Ex is with someone else but still loves me?

[ThatAngelGirl]

My ex and I broke up a couple months ago. Since then he's started seeing someone else. Last night, our daughter called to talk to him on the phone. She told him I have a new boyfriend (which I don't) then she gave the phone to me. I was telling him how a guy friend of mine stopped by earlier and anytime that happens.. she assumes he's dating me =) Well, he was sighing and I asked what he was doing, he told me getting a foot massage right now. Okay, so I was angry. I didn't like the idea of him being with someone else so soon. But he could have simply said "sitting on the couch, I have to go now but we'll talk later". He didn't need to tell me that she was there with him. I said a few things that weren't so nice and he hung up on me. About 5 minutes later he was pounding on my door.

 

We talked for a while and he swears up and down that he still loves me but he doesn't want to hurt this other girl. He says she's really nice.. blah blah blah. Well, I'm sure she's delightful and all, but where does that leave me? He can't have it both ways and I told him that. He asked me to please just give it time. I'm not planning to wait around for him. I have my own life to live. But what should I do? He says he misses "us" and our family. (we have five children together). I believe he is sincere about loving me. I just don't know how to handle this situation.

 

Oh, by the way, if he cares so much about hurting her, why was he at my house talking to me for 3 hours while she was still back at his place waiting? It just doesn't make sense to me. I just want my family back together but I'm not going to beg, cry and plead for him to come back. Any suggestions?

[princess75]

Wow, this is something. I am in a similar situation but with my ex bf. I wouldnt imagine having a whole family

 

together and this hapenning...I hope you are doing ok. I will say only one thing, did youe husband have sexual

 

experiences prior to maarying you. I can only think he is wanting to experience what he did not before, or

 

wants to know what romanticism is again. I would suggest the following, do not beg nor cry...instead go to the

 

beauty parlour, dedicate in getting yourself in good shape, going to massage, spas... and making time with your

 

gf's and children. Encourage your children to join you in your health activities so when they talk to their dad

 

he misses doing stuff together. Just keep on going with your children and your life. If he loves you he will return.

 

If he doesnt it doesnt mean he doesnt love you, means he has some confusion inside. I will also advice

 

for you to listen to him, to know what is REALLY going on inside. WHy he has to look outside what he could have

 

with you. I am not saying it is easy, most probably you will feel hurt but if you love him then take pride aside and

 

be there but as a friend. Meanwhile do what I suggested before. Good luck!

[SoleMate]

Wow, even if I were a two-timer, I would never call up #1 while #2 was rubbing my feet. I would keep them strictly separate, not rub them both in the other's face. Whatever else one may call this, it is childish. Is your ex's behavior usually mature, or is he like a naughty little irresponsible boy?

 

Princess gave good advice...begging, crying and pleading are demeaning to you, and also ineffective at getting him back. I would do as she said...have a life and be strong and attractive, that's the best chance to get him back and keep him back. (If you still want him back, knowing what he's capable of.) You'll also feel happier and thus more forgiving.

 

Oh, by the way, if he cares so much about hurting her, why was he at my house talking to me for 3 hours while she was still back at his place waiting?

Bingo...or talking to you while she was rubbing his feet? "Doesn't want to hurt her" is just a replay of line 74 from the book of "100 Most Used Excuses For Why A Two-Timing Relationship Must Continue". It's right up there with "Our dog has cancer" and "She needs me there to put up the Christmas lights".

 

And please keep your children out from in between. Good luck to you.

[ThatAngelGirl]

First of all, thanks for taking the time to give me some really great advice. I need to update you on what's happened these past few days...

 

The morning after he was here for 3 hours, he stopped by before he went to work. He sat beside me on the sofa telling me how confused he is. I said "Well maybe we can just date, go out some and see what happens". He says "We'll see" I said okay. But then he adds "You know, I'm supposed to be seeing someone else and I don't want it getting back to her that I'm taking you out too." I was like WHAT??????? I didn't realize their relationship was so exclusive. Now I'm pretty sure they were dating before we split up and that's most likely the reason he left. This girl is 10 years younger than him, no kids, decent job.. she's already buying him very expensive gifts.. somethings a little fishy here...

