My GF acts a lot differently now, out all the time, I'm jealous.

[jmargel]

Yep, i've been there before too. The feeling is one of the worst feelings in the world. After we ended it, she had alot of stuff at the house. I came home from lunch one day to find her in my house packing some more things up. I was pissed, since she didnt even ask me. She just used the key to let herself in. Seeing how upset I was she then left. I told her when she could get her stuff, which she did.

 

Over the next couple of weeks I came across things of her to put into a box. It piled up into quite a large box. I set it outside on my front porch & told her to get it. Well, six months went by and that box still stayed there. I guess to her it couldve been an insurance that she still had her foot in my door. I ended up going to her bf's mom's house to drop it off (which happened to be my ex best-friend, and my parent's next door neighbor). For two weeks her wedding dress sat on my living room chair, covered up in a bag. I never saw the dress, I just couldn't look at it. I was devestated. I was w/ her for 5 years.

 

For the first two months we would talk occasionaily but everytime I would see her the hurt came rushing back. Then all of a sudden all communication broke off. I heard through friends on how she was doing, then about a year later I got a phone call from her. Apparently a friend of hers, told her that I asked about her. I was shocked to hear her call, and her wanting to be friends with me. I just couldnt though, I told her it would be too awkward to have something scaled back like that when we shared so much together. She was still with him at the time as well.

 

Almost four years went by since we broke up, when she showed up at my front door unexpectedly. I was shocked to say the least, but we talked for over an hour. Her apologizing to me on the way she treated me, and how she had alot of growing up to do. I told her that part of me will always love her, but that im glad life was treating her good.

 

Little did I know three months later I would find the love of my life, and my now current gf. What you need to ask yourself is, if you were to just meet her today, and know all the bad things about her, would you still date her? You might say yes right now, but after a couple of months of NO contact you might feel alot different. Once that time has come you'll have a chance to look at things with a bigger view. Being in the situation sometimes blurs things.

 

It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders, and it will be rough. You'll find yourself going through the 5 stages of grief. I know she's not dead, but in all other forms to you & the relationship she is. This is what I went through, and which you probably will as well:

 

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

 

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

 

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

 

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

 

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

 

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

 

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

 

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

 

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

 

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

 

Thing is there will be times where you will go back to a stage, or have a mix of 2 or more at a time. It sucks, big time! But looking down the road you will find this experience to make you SO much more wiser. The next girl you are with will benefit from what you are going through now. Trust me, don't give up. It's worth it in the long run!

[amerikajin]

jmargel, you preach on, brother. You really, really hit the nail right on the head with that last post. My ex and I lived together and were engaged for a while. It's funny because I remember going through those EXACT same stages myself with my ex, too.

 

I just remember when I started being so damn shocked - as though she had died unexpectedly of an illness or something. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with these wierd dreams. I remember feeling guilty every time I ever had thoughts about another woman (this lasted up to two months after I last saw her).

 

I think the first time she ever hit my nerve was when she stopped emailing me. I was thinking to myself "How DARE you ignore me like that?!" Then the holidays came and went. I remember just walking around my old neighborhood (I hadn't been back in my hometown in about 10 years). It was wierd going through all of that again. I almost felt dead.

 

And as you say, there's the time when you just wake up and you say "Well, on with the rest of my life. I don't know what the f*ck to do, but I gotta do something."

 

Finally, you begin processing things. You begin to start looking at her objectively (and me, too, for that matter). I remember how at first I used to object to my mother's saying anything negative about her. About four months later I remember being alone and kicking furniture and empty boxes around the house just thinking about some of the s*** that had happened, thinking about how I hated being in this vulnerable position.

 

At the end of it, there is peace and the wisdom that comes with experience.

 

Great insight, dude.

[OnlyEverything]

I know you mentioned NO CHEESY UPDATES But i'm curious this is an interesting thread... Where you guys at with things?

[klinghoffer]

well, things are more confused and F***ed Up then They ever were.

 

But I shall Survive. Thanks for asking.

[amerikajin]

Avoid confusion. End it and don't take her back.

