Another "Should I break NC"

[Kantor]

I've been strong, almost two weeks!

 

The interesting part about my story is that I am the dumper, who really turned into the dumpee as strange as that sounds.

 

I'm pretty confident I suffered from an underlying commitment issue that would only present it self at the word "Marriage."

 

Thus I broke up with her, and two weeks later after having time to grieve and cope I had the time to look at our history and analyze my mistakes that led to the situation we were in.

 

She actually initiated NC by ignoring my calls / texts, probably because I was an emotional wreck and came on too strong... D'oh!

 

I have since initiated my own NC (if I can do that when she is in NC?) to help myself heal and move on.

 

Since that time I have be able to take her down from the giant pedestal i built her up on and had time to work on correcting my commitment issues and figure out what I really want in life.

 

We dated for four years, and lived together for one and a half years. Like any relationship we had our ups and downs but only breakups were when the word marriage came up.

 

So I ask to you wise LS community - What shall I do now that we should have both had time to calm down?

 

A: Text her a simple greeting and see if there is a response?

B: Ask her if she wants to grab a coffee?

C: Wait till after Christmas and text then so there is more of a conversation?

D: Keep on NC and find someone else.

E: Insert your own option.

 

On a side note I am willing to accept that no matter what I do I won't get a response. I broke this girls heart a couple times before and I know she has built up some giant walls to protect her from me doing it again.

 

Thus if I get no response I know it is really time to move on and not look back. Or if I do get a response I can work from there.

 

I won't lie to myself or LS - I still would like her back, but on the same note I know how hard it would be and it would take a lot of work on both sides.

 

Everyone says a friendship wont work until both parties have the same feelings for each other. So for a true friendship it is too early, but at this point I really miss the companionship and comfort level you have after being with someone for four years.

 

I can't say in her situation I would take me back, even though I've recongized the problem, taking steps to fix it, and overall am a better person for that.

 

Although I've tried to tell her this, but it was probably too little too late at the current time.

 

Hmm, what to do!?

[ajj]

Less than two weeks of NC is not enough time to have any real healing. You said so yourself a true friendship just isn't possible at this time because both parties don't have the same feelings for each other.

 

Put yourself in her shoes: Each time you said a word that triggered her to break-up with you year in and year out at what point would you think to yourself "I've had enough. I need to move on. I'm not getting what I need out of this relationship and it is time to put my energies elsewhere?"

 

You may have gained some insight in less than two weeks of NC initiated by her (you didn't initiate it- you only silently agreed to honor it) but that is not enough time to make any real changes.

 

Right now you're grieving, you're sad, you're lonely, it's the holidays. All of this is very understandable. However, contacting her isn't going to change any of this. From what you have described, both of you would be injured by breaking NC at this point. You love her right? Do you love her enough to honor what she has stated she wishes (NC)?

[sheithappens]

you shouldnt initiate contact, she already knows how you feel, let her contact you , i was in your same shoes 3 months ago, i did try to contact her but was ignored, then i stopped, she eventually contacted me, she did jump into a rebound but thats another story, she will miss you if she did love you , hang in there buddy

[Kantor]

LS your wisdom is always much appreciated.

[Kantor]

Oh being broken hearted is such a hard thing, you don't listen when you should.

 

I broke down and text her, just asked if she wanted to grab a coffee.

 

Probably won't get a response, but I felt I needed to do it, silly me.

 

But at least I know if she doesn't respond I get the reinforcement I need to continue to move on, even if it is a little step backwards.

[Kantor]

Oh being broken hearted is such a hard thing, you don't listen when you should.

 

I broke down and text her, just asked if she wanted to grab a coffee.

 

Probably won't get a response, but I felt I needed to do it, silly me.

 

But at least I know if she doesn't respond I get the reinforcement I need to continue to move on, even if it is a little step backwards.

 

Well I guess I got my answer, no response, as expected I guess.