 

Now what I'm about to tell you, I do feel somewhat guilty about, but only because I'm normally a decent person.. but Saturday, I asked him over to my house while the kids were gone.. now he knew we'd be alone and of course, he didn't turn me down. I admit, I seduced him. We had sex and afterwards, he looks at me and asks me to please not tell anyone, he doesn't want to hurt "her". Well, I hadn't planned on it, but once he asked me that.. I wanted so badly to tell everyone with hopes it would get back to his "girlfriend". He said when it comes to me, he can't say no. He feels powerless against me. I told him I hope he thoroughly enjoyed it because most likely, it won't ever happen again. Am I a terrible person because I feel like I've gotten a little revenge by having sex with him, knowing he was going back to her? It's awful I know, but I don't feel the least bit bad about her finding out.

 

I haven't really talked to him since that night. He's called to see what we're doing for Christmas and I had to call him today to make sure we're not getting duplicate gifts for the kids. Today he told me he was on his way to another part of the state to take her to visit her grandparents and exchange Christmas gifts (dating a few weeks and already meeting the grandfolks, wow). Even if something he says does bother me, I don't let him know. And I really don't show any emotion when I see him. I'm polite but that's about it.

 

I'm going to take care of myself and the kids. I honestly feel he left because he always said he wanted more. He's a little selfis and LOVES spending money.. living way beyond his means. You just can't do that with 5 children. This girl he's with is spoiling him SO much and I know he's loving every minute of it. I hope she's still around when that child support kicks in and they're taking it out of his check... he'll most likely need someone to spend money on him then.

 

I'm spending Christmas afternoon at his parents' house because I'm very close to them and of course they want to see their grandkids. He'll be there too but I know his gf won't because his mother won't have it. She's furious that he left us with nothing and is behaving so immaturely.

 

Am I alone or does anyone else think it's strange that he's already meeting her family for the holidays? Maybe I'm way off base here. I know I shouldn't care but we were together for 14 years and I feel it's an insult to our entire relationship for him to be moving so quickly. I don't know if this is some strange, messed up phase he's going through, maybe an early mid-life crisis. I'm not sure what's going on but he's just not himself anymore.

[ThatAngelGirl]

Sorry I forgot to answer your questions...

 

Yes, he did have prior sexual activity BUT not much. And he's very immature and irresponsible when it comes to money but he's never done anything quite like this before. I'm stumped. He loves me, wants to spend forever with me... and then this. Blah!

[Caddy]

Maybe he isn't himself, or maybe this has been in him all along.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

If he loved you so much then why is he throwing it in your face about her? I know this can be totally off base and I am not saying I'm right, but it sounds like he is just trying to have you as backup in case things go sour with miss footsies.

 

Try to get over this loser as fast as you can and you will find someone that deserves your love!

I hope everything works out for you!

[ThatAngelGirl]

Well, I made it through Christmas afternoon at his parents with no bloodshed. He and I didn't really talk much at all. When we arrived he was waiting outside to help with the packages and getting the kids in the house. He was standing outside without a jacket and it was 27 degrees. I thought that was a little odd but didn't ask why.

 

I was there from about 3 until 7 and he was there the whole time. He didn't give me a gift and later told his mother he didn't think I'd want anything from him after all that had been going on. I gave him a photo album with pictures of all the kids because I knew he didn't have any of his own. His mom said while he was going through it, he had a somewhat guilty look on his face. I didn't notice.

 

It was really hot inside the house and his parents smoke so I went outside for some fresh air. He decided to load up some gifts in the cars and followed me out. I didn't really want to talk to him so I walked to the back porch while he was in front. I no sooner sat down and he walked around the house. He said he wanted to make sure I was okay. I told him I was fine then he commented about how hot it was inside and something about the snow. I just nodded and didn't talk. After a few minutes he walked away.

