Be careful what you wish for..xMM has been caught!

[hopeless4u]

OP sorry that you are going through this but coming from a former OW you need to understand that he doesn't care if you get hurt in the process of him reapring his marriage.

 

It has never been about YOU according to him.

 

These men are extremely selfish and as long as they get what they want (the stability of his M, and you on the side) they don't give a damn who gets hurt.

 

You probably won't end up with him even if she does leave (which she probably won't). He will always wonder "what" you told her.

 

Its been all about him now let him sleep in the bed he made. Please tell her what she wants to hear. You as a woman would want to know. You said your heart broke for her, now lets see if you meant that.

 

Do the right thing.

 

Yes It is all about him and I need to get my head around that and I will. I need to be strong when I speak to his W, I need to be sure of what I am saying. I have a habit of being very strong on the outside but not quite so strong under the surface!!

[whichwayisup]

I think her seeing your emotions would be a good thing, would show her your remorse, and also in some way, she will respect you for telling her, answering what she needs to know.

 

In the meantime, make some notes, write stuff down so you know what to say, how to say it, and how it'll come across.

[sugarmomma]

I totally understand. It's very hard for me to lie, and I did tell xMM once that if his wife ever asked me directly if we had an affair, I would tell her. Since then, I've re-thought that because I now know that this would ruin my life more than anyone else's. So I'm not open to that anymore. Deny, deny, deny. But, yeah, I can understand why you just hung up - I'm just saying that if you really, really didn't want to get caught, then it could've been avoided. I think there was a part of you that was ok with the truth coming out - and there's nothing wrong with that. The unresolved suspense of affairs can truly wear you down.

 

I'm really glad that you're not willing to lie for him. And if he's that set on keeping his marrage intact, then I say tell his W everything and then walk away. If my xMM told me that telling the truth would be the end of 'us', then that would be the end of 'us'. No matter what happened after that, I would never go back to him. It wouldn't be possible for me to overlook that.

 

This post is disturbing and confusing.

[NoIDidn't]

My xH's AP lied to me and that made it worse. I know the right thing to do but that is easier said than done.

 

I can never quite understand how someone whose been in this position still does this when this time the call is to them.

 

Not so much a judgment, as an observation. I guess I would truly have to experience this for myself to know what I would or wouldn't do in this situation.

 

What would you have wanted to hear from your xH's OW? What questions were you asking her that she dodged? What did you want to know at a minimum concerning your calling her?

 

Consider these questions the next time she rings you.

 

I only wanted to know if NC had been broken. Because after getting confirmation of that, my issue was with him. Dragging out speaking to her, creates an issue between you two that will encompass much more than just the fact that you were sleeping with her H. But I think you know that already from your own previous experience.

[sugarmomma]

Yes It is all about him and I need to get my head around that and I will. I need to be strong when I speak to his W, I need to be sure of what I am saying. I have a habit of being very strong on the outside but not quite so strong under the surface!!

 

 

I know its not going to be easy. If she starts to get ignorant and abusive you should end the conversation. If she is sincerely just looking for some answers just tell her everything. You may want to spare any details that may be too difficult for her to hear.

 

Be as tactful as possible.

[hopeless4u]

I totally understand. It's very hard for me to lie, and I did tell xMM once that if his wife ever asked me directly if we had an affair, I would tell her. Since then, I've re-thought that because I now know that this would ruin my life more than anyone else's. So I'm not open to that anymore. Deny, deny, deny. But, yeah, I can understand why you just hung up - I'm just saying that if you really, really didn't want to get caught, then it could've been avoided. I think there was a part of you that was ok with the truth coming out - and there's nothing wrong with that. The unresolved suspense of affairs can truly wear you down.

 

I'm really glad that you're not willing to lie for him. And if he's that set on keeping his marrage intact, then I say tell his W everything and then walk away. If my xMM told me that telling the truth would be the end of 'us', then that would be the end of 'us'. No matter what happened after that, I would never go back to him. It wouldn't be possible for me to overlook that.

 

 

Yeah same thing in my mind TBH.