 

You're going to go through hell before you get better, but you'll get better.

[Benedict]

well, things are more confused and F***ed Up then They ever were.

 

But I shall Survive. Thanks for asking.

 

Hey bro,

 

At some point, you need to realize that she ain't doin' this to you - you are.

 

Kick her to the curb.

[jmargel]

Thanks amerikajin. Its awful to go through and scared me away from women in general for quite awhile. For a period of time I thought they were all 'evil', there is no such thing as true love, etc.

 

Klinghoffer, like the other person who posted a thread here you are now doing this to yourself. You can continue this vicious cycle and have her never 'learn' what she really needs to do, while you continue to go through the torments & hang on every little word of hers. Or you can stand up for yourself, and tell her this is enough. That YOU decided its over. You can't even start to go through the processes that you need to go through because you are letting her prevent you from doing so.

 

Its hard to let someone go that you truly love. Its hard to lose a best friend and the one you trust most. Part of you might think 'Well if I do let her go, then i'll always be thinking what if I held on for another day, things might have changed'. Unfortunetly no matter how long you hold on for, things probably won't change. Things MAY change for the better if you do let her go completely. The only way to do this is get her to move out, and not to have contact with her for awhile. No emails, no phone calls, no letters, etc.. This isn't healthy for you.

 

Personally its something I never want to go through again. When something like this happens, it does change who you are a little. It changes the way you look at things. I can almost guarantee as well, when you find a new love what you learned in the time now will benefit you in the future. But it'll also make you alot more cautious about things, and you'll be reading in-between the lines now. With my situation I am now able to pick up on things & react accordingly even if she doesn't come right out & say it.

 

You just need to tell yourself its 'OK' to move on. Its ok to let her go out of your life. You didn't make this decision, but she did. Don't feel guilty & don't feel sorry for her. Start focusing more on yourself.

[amerikajin]

Yet another great post.

 

>>> Its awful to go through and scared me away from women in general for quite awhile. For a period of time I thought they were all 'evil', there is no such thing as true love, etc. <<<

 

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. Fortunately for us there was no cheating or anything - we were both honorable in our handling of its conclusion. I think we both tried to put on our best face for her kid, to whom I had also grown close to. It hurt me more than anything to know that our break-up was going to hurt him, too. It was brutally painful those last few days. I just felt like complete whale s*** at the bottom of the ocean.

 

My heartbreak first hit me the day after she told me that she had decided once and for all that she was ready to end it. We had actually both talked about it a few days before then but decided to hang on, which made things awkward ever after. I just remember eating in Chili's for lunch that day - alone. I then thought about all the times we had gone out to eat somewhere together and I just broke down. I tried my best to contain myself in public, but it was hard. I was crying as the waitress was bringing me my food. Normally it was her job to come by the table frequently to check up on me to see how I was. After the second time, she just stopped and left me alone. She had to know I was in no mood to talk or be disturbed.

 

There was the see-sawing of emotions. Even after we had already had "the talk" we still occasionally asked each other "Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" It was like one of us would break down and become composed, and then the other person would break down and become composed. Those days when you're first going through everything...it's just pure hell. You realize that she's become a part of your routine for however long you've known here, and that now the routine just stops - it really f_cks with your mind. Dinner time comes and you think about how you should be cooking for her and vice versa. A tv show comes on and you think about how you should be watching it with her. When you go to bed you think she should be near you. All of it...gone.

 

jmargel, I think you have obviously learned from your experiences. You really have great insight into relationships and I bet you use them to your advantage. I think both you and your girlfriend benefit from this.

 

Peace, man.

[jmargel]

Thanks amerikajin.. I have, and I hope klingoffer is really letting this stuff that you & me talk about sink in. In my situation she was abused as a kid, and it eventually came upon me. First the massive mood swings, then if I didnt keep her happy 24/7 I had hell to pay. It was like walking on eggshells. But she was my first love, and I just assumed thats the way things were. I learned to accept alot. Then the mental abuse came in that, if something went wrong she would always want to 'end' it. I got the engagement ring back so many times, it became routine. I lived in fear on when this was going to happen again. So, the only way not to upset her was to leave her be. I found solice in actually working w/ my computer. Our nights together watching TV, etc.. dwindled to her being in the bedroom while I was doing other things.

