Another "Should I break NC"

[Kantor]

Well from where I'm standing it looks like there could be some hope, but maybe I'm wishful thinking for you (as well as for myself in my situation). I think you won't know for sure unless you can have that talk with her.

Ha - well thanks. I try not to give myself TOO much hope, as I know the situation is still bleak.

 

BUT how will you show her things will be different this time?

By telling her what I've learned and how much of life and love had my confused. Telling her about what I now know commitment is and how I can apply it to our relationship.

 

How do YOU know for sure they will be different this time?

Why would you be committed to her now, not much time has passed...

 

I can't say FOR SURE things will work out this time, but I can say I have and am making progress on the problems we were facing. I can take what I've learned here and use it to deal with other problems we may face.

 

I can't say for sure, but I can say I will give it my all and stop at nothing to make our love work again for eternity.

 

I'm a great fan of relationship therapy, even if I was dumped after my ex went for it Any chance it would help you?

 

Id love to, however, Id really like to do it with her... I'm not sure how I'd feel about doing it on my own.

 

I know I could better myself, but I still want to better US, myself included in there.

 

I know 99% say NC is the way to go, but like you said in another post; every case is different, this isn't black and white. Even if it doesn't work out for you at least you won't be left with the regret of not giving it your best shot, that is how I feel about my situation, I'm going about it the best way for me at the time, I might change the way I'm doing it tomorrow, who knows. I know I won't regret having tried.

 

Exactly - I can give it my all and nothing less.

 

She went back to ignoring my simple texts again today. I asked if we could talk later and followed up by explaining what I wanted to talk about a little. So far shes not having it.

 

I don't want to push too far, perhaps I'll try calling her tonight and if that doesn't work out I'll crawl back into my NC shell for a little while.

[Kantor]

More to add to the story...

 

So i tried communicating with her today... earlier sent a simple text a long the lines of, "can we walk later"

 

No response...

 

Followed by a text along the lines of addressing the problem and telling her a face to face talk could be good for both of us ....

 

No response...

 

I figured I had nothing to lose so I tried calling her ...

 

No answer ....

 

I didn't leave a message.

 

UGH!!

 

I guess I need to make this the closure I need. However, its so hard when you know your the one who messed up and your trying to make it right.

 

Im not going to contact her anymore for a while, although I feel I need to try at least once more.

 

After four years, I can't understand how you can ignore someone... our relationship ended over my issues and she tried to make it work yet now shes not having any of it.

 

I wish there was a magic pill to move on!

[kickintheaz]

More to add to the story...

 

So i tried communicating with her today... earlier sent a simple text a long the lines of, "can we walk later"

 

No response...

 

Followed by a text along the lines of addressing the problem and telling her a face to face talk could be good for both of us ....

 

No response...

 

I figured I had nothing to lose so I tried calling her ...

 

No answer ....

 

I didn't leave a message.

 

UGH!!

 

I guess I need to make this the closure I need. However, its so hard when you know your the one who messed up and your trying to make it right.

 

Im not going to contact her anymore for a while, although I feel I need to try at least once more.

 

After four years, I can't understand how you can ignore someone... our relationship ended over my issues and she tried to make it work yet now shes not having any of it.

 

I wish there was a magic pill to move on!

 

buddy... *shaking head*.. I feel for you I really do... I think you're gone back to that stage of trying the same things over and over and getting the same results.... but that didn't work the last 78 times did it??!

 

what I would read into all this.. and ya know me, I am SUCH a pro at this!! :lmao:

 

brace yourself for some kick inspired love...

she's not responding for whatever her reasons are.. but her non response is an indication she doesn't want to talk.. now.. she wants and probably needs some space, its possible every txt landing on her phone, every missed call, MAY be driving her further away, or may be making her think (I'd go with the latter as ye are 4 years together)... but whatever is in her mind, she's making it clear, she don't wanna communicate now..

