It happened.......

[2sunny]

you need to tell her. you owe her the truth... that way she can decide if the R is worth working on or she walks away. to marry her with this lie will eat away at anything you have that seemed once happy.

[Space Ritual]

I agree with Dexter. Dude you has ex with PROSTITUTE IN A MASSAGE PARLOR. Slice it any way you want(massage therapist, etc...she was a prostitute). Please don't blame booze on this type of behavior and please dont tell us you initially werte doing thsi for yoru single friend. You knew exactly what you were doing the minute you crossed the door.

 

The sad thing is that most people who cheat seem to never admit that it was aq decision they can control...see things don't get out of hand...you make them get out of hand. These are conscious decisions.

 

Now as to telling your GF...what you are doing by not telling her is protecting yourself. You did the deed but simply lack the maturity to own your own choices, under the guise that you are protecting your GF.

 

and believe me, you will do this again if you can get away with it. You don't seem to feel THAT guilty.

 

The second you decided to cheat with the hooker, you lost the choice to make the decision about the future of your relationship. so if you are to learn from this experience, you need to tell your GF, and let her decide whether or not to continue. Part if being an adult is being responsible, and being responsible means accepting fully the consequences of our actions, whether for good or bad.

also remember that condoms do not prevent disease 100 percent also, so by not telling your GF and hiding this you are jeopardizing your GF's health. come on man, this was a hooker, god only knows how many other men she serviced that night before your time came up.

 

Do the right thing. Tell your GF and accept your consequences.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Except that piece of paper represents a legal binding, and would need a divorce, lawyers, and lots of time and money to end.

 

So my point stands, it is not an affair and that is fact. It doesn't matter what you think is ridiculous.

By definition, you can have an affair whether you're married or not:

an intense amorous relationship, usually of short duration.

I think what you're thinking of is EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR. There's a reason that "extramarital" precedes "affair."

[SoulSearch_CO]

Anyone else with experiences....yea the full service meant sexual intercourse. Now say for example that I tell her and then she kick me to the curb and we will both miss out on having a family together with kids and a house and all that stuff. I honestly can't even think of being or dating another girl.

Why don't you just go **** another hooker? Because your choices are selfish, selfish, selfish. I think she deserves to know how utterly selfish and thoughtless you are and let her make her own decision given ALL the information. It should not be up to YOU at this point whether you get to have all of that - you made that decision when you ****ed the masseuse. Too late. Game over. It's her choice, now. To rob her of all the info she needs to make such a decision is SELFISH.

[meerkat stew]

Caveat: have not experienced cheating from the cheater side, only from the being cheated on side.

 

I disagree with everyone else, and think you should keep it to yourself. Everyone should have one "-1-" "get out of jail free card" in life at their own, and no one else's discretion, and you have the choice of using yours here... for the rest of your time with this woman.

 

If this were anything other than a single drunken trip to a massage parlor, if there were any amount of emotional involvement, would agree with everyone else. But in this case, I don't. No one is purely innocent, no one is without a secret. Go forth and sin no more. The angst should go away after awhile and IMO, there's no reason to think you will get caught.

[dazzle22]

Well, only you can live with this guilt, but I have to agree with the other poster that women are very good at sniffing stuff like this out. I have told my husband, you can tell me almost anything that is true, and I will try to accept it and deal with it and understand it, but HIDE a major betrayal from me that I find out about later by accident or from someone else, and that is it!

 

What another poster said was brilliant, that by not telling you are actually taking away her right to choose based on the facts. That is how I would feel.

 

That being said, I can understand your panic and not wanting to tell. Give yourself the grace of a few more days to sort this out...On another note, this is why I am not a fan of my husband going to whore holes like Vegas with his buddies! Things "escalate"..and guys do together what they wouldn't think of alone...

 

One of my friends cheated on her husband 20 years ago, and then one night, couldn't stand it anymore and blurted it out. Let me tell you, her husband was VERY ticked about the TIME DELAY! And given how guilty you sound, this could happen to you.