 

Granted we had good times still, but they were sporatic. She then the last 4-5 months of our relationship starting having alot of stomache problems. I took her to the drs. numerous times but they couldn't figure out what was wrong. After the breakup she admitted that all of that was due to guilt. The last few months we were together she didnt love me, even though she said she did. During that time she was talking to him (my ex best friend) who she left me for. She was very cruel in the end, even as going as far as taking my 20 week old german shepherd puppy & selling him. He was killed a year later when he was hit by a car. She also left me in massive debt which I had to file for bankrupcy.

 

My gf knows all about this, and knows how bad I was hurt. So she knows why I can be over-sensitive at times, and insecure. Its taken alot of work on my part to get where i'm at today, but I look upto my gf for being so patient with me.

 

After my ex left I didnt date anyone for over a year, and its been over 4 years since the breakup. The effect of all of this still affects me some, even if its just a little.

 

Like you said its hard to let someone go who's become a part of you. All sense of trust, love, devotion is gone. I was suicidal at one point, and had it planned out. Thank god I didnt go through with it. Once this is done to you you literally have to force yourself to put yourself out there again. There are never any guarantees in life, and life doesn't come with an instruction manual. It all comes down to whether you take chances in love and risk being hurt, or not taking chances & being alone for the rest of your life.

 

One of the main things I've learned about being with someone, is to never get too comfortable with someone that you take them for granted. Love them that day like you would if you were to never see them again. You never know when the last time you will see them. And always remember to communicate, and listen. If they tell you something, its because there is a reason. Never blow off what they say, even if its something little they mention about the relationship, etc.. It might make a word of difference to them, where as it might seem insinifigant to you.

 

I also believe in soulmates, and that everything does happen for a reason even if its not clear why at this point. Both of you will find the right person and when you do it'll be a million times more rewardable than you have ever experienced.

[amerikajin]

s***. You've been through the ringer.

 

It's funny what love will allow a person to accept. I ended up making a terrible career move in moving three states away to be with her (something my mother and brother warned me not to do). I moved to the Orlando area, which is ordinarily not a bad place to find a job, but in my field, it wasn't really the place to be. I ended up taking a job - the only one I could find - from someone I knew before I moved to Florida. Turns out the guy was full of s*** and I was without a job within three months. My career in that field never recovered. The thing that really pissed me off was that she started getting mad at me for our financial difficulties - like she was blaming me or something. That and a lot of other s*** put distance between us and we just grew apart. I returned home to Louisiana single, jobless and in debt. I feared I, too, would end up in bankruptcy. Fortunately it all worked out.

 

Love will make us men do strange things, but as you say, experience makes us wiser. I think these things make us take off the rosy colored glasses and see things for how they are, not how we want them to be. I think it's only natural to be more standoffish (I'm the same way). Love IS a conditional relationship. It's conditional on keeping the other person happy, and it's conditional on them keeping you happy as well.

[klinghoffer]

Insanity is near.

 

 

She already moved out. I mean, She's out. I helped her get the last of her small stuff out yesterday. I mean, we are not at each other's thoats or hating each other so i didn't mind helping her out(besides, I just want her to hurry up and get out so I can get over this crap) I still need to help her get one more big piece of furniture and that's it it will be done, She'll be in her place

and I'll be in mine. The thing that ****ed with my mind horribly is that the other night she came home late(as she always does) we started talking , she was crying cuz she says she doesn't know why she's doing this to US and me. She only goes out because her friends do out and she's searching for some sort of outlet because she feels so bad and everytime she's out she misses me. She told me she hates herself for doing this. She doesn't like the person that she is right now. She hates who she is and doesn't like herself at all. She's screwing us up and feels terrible & just feels that she needs to move out to become a better person, she know's that going out and getting drunk isn't FINDING HERSELF....but she's just so lost that she ends up going along with whatever.