Its probably the hardest decision I have ever had to make but even though his excuse was that his family would never except me if I was the reason he left, I know he is playing on my heart strings.

[Angel1111]

This post is disturbing and confusing.

 

That's because affairs are confusing and disturbing.

[Angel1111]

Yeah same thing in my mind TBH.

Its probably the hardest decision I have ever had to make but even though his excuse was that his family would never except me if I was the reason he left, I know he is playing on my heart strings.

 

You didn't have to be the reason he left. He could've just left because he needed to leave. As they say, where there's a will, there's a way. No will, no way.

[PhoenixRise]

You didn't have to be the reason he left. He could've just left because he needed to leave. As they say, where there's a will, there's a way. No will, no way.

 

 

He could have just left when his W offered him a separation. Or when she suggested they not waste each others time beating a dead M.

[hopeless4u]

I can never quite understand how someone whose been in this position still does this when this time the call is to them.

 

Not so much a judgment, as an observation. I guess I would truly have to experience this for myself to know what I would or wouldn't do in this situation.

 

What would you have wanted to hear from your xH's OW? What questions were you asking her that she dodged? What did you want to know at a minimum concerning your calling her?

 

Consider these questions the next time she rings you.

 

I only wanted to know if NC had been broken. Because after getting confirmation of that, my issue was with him. Dragging out speaking to her, creates an issue between you two that will encompass much more than just the fact that you were sleeping with her H. But I think you know that already from your own previous experience.

 

I said to xMM today when he asked me to txt his W back and say stuff(stuff he wanted me to say) that I wouldn't lie. I asked my xH's OW but they had already got their story straight and she lied for him and ended the conversation with 'well he chose you, what is your problem!'

That was worse than the truth.

 

I will not put my xMM's W through that, like I said if I speak to her it will be the truth, I will not (and he knows this) protect xMM.

[Angel1111]

He could have just left when his W offered him a separation. Or when she suggested they not waste each others time beating a dead M.

 

I forgot that this was the same MM. Yeah, it would've been 'game over' right then.

[2sunny]

Yes It is all about him and I need to get my head around that and I will. I need to be strong when I speak to his W, I need to be sure of what I am saying. I have a habit of being very strong on the outside but not quite so strong under the surface!!

 

xMM came to the office at lunchtime, filled me in on the lies he has told and said she will not stop until she has spoken to me (had txt's and calls all day).

 

so just call her (i think i'd meditate first). stay calm - do not drink first - then...

 

ONLY answer questions SHE asks. she may want the truth - but she may not have as many questions as you think. answer honestly, with answers that are short - four words or less will suffice. let's pretend:

 

W: are you having an affair with my H?

you: yes

W: when did this start?

you: only give the month and year

 

be very clear and very precise - only give what she wants to know. i would have wanted this opportunity years ago... to know the REAL truth - from all sides.

 

keep the answers simple and clear.

 

let him deal with his own lies he's willing to create. do not step into the pile of crap that he's creating and wants you to participate further in.

 

the sooner you get it over with - the better you can move forward.

 

at least you're not willing to lie further and participate in the cover up. she deserves to have answers to whatever she wants to ask, then she can make a decision on what the facts are.

[hopeless4u]

Well update for everyone....xMM has just rung, he is on his way to his mother's to spill all, W has gone to bed and he has told his son(24) who just said 'oh..right..not much I can do...going to get some food'!

 

I told him that if W rings me I will not lie (again), she asked where I live, he said he didn't know, she asked loads of questions and he also said we hadn't slept together!! I'm just hoping to god she doesn't ring, how can I tell her the truth when he has told her so little!!

 

He said she doesn't believe anything(noooo, really!) and thinks more has gone on(god I want to punch him right now).

 

Told him to just tell the truth then I can speak to her, answer her questions and what will be will be.

[Samantha0905]

He definitely is trying to manipulate you with the veiled threat of no more two of you. He is scrambling and it was very tasteless of him to ask you to say certain things to keep your story in line with his or to save his marriage. Surely he knows you are not (nor should you attempt to be) the savior of his marriage.

 

I agree with all the advice you have received. If she calls you, be perfectly honest with her. Try to do it in a way to harm her the least, but be totally honest when she asks you direct questions.

