My GF acts a lot differently now, out all the time, I'm jealous.

[wideawake]

She's screwing with your head. Be done with this manipulative one already!

[klinghoffer]

I know, I know,

It just kills me.

 

I mean I know there are more important things going on the world and it's selfish to think

the whole world revolves around this. I just am finding it difficult. I Just need to Cut her Out of My

Life. She's obviously trying to Cut me out of hers somewhat.

 

She called me right now and asked if

we could hang out and I said Yes, when I

really wanted to say No. I'm f**ked. I need to

get away from here.

[klinghoffer]

But don't worry, I aint suicidal or anything dumb like that. I'm not going to pull a Kurt Cobain just because the girl I love, Is leaving me.

People are dying over in The middle East and I'm worried about this chick? Whatever, I'm stupid, i'll get on with my life guys. I'm going to focus my energy on doing something good for my loved ones and friends and for myself. Her Loss.

[amerikajin]

Okay, I was wrong. She might occasionally want a little action in the sack. Still, that doesn't materially change your situation. She still has no level of commitment to you. You're her security blanket. Meanwhile, she goes out and does who knows what with other guys.

 

I can't really say anymore than I've already said. You have to start looking after yourself. If you can't do that, then nothing we say will help. I don't say that to be rude, but you know what you have to do. I trust that you will get to a point when you've finally had enough. At least then, you'll know what steps to take.

 

Peace.

[wideawake]

Take care klinghoffer, my thoughts are with you this morning. I hope things become clearer for you.

[klinghoffer]

All of your advice and words aren NOT taken for granted by me.

 

I know what I need To do, Things are clear. It's just like having

(2) Bumper Cars bumping into each side of my head and represents

my mind and one represents my heart. My mind knows what to do but

my heart jams it's signals. I'm just waiting til this weekend. I feel I still

have obligations like getting her last things over to her...Plus I still

need to fix a part on her car that I promised I'd do last week. After that

I know I can move on. I mean like I said, I have things waiting And once

I start them, I'll be knee deep in things to do and occupy my time and thoughts.

I'll be going out of town frequently and busy most nights. So I know I'm not going

to be there for her everytime she needs me. I'm doing what I want to do for me,

Since she's doing what she's got to do for herself. I just have a heart and that's

what makes it difficult. The one thing that scares me is that, I know that girl is still

inside of her, the one that loves me and still wants to be with me, Because she comes

out every once in a while and breaks down. So to ignore her and alienate her is like

killing myself because, it's almost as if, What If She finally Comes around And Needs Me,

And I'm Not Here?????? But that's the Risk you take In these sorts of situations.

I just want her to know that I did all I could to make her happy and would have done

more and more til my dying breath. I really love her.

 

I'll be fine guys, Thanks for reading my words as I went insane on you all, Ha!

[wideawake]

Hey man,

 

Thanks for letting us know you appreciate the comments, that means the world to me.

 

here's the deal bro, I've been EXACTLY where you are right now. Is this the first time you've had a girl trip on you like this?

 

It's just hard for someone like myself to read through your posts and see SO much of myself (at a younger age) in them.

 

I'm sorry if I come off as abrupt or hard assed, but in retrospect, I wish I had been firmer in my own experience. My experience also dragged out, and I also let me heart sway my head and I ended up being the worse for wear because of it.

 

If anything, I'm just trying to help someone else avoid those mistakes.

[klinghoffer]

No I dig, I dig. And I hear ya. And YES, I appreciate your advice a lot...it's helped me.

 

Actually NO, This isn't the first time i've been left behind. But the first girl...well..

I knew I wasn't that In love with her because my recovery was so much quicker.

I thought I loved her, But i was just young and she was like a first serious GF.

 

With this one, I wasn't even looking for her when I found her and wasn't even thinking about her in a

girlfriend way when we first met, I just got to know her and BOOM, fell for her hard. And her for me. She's the only

girl that I ever went mad for and pursued once I knew we both liked each other. I've dated and been in small little relationships

before. Nothing ever like this. That's why it's hard. I thought we had a good thing. I mean granted, We were probably due

for a break since we were together so long and with each other all the time, But I didn't think she'd move out. If i was

ever sure about anything in this life of mine, It was that I Love My Girl and she loved me, Now I don't even have that

and that makes life confusing.