 

She says she sees us together in the future she does, she just can't see it right now and needs time to fix herself, because she feels so screwed up and doesn't know what she wants and she's scared and has fears and feels like it's not fair to me to have her as a girlfriend, if she's in this state, yet she's scared to lose me forever etc etc.

 

So Anyway, I'm letting her go. I really am, You guys may not believe me, But I am letting her go. Yeah it's tough, Yeah it sucks because I know the person she used to be and I still see that person inside of her now covered with confusions. But I'm letting her go.

As it stands we are friends right now, she wants to continue to hang out and go out to dinner and do things together still.

But I'm going to limit that bigtime. I'm just going to involve myself in everything I possibly can. Stay busy and creative. I mean it.

I'm not looking for any other love right now, other than my own love for myself. I'll be fine.

[klinghoffer]

Thanks MArgel and Ameri for all your good advice. I can tell you guys have been where I am at RIGHT NOW.

I do read your words with an open mind. I appreciate it.

[amerikajin]

jmargel and I (and a lot of others) know what you're going through, man. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

In this great time of vulnerability you are showing your true courage and strength. It's so easy to just hang on to something just because it's what you know, but you're not doing that. You're taking steps to change your life for the better. You should also take comfort in knowing that this experience can ultimately help her out, too. But as callous as this sounds, I don't want you to worry about her so much anymore. She's the one who has put you both in this situation, and she left you holding the bag. As margel said: you can either decide that you're going to keep enabling her, or you can say once and for all, you're going to take back control of your life.

 

There's a part of you that's probably saying "What if I give her another month or two?" "Was there something I could have said?" "Was it something I did or didn't do?" Try not to go down that road too much. You'll do it regardless, but try not to let those questions dominate your thoughts.

 

By all means, I think it's wise to take a break from dating. You're probably not in any shape to do it, though you will get those feelings again. You will one day want to date, to remember what it feels like to be important to someone. When you do, you will be smarter and better prepared to deal with this kind of situation in the future.

 

Take care, and we'll be here if you need us.

[jmargel]

Klingoffer, I can sense what you are going through, and you will prevail in the end. She will also 'find' herself & be a better person as well. But this will take time.

 

As for being friends, that's cool. But the whole going out to dinner, etc.. Its her way of still hanging onto you while she goes out & parties it up. If she's saying she knows its not good for her to do what she's doing, then she needs to stop. Simple enough. Don't feel pity for her when she says these things to you. Its her way of making sure you still feel things for her. She's using you as the safety net. Might not be financially anymore, but emotionally & physically. If she needs to figure things out by herself, then she better be sure she knows the right way to go about it.

 

How will it make you feel if you two go out & you ask her if she's been with other guys, and she gives you this pity look and says yes? All when during these times you are worried about her, she's out there partying it up & having fun w/ a bunch of different guys? What do you think she's gonna do when she says she needs to 'find' herself? To me when a woman says that, its an excuse. Its been overused so many times, its not funny.

 

Personally from my experience you need to stop communication with her. Give it a few months and then youll see what truly was going on when you can take a step back & see what she is really doing to you. You need someone who's going to think & feel that you are the most important thing in their life. Right now she doesnt feel that way, and she might ever again.

 

You need to force yourself to go out & have fun. Do things you wouldnt normally do. Don't feel guilty about it either.

 

Let me ask you a question. When she comes to you crying, etc.. Do you console her? You try make her feel better by saying things she wants to hear? If you do, then you need to stop that. You need to start telling her how YOU feel. That's something she hasn't taken into consideration for a long time.

[klinghoffer]

well, When she's out, she usually goes over to this guy's house, Tha she works with, never alone, always with her best friend who she's moving in with and also works with and just some random friends of friends etc. They drink adn they socialize, play video games board games whatever...she claims, I don't know how true it is, That she goes out to sort of have fun and since all of her friends

are all work friends, and they all like to do this stuff after work, she just goes along. She says she feels dumb and trashy drinking

(because she always kocked it before) But half the time she's missing me and That all she does is talk about me and try and

get advice as to what she should do from other friends. She says she really doesn't know what she wants in her life. I can't buy that.

