My GF acts a lot differently now, out all the time, I'm jealous.

[TwiztidNIN]

You know, I've been thinking a lot about the situation with my boyfriend and I. It seems like the same situation except my boyfriend and I, I think, don't like to do the same things anymore. I've been with him for almost 4 yrs too and I know how bad it hurts. I haven't done anything about it yet, but knowing that I have to tears me apart.

 

I talked to him about it last week. How I needed someone mature enough to handle their own and doesn't act like a kid (i'm 22 - so is he but he acts like he's 16). It's only been a week but the more I think about it, the more I think that I am lying to myself about if I still wanted to be with him or not. I love him to death, but I'm not in love with him anymore. Maybe I wasn't and was fooling myself. I don't want to lose him as a friend though. I would always love to keep in touch.

 

My sister told me something today. "Just because it is over right now, doesn't mean there isn't a chance in the future. People change and have different needs. If it's meant to be, in the future something may become of it again".

[bicylejunk]

but why remain friends with him? Why hurt him that way? If you're not in love with him, Turn him loose.

If he truly loves you, he doesn't deserve to be reduced to a friend, because you had a change of heart.

Let him go, when you tell him. It's not fair. Yeah, maybe you too can be together in the future, but if you

want to try out other guys, why shouldn't he try out other girls. What's fair is fair.

[amerikajin]

Klinghoffer,

 

You don't need to apologize to anyone here. We know what you're going through. If we seem frustrated, it's only because we empathize for you and want you to find your way out of this. I just hate knowing that you're going through that same kind of pain.

 

As I said before, I think you're at that cruel junction of heart and mind. You clearly know by now that she's no longer thinking of you as her boyfriend (at least not her steady boyfriend). You know that she's just doing whatever the hell she wants and that there's likely no changing her mind about anything at this point. But your heart is trying to remind you of the good times together. You're asking yourself if it's not possible to rekindle the flame and get back what you once had. You feel that if you shut the door, you may later realize that there might have been something you could have said or done to change your situation.

 

Klinghoffer, there's nothing you can do. You can't ever be 100 percent of the relationship, and you should never try to be anymore than 50 percent. Some people do that. Their partner grows less interested in the relationship and they go to extremes just to try to keep them interested. It doesn't work. There's nothing you can do to make her interested. To be honest, I think part of the reason she's not interested is that she sees you as weak right now. She sees you as someone who will basically be a doormat for her. Ironically, the more you try to keep the flame going, the weaker you look and the less interested in you she becomes. I don't doubt for a moment that she loves you as a person. She just doesn't love you as a mate anymore. I hate to be blunt, but you need to wake up and smell the espresso.

[klinghoffer]

I TRIED. I tried so hard last night to lay it all out and let her have the news that I just don't think we

should hang out anymore. I can't do it. I brought up the dating that other guy and she told me she's

gone out with friends. She's gone out with a guy here and there as friends. But in the note i read it said she

thought she was going to be "Stood Up".... Does that sound like a date to you guys, or is it just me?

 

anyway, I told her repeatedly how much this hurts and that I just need to move on and she said NO.

She begged and pleaded with me not to. She could NOT agree to it and wouldn't. I told her how,

I didn't feel it fair to string me along and told her that I can't just be reduced to a friend, I said:"I'd

rather not see you and just remember the good times we had and just accept that it's over, than see you

and not be able to hold you hand or kiss you or hold you." "You just do what you gotta do for yourself And I'll just do what

I gotta do for myself. I went thru every feeling with her and she just would not see it my way. So I finally just had to end the conversation cuz we were just crying back and forth. It sucks too, I don't want her to see me like this and

I'm sick of being sad about all of this. She asked if she could call me later on today and I said "Do what You Want" but when she calls, I'm just going to ignore it.

 

PArt of me still naively thinks that I'm just supposed to be her friend right now and go along as if everything is cool and Just do my own thing and she'll grow and I'll grow, we'll hang out every once in a while. But I can't do it, I can't just be her friend right now.

I need to heal, nothing is healing.

 

Anyway, Just ranting and Raving.

