Be careful what you wish for..xMM has been caught!

[hopeless4u]

So I go to work as usual this morning. Had lots of intense conversations with xMM over the weekend, nothing new there.

 

He had to take his car the garage early and would then be in the office, so, as usual txt him this morning saying 'wakey, wakey there is work to be done!! x x'

Nothing unusual as he is late for everything so expected a call or txt saying he was running late.....my mobile rang with a number that wasn't in my phonebook (I just thought it was sales), I answered and a voice asked me 'who is this?', I say 'err you phoned me?' voice said 'yeah and who are you?'....the penny drops and I hang up!

 

So like I say, be careful what you wish for, I wanted the W to know that xMM has been unfaithful but when it came to it I couldn't even speak to her!!

 

xMM came to the office at lunchtime, filled me in on the lies he has told and said she will not stop until she has spoken to me (had txt's and calls all day).

 

I have told him if I speak to her I will tell her the truth, he has told her its been going on since the summer, not sure if she know's we have slept together or how intense the A was.

 

She went straight to his mother(who thinks the sun shines from his backside and is quite frail) and told her what a **** he is and has told him he must tell his children tonight what he has done. Not sure how this will help but I hope she doesn't make him follow through as its not the kids business at the moment, hopefully thats the anger.

 

Anyway I have know idea what is going on at the moment except he is probably begging for forgiveness right now.

 

He said he is going to tell his mum everything, the whole story right from the start as she asked him this morning if he was having an A, he said no (which is strictly true) but feels he owes her the full story.

 

Babbling a bit now so any views welcome. I know I should just tell her the truth about everything but I want to give him the chance to come clean by himself.

 

Just to add, I did say to him I wouldn't lie to her and obviously I have her mobile number now and he said it was up to me and I had to do what I needed.

He hasn't thrown me under a bus as I knew he wanted to try to make his M work, this has just made him face up to things and at least his W has some of the facts now.

[NEVERINTENDEDTHIS]

Wow H4u! I have wished the same thing about my xAP. Except I go a little deeper that I hope one day he gets involved with a really crazy women who will let the ball drop!

 

All I can say is good luck with what you decide to do. That has got to be A hard decision to make as to what to tell her. Maybe I missed it but how did she have his phone? My cell phone is what got me caught by my husband which now I'm glad after all the stuff I've been through with this affair.

 

Keep us posted!

[Spark1111]

It would take a lot of courage to tell the BS the truth. At least he isn't calling you all day trying to get your stories straight in anticipation of her next phone call.

 

Good luck to you! I, as the BS, would want to know everything because I would not trust ONE WORD coming out of his mouth at DDay.

 

But then, I'dhave to wonder if I would have trusted anything she told me, because I knew she wanted to preserve the affair!

 

So, tough decision. I hope you err on the side of truth, because one day, you should be proud you took the high road, no matter what the outcome is for them.

[hopeless4u]

Wow H4u! I have wished the same thing about my xAP. Except I go a little deeper that I hope one day he gets involved with a really crazy women who will let the ball drop!

 

All I can say is good luck with what you decide to do. That has got to be A hard decision to make as to what to tell her. Maybe I missed it but how did she have his phone? My cell phone is what got me caught by my husband which now I'm glad after all the stuff I've been through with this affair.

 

Keep us posted!

 

He said she has caught him txting a few times over the last few weeks and he just made excuses, she was obviously suspicious and went downstairs before him this morning(his phone is usually off while charging and he usually txt's me 1st)

I txt and she opened it and then rang me, because I hung up she was even more suspicious and then she rang from his phone, the house phone and the home office phone, all numbers I know so I didn't answer.

[norajane]

xMM came to the office at lunchtime, filled me in on the lies he has told and said she will not stop until she has spoken to me (had txt's and calls all day).

 

He's telling her lies even though he got caught? What a piece of...work he is.

[Hazyhead]

God! You must be a bag of nerves! I agree that you should tell the truth, and I don't think, in the long run, he would blame you for doing so. I think if you did comply with his lies she would still be suspicious anyway and the situation would be even more stressful for her than it already is. Look after yourself Hopeless. Best of luck!

[PhoenixRise]

Hopeless

 

I get it that your loyalty is to him. But I hope that you bring yourself to talk to her sooner rather than later and that you tell her the truth.