 

Cheating is cheating, but to me it would make some difference if it were a hand job or a blow job or full on intercourse. Hand job maybe in a few years I could forgive, blow job, I'd have to hurt you, full on intercourse, sorry, would have to kill you..

[FilthMerchant]

If you're going to break-up, tell her you cheated, the hatred will speed up the moving-on process for her. The least you could do...

[NoIDidn't]

You had sex with a massage palor hooker?! And you want to keep that a secret from your girl?

 

The fact that it was under drunken circumstances and with a complete stranger are the issues for me. Of course, you should tell her and let the chips fall where they may.

 

You are putting your own AND her health at risk here. There is no get out of jail free card for herpes or some other incurable STI. If you got one from your *masseuse* and give it to her, she WILL find out anyway.

 

If you don't tell, the guilt will likely consume you for some time and she'll probably walk because you're acting funny and won't tell her why.

[Brody]

ok ok i get it people, thanks for the advice. Seems like everybody agrees on the fact that i should tell her. And maybe i will at some point. maybe. The reason i say maybe...no wait...the reason i say i probably will not tell her is that i've worked hard on this relationship, she has worked hard on it. I've done nothing but good and great things for her for the last 3 years. we've went on many trips, many memories and through some tough times of both of us being in school and not having money to have fun. now everything seems to prospect and our families are close. we both value the relationship. i value it, i truly do. i cant even imagine being with another girl. So, ill keep it to myself because i believe everyone has a chance to recover and fix themselves. i know i would forgive her if she would have made out with someone. Cuz we are humans and not machines. Does it sounds like im making an excuse...maybe i am but thats all i got and as long as im in the relationship i will aways have a say. if she senses that im funny and cracks me open...fine so be it. but i will try my absolute best to make it work and so far before the cheating i have succeded greatly. It was a mistake and honest mistake but she doesnt have to know. I will not let one stupid night at 23 years old with no feeling; affection or enjoyment possible ruin hers and mine future that could last till we are in 60s and playing with grandkids. I do realize that it is what it really is and i will never erase that from my mind. it will always keep me sane from doing this ever again or even thinking about it.

[an hero]

You made a mistake Brody. Don't let some people you've never met on an internet forum tell you how to live your life. If you don't want to tell her, then so be it. I know the feeling of longing you have, just to take what you did back. Unfortunately it isn't a bad dream- this is reality. I hope it works out for you. The best case scenario would be for you to tell her, and for you two to eventually work it out.

[Space Ritual]

ok ok i get it people, thanks for the advice. Seems like everybody agrees on the fact that i should tell her. And maybe i will at some point. maybe. The reason i say maybe...no wait...the reason i say i probably will not tell her is that i've worked hard on this relationship, she has worked hard on it. I've done nothing but good and great things for her for the last 3 years. we've went on many trips, many memories and through some tough times of both of us being in school and not having money to have fun. now everything seems to prospect and our families are close. we both value the relationship. i value it, i truly do. i cant even imagine being with another girl. So, ill keep it to myself because i believe everyone has a chance to recover and fix themselves. i know i would forgive her if she would have made out with someone. Cuz we are humans and not machines. Does it sounds like im making an excuse...maybe i am but thats all i got and as long as im in the relationship i will aways have a say. if she senses that im funny and cracks me open...fine so be it. but i will try my absolute best to make it work and so far before the cheating i have succeded greatly. It was a mistake and honest mistake but she doesnt have to know. I will not let one stupid night at 23 years old with no feeling; affection or enjoyment possible ruin hers and mine future that could last till we are in 60s and playing with grandkids. I do realize that it is what it really is and i will never erase that from my mind. it will always keep me sane from doing this ever again or even thinking about it.

 

Unbelievable....you call this a mistake...you had sex with a hooker. You understand now that you base your whole relationship on a lie. You cant possibly love your GF and put her at physical risk of some STD because you cant' have enough common sense or common decency to handle your liquor and keep you pee pee in your pants. Jeeze, what if some chick smiles at you on your paper route? are you gonna chalk that up to another mistake?

