My GF acts a lot differently now, out all the time, I'm jealous.

[klinghoffer]

Love Spit Love

[Cpunch75]

Klinghoffer,

 

You're not an idiot.

 

This is lifes hardest lesson, everyone goes through it. I'm going through confusion about my relationship with a woman right now, but eventually time will tell, I know how you feel bro. Even thought I have no clue what is going on with the girl i'm seeing, in the back of my mind i'm preparing for the worst, and that is that there is nothing there anymore.

 

This is what you have to do, break your patterns of being emotional and thinking about the outcome of this relationship. Just go out with your friends, and start chatting and losing yourself in fun, like I did and talk to girls again. Even though I'm hurting myself about this girl, this wknd I met someone and got her number, and she's 10 times cuter than the girl i'm hurting over. You gotta get out there man, you're only 26 years old, if you constantly think about this break up you are going to endanger your mental health.

[klinghoffer]

yeah, who knows, it may be over now.

 

I talked to her saturday because she called me to ask how I was doing and I told her everything I was feeling.

she broke down and told me she loved me and that she knows in her heart that she's supposed to be with me and

wants to be with me and sees herself old with me and I told her How this sucks, How i can't be strung along,

 

THEN, i mentioned that I knew about her date she went on, even though it wasn't any of my business because we are broken up and she was at a loss for words. "what am i supposed to say, you probably hate me now, But it wasn't a date,

a guy asked me out so I went just to see what it would be like, we ate dinner and that was It"..."But now you must hate me and

that's not what I'm trying to do, I'm not trying to keep options open"..."I meant what I said when I told you I loved you "..."I just can't get these feelings of wanting to be free and do my own thing, Out of my head". Then she seemed hurt "You Read Me Letter????" "Oh man"... "Now What?" etc etc.

 

So we sort of hung up on each other. I felt like s*** for bringing it up, I didn't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time, I have no idea what's going on in her head, I had to ask about it and apologize for somewhat reading her private words(it was right there, though). I had to bring it up because I can't play this game. She may resent me now, I don't know, she may use it to her advantage like I went into her personal things, What an a**h*** I am...But Whatever. Things needed to be stirred up. Maybe she's just ashamed. I don't know. She swore it wasn't what It looked like. It was just a simple hang out, nothing more.

 

Maybe this is a good time to disappear, things seem too complicated to salvage

[klinghoffer]

i mean tell me guys, one last time and then i'll just shut the hell up and stop posting

on this thread that should have ended weeks ago.....

 

You can tell how much I love this girl and how much I want to help her and how much

she means to me....You can tell how much she seems indecisive and seems to be struggling

with Should I Stay With Him, Should I Be On My Own....

 

I'm not sure if she's going to call or not because of our last phone call, she may be too ashamed...we were supposed to get together to talk tonite, but now I'm not even sure that's happening now, If she does call...Do I answer, or should I just stop calling her and move on? Do I fix this damn situation? Do I give her an Ultimatum and then take off?

 

When were together and having fun, even in the past week, when she's not crying and were

having a laugh and having fun and just enjoying being together, it's almost like back to normal,

it's like we remember the good times and it's like...So what the Hell Are we Doing? Why are you leaving?

And she asks herself the same Question. I'm just thru playing games...I can't just turn my back on her but you guys are

saying I should, because it wouldn't be worth all the hurt and heartache and I could find another girl.

But I can't. I want to help her as a friend, but love her as my partner. She knows it, But can't make a decision.

 

I promise, I need to stop posting here, It's too selfish to take up all of this board time just for this.

I just need some "Last Comments".

 

Thanks Guys.

[Cpunch75]

Bro, no one is casting judgement on you for posting, for me this is a major learning experience and I rely on this forum for some justification as to why women act a certain way.

 

When you asked her about her Date, that was the perfect thing to do because it shows that you are respecting her decision, and she's the one who really looks like the a-hole, not you. If you look at how the two of you are behaving, realize that youre the one who is one step closer to closure than she is, and that she will live with the guilt of taking you for granted for the rest of her life. This is not the last girl you will love in your life.

[amerikajin]

Klinghoffer, you should feel free to post here as long as it helps you. When it stops helping you and when it starts to keep you from moving on, that's when you should stop posting here - for your own good, not for ours. If we don't want to respond, we'll simply stop reading. The truth is, I think we all get something out of this. I know by reading your situation, it helps me understand mine better. You're not a burden.