 

When it came time for me to go, I kissed and hugged all of his family but just said a quick bye to him and left. Later I talked to his mom and she commented about his new jacket. I asked what she meant and she asked "Didn't you see it?" Well, no I didn't because he didn't have one on the whole time I was there. She said it was a very expensive looking leather jacket. Guess after a comment I made about him being with this new girlfriend because she could spoil him so much with gifts, he decided I better not see the jacket lol. What's up with that? I know I'd rather be warm than worry about what my ex thought. Oh well.

 

He called a while ago to ask me if I needed anything and how the kids were. He doesn't normally call. Maybe he did feel a little guilty. Maybe he should. I don't think a little guilt will hurt him one bit.

[ziggue]

If he says he loves you he will eventually dump this other girl. Especially if you guys have a kid together. He'll eventaully do the right thing.

 

I feel sorry for the other girl. I have been that other girl. My ex ended up leaving me for his ex who had his baby. It's a tough situation for everybody.

 

She is probably giving him expensive presents just so she thinks she can hold onto him for as long as she can.

 

Hopefully things work out for you the way you want it too.

[ThatAngelGirl]

Well, you have a good point about him coming back because of the children and doing the right thing. But, it doesn't always work that way. To be completely honest, I don't know if I could take him back and trust him again. I mean, knowing what he's done I really am unsure I can ever get over those issues to make things work. Isn't it amazing how one action can change the course of your life forever? I could forgive but I'm afraid I'll never forget.

[mjk]

I admire your ability to see this whole situation through. he is obviously, at least to me, on a roller-coaster ride of emotions right now of which, thankfully, you are not responsible for at all.

 

I read all the posts and it looks like you have been able to segregate your feelings about the whole thing.

 

I feel the same way, you must forgive eventually but it doesn't mean you have to forget.

 

There looks like problems for him until he can just separate himself for "alone-time" and just get it together.

 

I've heard of very few relationships that work out so soon after a split.

[ThatAngelGirl]

mjk, you hit the nail right on the head! He is definitely on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and it's one ride I'm not buying tickets for. I've distanced myself as much as possible from him. As a friend, I suggested that he should consider being on his own for a while to get to the root of his issues. He doesn't think he has issues to deal with and told me he's not the bachelor type. So, I guess that answer means I was easily replaced.

 

It's very difficult for me to see him going through this and knowing he's obviously in denial. He was and still is a very good father to our children but this is naturally affecting them in many negative ways. They need parents who can get along and support and provide for them but currently, I feel it's best to basically remove myself from his life.

 

Would it be a horrible idea to leave the kids at my mother's house for him to pick up? I don't want any confrontations, at least for a few months. It's not that I don't care about him or want to be his friend, I simply believe every time I see him, I'm reopening the wound. I'm trying my best to seperate past from present but for now, I think avoidance is the best option.

[sarah12]

Wow, I really admire how strong you are. It's incredible..with 5 kids, you have been able to take of them on your own and realize that you don't need this guy!!

 

Although I have never been in your shoes or his, it really does look like he is having some sort of midlife crisis. I don't think he really likes/loves the new girl, he just likes what he gets from her and the idea of having something new in his life. He probably just thinks she's a 'nice person', but doesn't really have feelings for her, the way he does for you. It is obvious that he cares for you a lot still and loves you and wants to be with you. He probably just needs some time to think, and is going through that 'the grass is not always greener on the other side' thing.

 

As for what you did with the seducing - I'd do the same, so don't feel so bad. I mean, he cannot have his cake and eat it too. And I know that you do not like the new girl, but put yourself in her shoes. She probably does not know what is going on, (the poor girl!), and is not to blame. She just likes him for him and you can't blame someone when they don't know what's going on. Think about it, would any sensible girl go into a relationship, knowing that the guy has an ex he is not over, and 5 kids to top it all off? I'd be out the door before it even started.

 

Anyways, it looks like you know what you are doing and just need us to tell you you are doing the right thing! Again, I admire your courage and strength through all this. Give it some time, and I do believe he will come back in the end.

[ThatAngelGirl]

He stopped by this evening to see the kids. We didn't talk much but there was this calm feeling between us. I can't explain it. It was just a much more relaxed atmosphere than it has been these past couple of months. He sat down and played video games with the kids while I was playing with the baby.