 

I don't mind, Be firm and hard assed, I read it with an open mind. I just get a lot of "dump her Dude" or

"Forget about her, find a another Chick" or "there's plenty of Fish in the Sea" from my friends but most

of them have never had anything this meaningful, So they don't know what it's like.

 

Anyway, Yeah...Let me have it, I don't take offense, I know you're all just trying to help. It's just a little more

complicated because she's not being a down right evil monster bitch to me. Sure she's being selfish at times,

But she gave me so much in the beginning that I know she's just going thru some deep crap with her life.

She's depressed. So I can't hate her. I just get frustrated. I want to help her as a friend, But love her as a girlfriend.

But she's not in that zone right now. Only time will tell. There's no definite answers.

[jmargel]

When my ex left, I hated hearing 'There's other fish in the sea, etc..' because to me at that time, there wasn't. So I'm not going to tell you that. In all actuality, I would probably tell you not to date anyone right now. Your heart wouldn't be there & you wouldn't be fair to that other girl. I'd still go out with friends tho (both male & female).

 

As for the car thing, maybe now is the time to tell her that she should take it to a mechanic to get it fixed. You need to start somewhere, and I think that would be the best opportunity. Just reading this post kinda scares the hell outta me, because it's brought back alot of bad memories of the stuff I went through. It's something I never want to go through again.

 

I hope some women read this post, it shows how much of an effect you have on us guys. Most women stereotype guys as having no feelings, etc..

 

The way I just see it though as long as she keeps in contact with you like this the more depressed & confused you are going to get. She really needs to stop playing these head games. You have to let her know this as well.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by jmargel

As for the car thing, maybe now is the time to tell her that she should take it to a mechanic to get it fixed. You need to start somewhere, and I think that would be the best opportunity.

 

 

YES!!!!!!

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

Start small, start now.

 

As an FYI - When I got this bs that last time I stayed away and didn't date anyone for about 6 months. Than, when I was finally 'back' to my old self and feeling great about myself, I met the most wonderful girl in the world.

[klinghoffer]

I think that at times too. I wonder sometimes if all of this is some weird crazy prelude to me meeting

the "actual" girl of my dreams. I mean I don't want to think that because I love this girl so much, But I

have thought it.

 

I've already started. I mean She asked if i wanted to come over tonight to her place and I told her I was busy, cuz I am.

Then she asked about tomorrow night and I told her I was busy then too, cuz I am. I mean I'm going to see her for a bit on Sat.

because of the Car and her last piece of furniture. I'm going to be nice to her, but i'm going to do my own thing.

She does have it good. In her mind she is screwing things up, but not too bad because she knows that i'm waiting.

She know's that if she ever asked anything of me, I'd be there for her. She know's how attractive I find her and how much I love

everything about her because i've told her so many times. She know's in the back of her mind that she has me to be there for her. So maybe I just need to crush that security a little bit. You don't know what you've got, til it's gone. We'll see how she does when

i'm not always there to be her man. She may look for security elsewhere or may come back to me. But I really need to do what you

guys are all saying and take care of me and anything else that's important to me, other than her.

[amerikajin]

>>>I'm going to be nice to her, but i'm going to do my own thing. She does have it good. In her mind she is screwing things up, but not too bad because she knows that i'm waiting. She know's that if she ever asked anything of me, I'd be there for her. She know's how attractive I find her and how much I love <<<

 

Your girl doesn't know what she's about to lose...too bad. You seem like a really nice guy who doesn't fool around on people you care about and it seems as though you were really into this woman with all your heart.

 

Just make sure of one thing: when you do start closing the door on this relationship, don't open it back open again. The temptation will be strong, but don't. I have no doubt that when she senses that you're ready to move on without her, she'll panic and begin to think "Oh my God, I'm losing Mr. Dependable", and she'll try to sweet talk you into getting back with her. If you do that, you're just setting yourself up for even bigger heartbreak. She's not going to like you anymore, she'll just be glad to know that she once again has you to fall back on in case she needs to use you for something.

 

You must be resolute. Forget her.