 

what I am trying to say is that you simply lack maturity. and for the poster "an hero" I don't quite get why you would say what you did in the first sentence of your response You see, people come here for advice. You don't have to take it of course, but see that is the goal here, to provide relationship advice. What feeling of "longing" does Drody have? lol....to have a feeling of longing you would have to have feelings of compassion for another person, not feelings arrogance and delusion. That is what being human is about, Brody. Not the other way around.

Your response belies the fact that it is all about you, and you don't love your GF one bit. You only love yourself. That is painfully obvious.

 

 

I take it that the advice given was not what you wanted to hear, Brody. I'm sorry, but no one in their right mind would ever tell you this is a good thing or that being dishonest with someone you purport to love will be a good foundation for a meaningful relationship. None of us would be responsible adults if we didnt tell you what we thought. You came here seeking advice. You did not get what you wanted to hear. You got what you NEEDED to hear.

 

But don't take my word for it. Try living and try growing in the relationship based on this lie. You will succeed only in seeing yourself justified to keep this behavior going in the future. So what happens down the road if you get this girl pregnant? Think about 2 or three years down the road when you have a kid with this poor woman and she feels something wrong someday and starts going through your phone. I am sure if you are arrogant enough to screw hookers when you are in a relationship, you certainly will be arrogant enough to keep some skank's number in your phone.

You are unique...just like everybody else. These are not mistakes, Brody, these are real life consequences that you will someday face.

 

I wish you luck, you sure as hell are gonna need some. and I feel very very sorry for the poor woman that gives her love to you unconditionally, because its wasted on you.

[an hero]

Unbelievable....you call this a mistake...you had sex with a hooker. You understand now that you base your whole relationship on a lie. You cant possibly love your GF and put her at physical risk of some STD because you cant' have enough common sense or common decency to handle your liquor and keep you pee pee in your pants. Jeeze, what if some chick smiles at you on your paper route? are you gonna chalk that up to another mistake?

 

what I am trying to say is that you simply lack maturity. and for the poster "an hero" I don't quite get why you would say what you did in the first sentence of your response You see, people come here for advice. You don't have to take it of course, but see that is the goal here, to provide relationship advice. What feeling of "longing" does Drody have? lol....to have a feeling of longing you would have to have feelings of compassion for another person, not feelings arrogance and delusion. That is what being human is about, Brody. Not the other way around.

Your response belies the fact that it is all about you, and you don't love your GF one bit. You only love yourself. That is painfully obvious.

 

 

I take it that the advice given was not what you wanted to hear, Brody. I'm sorry, but no one in their right mind would ever tell you this is a good thing or that being dishonest with someone you purport to love will be a good foundation for a meaningful relationship. None of us would be responsible adults if we didnt tell you what we thought. You came here seeking advice. You did not get what you wanted to hear. You got what you NEEDED to hear.

 

But don't take my word for it. Try living and try growing in the relationship based on this lie. You will succeed only in seeing yourself justified to keep this behavior going in the future. So what happens down the road if you get this girl pregnant? Think about 2 or three years down the road when you have a kid with this poor woman and she feels something wrong someday and starts going through your phone. I am sure if you are arrogant enough to screw hookers when you are in a relationship, you certainly will be arrogant enough to keep some skank's number in your phone.

You are unique...just like everybody else. These are not mistakes, Brody, these are real life consequences that you will someday face.

 

I wish you luck, you sure as hell are gonna need some. and I feel very very sorry for the poor woman that gives her love to you unconditionally, because its wasted on you.

 

I was talking about the longing to erase what has been done..

 

You are right in telling him what he did was unbelievably wrong, and that he should tell his girlfriend what happened. But you have no right to tell Brody whether or not he loves his girlfriend.

 

Emotional maturity may be a factor here, but you live and learn. Posters like Space Ritual are a dime a dozen on this board. They have this warped little perception in their mind in which they can make massive assessments on people's relationships and lives based on a paragraph of information.

 

This is a big thing to swallow and keep down Brody. I don't think you are up to it from what I've read.