[pureinheart]

So I go to work as usual this morning. Had lots of intense conversations with xMM over the weekend, nothing new there.

 

He had to take his car the garage early and would then be in the office, so, as usual txt him this morning saying 'wakey, wakey there is work to be done!! x x'

Nothing unusual as he is late for everything so expected a call or txt saying he was running late.....my mobile rang with a number that wasn't in my phonebook (I just thought it was sales), I answered and a voice asked me 'who is this?', I say 'err you phoned me?' voice said 'yeah and who are you?'....the penny drops and I hang up!

 

So like I say, be careful what you wish for, I wanted the W to know that xMM has been unfaithful but when it came to it I couldn't even speak to her!!

 

xMM came to the office at lunchtime, filled me in on the lies he has told and said she will not stop until she has spoken to me (had txt's and calls all day).

 

I have told him if I speak to her I will tell her the truth, he has told her its been going on since the summer, not sure if she know's we have slept together or how intense the A was.

 

She went straight to his mother(who thinks the sun shines from his backside and is quite frail) and told her what a **** he is and has told him he must tell his children tonight what he has done. Not sure how this will help but I hope she doesn't make him follow through as its not the kids business at the moment, hopefully thats the anger.

 

Anyway I have know idea what is going on at the moment except he is probably begging for forgiveness right now.

 

He said he is going to tell his mum everything, the whole story right from the start as she asked him this morning if he was having an A, he said no (which is strictly true) but feels he owes her the full story.

 

Babbling a bit now so any views welcome. I know I should just tell her the truth about everything but I want to give him the chance to come clean by himself.

 

Just to add, I did say to him I wouldn't lie to her and obviously I have her mobile number now and he said it was up to me and I had to do what I needed.

He hasn't thrown me under a bus as I knew he wanted to try to make his M work, this has just made him face up to things and at least his W has some of the facts now.[/quote

 

For some people it is a natural reaction to save their own back sides...there is one instant that I would do the same because of fear...with everything else I will tell the truth no matter the price.

 

With exMM and now ex B/F he would throw me under the bus and stand there and watch to enjoy the good thing he had just done.

 

People are people, some with more class than others....now Narcissists are a different story...whatever serves THEM the best is the right thing to them...it is interesting how even telling the truth is a form of manipulation....one tells a bit of truth, just enouph to cause them to appear "human"....oh poor MM made a mistake, oh let's make him pay a bit for what he has done, but look how sorry he is and how he has come clean....oh that horrible OW, it's her fault for enticing this MM, I mean men are men and they are so vulnerable because of their strong sexual desires....I have heard the garbage so much that I have finally taken the trash out for good in my life.....

 

I would suggest NC because he could possibly pull you back into his lies....I mean why do you have to deal with this W....it's HIS W, not yours, not your family, not your anything....IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY not yours....HE WAS THE ONE THAT WAS MARRIED AND NOW YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER STALKING.....oh this makes me so mad...

[hopeless4u]

so just call her (i think i'd meditate first). stay calm - do not drink first - then...

 

ONLY answer questions SHE asks. she may want the truth - but she may not have as many questions as you think. answer honestly, with answers that are short - four words or less will suffice. let's pretend:

 

W: are you having an affair with my H?

you: yes

W: when did this start?

you: only give the month and year

 

be very clear and very precise - only give what she wants to know. i would have wanted this opportunity years ago... to know the REAL truth - from all sides.

 

keep the answers simple and clear.

 

let him deal with his own lies he's willing to create. do not step into the pile of crap that he's creating and wants you to participate further in.

 

the sooner you get it over with - the better you can move forward.

 

at least you're not willing to lie further and participate in the cover up. she deserves to have answers to whatever she wants to ask, then she can make a decision on what the facts are.

 

 

I think you are right, I just said to him I've heard nothing from her and he said that won't last so next time she rings I will answer and like you say I will just give short and to the point answers.

 

I will just say 'look I'm not proud, its over but I understand you need to know so go ahead and ask.

 

I'm sooo scared, I feel like a pile of poo right now!!