 

AND since MM says she won't stop until she does talk to you, it might be better to answer her phone call rather than risking her surprising you and showing up in person.

 

Try to remember when/if you do talk to her the things you have posted about what he is doing to her. She is bound to be very emotional. Not saying that you should accept abuse, just saying try to be as understanding as you can

( I have a feeling you will be compassionate)

 

Good luck.

[hopeless4u]

It would take a lot of courage to tell the BS the truth. At least he isn't calling you all day trying to get your stories straight in anticipation of her next phone call.

 

Good luck to you! I, as the BS, would want to know everything because I would not trust ONE WORD coming out of his mouth at DDay.

 

But then, I'dhave to wonder if I would have trusted anything she told me, because I knew she wanted to preserve the affair!

 

So, tough decision. I hope you err on the side of truth, because one day, you should be proud you took the high road, no matter what the outcome is for them.

 

 

He did ring me on my office phone (she doesn't have that number)

he did suggest I say this and I say that, I just said I will not lie for him.

I left my xH for cheating and when I confronted the OW they had already got their stories straight and that was worse than hearing the truth.

 

I will not do that to her (I have done enough damage) I want to give him the chance to tell her everything, today we were both all over the place TBH.

 

He has hinted that if his W knows everything then that would finish things with us, not sure if that was a warning to me or a genuine feeling from him.

 

I am thinking with my head now, the fact that it is out really does put an end to this 1 way or the other. If he chooses to work on it then I will walk away, if she ends the M then I will be there for him but I really don't know if we'll end up together.

[PhoenixRise]

He did ring me on my office phone (she doesn't have that number)

he did suggest I say this and I say that, I just said I will not lie for him.

I left my xH for cheating and when I confronted the OW they had already got their stories straight and that was worse than hearing the truth.

 

I will not do that to her (I have done enough damage) I want to give him the chance to tell her everything, today we were both all over the place TBH.

 

He has hinted that if his W knows everything then that would finish things with us, not sure if that was a warning to me or a genuine feeling from him.

 

I am thinking with my head now, the fact that it is out really does put an end to this 1 way or the other. If he chooses to work on it then I will walk away, if she ends the M then I will be there for him but I really don't know if we'll end up together.

 

 

Why would this be the case? If the wife knows everything and ends the marriage, why wouldn't this result in an open relationship with you?

 

It sounds like he wants you to help him save his marriage although I can't imagine why since he clearly has little regard for his wife.

[sugarmomma]

Who cares if he will end it with you if you are completely honest with her? Even if you do end up with him, the chances are pretty high that his lying ways won't stop.

 

He's a liar and a cheater and he won't stop until he understands the magnitude of the pain he's causing people with his actions. And feels some of that pain himself. Don't be stupid and lie for him. He;s probably only using you anyway for an outside fantasy to buffer his reality with her. Screw him. He sounds like a great catch (NOT)!

 

So in all honestly you have nothing to lose by putting her out of her misery.

 

I think she has every right to know what he has been doing. You even said yourself how hurtful it was to be lied to by the OW.

 

Do the RIGHT thing.

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless

 

I get it that your loyalty is to him. But I hope that you bring yourself to talk to her sooner rather than later and that you tell her the truth.

 

AND since MM says she won't stop until she does talk to you, it might be better to answer her phone call rather than risking her surprising you and showing up in person.

 

Try to remember when/if you do talk to her the things you have posted about what he is doing to her. She is bound to be very emotional. Not saying that you should accept abuse, just saying try to be as understanding as you can

( I have a feeling you will be compassionate)

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks PR

 

I think thats part of the reason I hung up on her today, I wasn't ready to face the guilt I felt and the crap I've put her through. This is why If I talk to her I have to tell her the truth and that means hurting him, the man I love(I admit I don't like him, but yes I do love him)

 

Its driving me insane, she sent me a txt today, begging me to tell her if something is going on as she has been going through hell the last 7 months, my heart just broke.

[NoIDidn't]

I was going to say that he obviously did try to "get your story straight" if he called you to fill you in on what he has told her so far.

 

This is textbook.

 

He's going to do whatever he can to protect his "secret" from the Big Bad Wife.

 

I'm just glad that you told him that you will not lie for him. I think its awful that he wants you to say that its only been going on since this summer. I think you should tell her the truth about that....if she asks you, that is.

 

Good luck, HL4U. I think you are going to need it. He is likely going to get more frantic and pull away as he tries to right what he has set wrong right now.