[jmargel]

I applaud you for telling her how you feel and what you want to do. Now you need to enforce that. With saying what you did, I think you actually scared her into finally thinking her safety net is finally leaving. This relationship is not upto her on whether it can be salvaged or not. Its upto the both of you.

 

With her saying 'No' and not agreeing, she is just being selfish. DO NOT GO BACK ON YOUR WORD. This is important, because if you do then all your words to her will seem meaningless. She's losing her power over you, that's what she's afraid of.

 

She has to earn your respect and trust, and that takes a very long time. To be in a relationship just for security (either emotionally or financially) is wrong and won't last. Like you said in the end of your statement you need to heal. If she truly cares about you she'll accept this & let you start the process. By doing this you are getting the ball back in your court. You are regaining control of the situation by letting her go.

 

If she does call you today, let her do all the speaking. Don't be afraid to give her the ultamatium again. Either she's with you, or she's not & allows you to move on. Even if she does want to come back, make it very difficult for her too, if you want her back. It'll teach her to realize what she has.

[MarKus]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

Also, start going out with other females, even as just for friends. This will be a 'wake' up call for your gf. Trust me on this!

 

Do you reckon that would work?

it would probably get her panicking a bit

 

how r u doing klinghoffer?

[amerikajin]

Klinghoffer,

 

I know that had to be extremely difficult for you, but it was a necessary first step. You should keep doing this so that you can give yourself time to get a clear head. I know there's a part of you right now that's thinking about whether or not you can finally get her to commit to you now that she knows you're serious about taking control of your life. I know I'm not you and that I have the luxury of detachment from your situation, but I think the best thing for you to do is to put a LOT of distance between you and her. Even now, she's still trying to manipulate you by begging you to stay while she continues to abuse your heart. I don't think she's doing this to hurt you, but I do think she's thinking of herself first and you second.

 

Last night, she finally realized that you're going to start thinking of yourself. As jmargel said, she has less control over you now. She can't just fall back on her safety net. Well done.

[klinghoffer]

trying to stay sane thanks.

 

She called me today and emailed me asking if we could please talk. I haven't responded yet. My words are "ringing in her head" she

says. She doesn't want me completly out of her life she says and she needs to talk to me. She needs to have me in her life, she says and doesn't want me to disappear. She keeps saying she's just so confused. She seems a tad desperate but

not too bad. She says my words made her think really hard last night after we hung up the phone and she couldn't sleep. I don't know guys...It's heart wrenching. I care about her, but I just can't take it. Here is where i get sucked in and start feeling bad for her and

start thinking that she's just going thru a hard time and srewing things up and I keep thinking I can help her.

[jmargel]

klinghoffer,

 

Give it another day, like you said in a previous post she's cried to you in the past & called, then the next day saying she was just having a weak night. I would say let her talk. She's confused. The last thing you want to do is totally shun her away. But she needs to realize what she's losing. Doing the opposite of what you were doing before is having the effect I told you it would have.

 

When she calls you, let her do all the talking. Be firm on your stance. The more respect you show for yourself, the more she will respect you. Just don't let her mess with your head. And tell her that you don't want any head-games. You have alot to offer.. Let us know how it goes..

[amerikajin]

>>>She called me today and emailed me asking if we could please talk. I haven't responded yet. My words are "ringing in her head" she says.<<<

 

Of course they are ringing in her head. Now she knows you're actually backing up your words with your actions. She's used to the Klinghoffer she can push around, the nice guy who lets her go out and hang out with all these guys Klinghoffer doesn't know, but who lets her crash at his pad if she ever gets lonely. She doesn't recognize the new Klinghoffer. At least now you've got her thinking.

 

I'll be honest with you Klinghoffer. I think when a relationship is finished, it's finished. But that's my rule - you have to do what you think is best for you. If it were me, I'd tell her to hit the road, but I realize you've invested a lot of time and emotion into this woman. I will say this: even with all that time and emotion, you definitely need to give yourselves some space. I'm not talking days, but more like weeks and months. You need to be the one to set the boundaries. Up to now, she's been the one controlling the tempo and tone of this relationship. If you stick to a gameplan, and if you start dictating to her when and under what circumstances she can see you, there's the possibility that things might change. Again, I recommend against it. I don't think she's going to change. I think it's a matter of finding what you want for yourself. My own belief is that once you give yourself sufficient time and space, you will find women are more mature and ready to commit to a guy like you than is she.