[Bejita463]

I've done nothing but good and great things for her

 

Then you've nothing to hide from her or lie about, do you?

 

You are right in telling him what he did was unbelievably wrong, and that he should tell his girlfriend what happened. But you have no right to tell Brody whether or not he loves his girlfriend.

 

True enough, but basic logic tends to lend weight to the fact that if you are willing to do something so horrible to someone that you are supposed to love, there is something wrong. The thought of someone I love being merely disappointed in me is horrifying to me, and something like cheating is quite a bit more significant than that. That "love" is not actually a part of the equation is not an unreasonable assessment, considering that.

 

Not saying it is right, but it is a conclusion that is not entirely unsupported.

Edited December 17, 2009 by Bejita463
Extra quoteblock.

[Brody]

I'm glad I posted the thread, and I'm glad all the responses from you guys. It actually helps me to sort this thing out. Whatever the outcome will be I will definately keep you guys posted. Thanks again for everyone's opinions and time but more are always welcome.

[Dexter Morgan]

You made a mistake Brody. Don't let some people you've never met on an internet forum tell you how to live your life.

 

uh...isn't that what coming on here and seeing what others think he should do just that?

 

He wants opinions, and he is getting them. If he doesn't want insight from others as to how to proceed, or in your words live his life, then he shouldn't ask the questions...should he?

[Dexter Morgan]

you have no right to tell Brody whether or not he loves his girlfriend.

 

we have every right. whether it holds true for him or not is up to him. But we can call it like we see it.

 

and funny, I never once felt love for someone, then went out for a night of guy fun and screwed another woman. no way I love her if I do that behind her back.

 

 

Emotional maturity may be a factor here, but you live and learn. Posters like Space Ritual are a dime a dozen on this board. They have this warped little perception in their mind in which they can make massive assessments on people's relationships and lives based on a paragraph of information.

 

but its ok for you to insinuate he is immature(which I don't disagree)......hmmmm....interesting

[an hero]

I said MAY be a factor here. Stop grabbing at straws when somebody disagrees with your fascist viewpoints.

 

I was just saying that telling somebody that they don't love their girlfriend is completely stupid.

[harmfulsweetz]

ok ok i get it people, thanks for the advice. Seems like everybody agrees on the fact that i should tell her. And maybe i will at some point. maybe. The reason i say maybe...no wait...the reason i say i probably will not tell her is that i've worked hard on this relationship, she has worked hard on it. I've done nothing but good and great things for her for the last 3 years. we've went on many trips, many memories and through some tough times of both of us being in school and not having money to have fun. now everything seems to prospect and our families are close. we both value the relationship. i value it, i truly do. i cant even imagine being with another girl. So, ill keep it to myself because i believe everyone has a chance to recover and fix themselves. i know i would forgive her if she would have made out with someone. Cuz we are humans and not machines. Does it sounds like im making an excuse...maybe i am but thats all i got and as long as im in the relationship i will aways have a say. if she senses that im funny and cracks me open...fine so be it. but i will try my absolute best to make it work and so far before the cheating i have succeded greatly. It was a mistake and honest mistake but she doesnt have to know. I will not let one stupid night at 23 years old with no feeling; affection or enjoyment possible ruin hers and mine future that could last till we are in 60s and playing with grandkids. I do realize that it is what it really is and i will never erase that from my mind. it will always keep me sane from doing this ever again or even thinking about it.

If you're being honest, you are just too much of a coward to face up to what you have done and the consequences of your actions. You say you would forgive her, would you? Is that not just your way of giving yourself a get out of jailfree card? I've cheated. I told him. Didn't want to, didn't enjoy doing it one iota, hated myself through and through, but you know what? I'm glad I told him, it hurt him yes, but isn't it better to be honest, and have no clouds hanging over you, knowing that you, gave her the fair opportunity to make her own mind up?

 

I agree with every poster that says you are being selfish, and Dexter when he said you don't love your gf, if you did, truly, you would 'fess up. I can accept the action, but the way you are so intent on justifying covering it up, removing any chance she has of deciding her future based on truth, is absolutely dispicable. It's unreal, you wanted validation, not honest, sound advice. She may forgive you, she may not. But isn't that up to her now, and not you? You relinquished your right to any say in what future you guys get the moment you stepped over the door of that whorehouse.