 

(PS, I don't know how old his kids are, but I see no problem with her wanting them to know if they are older than 12. Kids are far from stupid and from some of the threads here, we can see where they knew a lot more than their wayward parent thought and felt betrayed as well when they knew why certain decisions were made.)

[whichwayisup]

Its driving me insane, she sent me a txt today, begging me to tell her if something is going on as she has been going through hell the last 7 months, my heart just broke.

 

You have a chance now to do the right thing. She is asking - begging - to know. Her heart is breaking too, so please, help her. Be honest and come clean. Answer what she needs to know and also take this opportunity to let her know how awful you feel, that you know you should not have had the A with her husband, but seeing the fallout and all the pain has made you feel alot of sympathy and empathy for her.

 

Your MM has to face up to it and with your help, maybe now everyone can grieve, heal and move on.

 

Just hope that you aren't holding hope that he will come back to you one day..

[jwi71]

So I go to work as usual this morning. Had lots of intense conversations with xMM over the weekend, nothing new there.

 

Intense conversation? What is that? About what? Can you elaborate?

 

So like I say, be careful what you wish for, I wanted the W to know that xMM has been unfaithful but when it came to it I couldn't even speak to her!!

Personally, you wanted a decision to be made. One you were and still are too weak to make. I hate to say this but I think you need to hear it. Stop being a coward. Own it. This is YOUR chance to "know". YOUR chance to "do right". YOUR chance to answer ALL your questions. YOUR chance to end this madness.

 

Now stop being WEAK and AFRAID. You can't "unspill" milk. Its done. And this is YOUR chance.

 

So enough excuses h4u...time to drag this sorry and sordid mess into the light. Time to "do right".

 

I think once you do you will begin to TRULY see the toll this takes on you. But you can't because it still bears upon you. Try getting it off your chest. Yes, the conversations with the BS will NOT be fun. That may qualify for understatement of the year. Yes, expect to be called every name in the book...and maybe a few new ones.

 

I think the benefit for YOU far outweighs the difficulty of the conversation. You won;t reap the benefits now...but you will.

 

xMM came to the office at lunchtime, filled me in on the lies he has told and said she will not stop until she has spoken to me (had txt's and calls all day).

What a guy huh?

 

Below you say you haven't been thrown under the bus. Technically that's true at this point because he is asking you to lie in front of it. Failing that...heave ho under the bus you go.

 

Trust me on that one.

 

I have told him if I speak to her I will tell her the truth, he has told her its been going on since the summer, not sure if she know's we have slept together or how intense the A was.

Then do it. You told him you would and you avoid it by not answering. STOP. Time to own your role and END it for you.

 

I know nothing I say is EASY. But I think its NECESSARY for YOU.

 

Anyway I have know idea what is going on at the moment except he is probably begging for forgiveness right now.

And expecting you to support him in his LIES. And your silence is exactly that. No way around h4u...you can't say you won't lie and do exactly that. Own it. Answer the call.

 

He said he is going to tell his mum everything, the whole story right from the start as she asked him this morning if he was having an A, he said no (which is strictly true) but feels he owes her the full story.

Not likely. Sad he feels he owes his MOM the truth but not his W or his children. And do you REALLY think he will come clean? Not likely consider he knows how his mother views him....

 

Babbling a bit now so any views welcome. I know I should just tell her the truth about everything but I want to give him the chance to come clean by himself.

Bullshyte pure and simple. When you say you"...want to give him the chance..." you are really avoiding the issue altogether. He has HAD that chance from day one. Always been there. HE CHOOSES OTHERWISE. In fact, he was just filling you in on his lies so you will support him. Stop lying to yourself. Stop avoiding this.

 

You wanted him to get caught to bring this to a head. And here it is. YOUR chance. Seize it for YOU.

 

Just to add, I did say to him I wouldn't lie to her and obviously I have her mobile number now and he said it was up to me and I had to do what I needed.

Yes. And I will support you on that. But all I or anyone can really do is say "its the right thing". YOU have to actually do it.

 

He hasn't thrown me under a bus as I knew he wanted to try to make his M work, this has just made him face up to things and at least his W has some of the facts now.

Not yet...like I said above, he is asking you to lie in front of it. If you do...you get run over. If you dont...you'll get thrown under it and run over.