 

>>>She says my words made her think really hard last night after we hung up the phone and she couldn't sleep.<<<

 

Ah, sheesh....is this another one of her "revelations"? Dude, you've been down this road with her - several times.

[Cpunch75]

Klinghoffer-

 

You are one brave guy, I can't believe how much you have been through, im really blown away by your experience. I agree with everyone that cutting off contact is the only way to go, because if you don't then you are only hurting yourself along with your ex who is using you......

 

jmargel and amerijjan are right, you should definitely stop being so giving and letting her walk all over you. You seem to be confident in the actions you are about to take, but you keep falling on the notion that she may come to her senses. She's not. Relationships are 50/50, this one is 99/1, realize that she is using you until she finds the next 'safety net'

 

time to switch over to the assertive mean ass klinghoffer

 

you deserve much better!!!!

get your butt out there dude! You got major heart man, you are a Romantic, women love that!!!

stop seeing yourself as defeated,

see this as enrichment, because if you stay with her, her problems will only get worse and she will depend on you even MORE.....

[klinghoffer]

Thanks for that note, I appreciate it. She's supposedly suppose to call me tonight because she wants to

talk but, I really don't know what I could say That I haven't said before. So i'm just going to let her talk. I almost don't even

want to talk to her because i feel she's going to say the same old stuff. Even if by some miracle, She wanted to come back, She's got too many issues for me to deal with now. I'm a very understanding guy too so I have tons of patience, but at this point, It would take a lot to convince me she wants to make things work. As much as I tell her that I feel like a safety net or a comfort zone for her to fall back on, she swears up and down that's not the case, but she can't give me an solid answer on anything.

[jmargel]

Well like I said before let her talk. Don't change your stance, do what you feel is best for yourself. If you two were to get back together my next suggestion would be to get counciling for the both of you. Take one day at a time. What you are doing is good, standing up for yourself is making her realize alot of things. Hang in there..

[amerikajin]

>>>As much as I tell her that I feel like a safety net or a comfort zone for her to fall back on, she swears up and down that's not the case, but she can't give me an solid answer on anything.<<<

 

Klinghoffer, never judge a woman based on what they tell you. Judge them according to how they behave. There's a great discrepancy between what she's telling you and what she's doing.

[Cpunch75]

She's still dragging him along with her saying that she doesnt know how she feels.....If I were you Klinghoffer I would say that I'll be there for you as a "friend" That way, you can move on to bigger and better things, but also know that you're not leaving her in the dark.

[klinghoffer]

Thanks Guys, Once again. This has really been the most help to me re: all this stuff.

 

I saw her last night, it had been 4 days, she came over rather than us talk on the phone. She immediately came to me,

cried in my arms for like 20-30 minutes and told me she loved me, that all of this sucks, that she's so lost, She's miserable,

that she tries to be cool, but she misses me all the time, you look so handsome, you are so beautiful,

you're so good to me, I love you....all that stuff. She'd kiss me on my neck a lot and squeeze me for dear life and we did actually kiss twice on the lips, but i didn't want to push it too much.

 

We just spent time together and talked about what's going on in our lives,

what she's going thru, how she feels stupid, all the same stuff but she had tears after tears after tears after tears

running down her face. HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL BAD FOR HER? I have a heart. I'm human. But you guys are right, actions speak louder than words. Throughout the night we had some dinner and would have periods where we were joking and being silly, but then she would just stop and look at me and tear up and tell me that she loved me and that she was happy to be there.

 

But anyway, We didn't resolve too much of "Where do We stand", It might be a Once a week get-together thing possibly, I don't know...But I seriously told her: You know how I feel about you, You know what I would do for you, You know our history and what we had, YOU are what matters to me, I want to be with you. I want to help you But you have to figure out what you want

for yourself.

