with a guy 3 months in and my ex who btw is very intelligent made an apparent career change (went back to school for it) and moved where the guy was going to school (far away from her family/friends) and moved in with him for half a year despite everyone telling her not to. She did this despite being abused at the time and implied she did it to try and strengthen things.

 

She is still messed up 4 months later to the point that her self esteem (according to her) is shattered, she is jaded about relationships/love, she can't take any compliments seriously, she's in therapy and I have said so much nice stuff to her but it basically falls on deaf ears. Now the thing is I have known her for almost half her life (14 years) and when we were together 7-9 years ago it involved many special "firsts" so it isn't like I am some new guy she can be skeptical of.

 

So what goes on in the mind? Both in how do you not see you are being put down, why do you stay when things are obviously messed up and then when things are over how does it linger for so long? I am not saying this in an insulting way but merely trying to understand.

 

I guess I am curious is it more an anger thing that you made a mistake being with that person and "let" yourself continue to be abused? Basically, do you feel ashamed you got suckered in and that lowers your self esteem because you think why should you deserve love if you would stay with someone who puts you down? Or, is it more anger that the guy you thought was so great was a douche and you wish he was Mr. Perfect?

 

The thing with my situation is I just don't understand so I often think about it and take it personally and get a bit upset at it. I tend to think why isn't this woman who KNOWS me and knows I am a great guy (I never did anything but love her before and even over the years from the breakup I continually gave her compliments and showed care) more excited about what may be between us after all these years apart (it's like a fate thing) and why can't I trump this douche when she knows I'm way better than he is and knows what I can offer? I wonder if she is simply upset the guy she had this future planned out with was a prick or if she is angry that she let herself get involved with him and stuck with him so basically just angry at herself. She has said she wishes she could erase all memories concerning him from her mind but I again don't know if that means she wishes she could erase her mistake or if she simply doesn't want to think about this guy at all and remember the good times they had to go with the reality that he was a prick to her.

 

I really do not know how to go about things. I have told her I will wait until she is "healed" but then I wonder if maybe she is just keeping me there as an extra person for support because ever since I expressed my feelings/desire to try things out with her she has basically just talked about her drama and our contact has decreased since then, being a month since I told her my feelings. She has implied she sees how amazing I am and wants to try things out again but at this time she just doesn't feel that right now and she says that sucks. She also has implied she doesn't want to drag me down as she is dealing with all this....so I don't know if the less contact is simply her trying to keep me from all this because she really cares and really wants to pursue things with me in the future or if she simply was pulling my chain earlier when she said she had the interest because I basically told her if she can only ever see me on a platonic level with no shot ever at trying things out again then I am not interested in talking anymore since I'm one of those who thinks exes being friends is just weird and has no purpose.

 

I am pretty sure I am the only "good" guy she has ever dated before/after our relationship (and she truly realizes this) so I wonder if maybe part of her issue now is that she just doesn't understand why she has got involved with losers that don't treat her well.

 

So any insight would be much appreciated both because I am genuinely interested as well as I have no idea how to go about handling my situation.

[freestyle]

I really need people here to explain the thought process when it comes to staying with people who emotionally abuse you. I ask this because I know a woman (an ex) who just got out of one and we *might* try things out again in the future but I am having a hard time trying to understand why she feels the way she does about her recent ex/2 yr abusive relationship that ended 4 months ago and why she can't look at the potential with me and be elated over that since it has been one crazy journey between us to where we are now.

 

One thing I have noticed is that people in these types of relationships make rash decisions. The OP moved in with a guy 3 months in and my ex who btw is very intelligent made an apparent career change (went back to school for it) and moved where the guy was going to school (far away from her family/friends) and moved in with him for half a year despite everyone telling her not to. She did this despite being abused at the time and implied she did it to try and strengthen things.

