Now I've done it...

[SophieA]

I feel terrible this morning.

 

My boyfriend is home on break from med school for about a month. We've dated over 6 years now (about a year long distance) and I love him like crazy and can't wait to be his wife.

 

Last night, as we were lying in bed talking, I began to cry. He asked me why and I told him because I am tired of waiting for a proposal and am scared that he's just stringing me along.

 

This caused a mega fight.

 

First he laughed. I told him I didn't appreciate him laughing at me while I was crying and while I was trying to discuss something very dear to me.

 

Then he claimed we've already discussed it. I explained we did discuss it once, before he left, and there was no timeline talked about. He simply said "leave it up to me."

 

He said he was very hurt that I don't trust him to take the next step when he is ready. He said he was very upset that by now I didn't know he wanted to marry me someday.

 

LSers, how am I to know if he hasn't asked?

 

We were silent for a moment and then I begged him through my tears, "It's been over 6 years!! Act, or let me go!"

 

He went on to say that he doesn't want to make a commitment like that when he is so far away. (He will be back for good, to start clinicals, at this time in 2010.)

 

I don't know why I acted that way. I guess just let everything build up until I exploded like a bomb. *sigh*

 

I don't really even know what my question is.

 

I guess I just wanted to let out my frustration that I caused this stupid fight. I told myself I would just keep silent about it and set a timeline in my head...if he hadn't asked by then, I'd just walk.

[Rollercoasterr]

While I understand that he doesn't want to do it when he's so far away, it's been 6 years!! Time for him to fish or cut bait!

 

Are you 100% certain that he actually ever wants to get married?? Men have a funny little way of stringing women along when their intentions were to never get married. Not saying that we women haven't done the same thing (woman who never wants to marry decides 5 years in that it's ALL she wants), but still. It hurts like hell.

[SophieA]

Hey RC. Yes, I am certain he wants to get married. He has told me many times that he wants to get married and have a baby (possibly 2).

 

I told him last night that I will not "play house with him" when he comes home for good next year. I said I am not moving in with any man without being engaged.

 

He emailed me at work a few hours ago and it said "I am sorry I laughed last night. I just think it's silly that you still doubt how much I love you and want you to be Mrs. B. I am glad that you can respect the fact that I want to wait until we can physically be together to propose to you. I love you very much and I promise it will be worth the wait."

 

So...I suppose I just give him 13 more months or so since he seems dead set on being back for good before proposing.

 

I just wish I could have had this talk with him last night without crying and freaking out.

 

Oh well. It's done now and can't be undone.

[northstar1]

Sophie

 

Were you not just posting the other day about how lost you are about what you want to do in life? Why the panic now about marriage? Aren't you only 25? I know it's easy to feel lost at that age if you don't have a solid plan in place, but you are still young and have a clear road to do what you want to do.

 

If your bf is still in med school, his focus is on that and finishing that up and probably not getting engaged and having to discuss nuptial details.

 

If he is committed to you and will be back where you are in a year, then why the panic now?

[SophieA]

Sophie

 

Were you not just posting the other day about how lost you are about what you want to do in life? Why the panic now about marriage? Aren't you only 25? I know it's easy to feel lost at that age if you don't have a solid plan in place, but you are still young and have a clear road to do what you want to do.

 

If your bf is still in med school, his focus is on that and finishing that up and probably not getting engaged and having to discuss nuptial details.

 

If he is committed to you and will be back where you are in a year, then why the panic now?

 

NS-

 

Haha! You are good! Yes! I just posted the in the confession section about not knowing what I want to do as far as a career and how I am going to accomplish what I wish to have in this life.

 

About the only thing I do have figured out is that I want a home and a family. I grew up with two very loving parents who adored each other and all of us girls and I am lucky for that.

 

Yes, I am 25. Yes, I am young. But I also don't want to be in my mid 30's and searching for a partner in life. I believe I'd like to start a family in my mid 30's and I want to be married first.

 

I am also a little bit panicked b/c he has asked me to postpone school for one semester. He asked me to choose a school near his clinicals and wait for him so that we can move in together when he gets back next year.

 

Kind of a hard pill to swallow when I don't have a ring on my finger. Although I know you'll probably say a commitment doesn't guarantee anything anyway.

Edited December 16, 2009 by SophieA

[Rollercoasterr]

Sophie, I don't think it's right or fair for him to ask you to postpone your school for a semester or to find one closer to him. You've been all about him this entire relationship, and I think it's time something was about you.

 

Now I'm not saying he should propose to you just because you want it, but I'm saying that he needs to support you in your academic endeavors the way you support him. It just feels off to me that he doesn't want to propose, yet he wants you to put your life on hold. I wouldn't do it, but that's just me.