 

It got late,,,I walked her out, we hugged, she told me she loved me & I told her I loved her and she said she would call me today and then she drove off.

 

I'm still a brick guys but not sinking into sadness. I'm not going to let myself be taken advantage of. I am moving on. She knows how I feel about her. I know that in a way, i'm still in for a world of hurt feelings if I remain in contact with her. But I seriously feel myself changing. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I'm moving foward with my life. Not looking to date anytime soon, But i'm going to take advantage of this time being single. Focus on myself. Better myself. Accomplish my goals. And just follow my heart. Help OTHER people I car about out. When and If she figures out what she truly wants in her life and who she is and she knows it's me, she know's where to find me.

[jmargel]

If she's so miserible without you then why isn't she coming back? If she's uncertain about somethings in her life, the last thing you do is push people away to solve your problems. You are suppose to use the ones who love you for support.

 

Did you ask her 'Where do we stand?' You need to be direct with her. You two showing these emotions towards each other, isn't showing a clear sign of communication. You tell us you are moving forward but your actions speak the opposite. Just like hers are. She shows you by kissing, hugging, etc.. but doesn't come out & say 'I want to be back with you'.

 

Right now us guys who have been trying to help you out are looking out for YOUR best interests, not hers. Stop letting her play this game, where she's coming back doing this, just so that she can continue to use you as a safety net. She needs to make up her mind, not just for you, but for the santiy of both of you. You then need to question yourself on once she comes back, how do you cope with the past and prevent things like this to happen again.

 

Any important information you need to talk to her about, in regards of the relationship you need to do in person. The phone is way too impersonal. If she calls, see if she'll come over. If she does you need to ask her directly about where things stand. You deserve a solid answer either way. If she does want to come back and IF you do accept her back it has to be with the understanding that you don't hold all of this against her, otherwise you two will just end up fighting. Counciling would be best for both of you, especially her since they will help on how to guide her through her confusion.

 

Remember one thing klinghoffer, and this is important. To never base your self-worth on the love of someone else. When you do that and get into situations like these it could be a crushing blow to you. I learned that the hard way when my ex left, and got to the point of planning my suicide. It took alot of months of no contact and alot of soul searching to realize this.

 

If she's not going to come around there are plenty of other women that would love to take her spot. Remember you have the upper hand in this, use it to your advantage.

[Cpunch75]

I second counseling if you two get back together, but I gotta say that the one thing that you are permitting her to do to you is letting her be intimate with you despite your intention of letting her go, that's just plain cruel, youre just letting the pain repeat and dragging this on and on. If I was you I'd keep my distance from her.

[klinghoffer]

Jmargel-

 

I know what your saying man. I hear you. It's not being taken for granted. I just know that she is in such a

fragile state that it's hard to just start making demands on her. I've known her a long time and i know her so well that i know when she's struggling with something or hurting over something. I want to help her, I want to end all of this misery,

I want to be the savior, I want to make this WORK. But she can NOT give me a straight answer. If I put my foot down like

I did the other night on the phone and tell her I love her but i need to move on because she doesn't know what she wants, She begs me not to leave her or leave her life. She keeps doing this thing where it's like she's telling me Please wait for me and let me think this out. Figure out what The hell i'm doing or want. She's not coming out and saying WAIT FOR ME, but it feels that way, Cuz why else would she tell me she loved me and misses me and kiss me?

 

I mean she had it so good. Now she's broke and living paycheck to paycheck just barely getting by with no money to go to school if she wanted to and get her schooling going to figure out her career etc. I tell her this and she just says she knows and she feels dumb.

 

I never thought it much of a factor but I wonder sometimes if she feels pressured at all by her best friend Who she lives with now. They work together and are constantly hanging out like I mentioned in the very first posts. Her best friend just left her BF as well after a lengthy amount of time together and doesn't even call her ex. She gave him the space issue excuse and that she loved him and wanted to be with him, but needed space.... She's now dating someone else w/o his knowledge, meanwhile this he's wondering what the hell he did and why she told him she loved him, but up and left him. I wonder if my girl feels stuck like she has to stay in the apartment now because she doesn't want her friend to hate her. So it's almost as if they are in it together.