[jmargel]

I agree with amerikajin. The only way you should ever take her back is if she's willing to go see a councilor with you. Otherwise the same situation will happen again. When my ex left I truly thought my world ended. Seemed like life was not worth living anymore. Anything I did was only a distraction from the inevitable truth that she was gone from my life forever. I withdrew from everybody, even people at work asked me if I was ok. I was on anti-depressants which actually made things worse (don't ever take paxil). I didnt know who to turn to, and I ended up finding out about some chat rooms. I had some friends in real life that I would talk to, but overtime I met some great people online that I got comfortable enough with to talk about things. I'm still friends with some of them today, four years later. It was nice to know I wasn't the only person in the world feeling this way.

 

I dated here & there for the next few years but nothing serious. In all honesty the women I met weren't the greatest. They all seemed to have one thing in mind, which was sex. It got to the point where that's all I thought women wanted, so thats what they got. I learned to be alone, and accepted the fact that I would probably be living alone for the rest of my life even though I had a heart of love to give someone. I was starting to think that things were just a game. Before my ex I never really dated. She was my first for just about everything. I was kinda shy before then with women.

 

As time went on I always heard 'Wow, I can't believe your single'. I got so tired of hearing that I felt like something was wrong with me. All during this time I really never heard from my ex. Three years of this. Then one day I get a phone call from her asking if she could come over. I was shocked to say the least, and told her she could. When she came over I sat across the room from her. I just wanted to get a good look at the woman that I once wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She started off with small talk, but I knew that wasn't the reason why she was here. She then apologized for everything she did to me. Telling me she felt guilty all these years for hurting me, and was hoping I would have forgave her. She was stuttering alot, like she was nervous. I even told her 'Its ok, no reason to be nervous around me'. The only thing I asked her if she was happy. By that time she married my ex best friend, and had a kid. Her answer was 'no'. But all I could say was 'Im sorry'. Looking at her I didnt get that feeling for her like I once had. It was so weird. I never thought I could ever feel that way about someone I loved so deeply before. It was like she was almost a stranger. We talked for about an hour and the only thing I did tell her was that 'There will always be a part of me that loves you' which is a different type of love. Its not a romantic, or in love kinda thing. Just a type of a 'I care for you' kinda love. She hugged me but I noticed she didnt want to let go. I just felt weird about the whole situation. After that, she called me a few times and actually came upto me in public when I least expected it. I think she finally got the notion that I moved on with my life. At that time I was truly in love with someone else, but who was in a bad situation with her bf.

 

This other girl & me were very close, and about 2 months after my ex came to see me, this girl professed her love for me. We are truly best friends, lovers and soulmates. Both her & me have gone through alot of pain and I think our past experiences have helped us become who we are today. I know with my experience I've learned to be more understanding and patient. And to never take anyone for granted. Love them today like you would never see them again.

 

I believe everyone has a soulmate, whether your ex is it or not, only time will tell. From what I can tell from all of this, she might be acting very selfish, but she is also very confused. And more importantly don't take any blame on this for yourself. Nothing you could've said, or done would have prevented this. Take solice in knowing you did the best you can, and that no one could have persuaded her from doing what she is doing now.

[amerikajin]

Man, I'm beginning to get the feeling like we're three guys hangin out in a bar somewhere <Hey bartender! Three draft beers, please!>

 

Okay! Got that outta the way.

 

Klinghoffer, my man, you're at the absolute toughest part of the break-up. You're at the point where you're head's telling you "it's over", while your emotions are telling you "Remember those good times you spent together." It's just plain f_cked. There's no other way to put it.

 

Just trust jmargel and me: it does get better. You'll have more time to think about things and see that maybe they weren't what you think they are now.

 

It's really interesting for me to read jmargel's posts because he's now where I want to be. I, too, have wondered just when - if ever - I will find the right match. I've actually dated some pretty nice girls, but none have ever sparked the kind of interest in me that I had with my ex.