Everyvody knows somewhat...and I tell her that with love and support, But she just can't give me any answers so....

 

 

I'm just done. It's too emotionally stressful. I got other things I could be doing than getting my heart pulled around.

I'm going to be a man and help her out this last week because I still care about her, get her all situated and then after that, i'm going to do my own thing. AT this point, I wouldn't want to get back together with her, She's got some issues she's got to figure out. It just kills me because I'll never understand How someone could tell you they love you more than anything and that they are so lucky and happy to be with you. "Forever" and "Our Future"

And "Us" or "We" and then all of the sudden one day, out of the blue it just stops.

[amerikajin]

>>>It just kills me because I'll never understand How someone could tell you they love you more than anything and that they are so lucky and happy to be with you. "Forever" and "Our Future"

And "Us" or "We" and then all of the sudden one day, out of the blue it just stops.<<<

 

The truth is, she stopped having a romantic interest in you somewhere along the way. She still has feelings for you as a person, but romantically, your ship sank a while ago. Another thing you have to keep in the back of your mind is that she may be self-depricating as a way of softening the blow to you "It's not you, it's me. I'm so sorry. Blah! Blah! Blah!" She just needs to make herself feel better about putting you through hell. The sooner she can do that, the better she'll feel about it. You just need to be direct with her and tell her that you'll be okay, but only if you have time to recover on your own. That means no communication with her. For once, you need to stop helping her and let her sort her own s*** out. She may be nice, but dude, she's absolutely NOT thinking about your needs, so why worry about hers? Stop takin' her s***.

[jmargel]

klinghoffer,

 

I know what you mean about saying those things & then just calling it quits. My ex did that. After the breakup, that next week I asked her about that. She told me those were just words without meaning behind them. And the 'love' that we made those past couple of months were just 'sex', that she had physical 'needs' to fulfill. I hated her for that, not only was my heart being broken but I was used for the past number of months.

 

Actions speak louder than words, and when you look back on your relationship you'll probably find alot of the things she did to you didn't match upto the words she spoke. Going out partying, coming home the next morning, giving lame excuses, etc.. Is not loving & respecting someone. She isn't ready for a relationship yet. I can also guarantee that she has not yet hit bottom yet. With the drinking, etc.. It'll get worse before it gets better. But that is something YOU can't help her with. You'll end up in a vicious circle, that would have taken whatever foundation in the relationship you had with her and torn it apart.

 

Thats why both of us are telling you NO CONTACT WITH HER AT ALL. No dinners, no talking on the phone, no emails, nothing. We aren't trying to be cruel to either you or her but from our experiences we KNOW its the best route to take.

 

I can guarantee she is NOT thinking about you when she's with those other guys. Don't let her sweet talk you either into thinking she hasn't been doing anything w/ those men. When you don't show respect for yourself you can't expect others to show respect to you.

[klinghoffer]

I Know Jmargel, You're right. In All Honesty, Lately i've been realizing that maybe, just maybe she isn't the girl for me, even

though I want her to be very badly.

 

When I go over our years in my head, we had tons of good times, But a lot of the time, It was me that was more of the

thoughtful one. In the beginning she was so into me. The first 2-1/2 years, she was madly in love with me, sending me

cards all the time, Letters and I would do the same. Then we moved in together and things were still good, cool. But I always did the important stuff in the house because she was pretty forgetful & not very responsible with bills, kinda lazy with cleaning up etc. But people are different & I'm not a neat freak, so it didn't bother me. We have a million things in common and view the world the same

but I guess I just felt like I was in charge of "everything" after a while and I didn't want to be. I felt sometimes like it was ME that had to keep her happy or be the one to "Have the plan" for our night when I got home or for our weekends. I spoiled her Tons in the beginning and more during our years I think and eventually in the past year, I started feeling taken advantage of because she never returned the favors on her own. I could ask things of her for me, But she'd never really go out and do them herself. She got into making me dinners for a while which, i never asked for, but I found very kind and sweet, but then she just stopped, i think she got bored. But she's the baby in her family, She's used to having things done for her. She's not selfish in her personality, in fact she's very kind and generous usually...But also very lazy, has good intentions but lacks motivation. I'm the oldest in my family, I'm used to taking care of things and being the Doer. I just do and ask for nothing in return but gratitude. But nobody's perfect, She told me she loved me and we would have fun and laugh a lot and so each other affection so i thought we were a good balance of character and personality. I didn't mind taking care of her, but maybe she didn't really take care of Me.