I mentioned it once, weeks ago, But my girl said "I have my own mind and Brain, Just because she's my friend, i'm my own person."

 

I don't know dude, It's all so confusing and messy. I just want to walk away and right now I'm moving foward with making other plans that do NOT include my girl. I mean it. I took a job that's going to be taking me out of town for 2 weeks at a time here and there. But i'll be doing something I enjoy, Before I never would have done that because i never would have wanted to leave her for that long. So i really don't know what to do other than to be there for her when she needs me, but dictate what I agree to do for her, so that I don't get taken advantage of. I'm moving on with life, Not with Love. I may sound dumb, But I care.

[bicylejunk]

You have a chance to make things right and You're blowing it. either leave her completely or set things right. You're being as indecisive as she is Bro.

[jmargel]

Its good that you are taking that job. Spending time away from the whole situation will help you out quite a bit. As for her 'friend' and what you described what she's doing. There's the same possibility your ex is doing the same exact thing to you as well.

 

She could also be scared because of finanical problems, and leaning on you that way. Don't let her pull your heart strings while she continues to be the same. She might be confused but she isn't going about the right way of solving these problems. Next time you talk to her, ask her what she is doing to get through all of this confusion. Just spending time apart isn't going to solve anything.

 

IMO, you shouldnt have let her kiss you. She doesnt deserve that right now. As long as she knows she has you in her grasps, she'll continue to mistreat you. How long are you going to let this continue?

[SoleMate]

Yes, jmargel is right, she wants your touch and your kisses. Don't give them to her.

 

Also, those tears of hers that made you do what she wanted...forget about them. Believe me, some folks can turn on the waterworks for any reason or no reason. You don't know if she's crying for the lost love, or maybe just crying because she realizes you might not always be there as her backup plan. It confuses me/cracks me up how much power some guys see in a crying female. To me, a female crying is similar to one with a runny nose or excessive earwax - she may need a Kleenex, but her bodily excretions do NOT give her the right to make other people do what she wants.

 

Cuz why else would she tell me she loved me and misses me and kiss me?

Because she knows how to press your buttons. Her tears of frustration also happen to do a great job tugging your little heartstrings. It costs her nothing to use words and caresses as tools. In fact, she is enjoying it.

 

So i really don't know what to do other than to be there for her when she needs me...

That's EXACTLY the wrong thing! It will keep you from moving on, and it will surely prevent you from meeting any nice young ladies in the new town. Your ex will use the tears, kisses, words, and probably also anonymous phone calls to sabotage your future relationships.

 

Gosh, I hate to see people get used like appliances - whether it's M on F or F on M.

 

Klinghoffer, what's it going to take for you to get clean????? Treatment in a locked facility?

[amerikajin]

>>>I just know that she is in such a fragile state that it's hard to just start making demands on her.<<<

 

Man, the reason she keeps playing you is because you have a soft spot for her...and she knows it. She's not dumb at all. She's manipulating you.

 

>>> I've known her a long time and i know her so well that i know when she's struggling with something or hurting over something. I want to help her, I want to end all of this misery<<<

 

Being her safety net isn't helping her. If anything, it's preventing her from becoming more mature and self-sufficient. I think the truth is, you're hoping that by being nice to her, you hope that she'll finally wake up and "get it". Yet the same story repeats itself over and over again.

 

>>> Please wait for me and let me think this out.<<<

 

I think she's saying "Yes, Klinghoffer. Wait for me. Wait while I go f_ck other guys and crash at your pad when I feel shallow or confused the next morning."

 

>>>I mean she had it so good. Now she's broke and living paycheck to paycheck just barely getting by with no money to go to school if she wanted to and get her schooling going to figure out her career etc.<<<

 

She could always take out money for a loan, get a job and become otherwise resourceful if she wanted to. There's nothing stopping her from doing that on her own. Meanwhile, you're standing there playing the one card you have with her, and that's it. Have you thought about the possibility that somewhere down the road she might eventually run into another man who could play the role of sugar daddy? Think about that, and then think about how raw you'd feel once she left you for that guy. You think she's poor and miserable now, but once she finds what she's looking for, you'll see her in a different light. I'm telling you, she does NOT have your best interests at heart here.