 

Despite the fact that I was angry at her about some things, I don't regret my time with her. We had a good run together. Lord knows we gave it a shot, and we both gave up some things to try to make it work. I look back and wish I had possessed better relationship skill at the time. As in jmargel's case, she was my first real relationship, so there were times when I felt like I was completely oblivious to what was happening around me. I think she had expectations of me I could not fulfill. On the other hand, I thought she could be obsessively jealous, occasionally manipulating, unnecessarily confrontational, and otherwise too damn proud of herself to admit that she made mistakes. I wish it didn't take me giving up a career and moving three states away and a year of recovery to figure out that it wasn't the match made in heaven that I thought it was, but that's life. As I said, I don't regret the time we spent together. I still think they were in some ways the best years of my life.

 

Now I look forward. I look forward to a time when I can find someone new, a new mystery to uncover, a new identity to discover. I know I don't have promises, but I'm ever hopeful.

[jmargel]

Yep, things will get better. Also don't regret any of those years you spent with her. Its made you who you are today. Think back to the days before you met her & now. You've learned alot since then, and had some awesome experiences.

 

Love is a weird thing, I guess the reason why it hurts so much at times, is because it feels so good to fall into it. But whatever you do, please don't let your self-worth be based on the breakup with your ex. Alot of people do that, which is the big reason for depression. You aren't alone and at this very moment there are alot of others who are going through the same thing you are.

 

As for when love might come around again? Wish I could tell you. Once you are at that point of willing to let yourself become loved again, the biggest thing is to remain postive. You'll never know what girl might fall in love with that smile she sees on you, one day outta the blue.

 

And yea, if anything has come positive out of this thread is that 3 of us guys have something in common & formed a bond.

 

Perhaps one of the the mods might make this a sticky or something, to show how painful love can be at times, but that you can overcome it.

[klinghoffer]

Yeah, I Totally feel like we're 3 guys at a bar talking about the women we once were with.

 

 

Yeah, who knows. When I look in her eyes I still see beauty. It's like I want to go all the way back to the beginning

and do it all over again. She made me feel so Loved. I felt so loved by her, a love I had never felt before. She told

me constantly how I made her feel so goo and loved too and How much she loved me and and felt blessed that I came

into her life. To have that part of her seeming like it's disappeared somewhat, is just so confusing and such a sad feeling.

 

You're life is going a certain way for so long and then all of the sudden the rug is pulled out from underneath you and

you have to deal with all the changes and losses.

 

I don't regret my time with her either. I had so much fun with her and she made me feel good. I just hate for us to part

like this. I really felt like we were a good couple. I really had hope for us and was ready to ask her to marry me about 2 months

before all this took a weird turn. I told her that recently and she cried for 20 minutes. I see the potential in her, But she's

just hesitant because she's not ready. Sounds typical, but she doesn't know who she is right now. And I really don't know

how to help her but to just leave her alone.

 

 

Thanks again guys, You two have helped me so much and I appreciate it so much, seriously.

 

Pals.

[bicylejunk]

Hang in there man, I know it feels like a knife in the heart, but keep your wits about you.

Maybe if you be cool, heal yourself, take the time to better yourself, refrain from calling her

and helping her out so much, She'll come crawling back, If she doesn't well then maybe it just

wasn't meant to be and there's another girl you're supposed to meet down the road.

[klinghoffer]

I also hope for the best for her. All she has right now is Work and her work friends. No school, no hobbies, no career choices. I think there is a whole lot more to life than just talking about work and hanging out with your work buddies. Plus she moved in with her best friend who she met at work 2 years ago. All they ever talk about is who said what and who likes who and what customer came in and are we hitting up the happy hour after work. When All that dies down and she realizes that she hasn't done anything, i mean maybe she will do something, but if she doesn't, i hope she still feels good about her decision and giving up a guy who was willing to give her the world and love her unconditionally and wanted to travel places with her and experience other places and do lots of things together. I hope she finds what she's looking for.

[amerikajin]

I feel for ya, Klinghoffer. It sucks when you part ways with someone you care deeply about, no matter whether it was your decision, her decision, or a mutual one.

