And so comes the txt from the xMM's W.....

[donnamaybe]

He said he knows I am hurting and probably think that everything he has said to me over the last 2 yrs was a lie and to tell me that he meant every word he said about how he feels and felt about me, that he is so sorry.

 

h4u, you just remember that he is saying these things in an effort to make you not hate him. I'm not saying he never had feelings for you, BUT they weren't of the "be with you forever" kind, or he would have left his M for you. Don't let him make you feel worse. You keep that well deserved anger and disgust for him - that's all he deserves, and it will serve you well in the coming weeks.

 

((((h4u))))

[stampdaddy]

may I offer a wee bit of advise from someone that has been right where you are?

 

Please DO NOT get caught up in the "wonder" of all of this. Your mind will drive you crazy, ESPECIALLY over a weekend, ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY over the Holidays...

 

STAY FOCUSED ON ONLY ONE THING: YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU

 

don't "wonder" what is going on over there. Don't wonder if she or he will call you. In fact, if you can, change your number and change it today. Trust me, I know it is a pain, but it will help save you. You have all weekend to call, email and/or text all who you need to tell that you have a new number. This way, you won't be looking at your phone for calls or texts from either of them. You gave the wife a chance to ask questions, and she did. She had her chance and you answered. THE END

 

See, here is the rub. You WILL be thinking to yourself "gosh, they HAVE to be fighting. He WILL get kicked out. Their marriage HAS to be over now... but please don't do that to yourself. Think only about you and your family and THEIR Christmas... And then do the same for a New Year, YOUR YEAR

[2sunny]

good job, now YOU can start your new life without him. this is all now in the past. you might want to consider telling your co worker not to be the go between anymore - as he's still technically trying to hold on to you by relaying information - it's his way of cheating through the NC... he can tell his W he hasn't spoken to you - but technically he got info to you through another source. he's still manipulating the system - for his advantage.

 

now NC will include not wondering if and when he'll break NC. this will allow YOU to move forward.

 

big hugs!

[whichwayisup]

Take this one day at a time and make yourself a promise. You won't reply if he contacts you. Remember your promise, to yourself and to his wife. Hold HIM up to his word that he is doing NC with you.

 

Grieve and cry, get it out. It's the beginning of your new life now, though I know you're hurting, it ended pretty well considering..

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless4u

 

I think you handled yourself very well all things considered. Interacting with his W can't have been easy for you. I am glad you talked to her and I am glad you answered her with the truth.

 

I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

 

I came home, wrote that post and curled up in bed and sobbed like I have never sobbed before and still am.

[hopeless4u]

h4u, you just remember that he is saying these things in an effort to make you not hate him. I'm not saying he never had feelings for you, BUT they weren't of the "be with you forever" kind, or he would have left his M for you. Don't let him make you feel worse. You keep that well deserved anger and disgust for him - that's all he deserves, and it will serve you well in the coming weeks.

 

((((h4u))))

 

Thanks DM, I have thought this, that he is hedging his bets, if he keeps me thinking he loves me but feels he has to work on his M, if it doesn't work out I'll still want him.

I am trying my hardest to keep the anger but the tears just won't stop. I went to make myself a drink and saw the biscuit jar and started all over again!(he always used to pinch biscuits, it was a stupid joke between us).

 

I'm hoping I just need to get this out my system.

[whichwayisup]

I have thought this, that he is hedging his bets, if he keeps me thinking he loves me but feels he has to work on his M, if it doesn't work out I'll still want him.

 

Stop..giving yourself hope. Don't think stuff like this..It'll only lead you to not closing your heart from him.

 

You have no idea now what is going on with him - HE is now doing NC with you, and focussing on reconnecting with his wife. He was floored by her reaction, suprised on how much she actually does love him..That's what you need to accept, and close the door. Lock the door, throw away the key. This chapter of your life is over..

 

Sorry you're hurting, take care of you.

[Owl]

H4U- You've done the right thing, you've done all you can do to give them the best shot they can to recover. Right now...Stampdaddy has it right...focus on YOU, and YOUR recovery now. Do not let yourself stay focused on them, and do NOT let this guy weasel his way back into your life.

