Low self-esteem and an unrequited love for a good friend

[Enz938]

I'm sure you've ready many of these stories, but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

 

First, let me preface this by saying that I'm 19 and have never been in a relationship. In fact, I've never been on a date. I was shy (and still am) throughout high school and never went to things like school dances either.

 

I met her over the summer and we quickly became good friends. She's 10 years older than me and already has a boyfriend (Let me make it perfectly clear that I know I cannot and should not act/show my feelings to her. It would be irresponsible on my part). For the first few months, I never found myself attracted to her--I simply saw her as a good friend. However, about two months ago, as I began to know her more and more, I began to develop very strong feelings for her. She's one of my few friends with whom I can share many of my feelings. It's come to a point now where she's all I can think about.

 

She's beautiful and has a great personality. I've never felt this way about anyone in the past. I mean, I've had crushes, but nothing like this.

 

The difficult thing is, we're quite good friends now, so it's not like it would be realistic to cut contact and just forget about her. I know that nothing can happen, however it feels like I have some glimmer of hope deep down inside.

 

I feel rather depressed. Even when I hang out with my friends, for example, my mind always returns to her. It hurts so much, as I'm sure many of you know. I even shed tears thinking about it all. I don't know if this is bizarre, but it seems to be a sort of catharsis to listen to depressing music and let some tears out.

 

I feel like I only fall for those who are unattainable. It just seems like I'll never find someone who will feel the same about me. I realise I'm very young still, but my rationality is clearly being overwhelmed by my emotions.

 

Any suggestions? Or is this unrequited love something that time will have to heal? Unfortunately even if I do get over her, it doesn't alleviate my root problems of low self-confidence, pessimism of the future, and low self-esteem. I feel too embarrassed to bring up these problems my parents.

[carhill]

Well, if she's a good friend and you're honest with her , eg 'my feelings regarding you have changed and I don't know if I can feel healthy in a platonic friendship with you', she can offer you her perspective and help you achieve clarity. Communication is one of the best ways I know to facilitate healing of unrequited love, which is what you're experiencing. Simply, you invested romantic emotions into a friendship where there was no sign of reciprocation. BTDT, paid a dear price for it.

 

Since you complain of 'low self-confidence, pessimism of the future, and low self-esteem', you really need to work on yourself before you can be a healthy partner to someone else, but, when you are, having solid female friends can really facilitate meeting the right person for you. Perhaps this friend will be one those valued friends.

 

A key question to ask yourself right now is, absent your attraction for her, is she really an asset in your life? A proactive, caring friend? Is she supportive of your issues with self-esteem and self-confidence? Will she call you up and check up on you to see how you're doing?

 

Welcome to LS

[purgatori]

Life is sad and so is love.

 

Purgatori's truism: The person who cares the least is closest to being dead.

[Enz938]

Well, if she's a good friend and you're honest with her , eg 'my feelings regarding you have changed and I don't know if I can feel healthy in a platonic friendship with you', she can offer you her perspective and help you achieve clarity. Communication is one of the best ways I know to facilitate healing of unrequited love, which is what you're experiencing. Simply, you invested romantic emotions into a friendship where there was no sign of reciprocation. BTDT, paid a dear price for it.

 

That sounds like a practical approach. However, I don't think I would have the courage to do such a thing.

 

Since you complain of 'low self-confidence, pessimism of the future, and low self-esteem', you really need to work on yourself before you can be a healthy partner to someone else, but, when you are, having solid female friends can really facilitate meeting the right person for you. Perhaps this friend will be one those valued friends.

 

That's a great point. Any suggestions on how I can improve myself in those aspects?

 

A key question to ask yourself right now is, absent your attraction for her, is she really an asset in your life? A proactive, caring friend? Is she supportive of your issues with self-esteem and self-confidence? Will she call you up and check up on you to see how you're doing?

 

I think so. She's become one of my main friends with whom I'm comfortable sharing many of my more personal feelings, ambitions, goals, et cetera.