 

The only way you DON'T is by making that call or answering hers.

IF you let this slip away NOTHING will change.

 

I know, you aren't having an A...but the minute you explain "intense conversations"...I think you realize you ARE.

[hopeless4u]

Why would this be the case? If the wife knows everything and ends the marriage, why wouldn't this result in an open relationship with you?

 

It sounds like he wants you to help him save his marriage although I can't imagine why since he clearly has little regard for his wife.

 

 

This is what I said to him, that its ok if I lie to her, even though that would hurt me so long as it helped his W and their M.

 

I can see it for what it is, still all over the place though, when I do speak with his W I need to be 'with it' so to speak.

[Angel1111]

Your text message was pretty funny, btw.

 

Wow, what a little mess you've gotten yourself into. This is why I never texted xMM when he was at home. A few years ago, when text messaging was a fairly new thing, I sent xMM a text message while he was out of town. It said something like, 'sweet dreams...[plus my pet name for him]'. He never responded back and I wondered why - but then a few days later he called me and said that when he got home, he asked his son what the little symbol was on his phone and his son said, "Oh, that means you have a text message." So, his son opened the text and as he was reading it outloud, xMM grabbed the phone from his son and said something about the person must've sent it to the wrong number. Even though it could've been a disaster, I couldn't help but laugh because it was like something out of a bad movie.

 

Anyway, I feel for you if you plan to talk to his W. That's going to be harder than you think. You know, you could've actually just gotten out of the whole thing by acting like your text meant nothing. Like you were just a co-worker wondering where he was. I guess that would've been hard but you didn't really say anything incriminating.

[PhoenixRise]

This is what I said to him, that its ok if I lie to her, even though that would hurt me so long as it helped his W and their M.

 

I can see it for what it is, still all over the place though, when I do speak with his W I need to be 'with it' so to speak.

 

 

Can you really Hopeless? Because the way I see it, this man has been manipulating his wife all these months by having her jump through hoops to make him happy in the marriage all this time while he carried on an affair behind her back.

 

NOW

 

He is trying to manipulate you into lying for him to cover his a$$ so he can stay in the marriage by "hinting" to you that you two are finished if you don't back up his lies.

 

You love him and you want him exclusively for yourself and he knows it...so he threatens to take away the piece of him that you do have if you don't help him stay in the marriage which would only serve to keep YOU in a triangle and sharing a man.

 

I know you have a lot on your plate right now and I wish you the best of luck in working it through.

[sugarmomma]

This is what I said to him, that its ok if I lie to her, even though that would hurt me so long as it helped his W and their M.

 

.

 

 

OP sorry that you are going through this but coming from a former OW you need to understand that he doesn't care if you get hurt in the process of him reapring his marriage.

 

It has never been about YOU according to him.

 

These men are extremely selfish and as long as they get what they want (the stability of his M, and you on the side) they don't give a damn who gets hurt.

 

You probably won't end up with him even if she does leave (which she probably won't). He will always wonder "what" you told her.

 

Its been all about him now let him sleep in the bed he made. Please tell her what she wants to hear. You as a woman would want to know. You said your heart broke for her, now lets see if you meant that.

 

Do the right thing.

[hopeless4u]

Your text message was pretty funny, btw.

 

Wow, what a little mess you've gotten yourself into. This is why I never texted xMM when he was at home. A few years ago, when text messaging was a fairly new thing, I sent xMM a text message while he was out of town. It said something like, 'sweet dreams...[plus my pet name for him]'. He never responded back and I wondered why - but then a few days later he called me and said that when he got home, he asked his son what the little symbol was on his phone and his son said, "Oh, that means you have a text message." So, his son opened the text and as he was reading it outloud, xMM grabbed the phone from his son and said something about the person must've sent it to the wrong number. Even though it could've been a disaster, I couldn't help but laugh because it was like something out of a bad movie.

 

Anyway, I feel for you if you plan to talk to his W. That's going to be harder than you think. You know, you could've actually just gotten out of the whole thing by acting like your text meant nothing. Like you were just a co-worker wondering where he was. I guess that would've been hard but you didn't really say anything incriminating.

 

 

This is what he asked me to do, just reply and say oh sorry, wrong number.

 

I panicked and the fact I didn't answer the calls made her worse so then I knew she'd ask questions and in my heart of hearts I really dont want to lie to her.

