My GF acts a lot differently now, out all the time, I'm jealous.

[hurtinrealbad]

It sucks indeed, but life can go on without her IF and I stress the word IF you let it. Think about it. She doesn't call you until 1:30 am coming up with some lame excuse that she fell asleep??? She claims she was with a friend (girl) and a guy from work. I'm sure if you asked her she would say he's just a friend or he's interested in her girlfriend. Come on, if the situation were reverse, what would you be saying to her??? The same load of B.S. If she really loves you and if she really doesn't want to lose you, she would start acting like it. She would start being a responsible "significant other" and quit trying to live the single life. It's ok to go out with friends, don't get me wrong, but when it becomes a habit and when the early morning hours come and go and you haven't heard from her, what the hell do you think is going on.

 

I think if you look deep enough in your heart, you will realize that you have to let her go completely. It is possible that she may come back to you, but you better make damn sure it's for all the right reasons and not because she is totally dependant on you.

 

It seems to me like she wants to have her cake (you) and eat it too (single life). They don't work together and only cause hurt and pain. I know what it's like to lay awake at night with every imaginable thought running through your mind about what she's doing, who she's with and what they're doing....It drove me freaking insane and literally mad. I would start breaking things, yelling, screaming, having panic attacks, etc, etc. Life is too short to live like that and I just got it in my mind that I have no control anymore, all I can do is change what I can and leave the rest up to God and/or destiny. Nothing more, nothing less, that's just the way it is......

 

I really wish the best for you, I'm sure you've had other girlfriends and other breakups, and this won't be the last. You made it this far, just keep on going for you know not what may lay ahead.

 

--hrb

[bicylejunk]

But you gotta just let it go. Stop posting Klinghoffer and stop dwelling on this, It is a big issue, Probably the hugest

you've ever had to deal with, But you have to let it go.

 

My ex-girl did the same thing to me. She had the worst way of communicating anything to me. She would just

get quiet. I hated it. That's not good communication, that's just a childish act. Not being brave enough to face

your fears and we cannot help but take it personal like, well They must not care about us.

 

But I really felt for her in the end. She just had major issues, going back and forth with me as well. She would say to me-

"I love you, I really love you, But I feel like I need time to figure stuff out, be on my own away from you, we've been

together a long time and I know it sounds totally selfish and horrible but I wish that you would wait for me to figure things out

because I know I want to be with you, Just not right now." "I know you are the ONE for me, but I just need time to be on my own".

 

So Anyway, I don't know if it's just women, I know men go thru this kind of thing too. But some people really have issues to

deal with in their lives and sometimes WE fall victim to their Indecisiveness and their bizarre sort of rebellious behavior when they

are going thru a bunch of crap.

 

Just move on, Be there for her, But don't be taken advantage of and move on. Do what you got to do for yourself>>>

That's the only way. That's the ONLY way.

 

Peace Brother

[jmargel]

Bicycle the only part I see wrong in your statement is your second sentence. If he needs to post here & it makes him feel better then do it! This guy needs any support he can get, you should know how hard it is to let someone completely go.

 

Klingoffer, the advice we gave ya is hard to swallow. Its something you don't want to hear or truly accept from the sounds of your post. What bothers me is her drinking. If she is drinking alot then there is a reason for it. It sounds like she is very confused as well, but she is hurting you in the process. A relationship should be based on love, communication, trust & forgiveness, IMO. I don't see any of those things in your relationship with her. Yes, you two probably had great memories and been there for each other and loved each other dearly. But as with my ex, I realized that she wasn't the same person I fell in love with.

 

Look at it this way: If you never knew your gf before this & first met her today knowing she is doing these things. Would you date her? If your answer is no, then you need to know that this is not good for your health. You need to start this process that you two have been talking about so you can get through the stages of grief. There's another post about 'My fiancee is sleeping on his ex's couch' that explains all of it.

 

There is no reason to be cold hearted to her. You are still in love with her and its natural to want to protect & be there for her. However she has chosen this path, not you. So keep that in mind when all of this starts taking place. You need to set a date when you or her move out. She is just prolonging your hurting which is not good for you.