 

As for the rest of your last message, all I can say is that it looks like you both are now beginning to sense that the end is near. I think she now knows that her game is up. She's pissed because you invaded her privacy, but s***, as far as I'm concerned, she was no more honorable than you. She was messing with your head, and you had a right to know what was really happening with her. Since she wasn't mature enough to come out and tell you what cards she had in her hand, you had to take a peek for yourself. Never ceases to amaze me how men get the label of "dog" or "player", yet we're just expected to sit by and put up with this crap. Women throw the nice guys away and end up with some jerk...then they start sniveling and crying when the jerk cheats on them and throws them in the garbage.

 

I'm sure you two will talk again. When you do, I'd just be honest about the whole thing. Yeah, you read a private letter and maybe that wasn't exactly above-board, but then again, she doesn't have a right to keep those kinds of secrets from you - not if she's still telling you that there's still something between you two. At first I wasn't being too judgmental about this girl, but man, the more I read about her, the less I like her to be quite frank. You may not like me saying this, but I think she's acting like a self-centered little b!tch. I'm not saying she is one, just that she's really acting like one right now where you're concerned.

 

Your feelings right now are normal, and believe it or not, they're also healthy. You're starting the real process of going through a breakup. It's tough to start here, but you have no choice. At the very least, you should put some distance between you two to give both of you time to sort out your own issues for yourselves (she needs to sort out herself more than you do). In some situations, couples can get a clear mind and refocus on their relationship and make it work, though I advise against trying that. I think if it happens, let her approach you, and let her into your life again only after you've had time to see things more clearly for yourself (at least 3 months, and better if it's six). In the meantime, focus on yourself and what you can do to help make your life better...with or without her.

[jmargel]

Klinghoffer, do me a favor and re-read this entire thread. It might take awhile but you will notice something after reading it. I won't mention what, that's for you to discover.

 

If she's going to use you looking at that note as the 'final' excuse to leave the relationship, let her. That's the cop-out way and it may artifically make her feel better for what she's been doing to you. But at least you'll know the game is finally over and you can move on.

 

Her 'loving' you and seeing how she can grow old with you, and then telling you in the next sentence that she can't get the idea of being 'free' out of her head are total opposite things. She wants things to continue the way they are, despite knowing its hurting you bad. That's what we mean by her being selfish. She either needs to accept you fully into her life and look at a future with you, or leave you go so you could find someone else.

 

You aren't taking up this boards time, this post has brought back alot of bad memories, but its been good for me too, shows me what my ex did to me. She tried playing those games with me, but I stopped them before she could start them.

 

Sounds like you love this girl more than she loves you. Do you really want to be in a relationship where its not 50/50? Also do you really want to be in a relationship with this girl if she comes back to you, and you still have it in the back of her mind that she still craves 'freedom'? You couldn't be happy with that, at least I couldn't. I'd always be living in fear, walking on eggshells knowing if she isn't happy 24/7 she can bolt on you again and not even flinch about it.

 

Don't just think about the present, think about the future. She has alot of growing upto do. Don't feel bad for what you did, be proud you are starting to take action. If she calls, don't answer. At least for a couple of days, and think.. Think hard about your future.

[klinghoffer]

Okay cool...thanks guys. I mean it though, I'm going to stop with the posting because

although it feels good to post and get it off my chest, it's not curing anything inside of me.

I need to take action on my own and take care of this problem.

 

She emailed me right now, i didn't respond, she just pretty much said:

 

how are you? i hope you are okay, or good.

please please understand what's going on i pray that you don't hate me. if you do i

understand, because i wasnt honest with you. but please know that i do mean the

things i say... and i do love you. i guess i am just a mess. and i am

sorry that it messes you up too.please write back. i have to work tonight til 11PM.

i go in around 5 or so.

love,

me

 

 

Anyway, I just need to figure this all out and quick because it's just killing me. I'm going to take all of your advice

and take care of business in terms of getting on with life one way or another. Love, It can screw you up.

 

Thanks for all of your posts and kind words, i appreciate every one of them.

[glasshammer]

We don't know you guys personally- But your girl seems like she's just playing games whether she realizes it or not.