 

My xH's AP lied to me and that made it worse. I know the right thing to do but that is easier said than done.

[whichwayisup]

This is what I said to him, that its ok if I lie to her, even though that would hurt me so long as it helped his W and their M.

 

I can see it for what it is, still all over the place though, when I do speak with his W I need to be 'with it' so to speak.

 

So, you plan on being 'with it' so you can be on your toes, help him continue to lie to her, gaslight her so the affair won't end??? I am confused. Do you want him still? You want to be the OW? Continue the A?

 

How is lying to her, not telling her the truth going to help their marriage in the long run?

 

You not only owe it to her, but you owe to yourself to come clean and be honest about everything. It'll help you get closure, help you be able to let go of this selfish cake-eating MM once and for all.

 

Unless that's not what you want?

[hopeless4u]

Can you really Hopeless? Because the way I see it, this man has been manipulating his wife all these months by having her jump through hoops to make him happy in the marriage all this time while he carried on an affair behind her back.

 

NOW

 

He is trying to manipulate you into lying for him to cover his a$$ so he can stay in the marriage by "hinting" to you that you two are finished if you don't back up his lies.

 

You love him and you want him exclusively for yourself and he knows it...so he threatens to take away the piece of him that you do have if you don't help him stay in the marriage which would only serve to keep YOU in a triangle and sharing a man.

 

I know you have a lot on your plate right now and I wish you the best of luck in working it through.

 

 

You are right and I can see this but I also need a straight head and heart to face his W.

 

I am so scared of the conversation I have to have with the W and yes I KNOW I have to have it!!

 

Like I said when he said if she knows everything it would ruin any future 'us' the 1st thing that went through my mind was that he was looking after him not me.

[hopeless4u]

So, you plan on being 'with it' so you can be on your toes, help him continue to lie to her, gaslight her so the affair won't end??? I am confused. Do you want him still? You want to be the OW? Continue the A?

 

How is lying to her, not telling her the truth going to help their marriage in the long run?

 

You not only owe it to her, but you owe to yourself to come clean and be honest about everything. It'll help you get closure, help you be able to let go of this selfish cake-eating MM once and for all.

 

Unless that's not what you want?

 

No WWIU when I say with it I mean not loose it when I speak to her.

 

I want to know my own mind, I want to be totally focussed and I want to remember all the facts. When I have this conversation I want it to be the 1 and only conversation I have with her.

[sugarmomma]

Like I said when he said if she knows everything it would ruin any future 'us' the 1st thing that went through my mind was that he was looking after him not me.

 

 

You Got It!!! Be smart. He is manipulating you. Don't bite the bait. You're probably not gonna end up with him anyway and why would you? he's scum.

 

Sorry for being so harsh, but he is!

[Angel1111]

I panicked and the fact I didn't answer the calls made her worse so then I knew she'd ask questions and in my heart of hearts I really dont want to lie to her.

 

I totally understand. It's very hard for me to lie, and I did tell xMM once that if his wife ever asked me directly if we had an affair, I would tell her. Since then, I've re-thought that because I now know that this would ruin my life more than anyone else's. So I'm not open to that anymore. Deny, deny, deny. But, yeah, I can understand why you just hung up - I'm just saying that if you really, really didn't want to get caught, then it could've been avoided. I think there was a part of you that was ok with the truth coming out - and there's nothing wrong with that. The unresolved suspense of affairs can truly wear you down.

 

I'm really glad that you're not willing to lie for him. And if he's that set on keeping his marrage intact, then I say tell his W everything and then walk away. If my xMM told me that telling the truth would be the end of 'us', then that would be the end of 'us'. No matter what happened after that, I would never go back to him. It wouldn't be possible for me to overlook that.

[PhoenixRise]

You are right and I can see this but I also need a straight head and heart to face his W.

 

I am so scared of the conversation I have to have with the W and yes I KNOW I have to have it!!

 

Like I said when he said if she knows everything it would ruin any future 'us' the 1st thing that went through my mind was that he was looking after him not me.

 

I understand that you are scared of having the conversation with the W. I am willing to bet that she is scared too. She is very very afraid of what you might tell her. She has been working on the marriage(at his request) and trying to make him happy... She is afraid that she has been a fool.

 

If things are going calmly, and I think it will be civil since you say she is begging for information (not hurling insults or accusations), just let her lead and ask the questions. Just answer her honestly and to the point.