 

She is still messed up 4 months later to the point that her self esteem (according to her) is shattered, she is jaded about relationships/love, she can't take any compliments seriously, she's in therapy and I have said so much nice stuff to her but it basically falls on deaf ears. Now the thing is I have known her for almost half her life (14 years) and when we were together 7-9 years ago it involved many special "firsts" so it isn't like I am some new guy she can be skeptical of.

 

So what goes on in the mind? Both in how do you not see you are being put down, why do you stay when things are obviously messed up and then when things are over how does it linger for so long? I am not saying this in an insulting way but merely trying to understand.

 

I guess I am curious is it more an anger thing that you made a mistake being with that person and "let" yourself continue to be abused? Basically, do you feel ashamed you got suckered in and that lowers your self esteem because you think why should you deserve love if you would stay with someone who puts you down? Or, is it more anger that the guy you thought was so great was a douche and you wish he was Mr. Perfect?

 

The thing with my situation is I just don't understand so I often think about it and take it personally and get a bit upset at it. I tend to think why isn't this woman who KNOWS me and knows I am a great guy (I never did anything but love her before and even over the years from the breakup I continually gave her compliments and showed care) more excited about what may be between us after all these years apart (it's like a fate thing) and why can't I trump this douche when she knows I'm way better than he is and knows what I can offer? I wonder if she is simply upset the guy she had this future planned out with was a prick or if she is angry that she let herself get involved with him and stuck with him so basically just angry at herself. She has said she wishes she could erase all memories concerning him from her mind but I again don't know if that means she wishes she could erase her mistake or if she simply doesn't want to think about this guy at all and remember the good times they had to go with the reality that he was a prick to her.

 

I really do not know how to go about things. I have told her I will wait until she is "healed" but then I wonder if maybe she is just keeping me there as an extra person for support because ever since I expressed my feelings/desire to try things out with her she has basically just talked about her drama and our contact has decreased since then, being a month since I told her my feelings. She has implied she sees how amazing I am and wants to try things out again but at this time she just doesn't feel that right now and she says that sucks. She also has implied she doesn't want to drag me down as she is dealing with all this....so I don't know if the less contact is simply her trying to keep me from all this because she really cares and really wants to pursue things with me in the future or if she simply was pulling my chain earlier when she said she had the interest because I basically told her if she can only ever see me on a platonic level with no shot ever at trying things out again then I am not interested in talking anymore since I'm one of those who thinks exes being friends is just weird and has no purpose.

 

I am pretty sure I am the only "good" guy she has ever dated before/after our relationship (and she truly realizes this) so I wonder if maybe part of her issue now is that she just doesn't understand why she has got involved with losers that don't treat her well.

 

So any insight would be much appreciated both because I am genuinely interested as well as I have no idea how to go about handling my situation.

 

If she's only 4 months out of that abusive relationship, she may very well still have a long road of healing ahead of her. I'd venture to guess that she realizes how convoluted her thinking is (a by-product of the emotional abuse) and doesn't trust herself to make important decisions yet.

 

She needs to reclaim her self-esteem before she knows who she is again, it's part of the process.On her own timetable.

 

It's really hard to explain it to someone who hasn't actually experienced it.

You might be able to sympathize, but I don't believe anyone can truly empathize unless they've lived through it themselves.

 

IMO, the best you can do is provide assurance that you care, and will be there for her if she needs you, ...........

 

..but don't expect her to be able to meet your needs----her focus needs to be on herself, she needs to fix herself before she can truly give to a relationship, and be an equal partner.

 

If you're curious to gain more insight, I'd recommend going to some of the other forums online for abuse recovery----read some other stories, it may give you a better window into what happens to a person's thought processes when they experience long-term emotional abuse.I don't mean to diminish anyone who's experienced physical abuse, but I'm of the opinion that emotional abuse can leave much deeper, longer-lasting scars.

 

If someone punches you---there's no confusion--you see their true colors, and then you can make an informed decision about whether to keep them in your life or not.

