Relationship Sabotage

[ZZZ]

Hi, I have never potentially talked to the world like this.

 

But I really have no idea what to do...

 

I have been dating this man for about 6 months. In my history it has been hard to let anyone close to me so I know I have a tendency to push people away but I have tried to be aware of it. But I am not feeling happy in my dating relationship. He is a Bachelor and has been (he's 40). We rarely spend much time together, it's hard because he is always doing something, stays up all night and sleeps most of the day. He is not able to work for reasons that would be too involved to get into here. I think that probably makes him depressed.

 

Anyway, I don't feel like he is making much effort in this relationship. And I don't feel after 6 months that I know him much better than at the beginning. See, he's a cop and he has a lot of walls, but is really a great man. He is smart but not attuned at all to the relationship or me for that matter. The most frustrating part is that when I tell him how I feel or that I am not happy he doesn't see there is a problem which is a huge part of the problem. He's so distant. He says he wants to have a relationship but his actions show differently. Our sex life is infrequent and he doesn't seem to want to make sacrifices because he wants to see me, even though I know he misses me. How do I know when to end it or when I may be sabotaging the relationship?

 

I am sure I am part of the problem with my issues but, I don't think he is there with me in this relationship. I just told him I wanted to take 2 weeks off and he said "Are you serious." He just doesn't seem to get it at all. How can he not see there are problems, we don't act like a couple. Having said all that I do strongly believe in relationship sabotage. Maybe I am pushing him away so he can't get close to me. Any advice, god I am interested.

 

Thanks

 

ZZZ

[Tony T]

It really makes no difference whether it is relationship sabatoge, fear of closeness, or whatever. You are simply not happy in the relationship.

 

There is no good point in spending your life trying to make a Rolls Royce out of a VW. If you don't like you life with the cop, who obviously has lots of problems you don't want to go into, go find someone who at least will give you the emotional and physical closeness you desire.

 

It seems you hava a history of pushing people away too so it's no wonder you attracted this man into your life. I get the impression you want to move away from this trend. Maybe it's time for you...but it's not time for him.

 

He is obviously very satisfied. He puts little effort into the situation and does what he wants. That's why he tells you he sees no problem. It is sort of frightening to know that, whatever city you're in, this officer of the law is getting very sensitive domestic violence calls and has to deal with them in a effective manner. I hope he does a better problem of seeing trouble while he's in a professional capacity.

 

No matter how great he may be, no matter what his good points are, if he is not helping you to feel loved, desired, fulfilled and complete in this relationship, it is simply not working and you must move on.

[Luv]

I was just sitting here browsing through the messages, and then I came across yours... I nearly fell off my chair when I read this:

But I am not feeling happy in my dating relationship. He is a Bachelor and has been (he's 40). We rarely spend much time together, it's hard because he is always doing something, stays up all night and sleeps most of the day. Anyway, I don't feel like he is making much effort in this relationship. And I don't feel after 6 months that I know him much better than at the beginning. See, he's a cop and he has a lot of walls, but is really a great man. He is smart but not attuned at all to the relationship or me for that matter. The most frustrating part is that when I tell him how I feel or that I am not happy he doesn't see there is a problem which is a huge part of the problem. He's so distant. He says he wants to have a relationship but his actions show differently.

With the exception that my boyfriend is 35 instead of 40, it sounds exactly like him! My boyfriend is a cop as well, who works the night shift. I'm starting to wonder if this type of behavior is a side effect of the job, or even a result of him having been a bachelor for so long (that's my b'friends excuse) ...I have a few friends who are also involved with cops and we all seem to be going through the same thing..... so, don't completely blame yourself, and don't feel alone.......