This ignoring this is hard for me to deal with, but I guess I will have to.

 

As its been said many times before I was the dumper and have tried almost everything in the book, other than just showing up at her place and trying to talk to her, although im not really the stalker type so Im going to throw that one out.

 

She was the type of person when ever we had an argument she would want to talk it out and not go to bed until we were happy type. So for her to just flat out ignore is a complete change of character.

 

But I guess the pain has been inflicted and she just isn't going to have anymore of it and has decided I don't even deserve a response to anything I say to her.

 

You'll all say go back into NC, but its time to move past NC. NC gives me hope that if I wait long enough she will contact me. At least point I dont even think that is going to happen.

 

I need acceptance, but that will take time and no misbehavior (texts / calls) on my part.

 

Bah! I have a sinus infection and a broken heart. Bad combination, plus my year end eval tomorrow at work.

 

Suck suck suck!

 

/vent over.

[westrock]

I'm pretty confident I suffered from an underlying commitment issue that would only present it self at the word "Marriage."

 

What is it about the word "Marriage" that causes you so much anxiety?

 

What does marriage mean to you?

 

even though I've recongized the problem, taking steps to fix it, and overall am a better person for that.

 

What steps are you taking to fix it?

[kickintheaz]

well Kantor, as you said over my thread, 'we're in this together' (and thank you!) and that we are my friend. I guess you are where i was like 2 days ago!!..

 

The difference between my ex and yours seems to be mine was open to any and all communications I made.. I believe now that it was twofold, she doesn't want to let go of the connection we had in some way and also I believe she is such a kind hearted person (and I'm waiting for LS to blow up at me here!) that she was, in some way, helping to perhaps assuage her guilt by feeling that she was helping me through it.

 

You seem to be reaching the point that you know she is not going to return your calls, you also seem to be viewing NC like me, that if we concentrate too hard on being NC and consciously not trying to contact her then we are 'leaving the door open'. I agree with you, I am NOT consciously concentrating on being NC, I want to get to a point where I am unconsciously being NC...

 

Kantor, if they truly love us, if they truly want to be with us and to share their lives with us, THEY have to make that CHOICE for themselves. Right now they are protecting numero uno.. themselves. They have both been hurt before by us and they cannot face that pain again. We on the other hand are probably now experiencing the crushing agony of rejection that we gave them a dose of....

 

We cannot force them to do anything. At this point in time they are choosing not to be with us, to talk to us, they respect our space as we should theirs. That my friend is where the hope should die for you. as previously stated, she knows how you feel.. if she loves you she will contact you, she may be just giving you space and time and herself too.. she needs to examine what she wants in life.

 

You have tried and you have not got a visible result.. but she has not forgotten you, believe me after 4 years and if this was it, she will still remember you. Thats a huge number imo. I know ex won't forget me overnight (though I convinced myself she would, hence my neediness recently!).

 

If they love us Kantor, they will return.... in their time. How long wil that be?? hmmm.. 'experts' say 30 days.. I say pffft!.. the answer is 'how long is a piece of string'.....

 

Get busy Kantor, believe me I didn't know how to either, I didn't want to annoy my married friends, my single friends who don't want to be around misery guts (as I thought), but hey they are MY friends.. and ya know what 1 hour later, over the next 14 nights I now have 10 nights out.. (which isn't bad.. if only the dam pubs/clubs opened here on xmas day!!!)

 

Work eval will go great for you (Next CEO they will put), sinus infection.. well snub your nose at that..

 

as for your broken heart... it will mend.. I have to believe that cos mines been in the service yard for about 8 months now

 

ya'll get there Kantor.. I know ya will... I've got here and yeah its still hard, but ya know what its gettin easier, hour by hour, day by day....