 

so, give her her space, give her her time, stop being the 'security blanket' by allowing her see that you still 'need' her.... STOP STOP STOP.... I know I know, I should take my own advice sometimes, BUT this is it, this week, my ex is hearing nothing from me!.. I just posted over on 'coping' there.. things are looking up for me.. and i will NOT let that be ruined by engaging in meaningless chit chat with ex.

 

ya gotta let her see what life is like without Kantor trying to reach her.....

 

its a long slow road, but if she returns she will ONLY return under her own steam power, there is nothing more you can say or do now to make her come back.. I know ya wanna talk about these things with her, but unless she rolls up of her own accord and says 'ok, lets talk'.. then there is nothing you can do to make her come back, but there are TONNES of things you can do to push her further away...

 

come on bro, 5 days left of this crappy year, get moving, get your friends on board to do stuff this week and end it with a smile on your face... I know ya can do it.. we can both do it and we will, but we need to put as much energy and thought into us as we have into thinking about ex...

 

get those fingers texting EVERYONE but your ex....

 

am right beside you my friend, and right now I am doing what my name says....

 

now stand up, look yourself in the eye and tell yourself how great you are, that its HER loss, that you are de MAN... think good things bout you and start feeling it and living it... come on, we do not want to be here in 6 days giving out about how we crumbled day 1 of a new decade and contacted ex... we wanna start the year our way.. with us and with people who actually SHOW they care about us....

[HeavenOrHell]

Excellent post Kick!

Don't push her further away Kantor.

I am wondering though if you ever wrote or emailed her about all this?

I wrote a letter a few weeks after my ex left, and a long email last week to my ex saying all I needed to say, but with no pressure, it wasn't a begging or pleading letter, I've never done that and I won't, it helped me to send them and he appreciated it too. I just wanted to apologise for my part in what happened to us and to make it clear what he meant to me. I can say no more now.

It may or may not help your situation, I don't know. It may not bring her back but at least you will have said all you need to say.

Sometimes it can help to say it all and then back off.

[Kantor]

Well I should have looked before I went to work as what you've both said is helpful.

 

I woke up in an odd mood, what did I do?

You guesses it! I text her again...

 

Now before you yell at me more let me explain my logic.

 

She's never been the kind of person to ignore ones problems always a talker.

 

So in essence I called her out, asked why she ignores me.

 

To my surprise I got a lengthy response about thinking about me brings back memories of the things I did to her.. Makes her mad to think she was stupid enough to stay with me and that I needed to learn to communicate a grow.

 

Spent a little time seeing if shed talk about all this in person.

 

She was hesitant so I just asked if we could atleast open up our lines of communication more. She said yah maybe.

 

So an interesting day to say the least.

 

There's a bunch more but on my phone it's hard to type when your fingers are numb

[DenverBachelor]

During your previous breakups with her and during heated arguments, did you use the relationship itself as a poker chip and threaten her with these mini-breakups? Who did the breaking up?

 

In the meantime, stop contacting her. Seriously -- you need to put your phone down and just stop. She already knows how you feel, but there's a lot of damage scattered about. She needs space to heal and move on and so do you. I'd focus on your insecurities towards marriage and on the issues you had with her while dating and learn from them so you don't repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.

 

Move on with dignity!

[kickintheaz]

Well I should have looked before I went to work as what you've both said is helpful.

 

I woke up in an odd mood, what did I do?

You guesses it! I text her again...

 

Now before you yell at me more let me explain my logic.

 

She's never been the kind of person to ignore ones problems always a talker.

 

So in essence I called her out, asked why she ignores me.

 

To my surprise I got a lengthy response about thinking about me brings back memories of the things I did to her.. Makes her mad to think she was stupid enough to stay with me and that I needed to learn to communicate a grow.

 

Spent a little time seeing if shed talk about all this in person.

 

She was hesitant so I just asked if we could atleast open up our lines of communication more. She said yah maybe.

 

So an interesting day to say the least.