 

Whenever we get rejected by someone, there's always that part of us that wants to be around to see the awakening, the moment when they realize that leaving us was a mistake. In my experience, it has happened to me once. Before I met my ex, I had another good girlfriend whom I met in my freshmen year of university. At first I didn't know whether I wanted to date her exclusively or not, but over time, I realized that she was a nice girl and I wanted to spend my free time with her. Before we went home for the summer break, she went to a party at another university where her brother went to school. There she met this guy who was in her brother's frat, and they hit it off. That next weekend, when she went back to the university and ignored me during the week, I figured something was up, though she didn't come out and say it. Finally, after I called her a dozen times (big mistake), I got through and she told me what had happened. We had only been dating for three months, but I had already developed a fondness for her. It hurt. I called her one last time to wish her a good summer and that was that...or so I thought. One day over the summer, I get this long letter from her, in which she asks me of all things "Why didn't I put up more of a fight for (her)?" At 19, I was too stupid to realize what was going on. I was being played, but I took the bait and wrote her back. I thought things were going back on track...until she did it again. Similar situation. Another guy from her brother's frat. After that, I'd pretty much had enough. Somehow though, I got over it and we actually kept in contact as friends.

 

Then, about 18 months later, she told me that she and her man broke up - he ended up cheating on her and treating her like garbage. We ended up hanging out for a time. Nothing romantic, but just hanging out. I didn't know how to play the situation, so I just hoped that she wouldn't be dumb enough to go back to him. Unfortunately, she did go back to him for another five or six months - same result.

 

I think it was over this time that I began to grow a little disillusioned with women's behavior. It's just that I couldn't make sense of it all. I knew when I was being rejected and when I was being played (or at least I began to pick up on some of the signs). I just didn't know how to capture and keep the ones I wanted. I think I just grew apathetic over time, didn't really give a s*** anymore. And that's about the time things started picking up in my love life. As I picked up more women, I also grew in confidence. I still committed many a blunder, but it all began falling into place...right about the time when I met my ex. It took me longer for me to fall for her than it did for her to fall for me, though I did a very stupid thing in telling her how much I loved her and all that very early on in the relationship. Pussycat makes us men really stupid sometimes, eh?.

 

My experiences now are in some ways similar to jmargel's. I'm more patient about relationships than I used to be. There's no need to rush anything. Whatever happens, happens. Enjoy whatever you end up getting from a relationship.

[klinghoffer]

Yeah, You're right. Whatever happens happens.

 

 

 

It just sucks. I found out that she went out on a date with some guy on

Saturday Night. The same day I was helping her out with her furniture and taking care of her car for her, I bought her lunch etc.

She left a note out and I read it when she came over to my house last night...She had wanted to hang out with me and kept insisting, so i invited her over and made her a nice dinner. She appreciated it and was very thankful and then we watched tv then fell asleep. She stayed over, we just slept, nothing happened. But when I was leaving this morning for work, I was going to leave her a note to lock up and have a good day etc etc. So I went to grab a piece of paper next to her purse on my desk and the note must have fallen out, so i looked to see what it was to see if i could use it to write on. And it was her just writing about the date.

and about how she had a good time, he was cool and attractive. blah blah blah, he dropped her off that was it, if she never saw him again, she's glad she went because she thought it was good for her etc. Then she wrote about Not understanding why she's leaving me, Why she's giving me up, she know's i'm good for her, but she's doing a million things all at once that don't make sense to her, She feels bad about everything.

 

Now, I know it's one of those things, some people need to date other people to see if they truly want to be with the one they left and all that crap...... Personally, i don't believe in it , but whatever. So It sucks, but I mean, I guess she's got to do what she's got to do. But I just don't think, since I know that she's possibly going to start going out on dates, That she should get to hang out with me. Because she never mentioned anything like dating before, even though in the back of my mind I thought she might.

 

I just really need some space from her now. I can't see her anymore. It kills me to think about what she's doing out there,

but at the same time, She doesn;t know what the hell she wants and I really don't know who she is anymore.

 

How should I go about it? How do i tell her? Should I just come out and tell her, "I don't think we should hang out, because just as you need space, I need space now." I just can't be hanging out with her and doing this competition thing. Feeling like I have to be better than the guys she's dating if she starts dating regularly.

 

I don't know. I just need to get away I think.