 

If someone puts you down, consistently, gaslights you, insists that YOU'RE the one with the problem, belittles, criticizes, demeans, patronizes, you, talks to you like you're dumb, etc., it can be even more damaging. More insidious....covert aggression coming from someone who claims to love you, who treats you well half the time creates more of a mind-f*ck.What often happens is the person's self-esteem gets so badly-eroded, that they fall into the trap of trying to prove themselves to their abuser. If a person labels you and defines you, isn't it a knee-jerk reaction to say, "no, you got me all wrong, here, let me show you....." They hang on in the relationship, hoping to regain the "wonderful' person they initially fell for.Not realizing that they fell for an illusion, a facade presented by a disordered personality, designed to hook someone in.

 

(that's probably why your friend moved in with the guy, even though things were already bad. There's a very common misconception that an abuser will change if you simply throw more love at them. Doesn't work.Often times it will actually increase the contempt that the abuser harbors towards the victim.I know, it's twisted, convoluted........but so are the perceptions and thought processes of an abusive personality.)

 

Bottom-line, I don't believe your friend is any shape to make important decisions, when she's only four months out of an abusive relationship.That's probably why she's keeping you at arm's length right now. Even if you're not actually pressuring her, she might perceive it that way. She needs to get to a place where she hears her own voice, first, before she can make sound decisions.

 

I commend you for your compassion towards her, and if you really want to understand what she's been through---do some more reading..and be very, very, patient.

 

 

 

 

[Weird]

freestyle,

 

thank you so much for your insightful post.

 

I am trying to be patient and not take things personally but it is very hard. Hard because I love her so much and just want to be with her and know she'd be happy and would see how she is supposed to be treated and I just see how this other guy left his crap in her mind and it bugs me and I just wish my positive feelings and thoughts could trump his negative crap. It is also hard because as I stated, her and I have a romantic past and it involved "firsts" and I just see how she got so involved with a loser and wonder why when she HAD better. Over the years since our relationship it is clear she has thought about me and I just don't get why during her time with that guy she wouldn't have thought about our relationship and not used it as a guideline of how she is supposed to be treated. Even over the last 7 years when she'd contact me out of the blue I'd be complimentary to her and wouldn't criticize her so I just try and wonder why she couldn't have thought about all this when she was with that guy and got out early. I think one of the issues though is there were superficial things regarding the guy she liked (ie the career he was learning) and that probably kept her in it (from what she said even her friends said this stuff to her) which is a shame because she's too old to be acting like that....teenage or even early 20s girls are supposed to go for that crap at the expense of being treated well not those closing in on 30.

 

I guess I just don't understand how she could have "loved" a guy like that after someone like me and while it may be wrong, I feel a bit offended that her "love" for that guy may have been greater than her love for me (given the decisions she made while with him and how his impact is sticking with her while my positive impact didn't matter while she was with him and isn't doing much now) and I wonder how that could be when I didn't do anything to her. True, her and I were together years ago and things change and people become more tolerant as they mature but still, it goes through my mind and it sucks to have that thought since I know she wishes she never met this guy at all while there I am, still in her life over all these years of us getting in touch trying to be "friends" then things going to crap. I look at how she says she has an interest in us getting back together now and while this makes me happy, at the same time it just makes me bummed out because I think again, why was she with that guy if she can view me in a romantic way and figure that probably meant she still had some feelings leftover all these years.

 

Another thing that sucks/hurts is again, we have the past and I came before this guy and have known her for so long so how come all the loving things I say can't be taken at face value...if I was a new guy then I could understand wondering if I was blowing smoke up her ass but she has known me for half her life and I have never done anything shady to her or anything to make her doubt me yet it doesn't seem to matter nor does the positive stuff other friends/family say to her. I know it doesn't work this way but it is hard to really get my mind around since it is so illogical as I just don't get how 1 person you have known for a little over 2 years can con you and overpower everyone else.