 

Welcome to LS

 

Thanks!

[carhill]

Life is sad and so is love.

 

Purgatori's truism: The person who cares the least is closest to being dead.

I agree but the key factor is they don't care. Witness the 911 terrorists as proof. Maximum power and control right until the point they vaporized.

 

I think so. She's become one of my main friends with whom I'm comfortable sharing many of my more personal feelings, ambitions, goals, et cetera.

 

OP, a key question to ask yourself is why you feel that way. This is a difficult one. Why a person for whom you have unrequited love is the main person you can confide in. I've had unrequited loves, and some real unhealthy ones, but I always have good friends of both genders to love and support me and vice-versa. IMO, and I've done this, you're seeing the friendship through the glasses of attraction. I'd suggest trying on different glasses.

[amagordos]

Like you i also thought i was in love with my best friend. He was the first guy i actually loved, because before i developed crushes on guys i didn't know at all, but with him it was different because i did know him and i saw him everyday. i shared my feelings with him and he would listen and make me laugh. The trouble was that when i told him how i felt, he didn't reciprocate my feelings and he turned out to be gay. Sadly that is the main reason why i got over him at last after 2 years. Here is the thing, if you really care about her tell her and see what happens, but if you don't want to because you are afraid of ruining the friendship then i suggest you forget about her. I know how difficult it is because you talk to her and see her all the time, but its something that must be done in order for you to not suffer so much. i suffered so much with this unrequited love and all for nothing because my friend turned out to be gay. Another thing is that you should question if this is real love or just an infatuation? See with me it wasn't because i didn't care about his happiness, and i was selfish and mean with him.

[Ronni_W]

That's a great point. Any suggestions on how I can improve myself in those aspects?

Individual therapy (with the 'right' therapist for you) can be very beneficial -- if you're ready to face and tackle some of your "inner stuff" during sessions, and also do work outside of sessions.

 

For a self-help approach, there are thousands of books as well as online resources. You may want to check out:

~ self-esteem-experts.com/self-esteem-lesson-plan.html

~ stevepavlina.com/

~ eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

~ richbits.com/RBArchives/backissuesRBNEW.htm

~ core-beliefs-balance.com/ (the free ebook is pretty good)

 

She's become one of my main friends with whom I'm comfortable sharing many of my more personal feelings, ambitions, goals, et cetera.

You're fortunate to have someone like that in your life! It sounds as if she is wise, warm, caring and compassionate -- which is probably why you also fell for her, I'm guessing(?)

It will be difficult, but not impossible, for you to "re-engineer" your feelings towards her so that they more accurately reflect the true nature of your relationship...which sounds more like mentor-mentee, to be honest.

 

If you can't do that, though, then...yeah, your wisest move would be to sever the relationship completely.

I wouldn't try sharing your current feelings / telling her that you've fallen for her -- IMO, that would just be an invitation for huge awkwardness and maybe even a bit of humiliation...on both sides.

 

Best of luck with all of it.

[leapy]

Ah ****, unrequited love, been there mate.

 

First off this is a pretty ****ty suitation to be in. First off you have to ask yourself WHY you fell for this woman (girl is not an appropriate term). If you're anything like me (and from what I've read it sounds like it) it will be intelegence and personality more than looks, though looks are good too

 

Look arround, is there anyoe else like that in your life? There are other good people out there, you just have to wade through quite a lot of bad ones to get to them.

 

One reason you may have over looked is that you fell for her because you don't have anyone else arround, or very few at any rate. this is not good. The human animal is a social animal. We thrive on contact.

 

Try and meet new people, if you're suffering from LSE then that has to be worked on (I have the same problem, though its less than what it was before) and i know how hard it is to change but you need to get out of your comfort zone. Travel is perticually good for this, grab a backpack, stick a pin in a map (make sure its one of the WORLD, not just the US :)and go there. Volunteer work is a good idea too, anything to get you out of your comfort zone and doing something new.

 

Good luck to ya mate.