She can't commit back with you, because she's in a good spot, She can go either way, A LIfe WITHOUT YOU or

A LIFE WITH YOU or....A life having you on the back burner while she dates other guys. I don't care what you call it, It's still a date if a guy asks a girl out to dinner and she accepts, it's a date. She was at least leading another guy on. Being on her own, She won't have to answer to anyone, be there for anyone but herself, care for herself...etc. Tell ME This, You've done all this stuff for her, What Has she done for you??? It takes two my friend. What does she do for you that would make you want to stay with her???? You're supporting her, but is she supporting you in Anyway but your confusion and heartache??? I say tell her one more time how you feel and if she can't give you a straight answer, you MUST MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON. You need space away from each other, she can date who she wants, even though she says she doesn't want to, she can have the option and You Too can date. Then down the road, maybe she will have grown up and realized what she lost, But you trying to get her back only to be a sort of "Parent" for her and take care of her, is just not the way to go. Have some self-respect.

[bicylejunk]

I agree, Move On, she doesn't care. You leaving her and moving on may light a fire under her a$$ one way or another.

[klinghoffer]

I didn't email her back and She didn't call me at all yesterday and I didn't call her. If she calls today I promise, I won't answer.

[HardDecisions]

I'm new to this board and I must say that after reading this entire thread you are a man who is in

some major misery. You are totally devoted to this woman and just can't get her out of your mind.

sounds like someone I know well, Me.

My only advice would be to just truly decide what you want in life. Figure out what you want to do with your

life and do it. Whatever it may be. I know it seems so easy like she is so changeable and that she could

be turned back or convinced. You don't want to leave her because you feel like you can get the old girl

back. The girl you fell in love with. You feel like you should just march into her workplace and pick her up, take her in your arms and tell her you love her and that this is stupid and you belong together. That's exactly how I thought. I'm such an optimistic person. I feel like anything can be fixed but death. Stay strong and keep your conviction and determination in life

active. Follow your heart, that's what i'm doing. Do what you believe in, so that you can never ever feel that you didn't try.

[amerikajin]

Sorry, HD, but I respectfully disagree. Klinghoffer's done that for far too long and he's paid the price. Now he's finally making progress, and I don't want to see him get sidetracked again. You can't will another person into love with you.

[klinghoffer]

thank you all.

 

That's exactly how I feel HD, but Amerikajin is right. I've been down that road. And I've done things like that

somewhat, I've grabbed her and held her and told her this is stupid, why are you struggling? You say you love me and

know you should be with me, So Do it!! Stay with me. But I can't force her to love me or do anything she doesn't

want to do. I almost feel in a weird way that this whole thing with me telling her about the date thing and the

fact that I knew about it, is like an easy way out for her. Like she wants me to hate her. Cuz then, she can use that

to justify what's she's doing in a way. If she loves me so much, I don't hear my phone ringing off the hook

or hear my door bell ringing cuz she's at the door. She doesn't care anymore and that's what hurts the most.

 

I get it now.

[amerikajin]

Bingo!

 

Women will use any out they can get.

[bicylejunk]

Do you think that maybe she's just mentally depressed? You mentioned she says she hates herself for doing what

she's doing, she has no self-esteem, MAybe she's depressed and feels she doesn't deserve you because

she's f**king so much s*** up.

 

Don't hate me guys, Just expressing an opinion, Maybe she needs help from Klinghoffer.

 

 

I mean the signs are there, but what about the underlying signs,,,,Any depression in her family?

[klinghoffer]

yes, there is depression in her fam. Her mom and her sister both. Her dad is the most

happiest guy in the world, but recently had to go on meds because of anxiety and

a little depression.

 

I wonder that too, that's why it's hard for me to turn my back on her guys, i feel like I can save her, but

at the same time, she's a grown woman....She needs to learn to take care of her own stuff.

That's the stuff I struggle with, Hating her because she makes me have to go thru preparing for

a life without her, yet she's not well, she says she hates herself, she's worthless, not good at anything.

My mom was the same way, always depressed, I can live with it, i want to help her, I just don't

think it's my place to intervene, it is because I love her, but I have my doubts.

 

Keep pressing on.

[jmargel]

This stuff she says about herself, did she says this stuff before deciding to end it with you? Depression does rip families apart,etc.. Is she on any meds, has she seen a doctor, councilor, etc? Next time she does call, talk to her. Ask her about those things. I'm not saying this to try to get her back, but just to help her as a person. It may put her on the right track to recovery.

[klinghoffer]

Yeah, She's said it before. In fact I should have seen the warning signs before we even went out,

I just fell in love with the person she is when we are together.

She has a low self-esteem, so I would always try and help her and support her and

encourage her in a nurturing way, that's one of the reasons she tells me she loves me so much for.