[amerikajin]

Klinghoffer,

 

I know I might get some flack for this, but try not to be too hard on your ex (and yes, I mean "ex"...it's time for you to wake up to reality, dude). I think both of you are confused, and while she appears to be the one drifting away in the relationship, it doesn't seem like she's really trying to screw you over in a bad way. What it comes down to is that she's young, she's probably confused about how to play the game of romance, and she needs to come to a conclusion - in fact, you both do. That's your problem here: you need finality. You need "closure". She's been giving you hints all along and hoping you'd take them so she wouldn't have to do the dirty work. In addition, she's also a little unsure of herself. Deep down inside, she knows that your relationship is dead; on the other hand, she knows she has something to come home to at night if she needs it - something familiar to her (i.e. you).

 

For her sake, and more importantly for yours, you need to finish the deal. Close it. No ifs, ands or buts about it - you need to break up with her once and for all and say "It's been fun. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for helping me become a better person. But unfortunately, this is where we get off, babe. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best. Out"

 

Capeesh?

[klinghoffer]

I Totally hear you 100 percent! and for the past 4 days, I've been sure of what needs to be done and

am ready to just Move On. I've already made some big decisions about things and taken on some

work that I never would have, being with me girl and considering her feelings. I took a job saturday and

made made definite plans with friends to keep myself busy over the next coming weeks.

 

BUT GET THIS,

 

 

She calls me this morning from work......she went over to her friend Katie's house last night, Said she wasn't gonna be

late because she had to work early this morning, then called me at 11:30 to say she was just staying over since it

was so late...and i'm like whatever, just be safe, see you later, At this point, I'm staying strong and just letting her do whatever, right? I made a decision for myself, Okay.....anyway, She calls me this morning from work, I'm getting ready for work and tells me, She loves me, she loves me, She loves me, and that She had a revelation last night, she wants to be with me so bad and wants this to work.

She wants to make things right and she feels so stupid for trying to leave when she knows that I'm one of the main things, she wants

in her life and she was crying and told me she hopes we can talk tonight.

 

 

See how tough it is??? She goes back and forth with me, I mean she seemed sincere in her words this morning

But I'm going to stand my ground even though i want so bad to be with her, I need to stand my ground and move on , right????

[bicylejunk]

geez, you've got a bad situation my man. Keep your chin up.

[amerikajin]

My advice is still the same. She probably just felt lonely last night and her "revelation" was that since she can't find what she's looking for (who knows exactly what that is?) that she'll settle for you. Is that how you want this to work? Do you want her just hanging on to you while deep inside she's hoping to find an experience better than her relationship with you? Because that's what she's doing.

 

Trust me. It's time to point to the door and say "Truck on, babe."

[bryanp]

Hello Kinghoffer,

 

I bet her revelation was that she would actually have to start paying bills by herself and lose her sugardaddy that was paying for everything while she went out partying all of the time leaving you alone. Wake up and start searching for a woman who is intelligent, self-supporting and who believes in respecting the man she is with. The problem is that you are involved with a spoiled little girl who does not wish to lose a guy who provides her with financial security. My guess is that her girlfriend told her what a great gig she has from a guy who pays for all the expenses and she gets to party and act independent. You are going to look back at this in the future and you will say what a sucker you were. Stop being used and manipulated. Maybe its time you have a revelation and move on and find someone who can respect you and what a committment means. If you are willing to settle for so little in your life, then that is what you will end up with in your life.

Don't you think you deserve more? If you don't respect yourself then who will??

[klinghoffer]

I talked to her and Her "Revelation" only lasted thru the morning and by the time I saw her last night,

She was confused again.

 

We Talked, I'm already set to go. I'm ready for us to split. It would be best for both of us. And I'm not

going to be some pathetic guy who can't come to terms with the fact that it's over...I'm already looking to

the future with my own needs and goals, I mean it. And we agreed that, She needs to move out. So she's

going to look this week with her best friend. She's just freaking out, feeling like she's making a mistake.

 

She's a great person, she just got messed up somewhere along the line. She's not ready for any of this

and needs to be set free and she knows she does, but at the same time, doesn't want to lose me.

I mention all that comfort-zone stuff, the sugardaddy stuff etc and she denies it fully, and I believe her.

