Now I've done it...

[hoping2heal]

I feel terrible this morning.

 

My boyfriend is home on break from med school for about a month. We've dated over 6 years now (about a year long distance) and I love him like crazy and can't wait to be his wife.

 

Last night, as we were lying in bed talking, I began to cry. He asked me why and I told him because I am tired of waiting for a proposal and am scared that he's just stringing me along.

 

This caused a mega fight.

 

First he laughed. I told him I didn't appreciate him laughing at me while I was crying and while I was trying to discuss something very dear to me.

 

Then he claimed we've already discussed it. I explained we did discuss it once, before he left, and there was no timeline talked about. He simply said "leave it up to me."

 

He said he was very hurt that I don't trust him to take the next step when he is ready. He said he was very upset that by now I didn't know he wanted to marry me someday.

 

LSers, how am I to know if he hasn't asked?

 

We were silent for a moment and then I begged him through my tears, "It's been over 6 years!! Act, or let me go!"

 

He went on to say that he doesn't want to make a commitment like that when he is so far away. (He will be back for good, to start clinicals, at this time in 2010.)

 

I don't know why I acted that way. I guess just let everything build up until I exploded like a bomb. *sigh*

 

I don't really even know what my question is.

 

I guess I just wanted to let out my frustration that I caused this stupid fight. I told myself I would just keep silent about it and set a timeline in my head...if he hadn't asked by then, I'd just walk.

 

Something smells fishy around here, and it isn't the salmon. He had me until you mentioned he didn't want to make a comittment like that when he is so far away. Then I went, whoa whoa whoa..um what? Really? So let me get this straight, he has dated you for 6 years, he fully plans to continue dating you until he "comes back". However, he CAN'T so much as propose now because..he doesn't want to make that kind of comittment while he is far away? Ummmm?

 

That makes no sense, literally no sense. If he plans to date you and marry you someday - being seperated doesn't change that so how on this green earth or any other, is he rationalizing that you two should not get engaged NOW because he doesn't want to comitt NOW when he is far away- yet he still plans to date you?

 

Too much contradictions in this batch of cookie dough.

[Lauriebell82]

Something smells fishy around here, and it isn't the salmon. He had me until you mentioned he didn't want to make a comittment like that when he is so far away. Then I went, whoa whoa whoa..um what? Really? So let me get this straight, he has dated you for 6 years, he fully plans to continue dating you until he "comes back". However, he CAN'T so much as propose now because..he doesn't want to make that kind of comittment while he is far away? Ummmm?

 

That makes no sense, literally no sense. If he plans to date you and marry you someday - being seperated doesn't change that so how on this green earth or any other, is he rationalizing that you two should not get engaged NOW because he doesn't want to comitt NOW when he is far away- yet he still plans to date you?

 

Too much contradictions in this batch of cookie dough.

 

Yeah, I agree. Sophie also mentioned that he does not want to have a long distance marriage. Well if he is going to get back next year then you can always wait to get married?

 

I agree he is coming up with reasons because unfortunately he is just not ready to get married. I'm sorry you are going through this Sophie.

[SophieA]

Something smells fishy around here, and it isn't the salmon. He had me until you mentioned he didn't want to make a comittment like that when he is so far away. Then I went, whoa whoa whoa..um what? Really? So let me get this straight, he has dated you for 6 years, he fully plans to continue dating you until he "comes back". However, he CAN'T so much as propose now because..he doesn't want to make that kind of comittment while he is far away? Ummmm?

 

That makes no sense, literally no sense. If he plans to date you and marry you someday - being seperated doesn't change that so how on this green earth or any other, is he rationalizing that you two should not get engaged NOW because he doesn't want to comitt NOW when he is far away- yet he still plans to date you?

 

Too much contradictions in this batch of cookie dough.

 

Exactly what I thought. It makes no sense to me AT ALL. It seems to make perfect sense to him.

 

He tells me that he wants us to be able to be together and enjoy our engagement. Tells me he doesn't want to ask me to marry him and then jet off. Said it doesn't feel right.

 

To me...it sounds stupid. I always thought it was like When harry met Sally. "When you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your like to start ASAP".

 

I dunno.

[Lauriebell82]

He tells me that he wants us to be able to be together and enjoy our engagement. Tells me he doesn't want to ask me to marry him and then jet off. Said it doesn't feel right.

 

That just sounds like an excuse to me. Some men want to wait to a specific time/special time to propose. But to me this just doesn't fly. Lots of people get engaged while in an LDR. Same with marriage! What about fiances/husbands who go off to war after getting engaged or married?

 

I think he's stalling. So you have to basically make a decision whether you want to keep buying his excuses. When he moves back next year he may say "Oh well, I don't have a full time job yet so I can't afford a ring." or "WE won't be able to afford a wedding right now." I'm just afraid that he will keep feeding you excuses. If you had been together for like 2-3 years I'd think a little differently but by next year you will have been together for 7 years. That's a long time to keep putting you off about it.

[hoping2heal]

Exactly what I thought. It makes no sense to me AT ALL. It seems to make perfect sense to him.

 

He tells me that he wants us to be able to be together and enjoy our engagement. Tells me he doesn't want to ask me to marry him and then jet off. Said it doesn't feel right.

 

To me...it sounds stupid. I always thought it was like When harry met Sally. "When you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your like to start ASAP".

 

I dunno.

 

As Lauriebell82 put it, I think that's an excuse. I think he is also insulting your intelligence. Life is not a movie, you don't get everything you want, at the times you want, in the cirumstances you want. So what? Stop living? No, you roll with the punches. Engagement is just a phase, a word coined preceeding a legal formality. If you two got engaged it would be no different than your dating relationship right now. I know people use this false term called "preparedness" like, I want to make sure everything is "right". That's just a lie those people tell to themselves to avoid having to comitt to things in life, whatever that thing may be. If you waited until you were prepared, or could afford, or were going to have a smooth ANYTHING, child, wedding, marriage, career change, etc etc. That day will never get here.

 

I think he is comfortable with your relationship, but he is being dishonest when he says he knows he wants to marry you. It's been six years, SIX. Now he's claiming he can't get engaged because he doesn't want to have that happen and jet off? That happens to people everyday who weren't expecting it, they are JUST fine. They make it work. You two have braved this LDR thing for nearly a year now.

 

This is simply just not adding up. It seems very much like He doesn't know if he wants you to stay or go, he just knows that he 100% doesn't want you to go, but 100% doesn't want you to stay (forever) either.

[Mary3]

That just sounds like an excuse to me. Some men want to wait to a specific time/special time to propose. But to me this just doesn't fly. Lots of people get engaged while in an LDR. Same with marriage! What about fiances/husbands who go off to war after getting engaged or married?

 

I think he's stalling. So you have to basically make a decision whether you want to keep buying his excuses. When he moves back next year he may say "Oh well, I don't have a full time job yet so I can't afford a ring." or "WE won't be able to afford a wedding right now." I'm just afraid that he will keep feeding you excuses. If you had been together for like 2-3 years I'd think a little differently but by next year you will have been together for 7 years. That's a long time to keep putting you off about it.

 

That's very powerful what LB says....I would get a plan B.....asap... Make your own plans for your own life...