 

There's a bunch more but on my phone it's hard to type when your fingers are numb

 

well, thats a turn up.. NOW Kantor.. see the bolded bit above???? Do nothing, right?!.. if SHE wants to reopen up lines of comms, then let her.. I may be out of left field here if there is more than this said (and would be interested to hear what the rest is!).. but from this post alone I would say you've done as much as you can do, annoying her now to start talking asap may be detrimental.

 

She knows ya wanna talk, but at the moment she hurts every time she sees your name on her phone... she needs to reconcile herself to those feelings and put them behind her, or not.. her choice.. don't pile more hurt onto the misery by going at it hell for leather.. ease off on the gas and take a step back...

 

DenverB is right, stop contacting her, she will come to you when she is ready and you do not want to end up forcing her to talk before then cos the emotions will be high, the bad things ya did will be at the forefront of her mind and things could only get worse...

 

seriously, IF there is a chance here, you gotta be steve silvermint (i.e. COOL) about it all, ya gotta show some maturity, as DB says, have some dignity, get your self respect back, the realisations ya had bout marriage etc are important now, think about them seriously for you, not for you and her, just you... pick yourself up now, tis been a troubling few weeks for ya, so ya gotta let go of that dude and regain who ya are..

 

It may take some time for her to come back and start talking, so be it... Don't keep at her....

 

keep your head above water and things will start to look clearer.. focus on you now, do not live each day making future plans or being really happy that you are getting back together.. this is the start of a shaky road now for you and you do not wanna fall down.. those NC suggetions in the guides are probably best read again now!.. you gotta be calm, cool and collected IF she comes back to talk.. and yes I keep saying 'if' cos its down to her now.. not you.. (thats my reality check in there for ya!)

[Kantor]

I understand both your viewpoints and taking you for helping me 'ease off the gas'

 

However, because I was the dumper and I have so much to prove in ways of change shouldn't it be me trying to show her?

 

I agree I won't want to push too far but on the same hang I have to push far enough...

[kickintheaz]

I understand both your viewpoints and taking you for helping me 'ease off the gas'

 

However, because I was the dumper and I have so much to prove in ways of change shouldn't it be me trying to show her?

 

I agree I won't want to push too far but on the same hang I have to push far enough...

 

 

well I'm the exact same as you Kantor.. the dumper (turned dumpee!!).. so I kinda know why ya thinking that... but look, you've initiated the contact loads of times, she finally responds with the fact your texts are making her remember the hurt and now she says she 'may' want to reopen comms.. what else can ya do now? imo.. nothing,

 

i would argue that anything you do now may have detrimental effects.. she knows ya wanna talk, but maybe she can't yet?? maybe she has to 'miss you' properly now? remember that security blanket thing.. if you keep up the 'pls lets talk' routine she may never come round to it..

 

she needs space now.. space to see what she wants.. after 4 years theres a huge connection there that she needs to analyze and make sure that if the only thing that had been standing in the way was your commitment issues and IF they are properly resolved then is she happy to reenter..

 

I wouldn't be viewing this as 'I was the dumper and now I have to chase her'... this is a little more serious in many ways.. its a decision for her that will or could lead to 'the rest of her life'.. you do not want to fck that up because ya think she will forget ya if ya don't keep texting, she won't.. she has agreed that comms are a maybe... thats a big step fwd from even a week ago when she wouldn't return calls/txts...

 

as to your comment on 'so much to prove in ways of change'.. well, unfortunately she is NOT going to see the change in ya by a few txts.. remember when we talked before about 'actions not words'.. well, the only way that will work is when ye sit down to talk about things, and that could take a while, and then actually meet her at the top of an aisle...

[Kantor]

During your previous breakups with her and during heated arguments, did you use the relationship itself as a poker chip and threaten her with these mini-breakups? Who did the breaking up?

 

No, I didn't even use our relationship as a poker chip. Our only breakups with the exception of one drunken night and some mean things said revolved around commitment and a lack of communication around the subject.

 

I was the one doing the breaking up, every time.

 

In the meantime, stop contacting her. Seriously -- you need to put your phone down and just stop. She already knows how you feel, but there's a lot of damage scattered about. She needs space to heal and move on and so do you. I'd focus on your insecurities towards marriage and on the issues you had with her while dating and learn from them so you don't repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.