 

I just hope I can show the patience needed with all this. I am not really going to contact her and just let her decide when she wants to talk to me. This way I figure she can just focus on her "issues", I won't be in a position to say stuff out of impatience which could make her feel worse or make things go to crap, and I also will be at a bit of distance so if I end up getting screwed over by her changing her mind I won't have been so invested and be resentful at that. The negative of this is she could see me not making a big effort to stay in touch and thinks I don't care but I'm willing to take the chance as I have stated many times over the last 4 weeks my feelings so either she believes me or she doesn't.

 

I just hope that the result of all this will be us being together and I can give her the love and happiness she deserves and in a way she will be glad that

"fate" brought us back together even if it was along a bumpy road, specifically for her.

[sugarmomma]

I really need people here to explain the thought process when it comes to staying with people who emotionally abuse you. I ask this because I know a woman (an ex) who just got out of one and we *might* try things out again in the future but I am having a hard time trying to understand why she feels the way she does about her recent ex/2 yr abusive relationship that ended 4 months ago and why she can't look at the potential with me and be elated over that since it has been one crazy journey between us to where we are now.

 

One thing I have noticed is that people in these types of relationships make rash decisions. The OP moved in with a guy 3 months in and my ex who btw is very intelligent made an apparent career change (went back to school for it) and moved where the guy was going to school (far away from her family/friends) and moved in with him for half a year despite everyone telling her not to. She did this despite being abused at the time and implied she did it to try and strengthen things.

 

She is still messed up 4 months later to the point that her self esteem (according to her) is shattered, she is jaded about relationships/love, she can't take any compliments seriously, she's in therapy and I have said so much nice stuff to her but it basically falls on deaf ears. Now the thing is I have known her for almost half her life (14 years) and when we were together 7-9 years ago it involved many special "firsts" so it isn't like I am some new guy she can be skeptical of.

 

So what goes on in the mind? Both in how do you not see you are being put down, why do you stay when things are obviously messed up and then when things are over how does it linger for so long? I am not saying this in an insulting way but merely trying to understand.

 

I guess I am curious is it more an anger thing that you made a mistake being with that person and "let" yourself continue to be abused? Basically, do you feel ashamed you got suckered in and that lowers your self esteem because you think why should you deserve love if you would stay with someone who puts you down? Or, is it more anger that the guy you thought was so great was a douche and you wish he was Mr. Perfect?

 

The thing with my situation is I just don't understand so I often think about it and take it personally and get a bit upset at it. I tend to think why isn't this woman who KNOWS me and knows I am a great guy (I never did anything but love her before and even over the years from the breakup I continually gave her compliments and showed care) more excited about what may be between us after all these years apart (it's like a fate thing) and why can't I trump this douche when she knows I'm way better than he is and knows what I can offer? I wonder if she is simply upset the guy she had this future planned out with was a prick or if she is angry that she let herself get involved with him and stuck with him so basically just angry at herself. She has said she wishes she could erase all memories concerning him from her mind but I again don't know if that means she wishes she could erase her mistake or if she simply doesn't want to think about this guy at all and remember the good times they had to go with the reality that he was a prick to her.

 

I really do not know how to go about things. I have told her I will wait until she is "healed" but then I wonder if maybe she is just keeping me there as an extra person for support because ever since I expressed my feelings/desire to try things out with her she has basically just talked about her drama and our contact has decreased since then, being a month since I told her my feelings. She has implied she sees how amazing I am and wants to try things out again but at this time she just doesn't feel that right now and she says that sucks. She also has implied she doesn't want to drag me down as she is dealing with all this....so I don't know if the less contact is simply her trying to keep me from all this because she really cares and really wants to pursue things with me in the future or if she simply was pulling my chain earlier when she said she had the interest because I basically told her if she can only ever see me on a platonic level with no shot ever at trying things out again then I am not interested in talking anymore since I'm one of those who thinks exes being friends is just weird and has no purpose.