 

She's got to do some growing up I think. When and If she does, I'm not sure whether we'll be compatible or not. who knows.

She says to this day that she loves me more than anything and that she want's to change and grow and come back to me, but only

time will tell.

[amerikajin]

>>>She's got to do some growing up I think. When and If she does, I'm not sure whether we'll be compatible or not. who knows. She says to this day that she loves me more than anything and that she want's to change and grow and come back to me, but only time will tell.<<<

 

Mabybe you'll be compatible, maybe you won't be. Who knows?

 

I don't think it matters. You can't put your life on hold for her. If a woman expects you to do that, then that's just showing incredible disrespect to you. "Honey, I think we need to call this off while I go out, have fun on the town, see different men, and, um, try to grow up eventually." Uhhh, no. You're not going to be that guy. Instead, you're going to wish her well and move on to someone who IS more compatible. The way I see it, she had her chance...and she blew it.

[jmargel]

Klingoffer,

 

The things you mentioned are the things she's going to find out for herself. Unfortunetly no matter how much you tell or show her it won't sink in until she learns that on her own. She might think the grass is greener on the other side, but she will over time find out that's not always true. Unfortunetly life doesn't have a 'rewind' button and can't take back the things said or done in a relationship. It took 3 years for my ex to come back & apologize and admit that she needed alot of growing up to do. It was nice to hear the apology, but I was also somewhat upset that I was dragged through what I was when she was with me.

 

It sounds like at times your relationship was one-sided. Doing things to keep her, and make her happy. That's putting way too much stress on yourself.

 

Seems like during these years you were concentrating on her, which isn't a bad thing, but you forgot about yourself. So it's important to regain that, to start doing things you want to do. Don't feel guilty or bad about anything you might do in the future.

 

PS. It might not be a bad idea for her to read this thread either. It might actually help her out some.

[klinghoffer]

Thanks Guys, I appreciate your help and words, I really do.

 

I'm already starting to do things for me and planning things for me, But when I'm out doing them,

I'm thinking of her. It's like all the hanging out with friends or all the work I could submerge myself in

doesn't seem to take my mind off of her. I'm being Strong, But i'm hurt. I mean Monday night I saw her she came over and she cried and we hugged for a while, told me she had a horrible night w/o me and she loved me and got some stuff, we ate some dinner and then she left but she said she was going to call me the next day(yesterday) if that was okay, just to say hi, but she never called me. All day long, she never called me. And Like an idiot, I thought about it all day, I hung on to it. But it was just another reminder that, i need to move on.

 

My mind is on the right track, i know what I need to do for myself, But My heart keeps playing games with me.

I just feel so stupid like I'm being played all of the time. Like I believe her and trust her and she keeps letting me

down. She can be crying about us and telling me she misses me one minute, and then All happy and giddy and

wanting to talk about her new apartment and all the things she wants to buy for it, the next.

 

She had also asked me Monday, If i wanted to hang out tonight(wed) we could get dinner and she could get some more stuff And I said I didn't think i was busy so, Sure. But I'm thinking of making myself suddenly busy. I just don't want her to feel

like I'm just going to be at her door when she whistles and I know I seem that way to you guys and I don't like it.

But at the same time, I don't want to be rude to her, because I never want her to be able to say anything bad about me,

Because I never did anything to deliberately hurt her, the whole time I've known her. I always treated her with respect

and love and cherished her. I said I'd help her get her couch and her bed over to her house for her and I'm not going to break my promise, But after this weekend, I'll be done helping her.

 

I feel stupid and dumb and used and just left behind and I'm lacking the motivation to get on with my own life.

WOMEN!!! I don't understand them!!!