 

Tomorrow sees my last day of work for 2 weeks, my first night on the tiles, I am gonna be sooo busy dealing with hangovers and ATMs that laugh at me when I ask them for money that I ain't gonna have time to think about ex... It'll be like being a 21 year old man wandering the pubs of ireland again, except I'm 32 and will be wandering the pubs of ireland again.. hmmmm.. "consistency in a world gone mad" as our famous drink says!

 

so you think you've got problems? you know what Guinness does to your insides? try a pint and see, then multiply that by 10 or 12 pints by 10 nights.. Johnny Cash wrote a song called 'ring of fire'.. that was actually about Irish Guinness Drinkers... you've not got problems my friend!

[Kantor]

Ha - Oh well, we can both move on together and be thankful for what we had, and what we learned from it.

 

Whether she tries to come back to me in a day, month, or a year I'll have to remember how I was treated.

 

There's a million guys out there, but not a million like me.

[kickintheaz]

Ha - Oh well, we can both move on together and be thankful for what we had, and what we learned from it.

 

Whether she tries to come back to me in a day, month, or a year I'll have to remember how I was treated.

 

There's a million guys out there, but not a million like me.

 

well I need to RELEARN Lessons Kantor.. Why the fk would I text her today to wish her an enoyable time and safe trip to the wedding tomorrow that I COULD, nay SHOULD have been going to.... I hope its crap!

 

and what makes it worse, WHY DID SHE REPLY!!!.. (I haven't replied to that as it just arrived on the phone and won't now, Dammit dammit dammit)

 

Seriously, is there some kind of stamp one can get to put DO NOT CONTACT HER FOOL on the inside of your eyelids??

 

I LOVE your last quote.. you are right, we are unique and good guys and our ex womenfolk cannot see that anymore..

 

Well I am gonna go get my glad rags ready now and hit the town tonight... 30+ teachers in one bar from 5pm when I arrive 2 hrs later they'll be well liquored up!!!... the phone and ALL thoughts of my ex (who also did not respect me by stringing me along) are being left at home...

 

*walks away muttering "dammit dammit dammit" to himself"

[Kantor]

well I need to RELEARN Lessons Kantor.. Why the fk would I text her today to wish her an enoyable time and safe trip to the wedding tomorrow that I COULD, nay SHOULD have been going to.... I hope its crap!

 

and what makes it worse, WHY DID SHE REPLY!!!.. (I haven't replied to that as it just arrived on the phone and won't now, Dammit dammit dammit)

 

Seriously, is there some kind of stamp one can get to put DO NOT CONTACT HER FOOL on the inside of your eyelids??

 

I LOVE your last quote.. you are right, we are unique and good guys and our ex womenfolk cannot see that anymore..

 

Well I am gonna go get my glad rags ready now and hit the town tonight... 30+ teachers in one bar from 5pm when I arrive 2 hrs later they'll be well liquored up!!!... the phone and ALL thoughts of my ex (who also did not respect me by stringing me along) are being left at home...

 

*walks away muttering "dammit dammit dammit" to himself"

 

We've both let our hearts control our actions and not our minds. In many cases, this would be acceptable. However, not in ours, not anymore.

 

I hear you, I was pretty upset at myself for texting her, but at least I got my answer by her not responding.

 

Fine I'm not good enough for you anymore, then you're not good enough for me to pursue.

 

Who can't pick up their phone and say, no thanks I don't think Id like to have a coffee right now?

 

She's got some bad influences in her life, and when she wises up, I'm not going to be in the same position I have been and so willing to try to work things out.

 

Be strong friend we will get through this, hope you enjoy your time at the pubs this weekend.

 

I'll be doing the same tonight after my day of work!

Edited December 18, 2009 by Kantor
Spelling

[kickintheaz]

We've both let our hearts control our actions and not our minds. In many cases, this would be acceptable. However, not in ours, not anymore.

 

I hear you, I was pretty upset at myself for texting her, but at least I got my answer by her not responding.

 

Fine I'm not good enough for you anymore, then you're not good enough for me to pursue.