 

>>>I wonder if my girl feels stuck like she has to stay in the apartment now because she doesn't want her friend to hate her. So it's almost as if they are in it together.<<<

 

They are not in anything together, except for the same apartment. Klinghoffer, if she had interest in you she wouldn't give a crap what her friends think. Don't you get it?!?!?! The bottom line is that she's not showing any romantic interest in you whatsoever. I think a part of her remembers what you had and occasionally goes over that in her mind, but to her it's still nothing more than history. All the kissing...that's what's left of your old romance. She's a woman who in some way is still partially attracted to you but nevertheless no longer interested in keeping any kind of relationship together. She also knows you well enough to know that she's inside your head, and a little kissing and hugging can still go a long way.

 

The good thing is, you're beginning to take small steps toward recovery. You need to be taking bigger steps and more of them, but it's a start. Keep going, my man. I think the best thing for the both of you is to get complete separation for a while. Just tell her that you think it's in both of your interests to cut off all contact for now - at least for a month. In that time, she might completely break down, and if she does, that will be your chance to confront her with the issues that affect your relationship. I still say you need to move on permanently, but I know that's not what you really want, so maybe this is a step toward getting her under control.

[klinghoffer]

ugh.

 

I love your guys' advice. I appreciate it a lot. But i feel like sucha dork that I'm still posting here. You guys are telling

me like it is and I'm still doing the wrong thing. I'm trying to move on, but you guys are saying i'm not.

You told me like it is over a month ago and I'm still in the same shape i guess.

I mean okay, You have a point. She will come and cry to me and then I feel bad for her. Whenever she cries, I do feel

bad for her. I don't want to see her crying like this. And yes, I have wondered if it's just crying because of lost love or realizing

she won't have her safety net or if it's because she really is confused and scared and doesn't want to lose me.

 

I know I blew it last night. I should have opened up a lot more questions and talked about "The Future Of Us" and asked her flat out. Because yeah, PArt of me knows that she has to know what she wants of me at least.

But when I see her balling uncontrolably, it kills me so I end up wanting to console her because I figure she's going

thru a hard time. My fear is that If i turn my back on her, she'll be alone and have to find someone else to console her,maybe even another guy, when honestly, I don't think that's what she needs right now. She'll just be screwed up with another guy and never figure anything out. I know I can't predict what would happen, that's just what I feel.

 

Damn guys...It's tough. Jmargel, Amerikajin, Solemate, CPunch...I hear what you guys are saying. I want to do what you guys are saying, I'm just not a selfish person, never have been. But I stand up for myself and have self-respect, maybe not in this situation, but in all others. It's just tough, i guess I'm just seriously blinded by thinking she still loves me. Why can't I understand

that she went out on a date with another guy the other night so she's seeing other possiblities, Why can't I understand that

she moved out, she doesn't know what she wants so that's a big sign right there that she doesn't want to be with me as much as she says she does. Isee it all, But my bigger picture is wanting to help her, like the idiot you guys must think I am.

Why did I let her kiss me? Because deep down I want her to. I want to kiss her too. But you're right, I'm just setting myself up for more pain and heartache. I either need to just simply be her friend and tell her to kncok off the hugging and kissing and crying and just go about my life and forget about her in a romantic way Or i need to just Tell her like it is and Tell her she needs to make a decision about Us right Now!

 

See? I know what I should do, My mind tells me one thing, but My heart spits all over it.

[glasshammer]

I can see how you could feel that she loves you and she's just confused with life, But if she

loved you as much as she says she wouldn't be confused about it, sounds like she's just scared that she's going

to end up with (1) incredible guy for the rest of her life, cheating herself out of trying

several guys out, before settleing down. Confused about life, No Doubt. Confused about whether or not

she should stay with you or try other guys, no doubt.