[amerikajin]

>>>But at the same time, I don't want to be rude to her, because I never want her to be able to say anything bad about me,<<<

 

Every time you talk to her you're probably remembering the good girl you went on your first date with. You're remembering all the good times you had. Those memories allow her to get her foot in the door, which in turn gives her an opportunity to mess you up even further than you were the night before.

 

Here's what you should think about, though: the fact is, she's no longer interested in you. She'd rather read Stephen Hawking than go on a date or share anything romantic with you. Worse, she'd rather go out with other guys - all of those memories you have of her don't mean enough for her to stick around. Those times are gone, and they've been gone for some time now.

 

She's just trying to keep you stringing along because somewhere deep down inside she knows you too well. She knows you're a nice guy, with a great heart. She knows that while she'd rather go out and f_ck other men, if she ever needs a place to crash or a free lunch, she's got you. She knows if she's ever depressed, she can dial your number. She's got your number...in more ways than one.

 

I'm not saying she's evil. She's young, immature, and probably a little selfish. We've all been those things at times, and love can bring out both the best and worst in people. I think she's just doing what feels natural. You've been her security blanket, even though you stopped being her fantasy a long time ago.

 

The only reason I've been so damn blunt in this message is because, frankly, you need it. You're a good guy, and I hate seeing good guys get taken just because they don't know what's up. Stand up for yourself and move on with your life.

[amerikajin]

One more thing: make sure she gets all of her s*** out of your house ASAP. Tell her she's got one weekend to come by and get everything and that after that, you're going to clean up and throw everything that's not yours away.

 

Change the locks, too.

 

If you don't do this, she could keep calling you and coming by your house for all kinds of crap indefinitely. She'll remember something she forgot (on purpose, probably) and call you up to ask if she can come by and get it. Call and visit. Call and visit. Man, women can be cold blooded sometimes.

 

Do this ASAP.

[klinghoffer]

I thought I knew her well, But is she just f**king with me then, When she tells me she loves me and

keeps crying whenever I look at her, or gives me a sad face, or what about when she tries to kiss me

on the lips and kisses my neck when I'm holding her because she's crying? Are you telling me

that she doesn't want to share anything romantic with me? I mean the other night when she was

still in the house, she came home late and we talked and she cried and we hugged, we were in bed,

and then she started trying to make out with me and touch me and I went a long with it for a second

but then stopped her because, although i wanted to, I didn't think it was a good idea..If she's not interested,

Why would she do that?? Just to make me feel good?

 

But then she can not call and be gone and seem totally fine, Is she just F**king with my head?

That is why it is so damn hard for me to overcome this. It would have been a whole heck of a lot easier

if she would have just said, "I'm moving out, I don't like you anymore, I'm sorry, If you want to be friends we can,

but I'm moving on with my life." In that case I would have said, Okay then SEE YA. But she pulls this I need you,

But Not right now, But I want you in my life, But I want to be on My own, Oh but I love you, What Am I Doing???

Why am I hurting you?? Oh but I can't get these feelings of wanting to be free out of my head, Oh but I want to be with you,

I Miss you, I love you so much, But then she won't call or she's out at a friend's house til 3 in the morning.

 

 

Put me out of my misery. anyone have a bottle of whiskey and a good Blues record? I mean I'm joking but damn, I'm

going insane. why can't i just be the biggest a**h*** in the world and just cut her off?

[jmargel]

Its because she is confused as well. As long as she doesnt have that 'choice' to make, she's going to continue what she's doing. Right now she has the best of both worlds. Her freedom to go out w/ other men, and then you to fall back on. She needs to learn this lesson now, that things don't work that way. Her undecidiness is really affecting you in a bad way. She needs to leave, because if she does move back in with you, it'll just be a matter of time before she does it again.

 

My ONLY suggestion to this resolution is next time she does this, ask her what she really wants. If she says she doesnt know, your next step as a couple & as individuals is to see a councilor. Without that you are basically heading for destruction. If she's willing to goto counciling then that is a very positive step. She might get offended by you bring this up, but alot of people go through it. I haven't been through it, but I've heard with the right councilor it does wonders.