 

Who can't pick up their phone and say, no thanks I don't think Id like to have a coffee right now?

 

She's got some bad influences in her life, and when she wises up, I'm not going to be in the same position I have been and so willing to try to work things out.

 

Be strong friend we will get through this, hope you enjoy your time at the pubs this weekend.

 

I'll be doing the same tonight after my day of work!

 

well said Kantor, again!!!.. thank God we can come here..

 

those who can't agree to a coffee after so long have either developed a serious phobia of talking and/or coffee or are just plain mean..

 

you are right, I am not good enough to be your boyfriend, you are certainly not good enough to be my friend/aquaintance/penpal/person I cross the street to say 'hello' to..

 

the strength is IN me, as it is with you.. I am gonna be my old self tonight, these people don't know me or the mess I've been in, so lets show em what good auld Kick is like eh?!!!

 

and you should too Kantor...

 

bottoms up!!

[Kantor]

bottoms up!!

 

You have yourself a deal there, i'll have an ale for you tonight friend.

[Island Girl]

Everyone says a friendship wont work until both parties have the same feelings for each other. So for a true friendship it is too early, but at this point I really miss the companionship and comfort level you have after being with someone for four years.

 

You will contacting to get her back not be a friend.

 

You do not want a friendship with her and could not handle that at this point. I can tell from your post it is WAY too fresh.

 

Of course you miss the companionship and comfort level! You were together a long time. That is completely understandable. Which is why you feel driven to contact her.

 

You think you got your head on straight in a couple of weeks? You are in a break up. The break up happens and then the aftermath.

THIS is still the aftermath.

It comes and goes in waves sometimes tiny and sometimes tsunami. And during all of it you are supposed to be in NC.

You are supposed to be in NC because these waves can affect you and what you say and do if you are in contact with her.

 

So since you are still in the aftermath and therefore not thinking clearly - you should not contact. Stay strong. Do it for the relationship and most of all yourself.

[Kantor]

You will contacting to get her back not be a friend.

 

You do not want a friendship with her and could not handle that at this point. I can tell from your post it is WAY too fresh.

 

Of course you miss the companionship and comfort level! You were together a long time. That is completely understandable. Which is why you feel driven to contact her.

 

You think you got your head on straight in a couple of weeks? You are in a break up. The break up happens and then the aftermath.

THIS is still the aftermath.

It comes and goes in waves sometimes tiny and sometimes tsunami. And during all of it you are supposed to be in NC.

You are supposed to be in NC because these waves can affect you and what you say and do if you are in contact with her.

 

So since you are still in the aftermath and therefore not thinking clearly - you should not contact. Stay strong. Do it for the relationship and most of all yourself.

 

I thank you for your advise, and truly appreciate it.

 

Perhaps I'm tainted now. I understand what I did to her put us in this position. However, by her not even willing to communicate after four years of a relationship I have decided that even though I still love her and care for her, she is not worth the time or effort if I am going to get back zero. A relationship is about both parties working together. If I am working alone it is a lose lose situation for me.

 

I am taking a stand, I am done with it, I am over it.

 

No longer will I take her back or pursue her. I am not going NC, and the reason I am not going NC is because NC leaves you with hope. I am not going to communicate with her because simply at this point if she doesn't want to even talk to me, then I don't want to talk to her.

 

She's tried to hook up with other guys during this time and got shot down, I found that humorous. I'm moving on, there is going to be a time when she realizes that I was an amazing guy, even though I made mistakes and beg for me back. Her chance has come and gone.

 

I will learn from my mistakes, take my lessons to my next relationship and be a better person because of it.

 

Good bye my past, hello my future, I'm excited to see what it holds for me.

[westrock]

Kantor,

 

You have to look at things from her perspective. It seems your ex wanted marriage but as you wrote in your initial post just the word "marriage" itself would trigger your underlying commitment issue. Then you break up with her.