She did tons of stuff for me before, bought things for us, for our home, for our life, was planning stuff for us,

was totally involved with US. Then she just went into a depression.....worrying about her career choice, her life,

feeling like she hasn't accomplished anything in her life, doesn't have any direction, feels worthless, so in a

way, she wants to go prove herself out there. And all this partying(which is really maybe 2-3 times a week tops)

is just a way of her feeling frustrated and needing to be out doing something, drinking her worries away.

 

 

Anyway, Thanks again for all of your advice, I am on the right track BRYANP, I'm moving on and

i'm forcing her to be on her way to, but she knows I love her, she knows how I feel about her.

It'll all work itself out.

 

Life Goes On.

[wideawake]

Hey bro,

 

I just read through the thread and wanted to just lend you my support at this very hard time for you.

 

I've been there myself man, and it so hard to live through, but it's true that you'll be a better person after this is past. And bro, if I learned ANYTHING from this thread I learned that YOu are a great person and YOU really deserve another great person in your life that loves you and shows you the respect you deserve.

 

Seriously, I don't want to sound harsh or mean, but like I said, I've been there and if this was me -

 

Kick her ass to the curb and never even talk to her again.

 

Period. End of story.

 

Don't EVER let ANYONE f***ING disrespect you like that man.

 

 

Now....where are those lovely young ladies for you!

[jmargel]

Klinghoffer,

 

Be prepared for more phone calls from her like that. It'll probably last a month or two until some schmuck finds her & treats her bad. I know its not what you want to hear, but she'll be on the rebound so if she does come to her senses a year from now that's something you might have to deal with. But by then you might have found someone else. Don't rush it.

 

Almost every woman needs to be on their own for some length of time. Its the 'independence' of it all. Trust me, if you are with a girl who hasn't lived on her own for some length of time, be ready for some trouble.

 

As for your relationship you had with her, were there things that you did wrong? It sounds like it is all her blame, but in every relationship both sides usually have done something stupid or wrong that they regret. Now is the time to confess that stuff, if you did.

 

Anyway, hang in there. When she calls crying, etc.. be strong and tell her this was her choice. That if she really wants to be a part of you, then she needs to 'show' it. By getting a full time job, by helping supporting the both of you and setting goals for a future with each other.

[klinghoffer]

I think the only thing

i ever did wrong was that maybe i Did too much for her.

I just loved her so much. If you had seen those first 3 years, She was

so In love with me and I did so much to show her how much I did too.

I didn't want us to feel like we were married by living together, In fact i didn't want us to move in together, But she

wanted to so bad and at the time it just worked out that way because of our living situations. It was just

easier for us to move in together...

but I also wanted to make things easier for her and be there for her and do what I could to

keep her from feeling trapped or like she couldn't go out and do things for herself, be with friends etc.

I was so supportive of her, I really respected and loved her.

 

I knew what we had in the beginning. I felt it was a special thing from the start and tried

hard to take it slow and make it good so that we would last. I wanted us to last. We've never

been at each other's throats or called each other names or disrepected each other or yelled at each other.

A few disagreements or misunderstandings here and there but All in All, totally good and much Love.

 

I understand that this is the way it has to be now. I'm still sad inside, But I know that time away from each other

is what we need, If anything. And moving in together, although it was fun for a 3 years, Was probably not the best move.

 

If any of you are suffering from the same thing, You have to stay strong and think with a clear mind about what the

right thing to do is. It's hurts like hell, but life has to go on.

[amerikajin]

>>>Its the 'independence' of it all. Trust me, if you are with a girl who hasn't lived on her own for some length of time, be ready for some trouble. <<<

 

Now THAT is insight. I'd never really thought about it until you mentioned it, but I reckon you're right. Maybe both women and men, but yeah, I see your perspective here. I think some women get really needy and can't stand being left alone, so they go straight from one guy right to the next. I worry about the ones who've never taken a break from dating - we all need a break (not a long one, but just a break once in a while).

[bicylejunk]

Some girls(i guess guys too) leave perfectly good relationships because they

want to find themselves but end up hooking up with other guys because

they need to fill a void. You don't find yourself in the arms of Another guy/girl.

 

Your girl should date around, she needs to learn how to be happy with herself

in order to be happy with someone else. If she jumps right into the arms of

someone else, she might be happy for a few weeks, but then reality will kick in.