 

I was nice and offered him something to drink but he declined. I finally saw his infamous jacket. Yeah it does look expensive, and it's a university team jacket and let's just say it's pretty bright lol. Can you say "tacky"? hehe. Okay, I'm being bad.

 

He told me one of the guys quit at his work so now he only has one day off a week and has to work 7 am to 7 pm nearly every day. This happened to him once before and I remember how stressed he was. It doesn't leave much time for him to do anything else and he's the type of person who loves his freedom (obviously). He also told me his cell phone is shut off and he's pretty much broke until payday which isn't for another week. My first thought was to say "Why don't you have your little miss priss help you out?" But I bit my tongue. I know, shame on me for even thinking it.

 

Before he left, he told me he hadn't felt good for the past couple of days and he has a toothache. Awww. Seriously, he should take better care of himself. I know I am =) I told him "Sheesh, sounds like you're falling apart" He said it must be old age. Heh, he's only 33. Guess it's hard keeping up with his 24 year old girlfriend lol. I'm so mean! Shame on me again.

 

Anyway, I hope we continue to be on decent speaking terms and as long as I don't get emotional, I think all will be fine. I'm just glad the holidays are over because it's been difficult.0

[ThatAngelGirl]

Just thought I'd pop in for a quick update on the situation. We talked on the phone earlier, it was a nice conversation. He actually took time to ask how I was doing. He was at work and usually says he's too busy to talk (even when we were together) but he went outside to continue the conversation.

 

I told him about what was going on in my life. How I'm planning to go back to school and work at the same time to support us. He said he'd watch the kids anytime I needed him to when he wasn't working. I told him that was probably a good idea so maybe there would be some leniancy for him when it came time to decide how much child support should be paid. I told him I'm really excited about going back to school and that I'm really happy with the way things are going so far. He said he was very glad for me.

 

I asked how things were going for him and he said he was okay. He told me things were tough lately and he didn't have much money. His girlfriend has basically moved in with him and is paying for a lot. He hasn't had the money to pay his car insurance and get his plates transferred so she's been taking him to work and picking him up.(I can see how that would definitely cramp his style) I asked him why he didn't just borrow the money from his gf and pay her back when he gets his check, and he told me since she's been spending money on the house and such, she just doesn't have it. I told him at least he has someone to help him out and that's a really good thing. He said yeah, if it wasn't for her, he isn't sure what he'd do. I teased him about having a sugar mama and being a kept man but I kept the really rude comments to myself =) Personally I think he needs to be on his own and not use someone as a crutch.. but what do I know?

 

He said she's been wanting to meet the kids. I told him that's fine with me. I asked if she likes kids and he said yes she really likes kids a lot. (good thing lol) I also told him I'd eventually like to meet her because I mean, I wouldn't leave my kids with a babysitter without getting to know them first, so I don't see much of a difference. I want to make sure I can trust my kids in her care. He said that's a good idea and that she and I would probably get a long very well. I told him considering the circumstances, I'm not interested in being a good friend to her but I'd like to meet her just the same.

 

Honestly, I'm starting to feel bad for his new girlfriend. I really don't think she realizes what she's getting into. A 24 year old, fresh out of her parents house.. moving in with a guy who can't handle his money and has 5 kids to take care of? I'm just VERY glad it's her and not me =)

 

While we were talking, he would pause and say "I don't know".. his voice trailing off. He always does that when he has something to say but doesn't know how to say it. I asked him what was on his mind and he said "Oh nothing" He kept doing the "I don't know" thing through the rest of the conversation. It makes me wonder what he's wanting to say. But, I don't want to pry.

 

I'm trying to let him see how green the grass is on the other side.. do things his way whether he wins or loses. I'm not going to say this is easy, because it's definitely not. But I can't let this destroy me and tear me apart. I want him to be happy, honestly, I do. But I don't really think he is. This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and it's hard to let him go, but it's what I have to do.