 

Now that she went NC on you, you're claiming you are the dumpee and it sounds like you are blaming her for what's happened because she didn't respond to your text to grab a coffee. Why should she talk with you? Has anything changed on your part about the word "marriage"?

 

Do you see your part in causing all of this? Some people don't want marriage, and maybe that is you, but it seems after dating for four years and living together for one and a half years your ex wanted marriage as the next step. If you haven't changed your view on marriage, then what purpose would it serve for her to even grab a coffee with you? Unless you are prepared to face your issues about marriage head on, then she would be wasting her time talking with you any more.

 

Do you really want her back? If so then you need to stop avoiding the big issue -- your committment issue about "marriage". The only text from you that she'll probably respond to is "I want to talk about marriage. Can we meet for coffee soon?" Anything less than that sends her the signal that you haven't changed one bit. Personally, if I were you, I would not even text her. Instead, I would pick up the phone and call her and talk with her and face this head on.

 

I noticed you didn't reply to my post above, so I will ask again:

 

What is it about the word "Marriage" that causes you so much anxiety?

 

What does marriage mean to you?

 

What steps are you taking to fix it?

 

I will learn from my mistakes, take my lessons to my next relationship and be a better person because of it.

 

Until you can face your committment issues, what have you really learned?

[Kantor]

Kantor,

 

You have to look at things from her perspective. It seems your ex wanted marriage but as you wrote in your initial post just the word "marriage" itself would trigger your underlying commitment issue. Then you break up with her.

 

Now that she went NC on you, you're claiming you are the dumpee and it sounds like you are blaming her for what's happened because she didn't respond to your text to grab a coffee. Why should she talk with you? Has anything changed on your part about the word "marriage"?

 

Do you see your part in causing all of this? Some people don't want marriage, and maybe that is you, but it seems after dating for four years and living together for one and a half years your ex wanted marriage as the next step. If you haven't changed your view on marriage, then what purpose would it serve for her to even grab a coffee with you? Unless you are prepared to face your issues about marriage head on, then she would be wasting her time talking with you any more.

 

Do you really want her back? If so then you need to stop avoiding the big issue -- your committment issue about "marriage". The only text from you that she'll probably respond to is "I want to talk about marriage. Can we meet for coffee soon?" Anything less than that sends her the signal that you haven't changed one bit. Personally, if I were you, I would not even text her. Instead, I would pick up the phone and call her and talk with her and face this head on.

 

I noticed you didn't reply to my post above, so I will ask again:

 

What is it about the word "Marriage" that causes you so much anxiety?

 

What does marriage mean to you?

 

What steps are you taking to fix it?

 

 

 

Until you can face your committment issues, what have you really learned?

 

You're advice is solid and there are a couple posts out there were I began to look at the reasons why I had the problems I did.

 

I'll give you a quick summary and we'll work for there. I appreciate your thoughts as well and I completely understand that I have put myself in this position no doubt in my mind there.

 

What is it about the word "Marriage" that causes you so much anxiety?

I was, and am, young and had a lot of misconceptions about what Marriage was. I wasn't ready to say I was ready to settle down. I felt we were both too young.

She wasn't looking for a ring today, tomorrow, or probably even a year from now she just wanted to know, someday I WOULD in fact marry her.

 

I knew I loved the girl, knew I wanted to be with her, but just wasn't ready to commit to settling down and growing up yet were both in our twenties, I am a handful of years older then her.

 

I guess I had the misconception that I would know when I was ready to get married and I didn't know it yet so I wasn't ready to make that commitment and everytime it would come up I felt she would pressure me for an answer. I knew I didn't want to say no, but I couldn't say yes either. (Hello commitment problem!)

 

My parents went through a very rough marriage and I took some bag stigma from that also.

What does marriage mean to you?

What does it mean to me now? Well marriage is just a title I think we need to look at what does commitment mean to me now.