 

She better figure out herself first...and do it quick, she shouldn;t risk losing such

a cool guy like you.

[bicylejunk]

BTW....I meant to say,,, Your GIRL SHOULD NOT date around. Typo. My Bad.

[bicylejunk]

Hey Klinghoffer, How's things going with your situation??

[klinghoffer]

oh well you know. The Same. I'm sure everybody is getting sick of this thread by now.

 

 

Some days I'm cool, Other days I miss her. I went out last last with some friends and

was out kinda late and went I got hom she was home and she seemed kind of

jealous that I was out, but wouldn't let me go, She hugged me and snuggled and

told me she loved me, Same stuff.

 

But Like I Said,,,I'm focused on doing my own thing now and I'm here for her and supporting her, But

I'm not bumming as bad as I was. I'll be fine. I'm not going to hold my breath for her or wait around.

I'm not looking to start dating anyone else anytime soon, But i'm just not going to allow myself to

get depressed and be all down in the dumps, It's a new day, a new chapter is starting.

[Gracie]

wow, long thread! Anyway, I just had some thoughts on this situation. First, why would you still allow her to snuggle with you when you are broken up? Is she ever gonna move out or will she just be your little snuggle bunny forever? Second, she has money to drink 2-3 nights a week, but can't come up with just half of rent/utilities? I was paying full rent and utilities (came to about $1000/mo) when I was 17. She is in for a rude awakening!

 

It really bothers me to see a man getting taken advantage of because my dad is a sugardaddy. He has a 22 year old fiance (one year older than my sister, to be married in September). She is a parasite to my dad. She doesn't cook, doesn't clean, and he is going to have to sell the house we grew up in because she also doesn't help pay bills and he spent all of his savings (a trust fund he had) on wooing her and taking her out to eat. She is very needy, much like your girlfriend, and she really likes to snuggle and is constantly begging my dad "take care of me, I am so weak and cute"...so please don't end up like my dad.

[klinghoffer]

I know, I know, I sound dumb.

 

I allow her to snuggle with me because I still love her... and who knows? This will probably be the last couple of

snuggles I'll ever have with the girl I love. I don't hate the woman. I'm not bitter. I guess there's this dumb dream in my head that,

She's going to move out for a couple of months and then she's going to want to come back. I just want to treat her

as good as I can while she's still here, so that she will always remember good things about me and Us. She

still wants to hang out and know me once she moves out, In fact she keeps saying that she wants to invite me

to her new apartment once she gets it , for many many dinners as she says. She says she'd die if she didn't

know me her whole life.

 

But Once she moves out, I'm not going to make myself as available to her. I do NOT

want to be that pathetic guy who can't get over the girl that dumped him. I'm not going to fall all over myself

to help her out or run to her if she winks an eye once she leaves. I can NOT be that guy. I just want her to remember what she had

with me and know that I tried my hardest to show her that she was loved and appreciated by me and that

when I told her I loved her 4 years ago, I meant it and never once doubted it. I'm not conceited or cocky but

I'm sure the whole thing will be a Wake-Up call for her but it'll be a good thing. She needs to do her own thing to figure

out what it is she wants in this life.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by klinghoffer

I do NOT want to be that pathetic guy who can't get over the girl that dumped him. I'm not going to fall all over myself to help her out or run to her if she winks an eye once she leaves. I can NOT be that guy.

 

Bro, come on...you already are that guy.

 

I don't want to sound mean, but you're still putting up with too much bs from her.

 

Start dreaming about the new girl that will treat you right.

[klinghoffer]

well you know what, It may seem like I'm that guy right NOW,

But that's because she's still in my house. I can't just magically

turn into Mr. Tough As Nails, I have a heart. This heart is stupid

and it loves this girl. How can I trust another girl's Love for me?

This is the 3rd time i've been dumped for being too nice of a guy

But i was sure that She was THE ONE. But whatever, I'm sick of posting and

talking about it. Thanks for all of your help guys. I appreciate

every bit of your input. Don't worry, i wont Post any

cheesy Updates. I'll be cool. I'll accept that she's gone, And once

she moves out, I'll move to Alaska and out of her life. Take Care.