 

You're 100% right, I really wish I didn't have her number memorized as I already deleted it from my phone.

 

Move on with dignity!

 

I'm doing my best, she was my "first" real love, so its hard.

[Kantor]

well I'm the exact same as you Kantor.. the dumper (turned dumpee!!).. so I kinda know why ya thinking that... but look, you've initiated the contact loads of times, she finally responds with the fact your texts are making her remember the hurt and now she says she 'may' want to reopen comms.. what else can ya do now? imo.. nothing,

 

i would argue that anything you do now may have detrimental effects.. she knows ya wanna talk, but maybe she can't yet?? maybe she has to 'miss you' properly now? remember that security blanket thing.. if you keep up the 'pls lets talk' routine she may never come round to it..

 

Yes I think you're right here...

 

she needs space now.. space to see what she wants.. after 4 years theres a huge connection there that she needs to analyze and make sure that if the only thing that had been standing in the way was your commitment issues and IF they are properly resolved then is she happy to reenter..

 

I wouldn't be viewing this as 'I was the dumper and now I have to chase her'... this is a little more serious in many ways.. its a decision for her that will or could lead to 'the rest of her life'.. you do not want to fck that up because ya think she will forget ya if ya don't keep texting, she won't.. she has agreed that comms are a maybe... thats a big step fwd from even a week ago when she wouldn't return calls/txts...

 

This is true, its progress... However... I must confess. I got a text earlier from one of her friends saying they were going to coffee. She later text me again saying ... "we need to talk when are you off work" I asked, "good or bad" she said "meh... you just need to hear it"

 

So, while we haven't talked yet, Im preparing my hammer as I'm pretty sure shes going to drive in the final nail of my coffin here...

 

as to your comment on 'so much to prove in ways of change'.. well, unfortunately she is NOT going to see the change in ya by a few txts.. remember when we talked before about 'actions not words'.. well, the only way that will work is when ye sit down to talk about things, and that could take a while, and then actually meet her at the top of an aisle...

 

I just hope I get that opportunity... although right now I have a long way to go to get there. (just the talking part that is!)

[knime32]

I'm glad that you've come to the conclusions that you have, but I feel that they may be a little off base. Being a female from a similar situation, we guard our heart and look out for it. I probably would have made an effort to contact you had you been contacting me, even if it was to say I just need time. I'm sure that her attmepts to meet new people were only shallow if the reasons you guys always broke up were over fear of committment. She probably still loves you and cares about you and is completely conflicted on what to do or what to believe, especially if this isn't the first time in this rodeo. Move on with your life and if she comes back and is willing to work on things, don't be mean or hateful. She's just trying to make sense of the situation and decide what's right for her heart.

 

I am a little curious though why you freaked everytime the topic of marriage came up. My ex and I had been together for 6 yeears and have graduated from college and in careers, marriage was the next logical step and he all of a sudden disappeared and is in a new relationship. Is the fear of marraige to someone you care about that horrible to make you freak out and leave them?

[singlegirl]

 

Whether she tries to come back to me in a day, month, or a year I'll have to remember how I was treated.

 

There's a million guys out there, but not a million like me.

 

I think you are a commitment phobe who wants what he can't have just because he can't have it...How can you say you love her and want her if you will remember how she treated you when you dumped her?

[Kantor]

I think you are a commitment phobe who wants what he can't have just because he can't have it...How can you say you love her and want her if you will remember how she treated you when you dumped her?

 

You're right, and that statement doesn't reflect how I feel now, only how I felt there. I was angry and coping with my loss.

 

I tried to 'move on' by saying that. However, if you've read anything of my more recent things that was just a passing moment of anger in a sea of agony.

 

There's no question that I feel I have a commitment phobe in me. However, to me there is also no question that through here, reading about it, and learning from my past mistakes I can over come it and be the man she deserves.

 

Thanks for the reality check, I sometimes need that.