 

Simply I've learned through here, books, and talking with some very smart people that commitment is really about a couple basic things.

 

It should be ..."Well intended, monogamous, open ended, responsible, and realistic..."

 

I had all this, but was too caught up in losing my freedom to realize it all.

 

What steps are you taking to fix it?

 

I think the first step is healing, which I am working on.

The next major step is realizing what I have been doing wrong all along. Figuring out I do have a problem and committing to actually wanting to do something about it.

 

This is a major issue that will stem into other relationships if I don't fix it. So whether I fix it for her or I fix it for me and the next women who enters my life I will fix it.

 

So im committed to fixing the problem, committed to learning from my mistakes and committed to being a better person.

 

Sorry I am typing fast, feel free to ask for expansion on any topic I am trying to get ready for work and express my thoughts at the same time haha.

 

More to follow.

[westrock]

Kantor,

 

Your answers to my questions are very clear and reasonable. Did you ever explain what you wrote above to your ex as you have written or were you two broken up by the time you realised all this? If you're still interested in her, maybe try to contact her again and explain things to her as you've written here.

 

Remember that even though your parents may have had a rough marriage, it doesn't mean your marraige will go that way, as long as you learned to avoid doing what they did wrong.

 

It seems like you have made a lot of progress in recognizing your issues which is positive. I'm hoping the best for you whether with your ex or the next relationship.

[Kantor]

Kantor,

Your answers to my questions are very clear and reasonable. Did you ever explain what you wrote above to your ex as you have written or were you two broken up by the time you realised all this? If you're still interested in her, maybe try to contact her again and explain things to her as you've written here.

 

I didn't realize it until after we had broken up for the, lets call it fourth time.

The reason I didn't realize it is because I was/am young and inexperienced in love and relationships.

 

I am still interested in her, its no longer just the "shes not with me so I want her more." Its been two months, and I still would like to work things out.

 

However, she won't respond to my texts, I sent one last week just simply along the lines of something like, "Hey, how about that coffee sometime?"

 

No response. I'm sure i'll try again perhaps after the holidays. She just seems like a different person then she used to be. Hanging out with a different crowd, lots of drinking etc..etc.. her way of coping I guess.

 

Remember that even though your parents may have had a rough marriage, it doesn't mean your marraige will go that way, as long as you learned to avoid doing what they did wrong.

 

Yes this is key, I am not my parents (well my father) and I will not allow myself to treat a woman the way he did. Its a curse and a blessing. I had to witness the horrible relationship, but on the same time I know what mistakes not to make.

 

It seems like you have made a lot of progress in recognizing your issues which is positive. I'm hoping the best for you whether with your ex or the next relationship.

 

Thank you, its been a long two months and I'm coming out on the other side. Like you said, whether or not things work out with my ex... I'll be a better person because of it.

[Kantor]

 

^ ^ You should all be rolling your eyes at me at this point.

 

I couldn't do it, wasn't strong enough today. I woke up, and knew it was going to happen.

 

I text her again, its been a week since my last attempt at communication and roughly three weeks since shes said anything to me.

 

Why did I do it? Like i've said before, that hope doesn't just die... its a dying process.

 

I made a deal with myself before I sent the text though. I told myself what to expect. I knew full well she wasn't going to respond and I was completely prepared for that.

 

What I wasn't prepared for, because I never thought it would happen, was a response hours later...

 

It was a simple holiday greeting exchanged on both sides, nothing more.

 

At least I was just happy she responded, but told myself not to read into it.

 

She did respond, but then again its Christmas and she's always been a kind person. I feel had it been any other days the result of have been different.

 

Therefore, I am not allowing myself any additional hope. I simply said Thank you after she responded and nothing more.

 

Just wanted to add to my store, and share what I guess we'll call "progress." Even if its very slow and is mostly meaningless.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays LS!