[Papillon]

It's amazing how reading about someone else's problems magically seems to put your own into a better perspective...but anyway...here's my take on the situation:

 

It sounds to me like she's got bad friends...I remember my own partying days from college, and how hard it was to part with that drinking, partying crowd, where everybody is your friend and everybody finds solidarity in his/her cups. It seems to me like she needs that crowd to feel alive, to keep her head in the clouds, but also needs you to keep her feet on the ground.

 

There's an old saying: "Cage a woman, and she'll want to fly away...give a woman wings, and she'll fold them around you"...perhaps your girl hasn't grown the wings needed to fold around you. Just also keep in mind that there are many types of cages - I used to cage my girlfriends emotionally because, after college, I didn't like going out and partying, but I let them do so freely - in the end it was still just a gilded, emotional cage.

 

She's trying to find something with her friends that is missing from your relationship - fun and excitement, maybe. I have no doubt in my mind that she'll mature, eventually, (You are OBVIOUSLY, ENORMOUSLY more mature than her) but if you want to keep this girl - you're going to have to find something to fill that gap, to replace whatever she finds in her friends and collegues. You have to realize that by allowing her to roam freely, you're actually reinforcing her behaviour and creating and endorsing a climate whereby the two of you live seperate lives....

 

I'm kinda wary of giving advice for you to stay with her - I think she definitely needs to be brought by her senses with a spell in the real world. She'll reprioritize her life, reevaluate her feelings for you.

 

From reading this thread, I really think you are a great guy, and that you deserve to have a wonderful, caring woman in your life. All the very best of luck, and love, to you.

 

Peace.

[klinghoffer]

No matter how hard this all is, I can't hate the woman. I have self-respect but, Maybe it's just

because I'm sensitive to a woman's needs, I know women need to prove themselves or because

i was raised by my mother....But I just CAN NOT HATE this girl. She's confused and she's scared of

living her life and going out on her own, but she needs/wants to.

 

She's moving out for sure this weekend, it's official. She has an apartment with her best friend.

I love her, But I know that we are OVER. I get it. I understand it. I accept it. Life as we both knew it

for us, Is OVER. Time for the next chapter of our lives. She needs to do some growing and I need to

do what I need to do for myself, get my own life on track, accomplish those goals i always wanted

to. I'm free to roam. I'll keep her in my heart, but set her free. She wants to stay in contact and is so

afraid of not knowing me when she moves out, she says she doesn't want to lose me, but we'll see.

I'm not holding my breath.

[amerikajin]

Dude, the toughest thing to do is to let go of a woman you've developed some attachment to. Even when your head knows you're doing the right thing, your heart still aches. The day she leaves will be as painful as hell, so be prepared. Whatever you do, don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. Once she leaves, make it final. There might be an urge on her part as well as yours to reconcile, but you'd only be delaying the inevitable.

[bicylejunk]

Damn Klinghoffer, this thread is LONG!

 

 

 

 

I just wanted to lend one final thought, since it looks like this will be your final week with her.

Just keep your head up. It's tough, It sucks, You feel miserable I'm sure, But as soon as she's out

that will be your time to Heal. I've gone thru this very thing. I would come home to our place we had together

only to see boxes in the house and find her packing stuff up. It broke my heart all the way up to the end.

 

I just had always thought that our bond was strong and that nothing could break it. I thought even though

we weren't sure where we were both headed in our careers that, we would at least have each other to

love and support each other. Be each other's anchors. But she left me.

 

I'm just repeating what everyone else has been telling you but, Now's the time to do things for YOU.

You won't have her to take care of anymore and be her man, So you've got to take care of yourself and

whatever else you hold dear to your heart, aside from the girl.

 

If it's meant to be, she'll come back to you. But don't wait around for that day to come. And even though she

may have tendencies(she may or may not) to seem like she's crying and wants to stay but is trying to leave,

DOn't try and talk her out of it. This is the best thing for both of you. It's a great life experience for her to feel independent

and on her own and it's a great love learning lesson for you, to see if this time will heal you from the loss.

Either way, even though it feels like you're dying, This should be a good time for you guys to re-evaluate your

feelings for each other, possibly make things stronger...