[2sunny]

Well update for everyone....xMM has just rung, he is on his way to his mother's to spill all, W has gone to bed and he has told his son(24) who just said 'oh..right..not much I can do...going to get some food'!

 

I told him that if W rings me I will not lie (again), she asked where I live, he said he didn't know, she asked loads of questions and he also said we hadn't slept together!! I'm just hoping to god she doesn't ring, how can I tell her the truth when he has told her so little!!

 

He said she doesn't believe anything(noooo, really!) and thinks more has gone on(god I want to punch him right now).

 

Told him to just tell the truth then I can speak to her, answer her questions and what will be will be.

 

and this is why a BS has so much pain... because when the truth is hidden from them - the pain is greater. now he's off to his Mom to build more deceit with her. ugh... and this is attractive on a man? he's no man - he's a little wimpy boy running to get out of trouble - and willing to lie to the end of the earth to save his own face.

 

this is WHY a BS has to trust their gut... because it always prompts us when things seem wrong.

 

for you - he wouldn't be making so much effort to win her trust IF he intended to be with YOU. call her, now, while he's gone - and tell her whatever she wants to know. she deserves some sort of decency in the end... to know what the truth may be - because she wants it and sure isn't going to get it from him. THEN she can at least make a decision in her best interest based on what actually is happening in her life.

[PhoenixRise]

Well update for everyone....xMM has just rung, he is on his way to his mother's to spill all, W has gone to bed and he has told his son(24) who just said 'oh..right..not much I can do...going to get some food'!

 

I told him that if W rings me I will not lie (again), she asked where I live, he said he didn't know, she asked loads of questions and he also said we hadn't slept together!! I'm just hoping to god she doesn't ring, how can I tell her the truth when he has told her so little!!

 

He said she doesn't believe anything(noooo, really!) and thinks more has gone on(god I want to punch him right now).

 

Told him to just tell the truth then I can speak to her, answer her questions and what will be will be.

 

 

So let me get this straight...he is going to tell his mother (who thinks he hung the moon) the truth, that he is having an affair

 

BUT

 

He lied to his wife and said that there was no sex.

 

 

Hopeless, you need to face it....his wife is not the only one he is lying to.

[MizzBlue72]

I left my xH for cheating and when I confronted the OW they had already got their stories straight and that was worse than hearing the truth. **H4U - I am a little shocked by this I guess to hear that you left your H for an A, and then you had one. NOT judging, since I was the OW too ... just wow.

 

I will not do that to her (I have done enough damage) I want to give him the chance to tell her everything, today we were both all over the place TBH. -

 

**H4U - this is good, but don't expect him to tell her everything. No one does, and if it will cause her pain, he probably won't. I seriously do NOT think it is the OW's place to tell the BS of the A, etc. It is the H place to do this.

 

He has hinted that if his W knows everything then that would finish things with us, not sure if that was a warning to me or a genuine feeling from him.

**he probably did not think he would ever get caught.

 

I am thinking with my head now, the fact that it is out really does put an end to this 1 way or the other. If he chooses to work on it then I will walk away, if she ends the M then I will be there for him but I really don't know if we'll end up together.

 

 

H4U - It is good to hear that you are thinking with your head now. It takes some of us longer than others to do this. God knows it took me FOREVER, and I still mess it up!!

 

If he DOES decide to work on his M, I don't think it would be a good idea if you stayed in the pic ... even for support. I think if they decided to work on M, walk away and don't contact him again.

[MizzBlue72]

H4U -

You should be proud that you have decided to NOT lie for the MM.

When I decided that I am done, completely done living in the lie, I felt SO much better.

No - stick to your guns on that if you DO decide to talk to her.

The truth is easier to remember than lies ...

[pureinheart]

Well update for everyone....xMM has just rung, he is on his way to his mother's to spill all, W has gone to bed and he has told his son(24) who just said 'oh..right..not much I can do...going to get some food'!

 

I told him that if W rings me I will not lie (again), she asked where I live, he said he didn't know, she asked loads of questions and he also said we hadn't slept together!! I'm just hoping to god she doesn't ring, how can I tell her the truth when he has told her so little!!