[northstar1]

NS-

 

Haha! You are good! Yes! I just posted the in the confession section about not knowing what I want to do as far as a career and how I am going to accomplish what I wish to have in this life.

 

About the only thing I do have figured out is that I want a home and a family. I grew up with two very loving parents who adored each other and all of us girls and I am lucky for that.

 

Yes, I am 25. Yes, I am young. But I also don't want to be in my mid 30's and searching for a partner in life. I believe I'd like to start a family in my mid 30's and I want to be married first.

 

I am also a little bit panicked b/c he has asked me to postpone school for one semester. He asked me to choose a school near his clinicals and wait for him so that we can move in together when he gets back next year.

 

Kind of a hard pill to swallow when I don't have a ring on my finger. Although I know you'll probably say a commitment doesn't guarantee anything anyway.

 

Well, now, I wouldn't go about postponing your own education to wait for him to move in together. That's asking a bit much.

[SophieA]

---> Would also like to add that even though I am unsure what I want to do as far as a career...I don't really think that has much to do with my wanting marriage/family.

 

Unfortunately, not everyone gets to work their dream job. I enjoy what I am studying now and hope that I can find a career that is at least more fullfilling than what I do now. Just have NO CLUE what that might be...

 

RC-

 

I agree with you. That is why this is so difficult.

 

I have supported and supported him through it all. I would be happy to wait one semester (I work full time as well, so I wouldn't just be twiddling my thumbs) if we were engaged. I have explained this to him but he continues to say that he wants to wait until he comes home at this time next year.

 

He just says he doesn't feel right asking me to marry him and then going back to the UK and doing a long distance engagement.

[SophieA]

just to clarify:

 

 

I will graduate in May 2010 (with an associates) and was planning to begin working on my bachelor's in this new field in August 2010.

 

He will be home for good in December 2010. He is asking me not to go to school for that August-Dec semester, instead I wait for him, we move in together, and I choose a school around Chicago where he will do his clinicals.

[northstar1]

just to clarify:

 

 

I will graduate in May 2010 (with an associates) and was planning to begin working on my bachelor's in this new field in August 2010.

 

He will be home for good in December 2010. He is asking me not to go to school for that August-Dec semester, instead I wait for him, we move in together, and I choose a school around Chicago where he will do his clinicals.

 

And what do you want to do?

[Rollercoasterr]

I'd say hell no to that request unless he wants to cough up a diamond. You're graduating sooner than he is!!! Your educational needs should come first in this case.

 

Why does he HAVE to go to Chicago?? Can he not do his clinicals near you, instead?

 

Okay, I'm getting a thought. If you were to go to school where you are now, and he were to do his clinicals in Chicago, would that not mean you'd still be an LDR? Would that not also mean he would still not be proposing???

 

I'm not sure of your geographic location, so this could be totally off base.

[SophieA]

And what do you want to do?

 

 

*sigh* I honestly do not know. I don't know how to decide either. If I wait, then we can be together. If I don't wait and end up choosing a school far away, then the LD continues.

 

If he doesn't propose in the next 13 months, I'm walking anyway.

 

And that's easier said than done b/c this guy is amazing.

[SophieA]

I'd say hell no to that request unless he wants to cough up a diamond. You're graduating sooner than he is!!! Your educational needs should come first in this case.

 

Why does he HAVE to go to Chicago?? Can he not do his clinicals near you, instead?

 

Okay, I'm getting a thought. If you were to go to school where you are now, and he were to do his clinicals in Chicago, would that not mean you'd still be an LDR? Would that not also mean he would still not be proposing???

 

I'm not sure of your geographic location, so this could be totally off base.

 

 

We live very close to Chicago. So he would be coming home to do clinicals in Chicago, I'd pick a school in Chicago, and our LD would end.

[quankanne]

He asked me to choose a school near his clinicals and wait for him so that we can move in together when he gets back next year.

 

ask him if he plans to be married to you or if he just wants to shack up – either way, you'll know his intentions.

 

I totally get not wanting to start a marriage as a long-distance couple, but others have made it work (*raises hand*) ... I won't lie and say there aren't hard moments, but it CAN work out.

 

that said, why would he think postponing a semester of school is a smart thing, esp. when he's not committing to anything more than "I love you"?

 

I say do what you need to do to achieve your goals – if that means transferring to a school in Chicago at the end of 2010 to be nearer to him, then so be it. He probably has a plan worked out, but unfortunately, you're no mind-reader, and you really need to be let in the loop so that you can respond accordingly.

 

just my 2 cents!

[BlackLovely]

Sophie, you have given this man too much power over you! Why should you wait for him for so long? What about your needs? It seems like you are putting much more into this relationship than he is.

 

Never cry or beg for a ring. A man will view you as pathetic if you do that. He will also disrespect you if he knows you will do whatever he says.