 

SD- You've learned well, young padawan. Excellent advice!

[hopeless4u]

may I offer a wee bit of advise from someone that has been right where you are?

 

Please DO NOT get caught up in the "wonder" of all of this. Your mind will drive you crazy, ESPECIALLY over a weekend, ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY over the Holidays...

 

STAY FOCUSED ON ONLY ONE THING: YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU

 

don't "wonder" what is going on over there. Don't wonder if she or he will call you. In fact, if you can, change your number and change it today. Trust me, I know it is a pain, but it will help save you. You have all weekend to call, email and/or text all who you need to tell that you have a new number. This way, you won't be looking at your phone for calls or texts from either of them. You gave the wife a chance to ask questions, and she did. She had her chance and you answered. THE END

 

See, here is the rub. You WILL be thinking to yourself "gosh, they HAVE to be fighting. He WILL get kicked out. Their marriage HAS to be over now... but please don't do that to yourself. Think only about you and your family and THEIR Christmas... And then do the same for a New Year, YOUR YEAR

 

I do wonder if he had come clean before I'd sent the txt saying I would answer her questions or if the reason for her delay in replying was him telling all. I'm holding onto the hope that the full confession was because he knew he'd be found out, sounds silly but if it was I can still feel anger.

 

I'm not thinking now about whats happening with them and the 1 thing I am sure of is that I will not contact him, I said to my mum earlier that I gave his W my word and I will stick to it.

 

As I said earlier I hope these tears are just temporary, I don't know where they came from and I don't know why they won't stop, guess it's just part of the process.

[donnamaybe]

Thanks DM, I have thought this, that he is hedging his bets, if he keeps me thinking he loves me but feels he has to work on his M, if it doesn't work out I'll still want him.

I am trying my hardest to keep the anger but the tears just won't stop. I went to make myself a drink and saw the biscuit jar and started all over again!(he always used to pinch biscuits, it was a stupid joke between us).

 

I'm hoping I just need to get this out my system.

 

You know it's true. He wants a fall back just in case. Don't let him make you his second choice girl! You're BETTER THAN THAT!

 

And yes - you need to cry long and hard. Get it all out! It's cathartic, and you'll feel better - eventually.

[hopeless4u]

good job, now YOU can start your new life without him. this is all now in the past. you might want to consider telling your co worker not to be the go between anymore - as he's still technically trying to hold on to you by relaying information - it's his way of cheating through the NC... he can tell his W he hasn't spoken to you - but technically he got info to you through another source. he's still manipulating the system - for his advantage.

 

now NC will include not wondering if and when he'll break NC. this will allow YOU to move forward.

 

big hugs!

 

Thanks for the hugs, think I may need them!!

I think that was part of my friends 'look of concern', should she tell me or not. She has been a rock TBH, very level headed, she did say she just wanted to punch him but it wouldn't look good her knocking a manager out! lol.

 

I understand what you mean about not wondering if he will break NC, I don't think he will. I think that is the last thing I will hear from the both of them and like you say, time to move on. If I could just stop these bloody tears!!

[hopeless4u]

Take this one day at a time and make yourself a promise. You won't reply if he contacts you. Remember your promise, to yourself and to his wife. Hold HIM up to his word that he is doing NC with you.

 

Grieve and cry, get it out. It's the beginning of your new life now, though I know you're hurting, it ended pretty well considering..

 

I am so glad today is over, the weekend is always easier for me because he was never around that much so I have my routine that doesn't include him.

 

I don't expect to hear from him but if I do I won't reply and I can honestly say for the 1st time in NC(we have done it so many times) I have no desire to get in touch and I haven't checked my e mails since I've been home, before it would be the 1st thing I would do.

 

So is the crying that has just come out of the blue normal? I knew I would feel sad and have sobbed before but with everything that has happened this week I have had a strange kind of strength which I thought was anger.

 

Since his message I have turned into a wreck!

[donnamaybe]

There is now a sense of finality to the whole A whereas, before, it was still unresolved. Of course it's normal to cry! You will go through a whole gamut of emotions by the time you finally "get yourself back." But you will, and you will be stronger and wiser afterward.