[Kantor]

I'm glad that you've come to the conclusions that you have, but I feel that they may be a little off base. Being a female from a similar situation, we guard our heart and look out for it. I probably would have made an effort to contact you had you been contacting me, even if it was to say I just need time. I'm sure that her attempts to meet new people were only shallow if the reasons you guys always broke up were over fear of commitment. She probably still loves you and cares about you and is completely conflicted on what to do or what to believe, especially if this isn't the first time in this rodeo. Move on with your life and if she comes back and is willing to work on things, don't be mean or hateful. She's just trying to make sense of the situation and decide what's right for her heart.

 

I'm pretty sure that’s exactly where she stands. Through her friend she said that she does still care but doesn't want to see me because she feels it would make her sad and make her feelings for me return.

 

 

I am a little curious though why you freaked every time the topic of marriage came up. My ex and I had been together for 6 years and have graduated from college and in careers, marriage was the next logical step and he all of a sudden disappeared and is in a new relationship.

 

I can’t speak for every man, or every commitmentphobe out there. I've done a lot of reading on commitmentphobes and I don't really fit into any one category. However, I do share some similarities. I don't call myself a commitmentphobe anymore, but I do know that I share some of the traits.

 

My problems really lied in my misconceptions of what marriage is. I had a lot of fantasies about this and that. I've come to find out that these are only in Hollywood and a real relationship takes work to make it WORK. I had the perfect girl and an excellent relationship but because I was living in this fantasy world I let my fears take control.

 

Is the fear of marriage to someone you care about that horrible to make you freak out and leave them?

 

For me it was, that word would bring a lot with it. Most men hate to make a mistake. That’s not to say I felt marriage to my ex as a mistake, I just didn’t have the experiences needed to make that decision and I thought if we kept dating I would get there and my answer would present itself.

 

I knew I loved this girl and I knew I enjoyed being with her and wanted to stay with her. However, when push came to shove and she needed that answer I couldn't give it to her.

 

Thus we split pretty quickly.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thus, at this point I don't know what else I can do. As many of you said anything else I do now, or in the near future will only push her away further.

 

The more time that passes the more knowledge I gain and the better person I will be because of my experiences.

 

I've learned so much about romantic relationships in my reflections and a whole lot about relationships in general that will help me in life.

 

Like I've said before I know this is a long journey, yet a lot of time has already passed. I've made many mistakes down this road but I'm working towards the light at the end of the tunnel. That light may be my personal growth or it may be the girl who I know I would like to be my bride.

 

I can say that now because over two months (yes still a short period) my love has not dwindled but grown. My personal growth has expanded exponentially and I am a much better prepared for any future relationships I will encounter whether they be interpersonal or romantic.

 

Not only do I have the tools necessary to make changes in my life. These include some excellent personal references, thanks mom!, some excellent literature, and a lot of time for personal reflection. The biggest thing I know throughout this process is my logic was flawed, and I am committed to fixing it to become the man I know I am capable of being.

[HeavenOrHell]

Just wanted to say that men guard their heart too, well my ex does anyway.

 

 

I'm glad that you've come to the conclusions that you have, but I feel that they may be a little off base. Being a female from a similar situation, we guard our heart and look out for it. I probably would have made an effort to contact you had you been contacting me, even if it was to say I just need time. I'm sure that her attmepts to meet new people were only shallow if the reasons you guys always broke up were over fear of committment. She probably still loves you and cares about you and is completely conflicted on what to do or what to believe, especially if this isn't the first time in this rodeo. Move on with your life and if she comes back and is willing to work on things, don't be mean or hateful. She's just trying to make sense of the situation and decide what's right for her heart.

 

I am a little curious though why you freaked everytime the topic of marriage came up. My ex and I had been together for 6 yeears and have graduated from college and in careers, marriage was the next logical step and he all of a sudden disappeared and is in a new relationship. Is the fear of marraige to someone you care about that horrible to make you freak out and leave them?