 

I don't believe in LD relationships because they are based in fantasy. I mean, how do you know he's not banging hot coeds when you're not around? Of course, bear in mind that I grew up seeing all the men in my family cheat, so I don't trust men or their motives. I may be engaged, but I've learned what happens to women who naively trust their men; they get hurt.

 

Love yourself more than you love anyone else and you will be happy.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Forgive me because I admit to being a bit slow, but if you are near Chicago, and his clinicals will be in Chicago and you are looking to go to school there..why would you have to wait for him to get there to start your own schooling? Wouldn't you be living there regardless?

[SophieA]

Forgive me because I admit to being a bit slow, but if you are near Chicago, and his clinicals will be in Chicago and you are looking to go to school there..why would you have to wait for him to get there to start your own schooling? Wouldn't you be living there regardless?

 

 

Our home town is close to Chicago, but not THAT close. 60ish miles away. He plans to move into the city for his clinicals.

 

And I am not necessarily ONLY looking at going to school in Chicago. Although I haven't ruled it out of course.

[Mary3]

This is my 2 cents :

 

You have some guys that rush the marriage and ask you 2 to 4 weeks in if you will marry them . ( We know thats nuts and not a sign of a emotionally stable guy )

 

Then you have the guys who want to wait to get to know you ( We can rule this out because its been 6 years )

 

Then you have the guys who really do have a goal and they dont want to ask you to marry them until they are ready . ( Seems a bit selfish to some but not the guy )

 

Then you have the guy that has no intention of EVER marrying you and he strings you along because your are GIB , fun , sexy , crazy but obviously not wifey material for him .

 

I don't think he is stringing you along. He sounds like the third guy . He may have his own timetable., His strong points are : He thought you were kidding , he assured you he loved you and is going to ask you , and he wants you to wait.

 

I think if he was messing with you he would have stormed out and thought " NO women is going to force me to marry her " But he didnt.

 

I have 2 scenarios for you. One a girl at work waited a year and asked the BF again if they were going to get married. He said he was not ready. She got a job offer in another city. He URGED her to TAKE IT....Once she had the furniture in the moving truck . He BROKE UP with her.

 

Scenario 2 . My friend told her bf of 3 years he either needed to marry her or she was leaving ( Remember he said he did NOT want to get married to her ALL ALONG ) but he caved in and married her....What success rate do you give that marriage ?

[SophieA]

This is my 2 cents :

 

You have some guys that rush the marriage and ask you 2 to 4 weeks in if you will marry them . ( We know thats nuts and not a sign of a emotionally stable guy )

 

Then you have the guys who want to wait to get to know you ( We can rule this out because its been 6 years )

 

Then you have the guys who really do have a goal and they dont want to ask you to marry them until they are ready . ( Seems a bit selfish to some but not the guy )

 

Then you have the guy that has no intention of EVER marrying you and he strings you along because your are GIB , fun , sexy , crazy but obviously not wifey material for him .

 

I don't think he is stringing you along. He sounds like the third guy . He may have his own timetable., His strong points are : He thought you were kidding , he assured you he loved you and is going to ask you , and he wants you to wait.

 

I think if he was messing with you he would have stormed out and thought " NO women is going to force me to marry her " But he didnt.

 

I have 2 scenarios for you. One a girl at work waited a year and asked the BF again if they were going to get married. He said he was not ready. She got a job offer in another city. He URGED her to TAKE IT....Once she had the furniture in the moving truck . He BROKE UP with her.

 

Scenario 2 . My friend told her bf of 3 years he either needed to marry her or she was leaving ( Remember he said he did NOT want to get married to her ALL ALONG ) but he caved in and married her....What success rate do you give that marriage ?

 

As far as scenario number 2 goes...I am not going to pressure anyone into marrying me! That's ridiculous.

 

He's mentioned marriage several times before and I was just going crazy silently waiting, hoping, wondering if he'd ever ask me to be his wife. After 6 years, a guy should know.

 

Unfortunately, I cried, exploded, and demanded that he act or let me go.

 

He told me he was waiting until he comes back so we don't have to start out our marriage LD. I have to accept that.

 

It's the whole school situation that mucks things up a bit.

[Mary3]

You are right. He should know.

 

 

A guy always wants to be the one who gets the idea for Marriage...

[doushenka]

Sophie, if you're still undecided about your new field, why would you jump right into a Bachelor's? Do you think the decision will come to you in the next four months (since, realistically speaking, you'd need to apply starting mid-spring semester for fall)? Can you narrow it down yet, or is the world still your oyster? Have you seen a career counselor for help? Your school will have plenty of these hanging around.

 

I don't normally side with men who tell their girlfriends to put their lives on hold, but I think your boyfriend might be picking up on some of your indecision. I think in this case you'd be wisest to take that fall semester off and get to know yourself better. Get a job, maybe; explore Chicago, since the two of you plan to live there. Suggest to your boyfriend that you can go ahead and find a home you two can share.