[hopeless4u]

Stop..giving yourself hope. Don't think stuff like this..It'll only lead you to not closing your heart from him.

 

You have no idea now what is going on with him - HE is now doing NC with you, and focussing on reconnecting with his wife. He was floored by her reaction, suprised on how much she actually does love him..That's what you need to accept, and close the door. Lock the door, throw away the key. This chapter of your life is over..

 

Sorry you're hurting, take care of you.

I know I shouldn't think stuff like this and I only thought it for a second and most of the thought was that even now he is still looking out for him, if it doesn't work he'll still be ok.

 

I have accepted they will sort there M out, as my friend said, she will do anything for him and he is going through a mid life crisis!!

 

I think the tears have totally taken me by surprise, they came from nowhere and just won't stop!! My heart feels like someone is constantly squeezing it and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach!

[hopeless4u]

H4U- You've done the right thing, you've done all you can do to give them the best shot they can to recover. Right now...Stampdaddy has it right...focus on YOU, and YOUR recovery now. Do not let yourself stay focused on them, and do NOT let this guy weasel his way back into your life.

 

SD- You've learned well, young padawan. Excellent advice!

 

Thanks Owl, you would be surprised how much it means when people who have been there tell you that you have done the right thing, even though by doing the right thing hurts so much!

 

I will try to focus on me and I know I will get there and I truly do hope they work things out.

 

Like I said before I think the sudden tears and pain after his message took me by surprise as before that I was doing ok.

 

And yes SD has learned well, you must be a very good teacher!!

[Owl]

I'm not much of a teacher, just a crusty old bird who's been around the yard for a while.

 

What kind of "support system" do you have for yourself, H4U? Friends/family that you can call on to help you deal with the grief of it all?

 

Do you have an activity or hobby that you can "throw yourself into" for a while? Having something that helps occupy the time/energy you used to invest in the affair can help you work through all of this.

 

Hitting the gym/taking up martial arts/running is also a good way to use up that time/burn off that energy/reduce the stress/wear yourself out so you can sleep at night.

 

These are the kinds of "thinking of yourself" that can do everyone a lot of good.

 

Personally, I'd also recommend a couple of proactive measures to start building some peace for yourself.

 

Block MM from your home/work/cell phone, from your email/IM accounts. Limit his ability to invade your peace. He WILL test the boundaries again...you know this. PREPARE for it in advance, so that you can remain strong where you'd caved in during past NC's.

 

Knowing what he's going to do do....and proactively planning against it...demonstrates a strength he'll be completely unable to comprehend or deal with.

[hopeless4u]

I'm not much of a teacher, just a crusty old bird who's been around the yard for a while.

 

What kind of "support system" do you have for yourself, H4U? Friends/family that you can call on to help you deal with the grief of it all?

 

Do you have an activity or hobby that you can "throw yourself into" for a while? Having something that helps occupy the time/energy you used to invest in the affair can help you work through all of this.

 

Hitting the gym/taking up martial arts/running is also a good way to use up that time/burn off that energy/reduce the stress/wear yourself out so you can sleep at night.

 

These are the kinds of "thinking of yourself" that can do everyone a lot of good.

 

Personally, I'd also recommend a couple of proactive measures to start building some peace for yourself.

 

Block MM from your home/work/cell phone, from your email/IM accounts. Limit his ability to invade your peace. He WILL test the boundaries again...you know this. PREPARE for it in advance, so that you can remain strong where you'd caved in during past NC's.

 

Knowing what he's going to do do....and proactively planning against it...demonstrates a strength he'll be completely unable to comprehend or deal with.

 

I have great friends who know about the A and have always been honest with the both of us, I have never given my friends up for him and I never would.

 

They know me well, if I'm in pain I will firstly lock myself away and try to get rid of the emotions, which is what I am doing right now. I haven't come out of my bedroom for hours.

 

My 17 yr old son is downstairs (typical, he is usually out on a Friday night!) so when I do go down I need to be 'with it', not really feeling that right now.