[InLoKo]

I'm full of admiration for you, I really am. Wow! What a great attitude you have. I think you're handling this magnificently. I hope you get exactly what you want in your life and more, you really deserve to.

[ThatAngelGirl]

Thanks Inloko, I appreciate it =) I hope I get what I want but I'm not even sure what that is exactly. I'm so torn. I don't know what's going to happen between us. He loves me, he's with her. She's practically moved in with him now. I wanted to hate him but couldn't. I'm struggling right now. It's difficult not knowing if I'll ever be able to accept him back if he wants to get back with me. There are so many uncertainties.

[ThatAngelGirl]

Hi all,

The kids spent the night with him last Saturday and met his gf. They said she's very nice, etc. I didn't realize she'd be spending the night while they were there but I guess there's nothing I can do about that. I'm concerned they're going to get close to her and things aren't going to work out and they'll be hurt, but it's not my business to say anything. Yeah, I'm still somewhat jealous but that isn't the point. I love the kids dearly and don't want to see them going through anymore pain.

 

He called yesterday because I hadn't contacted him for a few days. He said he was worried about us and wanted to make sure everything was okay. I told him things were great and no need to be worried. He didn't sound too excited about me telling him I was doing great but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't let him know.

 

He asked if it would be alright to stop and see the kids later yesterday evening and I said sure. Then he asked if he could add my msn addy to his buddy list so he could talk to me when he was online. I thought no at first but gave it to him anyway. I'm not sure why he'd want it now, he didn't ask for it while we were still together.. oh well.

 

He showed up around 8 yesterday evening and our oldest son wanted a ride to a friends.. so he took him there. He was here for maybe 5 minutes. He said he was going to go home and eat dinner because his gf was waiting. I figured he'd leave then come back for a little while to see the kids and then go pick our son back up and drop him off, but he didn't come back. He waited for our son to call him on his cell then his gf rode with him to pick him up and they let him out in front of the house. The other kids were really disappointed because they chose to stay home from a dance to see their dad. I told them he was probably tired and they'd be able to spend time with them soon and that there would be many more dances. (I hate making excuses for him)

 

Today, he messaged me on msn and started a conversation. I'm not sure it's a good thing to be talking to him online but I'm keeping it simple, nothing about us.. just normal everyday talk.. about the kids and what not. Do you think it's a bad idea or might this be a step in the right direction? I'm so confused. Blah!

[caretoomuch]

Angel,

 

I felt as you did when my wife left me after 16 years. we only had 2 kids but the pain is the same. I may be out of line here but when i read this thread all i can think is that this bloke is an a@@hole. From my own personal point of view (for what it is worth) is that if i loved someone i could not be with someone else. when i was in love that person filled my every thought and all i wanted was to be with them. i get the feeling that this bloke knows what he is doing and wants it but is just feeling guilty towards the kids and the family and that is why he is acting the way he is. love is 100% and not 50% and then shared 50% with another. I would not have hatred of the other woman (as she is like you - in love with this man) i would hate him because what he is doing is not love.

 

do you want him back ???? yes or no ??? dont stay with him for the kids. from my experience kids handle and understand separation better than adults and they adapt very quickly ... do you want him ?

 

if yes then give him an ultimatum if no then talk to the solicitors and get him to pay maintenance and cut him out of your life. let him enjoy his children as he has a right to that but de-power his influence over you and take charge of him. forgiveness is good and understanding the why is good ... if you want him then be strong and tell him all or nothing.

 

sorry ... but this is not love. this is not confusion. this is not a mid-life crisis. this is a man full of guilt and ashamed of his actions. but still he goes on .... mid-life crisis is just another way of saying that a person is a selfish pri#k and has no understanding what real love is...

 

for what it is worth ....

 

cheers

[ThatAngelGirl]

"APPLAUDING caretoomuch"

 

Oh I feel so stupid but at the same time, I feel so much better. Let me tell you what happened today.....