[HeavenOrHell]

Well at least you only texted and didn't have a takeaway together like me and my ex Or lunch yesterday :rolleyes:

Yep, whatever you do DO NOT read into anything, like I do all the time or you will end up a total fruitcake like me :rolleyes:

Time we were rational I guess, if I can remember what the hell rationality is

Hope your Christmas has been ok, or even good!

 

 

 

^ ^ You should all be rolling your eyes at me at this point.

 

I couldn't do it, wasn't strong enough today. I woke up, and knew it was going to happen.

 

I text her again, its been a week since my last attempt at communication and roughly three weeks since shes said anything to me.

 

Why did I do it? Like i've said before, that hope doesn't just die... its a dying process.

 

I made a deal with myself before I sent the text though. I told myself what to expect. I knew full well she wasn't going to respond and I was completely prepared for that.

 

What I wasn't prepared for, because I never thought it would happen, was a response hours later...

 

It was a simple holiday greeting exchanged on both sides, nothing more.

 

At least I was just happy she responded, but told myself not to read into it.

 

She did respond, but then again its Christmas and she's always been a kind person. I feel had it been any other days the result of have been different.

 

Therefore, I am not allowing myself any additional hope. I simply said Thank you after she responded and nothing more.

 

Just wanted to add to my store, and share what I guess we'll call "progress." Even if its very slow and is mostly meaningless.

 

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays LS!

[Kantor]

Well at least you only texted and didn't have a takeaway together like me and my ex Or lunch yesterday :rolleyes:

Yep, whatever you do DO NOT read into anything, like I do all the time or you will end up a total fruitcake like me :rolleyes:

Time we were rational I guess, if I can remember what the hell rationality is

Hope your Christmas has been ok, or even good!

 

Haha - I don't think you're a fruit cake, at least not yet!

 

The worst part is now I have to think.. hmmm... what to do?

 

What I should do is continue to move on and live my life and see if someday she messages me.

 

However, since I was the dumper I feel like it is MY responsibility to try to work things out. Even though she has made it clear (to others not to me) that she doesn't want to get back together.

 

My feeling on this is that shes been hurt too many times before and won't allow herself the chance to be hurt again. - I understand this.

 

However, I guess I just want the opportunity to show her the growth that has been made and will be continue to be made so that she has all the facts.

 

Hmm, oh love, you are so complicated!

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't know your story...

How long ago did you leave her, and what were the circumstances?

I personally would only believe someone did not want me back if I heard it from the person themselves.

When did you last talk? Have you been NC a while?

I have a good friendship with my ex still, but I'm still in love with him I've sent him a letter and a long email over the last few months saying all I needed to say, after the latest email he said it made him sad for 2 days remembering how happy we used to be there's nothing more I can do now, I can't make him love me again, so I guess what will be will be. Maybe I hurt him too much.

Like you, I have been showing him the things I have changed, things I needed to change for me, not just for us.

Have you told her how you feel?

 

Haha - I don't think you're a fruit cake, at least not yet!

 

The worst part is now I have to think.. hmmm... what to do?

 

What I should do is continue to move on and live my life and see if someday she messages me.

 

However, since I was the dumper I feel like it is MY responsibility to try to work things out. Even though she has made it clear (to others not to me) that she doesn't want to get back together.

 

My feeling on this is that shes been hurt too many times before and won't allow herself the chance to be hurt again. - I understand this.

 

However, I guess I just want the opportunity to show her the growth that has been made and will be continue to be made so that she has all the facts.

 

Hmm, oh love, you are so complicated!

[Kantor]

I don't know your story...

How long ago did you leave her, and what were the circumstances?

I personally would only believe someone did not want me back if I heard it from the person themselves.

When did you last talk? Have you been NC a while?

I have a good friendship with my ex still, but I'm still in love with him I've sent him a letter and a long email over the last few months saying all I needed to say, after the latest email he said it made him sad for 2 days remembering how happy we used to be there's nothing more I can do now, I can't make him love me again, so I guess what will be will be. Maybe I hurt him too much.