 

He said she doesn't believe anything(noooo, really!) and thinks more has gone on(god I want to punch him right now).

 

Told him to just tell the truth then I can speak to her, answer her questions and what will be will be.

 

Hey P.S.

 

I would be very careful....she wants to know where you live????? Why???? She has your #....be very alert as these things can turn out VERY violent if you catch my drift.....he will do what he needs to to save the M for whatever reason, and will eventually work WITH HER against you....turning the tables on you....personally I advise not to get involved at all, as this is his problem.

 

I had ex MM's entire family come after me, threaten me, all kinds of stuff, try to get me fired....it was bad ...personally I was not afraid of them and they were lucky I was not vindictive as my family was not happy with them and what they tried to do to me (my family could fill 2 or 3 football stadiums with standing room only, and the majority of them are not afraid of jail). My family did not do anything to them because I asked them not to....but the fact remains that she may not be right in the head and he could have provoked her to acting crazy.....YOU DO NOT NEED THIS!!!!!

[hopeless4u]

I agree.

H4U,

i don't think you are a bad person, but you made some bad choices- now own them.Even if it's the hardest thing you have ever had to do in yur life- if this 'mans" wife is asking you questions, then please try and answer them as openly and honestly as you can. Maybe before you speak with her, try some role reversal- imagine your roles were reversed- what would you want to know? what would be important for you to know so that you could "pick up the pieces and move forward in your life"?. try having some answers

prepared in your mind so that you don't flounder or get caught off guard.

 

I know this may be very hard for you, and I am sorry about that, but it sounds like something you need to do both for her and for yourself.

 

 

Hey FS, thanks for your opinion, I'm sure I'm not the 1st person you would want to give advice to right now.

Hope you're doing ok and I mean that from the heart I really do.

 

Yes if she rings me I will answer her questions, I owe her that. I'm not like your H's OW, that, from my understanding was just a stupid mistake on his part with a nasty, vindictive woman.

 

I hope it all works out for you both, keep the faith xx

[hopeless4u]

Hey P.S.

 

I would be very careful....she wants to know where you live????? Why???? She has your #....be very alert as these things can turn out VERY violent if you catch my drift.....he will do what he needs to to save the M for whatever reason, and will eventually work WITH HER against you....turning the tables on you....personally I advise not to get involved at all, as this is his problem.

 

I had ex MM's entire family come after me, threaten me, all kinds of stuff, try to get me fired....it was bad ...personally I was not afraid of them and they were lucky I was not vindictive as my family was not happy with them and what they tried to do to me (my family could fill 2 or 3 football stadiums with standing room only, and the majority of them are not afraid of jail). My family did not do anything to them because I asked them not to....but the fact remains that she may not be right in the head and he could have provoked her to acting crazy.....YOU DO NOT NEED THIS!!!!!

 

 

I would be more worried about her coming to my work than my home (idiot told her my 1st name and where I work!)

I have no problem facing her if she confronts me at home. He didn't tell her where I live, he said he didn't know. Not sure she believed him though!

[2sunny]

I would be more worried about her coming to my work than my home (idiot told her my 1st name and where I work!)

I have no problem facing her if she confronts me at home. He didn't tell her where I live, he said he didn't know. Not sure she believed him though!

 

you have NO obligation to tell her personal and private info she could use to your disadvantage. i wouldn't tell where you live or your last name. he's already shown he will throw you under the bus by giving your first name and place of work. he's willing to save his face at the expense of your well being! if it were me - THAT alone would send me over the top enough to have no further contact with him.

 

if he calls, don't answer! maybe - MAYBE THEN - he will sweat a bit. in the meantime YOU are taking the heat for HIS lies.

 

take control and your power back - tell him to take a hike... or better yet, let him wonder by getting a foot long silent sandwich.

[NoIDidn't]

I definitely agree with 2sunny. Take your power back by not getting a phone call at an hour that may not work for you. Call her. He's away lying to his mother right now. Take advantage of this, if you can.

 

Trust me, the best time for a BW to speak with the OW is when their H is not home. The H being home only angers them, or distracts from the conversation.