 

I wouldn't tell you to do that if I didn't think it would help. I graduated with my A.A.S. in June 2008, but I had no idea what I wanted next. Having taken the time to gauge both my interests and my motivations, I'm now more sure than ever that the path I intend to follow is the right one. I'll be twenty-four when I return to school for my B.F.A., but I don't regret the wait and I sure don't regret the exploration.

 

Take your time. You and I are still young, in the grand scheme of things. Julia Child didn't find her calling until she was in her thirties, and look how well that turned out for her!

 

I don't doubt for a second that your boyfriend loves you and means well. He wouldn't tell you "wait a year" if he wanted to leave. He wouldn't give you concrete reasons, like being at school abroad, for wanting to wait on an engagement. Trust him just this little while longer, and if he hurts you, by all means come back and say "I told you so!"

 

My gut says you'll be okay. I wish you much luck, and if you need to talk, you know where we are.

[Lauriebell82]

So he wants you to wait around and support his dreams, even if that means putting your's aside? That's selfish.

 

I agree that he probably does want to marry you, however he isn't being fair to you. He's basically expecting you to put your needs on hold to suit him. I don't blame you for breaking down and exploding, after 6 years I would too!

 

I have to tell you though from personal experience: if you trust that he is going to propose to you then wait. But do not rearrange your school schedule or your life to suit him. I would not take a semester off, but maybe search for schools nearbye and get your own apartment. Do not agree to move in together until he proposes. I think you need to take charge of your own life and don't let him keep controlling it.

 

Maybe if you show that you can stand on your own to feet and can be independent he will think: "Man I better get this girl before someone else snatches her up!"

 

Play a little "hard to get." I find that if I have other things to do or places to go my fiance says how much he misses me. But if it's me waiting for him at home and available he doesn't feel that way because I'm just right there.

[Tizzy]

"then I begged him through my tears, "It's been over 6 years!! Act, or let me go!"

You keep saying he should "let you go" if he's not going to marry you. No offense but that sounds really pathetic. You need to have power over yourself, not him. If you want to leave him, leave. Don't wait or ask for his permission. The whole tone of your posts make your rantings and cryings sound a little childish IMO. No man wants to marry a child. he wants a grown woman.

 

To me it sounds like what others are saying, he has goals he'd like to reach before getting married. Sounds like he likes you and is seriously considering marrying you at some point. Just not now. You have to decide if you're willing to wait and see what happens. If you like the guy and enjoy having him in your life, I say why not? What have you got to lose? Just relax and enjoy the ride. Give it another year or so and if he doesn't come through in the way you'd like him to and shows no signs of doing so, at least you can say you tried before giving up or whatever.

[SophieA]

"then I begged him through my tears, "It's been over 6 years!! Act, or let me go!"

 

You keep saying he should "let you go" if he's not going to marry you. No offense but that sounds really pathetic..

 

Hence the reason I said I handled it badly.

 

I waited too long and then blew up about it.

[SophieA]

Sophie, if you're still undecided about your new field, why would you jump right into a Bachelor's? Do you think the decision will come to you in the next four months (since, realistically speaking, you'd need to apply starting mid-spring semester for fall)? Can you narrow it down yet, or is the world still your oyster? Have you seen a career counselor for help? Your school will have plenty of these hanging around.

 

I don't normally side with men who tell their girlfriends to put their lives on hold, but I think your boyfriend might be picking up on some of your indecision. I think in this case you'd be wisest to take that fall semester off and get to know yourself better. Get a job, maybe; explore Chicago, since the two of you plan to live there. Suggest to your boyfriend that you can go ahead and find a home you two can share.

 

I wouldn't tell you to do that if I didn't think it would help. I graduated with my A.A.S. in June 2008, but I had no idea what I wanted next. Having taken the time to gauge both my interests and my motivations, I'm now more sure than ever that the path I intend to follow is the right one. I'll be twenty-four when I return to school for my B.F.A., but I don't regret the wait and I sure don't regret the exploration.

 

Take your time. You and I are still young, in the grand scheme of things. Julia Child didn't find her calling until she was in her thirties, and look how well that turned out for her!

 

I don't doubt for a second that your boyfriend loves you and means well. He wouldn't tell you "wait a year" if he wanted to leave. He wouldn't give you concrete reasons, like being at school abroad, for wanting to wait on an engagement. Trust him just this little while longer, and if he hurts you, by all means come back and say "I told you so!"

 

My gut says you'll be okay. I wish you much luck, and if you need to talk, you know where we are.

 

I'm jumping into a bachelor's because I LOOOOOVE what I'm studying. Just don't know how to turn it into a career yet...