[amerikajin]

The circumstances of the note seem a little suspicious. I find it hard to believe that a woman would be that stupid to just leave a note like that lying around (or let it fall out of her purse for that matter). I'm being a conspiracy theorist here, but I think she wanted you to see the note. Like I said, I think she's been dropping you hints all along; you've just been too nice to take them. She's a girl, and a young one at that, so she's probably really hung up on her emotions right now. As I told you a while ago, you need to stop thinking about her and start thinking about you. There you are, letting yourself get kicked in the nutsack again and again, just because a part of you feels like you owe her something. You don't owe her s***. You owe yourself peace of mind.

 

How should you go about it? Just do it, that's how. I don't mean you should lose control over yourself and throw a hissyfit. Always maintain your cool, but just be direct, and don't worry about how she takes it. Just tell her straight up: you guys are history, and the sooner you can both move on with your lives, the better. You'll miss her, you'll always love her, but it's time to move on.

 

That's how you do it.

[jmargel]

klinghoffer,

 

Read back a few posts, didn't I mention that? How are you going to feel when you find out she's going out with so & so, all the while you are still trying to play mr. nice guy?

 

Don't you see the tactic you are using isn't working? So if this isn't working the best thing to do is the opposite. Which is to tell her how you feel, and that you need to stop everything with her. There's not too much more help I can give you. I really feel for you so talk as much as you want on here.

 

If you want my suggestion what to do, tell her what I said before, but then tell her that maybe you should start seeing other women. See what her reaction is. Don't flaunt it, just mention it to her once. It'll get her thinking a little bit more. She's hangning onto you because you are a safety net. I can guanatee she's not thinking about you when she's with these other guys. Right now she has the best of both world and she's not going to change.

 

Its upto you.

[klinghoffer]

I'm sorry JMargel, I guess I saw your previous post, But I didn't think about it when I asked this recent question.

Yeah, I just feel like i'm being yanked around and I keep getting let down and I'm doing so much for her and she's

leaving me, Yet I'm inflicting all of this pain on myself. I'm my own worst enemy right now.

 

I just know that If i close the door, It's going to stay closed. Maybe that's why i'm hanging on to this whole thing,

even though I know it's not good for my health. You guys don't believe me, But I know for a FACT, that once I close that door

it will stay closed and I know I'll miss her, but I can get over it. I just don't want to, there's this stupid gut feeling

that she's going to turn around. I'm just dumb and making all the mistakes you guys are telling me not to.

 

Plus, i got her mom calling me at work apologizing for her daughter and telling me they are going to miss me and if

i ever need anything blah blah blah. When Am I going to realize that This girl just doesn't know what the F*ck she wants.

So why don't I just make it easier for her and Take myself out of the equation and move on?

 

Anyway, I'm just going to tell her i can't do this. The next time I talk to her, I'm going to tell her that I need to move on.

I'm not going to lie to her, I don't want to date anyone else right now and probably wont for a long time, So I can't

tell her I'm going to date cuz I don't know that for sure. I'm going to tell her how I feel and that I'm gone.

 

I wanted to be there for her and just try and be her friend and help her out, but if she's going to be dating and spending

every other night she's not with me with another guy, I can't play that game.

[jmargel]

Well then you NEED to do what you just mentioned. No backing out now. As for not going out with other females, don't tell her that. As long as she knows you are going to be a good little boy & wait for her until she's done messing with other men, she won't respect or truly know what she's missing.

 

By telling her you went out or are going out with someone (to me a little white lie here might benefit you) she's going to see that you are available and she knows another chick might snatch you up. Jealously makes alot of people do weird things. But even if she did want to come back, I wouldnt make it so easy.

 

Good luck to ya.

[klinghoffer]

I will I will. This is it, i mean it. It sucks but I'm almost in a weird euphoric state because I'm in that state of

mind of letting go now. You mentioned once that Sometimes some people have to hit rock bottom. I think I just did this morning.

 

Women!! God, i don't understand them. I hope her and her bestfriend have tons of parties and get tons of guys, because that's

what it seems like they want. Now they live together, Party Central. She'd rather date around and see what else is out there then have stability and honesty and comfort with a guy that loved her and respected her and was always there for her and treated her good and made her feel beautiful and always tried to do fun things for her.

 

Whatever.

 

The saddest part is that she's trying to date around now. She has no idea who she is and what she's going to do in her life or what she wants to do, But she's dating another guy. Good for her.