 

6:50 am the phone rings. I look at the caller id and it's his cell. I think about not answering but his aunt's been sick, so I think it might be an emergency. He's on the other end. He sounds upset. I ask what's wrong.. and he says he just wanted to hear my voice. It's his day off and his gf has already left for work. I ask him if he's sure he's okay, he says no. Then tells me they're having problems. She's SOOO moody, he says. He tells me that she has very low self-esteem and she's been cranky. Yesterday she said to him, she's afraid if she has kids with him, he'll leave her. (Gee, wonder what gave her that idea.) He said he assured her that wasn't the case and they went to sleep. This morning, he couldn't get it up to have sex... well I guess that set her off too and she went to the bathroom to cry (I'm not sure I want my kids with her, she sounds a little unstable lol) ANYWAY... I guess he tried to explain to her that it happens sometimes and she just got ready and left for work. WTF does he call me for??? I told him, Hey I'm your friend, you need to talk that's fine. I'm seriously trying to be a friend to him at this point. Then he starts telling me how much he misses me and how he was so used to me and it's difficult getting used to someone else.

 

He asked if he could stop over and see our son before I took him to the doctor. I told him alright. Well, when he gets here, he breaks down bawling, telling me how sorry he is, how confused he is, how he doesn't want to hurt me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. Well, I was holding him while he was crying, and well, he kissed me. One thing was leading to another and I stopped it. I told him I didn't think it was good to get caught up in the heat of the moment and do something we'll regret. He said I was right.

 

I asked him why he called me out of everyone he could have called. He said because I'm so easy to talk to. OKAY. I told him he needed to think about what he was doing and consider everything. I explained to him that I still had plenty of love for him at this point and if he wasn't happy we could see what happens with us. He was all smiles, telling me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, how he is sorry for ever hurting me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I had to get my son to the dr so he leaves. He said he'd be back in the afternoon.

 

Sure enough, he shows up this afternoon but something is different. I decided while I was waiting to see the dr that it was now or never. How dare he try to get me to make him feel better because his new gf has upset him?? I decided to give him an ultimatum. I was planning to have my mother come get the kids so we could be alone to talk.. but no, he didn't have the time to talk. I stopped him from walking out and said "Talk to me NOW because I'm only going to offer this once" He stayed and listened to what I had to say. I told him it's me or her, that's it.. if less than 2 months with her is more important than 14 years and 5 kids, then that's that. Well, he said "Don't put me in this position" I told him too bad, you're already in it. Now decide. He tried to walk out but I stood in front of the door. He started to cry saying he hates himself right now. He said he was sorry if I thought he wanted to get back together but I read it all wrong. EXCUSE ME? He loves me, misses me, I'm precious to him.. bullcrap! I read nothing wrong.

 

He starts to walk out the door saying he's really sorry. This time I tell him I don't think he knows what love is and that he should be sorry. He told me she'd done nothing wrong to him to deserve him to just leave her and that he loves her. Okie doke. Fine. I told him that after the crap he pulled today to NEVER call me again whining about her. As a matter of fact, I don't care to talk to him at all. I'm taking him off my msn and when he wants to see the kids, he can arrange to pick them up at my mother's or his. I've completely had it. Today his straw broke the camels back. At this moment, I honestly feel better because I know where I stand now and I can move forward. I just can't deal with him right now, maybe someday we'll be on speaking terms again but I'm afraid I've lost all respect for him.

 

Thanks again for all your help and advice =)

[SoleMate]

Thank God this horrible phase is over. How can he put food in a mouth that also spews such lies??

 

We'll never know.

[caretoomuch]

Angel,

 

well done as it must have taken real strength to give this ultimatum. As you said 'he doesnt know what real love is'. i am sorry for your lose but in time you will move on and hopefully find something better. from a male point of view i cannot understand how someone could do this to another. love is all or nothing not 50/50 split. sounds like the new gf has worked him out already and her fears are surfacing. you must prepare yourself for the upcoming storm when the new gf leaves him ... he will be a mess then. you must ask yourself now will you consider reconciliation then as he will be around your place very quickly.

 

you offered reconciliation and he refused ... then he doesnt want it ... he just want a bit on the side and you are not that.

 

bravo for your stance

 

beware the approaching storm and secure the hatches ... good luck

 

cheers from australia.