But whenever she gets in these slumps, nothing i say can cure her.

 

I mean, like i said, I know she's and adult, she's capable of being responsible and she's not schizo.

she's functions like you and me, but when she gets down, Nothing can be fixed...She'll lose all hope and just quit.

That's one of the reasons why I want to help her Cure Herself and in turn then she can re-evaulate her feelings

about everything. See more clearly. She is just so good at running away from problems and not facing them.

I've sort of seen her do it with friends of hers. She doesn;t do it to be mean, she just never knows how to

handle certain situations, so she'll just ignore them. Doesn;t make sense.

 

Anyway, Ugh, I feel bad for taking up all this board space, the world doesn't revolve around me and my ex-girl

but I appreciate your help and advice guys, I really do.

 

I'll just wait for her to call and I'll listen. I'm at the point where I want to knock down these walls and help HER more than

US right now. She just needs to let me. Why is she pushing me away? Why does she push her parents away?

All she wants to do is hang with her friend who's going thru the same thing with her boyf.

[klinghoffer]

one thing that also makes it difficult is that she only moved 5 blocks away in the other direction. She's so close, yet so far away..it can screw with your mind.

[Cpunch75]

Oh man tell me about it, knowing she is only 5 blocks away has got to be a little bit of a strain on your mind. Least she is not next door or two doors down where you would see her on a somewhat daily basis.

 

"But whenever she gets in these slumps, nothing i say can cure her. "

 

you can't cure her at ALL, even if she wasn't in a slump. I'm dealing with someone who is depressed but denies it, but I can see all the signs of it clearly. If she is crying a lot, irritable, doesn't know what she wants, not eating right, isolating herself.....these are signs of depression.

 

"I'll just wait for her to call and I'll listen. I'm at the point where I want to knock down these walls and help HER more than US right now. She just needs to let me. Why is she pushing me away? Why does she push her parents away? All she wants to do is hang with her friend who's going thru the same thing with her bf."

 

She's the one who built the walls and if you knock them down you are going to push her away.....she's pushing you away because you are part of what is making her depressed, her actions are the cues of what she is going through, when people are depressed, they tend to hurt the one's closest to them so it's hopeless right now, and she needs to work on herself and get out and deal with her problems. It's sort of a catch 22, you want to be there for her so much, but you can't because you are the source of what she's feeling.....

[glasshammer]

EXACTAMUNDO-

 

How can he help her, If she won't let him in? True, True, He is part of the reason she feels like sh*t, Because

of what she's doing to him. I'm sure she knows it. I'm sure she feels bad about hurting him. From what he's said,

She seems like she does care and has a good heart, just has a bad way of communicating and facing her problems.

It's really up to you my man, if you want to try and be her friend and help her. How is her behavior right now, towards you?

[amerikajin]

I'm no therapist, but I doubt she's clinically depressed.

 

Signs of depression are things like changes in eating (too much or too little) and sleeping (staying awake all night and sleeping all day); not socializing with friends; poor work or academic performance; substance abuse, and a host of other symptoms as well. If she's going out on dates with other guys, she's not too depressed...yet.

 

That doesn't mean she doesn't have issues she needs to sort out, but then again, who doesn't?

[klinghoffer]

Well ever since Saturday night when I talked to her and told her in a subtle way that I knew about

her date she went on, we hung up the phone because she was at work and had to go, and she hasn;t

called me since. she's emailed me, which I posted and emailed me again yesterday, but didn't respond.

I broke down, think she's just depressed so i tried calling her last night but she wasn't home all night.

So I don't know.

I think she's avoiding me, at least on the phone. Email is so easy to send, but it's so impersonal and hard

to get any real feeling from words on a screen. I want to call her, but i'm waiting for her to call me. I don't

want to bombard her. I would like to talk to her one more time....You think I should call her?

I mean were dealing with a girl that I'm pretty sure, Is totally scared to call because of what she thinks I must

think of her, for sort of stretching the truth about going out on a date. Like I said, She swears it was just

grabbing a bite to eat as friends, but who knows.

[amerikajin]

I think you should stick to your guns and just continue to give yourselves space. She probably needs it just as much as you do. The only way you can keep from going through the same cycle again is to give yourselves time apart to think about this with a clear mind. Exactly how long you should wait is debatable. If she calls and you answer the phone, be cordial but tell her you don't think it's good for you both to talk about this until after some time has passed. I'd wait at least at least a month (maybe two) before talking about your issues with her, but there's no magic number there.