 

I agree with the blocking his number and stuff and I do think thats a good Idea. I have also thought about erasing all of his txt messages, e mails and photo's??

 

I do have lots of support and we (the girls) have made plans to go Las Vegas in April so I have lots to look forward to. My son is off to university next yr and in general my life is good. I know I have no reason to need xMM except for the fact that I love him and that hurts like hell. All of the anger and lies can make me not want him in my life, his actions make me realise I don't need him in my life but my heart still aches and the tears still come. I know its part of the process and I have to feel the pain to get past this but its so hard.

 

Sorry I babbled but I can't really see through tears!!

[hopeless4u]

There is now a sense of finality to the whole A whereas, before, it was still unresolved. Of course it's normal to cry! You will go through a whole gamut of emotions by the time you finally "get yourself back." But you will, and you will be stronger and wiser afterward.

 

Yeah I think you are right, its finally hit me that I will never share anything with him again and it hurts like hell. Its not about him with his W, that I have got my head around(deep down think I always knew) but the realization I can never share anything with him again.....

[donnamaybe]

Yeah I think you are right, its finally hit me that I will never share anything with him again and it hurts like hell. Its not about him with his W, that I have got my head around(deep down think I always knew) but the realization I can never share anything with him again.....

 

But in knowing this you are finally free! Hasn't all this been really difficult? Think about it. You deserve to be someone's "one and only." Once you get past the pain of this A, you will finally be free for someone to find you and treat you like you deserve to be treated.

[norajane]

So is the crying that has just come out of the blue normal? I knew I would feel sad and have sobbed before but with everything that has happened this week I have had a strange kind of strength which I thought was anger.

 

Yes, the crying is normal. You will go through repeating cycles of tears and anger and sadness and anger and joy (yes, for you will feel FREE!!!), and tears and anger and so on for a while. It's all part of the process, but you WILL come out the other side.

 

Take good care of yourself right now. Eat, even if you don't feel like it. Spend time with your friends and family. You will be fine.

[hopeless4u]

But in knowing this you are finally free! Hasn't all this been really difficult? Think about it. You deserve to be someone's "one and only." Once you get past the pain of this A, you will finally be free for someone to find you and treat you like you deserve to be treated.

 

TBH the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment is that people on here have been there and come through it. I know its all about me and how strong I can be and what path I choose to get through this but right now I feel like ****, like I have been taken for a fool but on the other hand I still love him!

 

I'm hurting so much. I really want to slap myself right now!!

[hopeless4u]

Yes, the crying is normal. You will go through repeating cycles of tears and anger and sadness and anger and joy (yes, for you will feel FREE!!!), and tears and anger and so on for a while. It's all part of the process, but you WILL come out the other side.

 

Take good care of yourself right now. Eat, even if you don't feel like it. Spend time with your friends and family. You will be fine.

 

Its like I'm going through stages, I'm all curled up 1 minute and my chest feels like its going to burst open with pain then 10 minutes later I'm like...He won't do this to me, I'm better than that and feel all strong again!

 

I feel like i'm going mad.

[donnamaybe]

TBH the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment is that people on here have been there and come through it. I know its all about me and how strong I can be and what path I choose to get through this but right now I feel like ****, like I have been taken for a fool but on the other hand I still love him!

 

I'm hurting so much. I really want to slap myself right now!!

 

You're no fool. Not at all.

[RedDevil66]

Its like I'm going through stages, I'm all curled up 1 minute and my chest feels like its going to burst open with pain then 10 minutes later I'm like...He won't do this to me, I'm better than that and feel all strong again!

 

I feel like i'm going mad.

 

You're not going mad, you're getting the lead out. You're healing and these demons are flying out of you.

 

It's going to hurt and there will be bad days, but this is short term pain for long term gain.

Had you stayed, the pain would have never ended.

 

You're doing GREAT!

[tami-chan]

Hi H4U....wow...you are amazing! Now you get to start anew...of course the tears, the sadness, the pain are normal...if you didn't feel them that would have been strange, no? You are getting a lot of very good advises from people who have been there and survived beautifully....so yes, that's not a train at the end of the tunnel .

 

Sending good wishes your way.....stay strong!!!!