 

I am pretty sure I am the only "good" guy she has ever dated before/after our relationship (and she truly realizes this) so I wonder if maybe part of her issue now is that she just doesn't understand why she has got involved with losers that don't treat her well.

 

So any insight would be much appreciated both because I am genuinely interested as well as I have no idea how to go about handling my situation.[/

 

 

Can you start a new thread??

[ssuzanness]

hey everyone who has helped me so much!!

just want to let you know i am doing well....yay!!

very rarely think of him, wish it was never, but i don't know...cause there are so many places in this town that remind of him/us. not really good memories either. I so also fear of running in to him..so i sometimes avoid things to prevent this from happening.....

but all in all i am doing better....

[freestyle]

Hey Suzanness!!!

 

This is great news!!!

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better, I was a little concerned that we hadn't heard from you in a while, but perhaps it was more healing for you to not be focused on him all the time........it's all good.

 

If you ever do find yourself being weak about him, this thread will still be here, and you can get a reality check anytime you need it.

 

Thanks for taking the time to update, it's wonderful to see a success story, especially in this section.Drop in anytime, and say hi.........

 

best wishes...~~~FS

[Angel1111]

I've learned that anyone we allow into our lives will always make a mark on us in one way or another, and we will think about them at one time or another. That's just the way it is. I think of my ex and can hardly remember any good times with him because his awful behavior oivershadows everything else. But I don't think of him that often and I especially don't have to deal with him on a day-to-day basis. It's a huge relief and, looking back now - 6 yrs since our divorce - I know that it was the absolute best thing I ever did for myself.

 

I'm really glad to hear you're doing well. You should be proud of the courage it took to walk away from that relationship. A LOT of people can't do it and end up wasting years and years of their lives. I'm really proud of you!

[ssuzanness]

THANKS !! freestyle and angel...and everyone else that helped me....there is no way i could have done it without your help!!!!

[ssuzanness]

thinking about him.....

i don't know why , but i've been thinking about him a lot lately, even having dreams...of the good times...i have even go so far as to text him. he doesn't usually reply. im sure im just feeding his ego...ugh!!

im in a relationship with a nice guy now. he treats me really well....but sometimes i feel SO BORED!!! i think that's when i start wanting to talk to the abuser guy....

i thought maybe someone could give me some insight and talk some sense into me......

thanks

[Angel1111]

Either you enjoy drama, or you've forgotten how horrible this guy made you feel. This may surprise you but just because you're not happy in your current relationship, doesn't mean you need to go back to sleeping with the devil. I hate to say it, ssuzanness, but I'm really disappointed in you. If you want to go back to that guy, then do it. But you can't say that your eyes aren't wide open. Personally, I'd take boring over insanity any day. If you're not happy in your current relationship, that's no reason to go back to sleeping with the devil.

[ssuzanness]

Thanks...i WILL NOT go back to the devil!!! I am happy in my current relationship, but just get bored sometimes. You are right, boring is much better than insanity, and not eating, and worrying all the time for my safety and my family's safety!!!! and all the other bad things!!! I also read through my thread again, and it woke me up to my ridiculous thinking!!! Thank you for being there.....

I needed to hear your words of wisdom and i appreciate it!!!! thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!

[Angel1111]

Yea, there's nothing like reviewing that stuff to wake yourself up. Please don't ever text that guy again. If you're bored, find something that interests you and that you have a passion for. It's not up to our relationship partner to keep us entertained and excited about life all the time. That's your job.

[Cuccoon]

I totally relate to your entire thread and thank you it has help shed light on my own patterns with my ex. I invite you to check out "love addicts annonymous" - http://loveaddicts.org/laahome.html ...it describes so many things you talk about and that I go through too - the boredom, addiction to ups and downs, etc - I hope it helps. Not a lot of people know about that group but it has helped me get out of my abusive relaitonship!

BEst to you. hugs.