 

Man up, and do the decent thing. It'll hurt, and it may ruin your relationship, but if you cared that much, why do it in the first place? Why not say, 'look I don't wanna go there, I love my girl, and it's not right?' I think you know you need to do it, but you can't feel that guilty if you are happy to keep her there like a fool believing in you, and believing your R is gold, when really it's only the fake stuff that goes green after it gets wet.

[harmfulsweetz]

I was talking about the longing to erase what has been done..

 

You are right in telling him what he did was unbelievably wrong, and that he should tell his girlfriend what happened. But you have no right to tell Brody whether or not he loves his girlfriend.

 

Emotional maturity may be a factor here, but you live and learn. Posters like Space Ritual are a dime a dozen on this board. They have this warped little perception in their mind in which they can make massive assessments on people's relationships and lives based on a paragraph of information.

 

This is a big thing to swallow and keep down Brody. I don't think you are up to it from what I've read.

 

 

See, when I came here looking for advice, I thought pretty much the same. I thought 'wow, harsh.' But you know what? They were entirely right. It's not warped, it's honesty. If you hang your dirty laundry for all to see, then expect them to see it, and criticise, and judge, and give opinions. He wanted opinions, real, honest, sound opinions and advice, he got them. It's up to him what he chooses to use the advice for, and I'm sure it won't be to do the right thing, because so often we find that they don't because they like having their cake and eating it too. And somewhere down the line, there'll be another guy's night, and it'll happen again-he got away with it once, right?!

[RedDevil66]

you know, I do think he loves his GF, but in a "young man sort of just finding himself" way

There is different versions of love and yes, this is sort of superficial, young love.

True love, unconditional love, love with all door open doesn't look like this, but when I was 23, I didn't learn this sort of love either.

 

It's takes time, life lessons and a lot of spiritual growth to gain unconditional love.

 

Brody, do what you need to in order to get through each day. If you tell her, great, that puts you one step closed to emotional maturity, if you don't, then that is ok also. We all grow at our own pace

[dazzle22]

You are young, and when we are young, we all really screw up some relationships. If I were you I would not decide one way or another for at least two weeks. Just sit with it, and most of all, try to put yourself in her shoes.

 

You could perhaps start a hypothetical discussion about dealbreakers in relationships, and feel out her thoughts on infidelity, whether she can see certain things as forgiveable. My advice would be if she tells you that a hypothetical incident like what you did would be a total deal breaker for her, then the honorable thing would be to break up.

 

It sounds like whatever you decide, this incident is teaching you a good life lesson for the future.

[Brody]

Thanks again for all the replies. I'll think very hard about all this and there's not a minute in a day that i dont. Maybe i'll give it some time and if i dont find a solution other than telling her, I will. Because i do love her. And if she does break up with me than i definately deserve it. Like i said either way i'll let you guys know. Another question how old is the public here, because im really considering your guys advices but if most of you are 20 or whatever than i would think twice:)

 

Thanks again

[Brody]

 

It sounds like whatever you decide, this incident is teaching you a good life lesson for the future.

 

 

Oh you have no idea how much of a lesson i got from this. This is the second or first worst thing i've done in my life.:(

[dazzle22]

I can tell you are really taking this all to heart, and that is great. Some guys do this kind of stuff and feel no remorse. And you have quite a bit of ego strength to put up with the "pounding" we all have given you, and still be gracious. BTW, I am 53...

[Bejita463]

im really considering your guys advices but if most of you are 20 or whatever than i would think twice:)

 

I don't think someone who is on a forum asking for advice on how to handle the fact they stuck their dick in another woman while in a committed relationship is in a position to judge the maturity of others. To answer your question though, I am 27. Even when I was only "20 or whatever" I would only have needed to think once to know where my penis did and did not belong.

Edited December 19, 2009 by Bejita463