[mizundastud]

Was the dumper and became the dumpee because I was an extremely emotional wreck and came on way too strong...but hey things happen I would say dont contact her at all because the more you do the more you'll push her away. I made such a fool of myself I wouldnt suggest you do the same.

[Kantor]

Was the dumper and became the dumpee because I was an extremely emotional wreck and came on way too strong...but hey things happen I would say dont contact her at all because the more you do the more you'll push her away. I made such a fool of myself I wouldnt suggest you do the same.

 

Thanks for your story. I agree it's time to ease off the gas and let her decide what's best for her.

 

I've already f%~*ed up enough I don't want to again.

[Kantor]

Just wanted to add a quick update for those who are following:

 

Its been a two days since my last contact and I started to feel worse and worse as the time passed. Really regressing back to where the pain is palpable.

 

So today I asked her what she wanted as to me she had been dancing around the subject with me.

 

She told me she didn't want a relationship and she didn't think we could be friends or talk at the moment, and probably not for a while.

 

She said I really needed to get over this.

 

That's what I needed to hear, its the first time that shes flat out told me and I needed to hear it.

 

I reiterated where I stood to her and told her she'll always have a special place in my heart.

 

I really hope that was the closure I needed to put this behind me and move on. Ugh, i need a break from all this... Time to bury myself in work for a while.

 

Think I need an LS break also, as much as this place has helped me cope it also serves as a reminder of the pain I am in.

 

Thanks to everyone who has been there to support me and will continue to do so!

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry Kantor, I hoped things would out with you and her.

Yes that's what you needed to hear if there's no hope to reconcile. Ugh.

(((((hugs)))))

[kickintheaz]

so sorry to hear kantor, I really am.. it sucks, but look, it gets easier, believe me... new year new you.. mine txtd last night to wish me a happy new year and kiss my dog from her.. eh NO ... my puppy doesn't need to now you are the reason daddy was in bits for 3 months..

 

I've started to let go and you should too, it will ease after a while and there is light at the end of the tunnel, believe me...

 

you have heard it from the horses mouth, so unfortunately you need to deal with that now and look fwd.... there no other words one can say to help you..

 

break from LS can be good too, be sure and check back in when ya all better though!.. who knows what tales you'll have for us!

 

take care, good luck, thanks for your support too and heres to 2010...

 

kick

[Kantor]

Update:

 

So its been two weeks or so since I've been around really took some time to clear my head and stop the cycle.

 

I'll admit, these two weeks were much easier then I expected they were going to be. I still have my ups and downs, but they are starting to mellow out. I'm sleeping much better, eating much better, and over all just feeling much better.

 

Don't get me wrong I still miss the girl, but at this point I've accepted that at our current states (age, maturity, life in general) were not meant to be together. I've gone through the cycles from being sure I suffered from CP to now thinking perhaps I was just caught up in love and that love blinded the faults that were actually present and that my attempts to run away were potentially well founded.

 

Regardless of the situation or the outcome I have learned a TON about relationships, lots of it with the help of LS here. It's so nice to have a place to come and let your true emotions pour out and have people 'nudge' you in a direction you should be taking... even though most of us don't listen the first..second..or third times were told!

 

I knew 2010 would give me something to look up for and boy did it EVER!

 

Last week was crazy! I got offered a new position at my current job on Wednesday. I was told on Thursday I am to receive a major award, and on Friday I got offered a new position with a different department!

 

Plus I've been looking for a house and the pieces there are coming together also!

 

So keep you're heads up guys and gals, It hurts for a while, but it DOES and WILL get better.

 

I think the one piece of advice that I wish I would have known is.... at some point you're going to decide that you have been rejected enough and until that point you're going to do everything you can regardless of what people say to try to fix the situation.

 

I poured my heart out to my ex, (I was the dumper for the new readers), but after being ignored, given the cold shoulder, making no progress, I had to realize that I made this situation and I now have to deal with it and if I'm going to deal with it I'm sure as hell am not going to live my life as a depressed blob.

 

Time will heal the heart, and thats really about it. Stick in there!