Like you, I have been showing him the things I have changed, things I needed to change for me, not just for us.

Have you told her how you feel?

 

Lets see... it was a cold winters night about... just kidding - Ha.

 

We broke up around the first of November. I broke up with her, the short and sweet version is I was suffering from a mild case of commitmentphobia. You can see some of my rational in the above posts here.

 

This isn't the first time it happened, I believe we've had similar break ups (2-3 days) about four times through four years.

 

This time she decided enough was enough, and couldn't let her heart be broken again. (Can't blame her, shes protecting herself)

 

Did the typical dumpee move after about two weeks I begged and pleded for her back for a day. Went NC for two weeks, tried again, only communication I could have was through texts she wouldn't see me or answer my phone calls.

 

Initally she would text back but then about a month ago, maybe three weeks, she stopped responding all together. She said things to her friends about how she can't ever go back, she doesn't feel that way anymore. Which may be true... she's never said it to me.

 

Ideally what I want is a chance to sit down and talk to her. Its been almost two months now I think the feelings should have subsided enough where we can have a civil converstation and we can both tell how we feel.

 

If its the end, then at least we ended on a positve note with a civil, honest, open communcation session.

 

I did tried about a week before Christmas a simple, how about that coffee text. Got no response.

 

I fully expected no response yesterday, but I'm not thinking of it like she broke NC, because it was Christmas and she was a carring person. Hard to ignore someone you loved for so long on Christmas.

 

She didn't want the break up, and honestly neither did I, it just happened out of my fears.

 

Sigh! I was a silly boy, with hopes of making it right someday ...

[HeavenOrHell]

Well from where I'm standing it looks like there could be some hope, but maybe I'm wishful thinking for you (as well as for myself in my situation). I think you won't know for sure unless you can have that talk with her. BUT how will you show her things will be different this time?

How do YOU know for sure they will be different this time?

Why would you be committed to her now, not much time has passed...

I'm a great fan of relationship therapy, even if I was dumped after my ex went for it Any chance it would help you?

I know 99% say NC is the way to go, but like you said in another post; every case is different, this isn't black and white. Even if it doesn't work out for you at least you won't be left with the regret of not giving it your best shot, that is how I feel about my situation, I'm going about it the best way for me at the time, I might change the way I'm doing it tomorrow, who knows. I know I won't regret having tried.

 

Lets see... it was a cold winters night about... just kidding - Ha.

 

We broke up around the first of November. I broke up with her, the short and sweet version is I was suffering from a mild case of commitmentphobia. You can see some of my rational in the above posts here.

 

This isn't the first time it happened, I believe we've had similar break ups (2-3 days) about four times through four years.

 

This time she decided enough was enough, and couldn't let her heart be broken again. (Can't blame her, shes protecting herself)

 

Did the typical dumpee move after about two weeks I begged and pleded for her back for a day. Went NC for two weeks, tried again, only communication I could have was through texts she wouldn't see me or answer my phone calls.

 

Initally she would text back but then about a month ago, maybe three weeks, she stopped responding all together. She said things to her friends about how she can't ever go back, she doesn't feel that way anymore. Which may be true... she's never said it to me.

 

Ideally what I want is a chance to sit down and talk to her. Its been almost two months now I think the feelings should have subsided enough where we can have a civil converstation and we can both tell how we feel.

 

If its the end, then at least we ended on a positve note with a civil, honest, open communcation session.

 

I did tried about a week before Christmas a simple, how about that coffee text. Got no response.

 

I fully expected no response yesterday, but I'm not thinking of it like she broke NC, because it was Christmas and she was a carring person. Hard to ignore someone you loved for so long on Christmas.

 

She didn't want the break up, and honestly neither did I, it just happened out of my fears.

 

Sigh! I was a silly boy, with hopes of making it right someday ...