And so comes the txt from the xMM's W.....

[hopeless4u]

I can't thank everyone enough for the support last night, 2 bottles of wine, far to many cigarettes and lots of tissues later I think I may of just passed out!!

 

Today I'm feeling a little better, still a bit tearful at times but holding it together.

 

My best friend came round this afternoon and basically let me talk for hours!!

 

We went through everything with a fine tooth comb, all the things he may of said, just how much he has told her, why she may of taken him back and of course the 'what would I do if he wanted me back'.

 

All of these things and more have well and truly been exhausted today and I do feel better for it.

 

A few things my friend noticed was that his W didn't seem to want to know much considering she knows we were together for 2 yrs and that maybe she is waiting for the holidays to be over and will leave him anyway.

 

The message he sent me about his feelings being real, she thinks that if that is true and he really does love me then he will not be able to make the M work and the NC with me will kill him. Only time will tell.

 

As for the 'what would I do if he comes back' well the outcome of that question is still up in the air, I hope I will be strong enough to say no but we did decide that if that happened I would send him away to be on his own for a while.

 

Finally, I think we sorted out the message and why he did it, yes, partly to push my emotional button(he knows me well) but also to let me know he will not break NC.

He is doing what I have been asking him to do for the past year(even if forced into it) and I have to respect that. He is finally doing the right thing.

[2sunny]

even IF he were to ask to come back - this should NOT be a consideration unless to talk about it FIRST with his wife. you have her your word you would stay out of it - now stay out of it unless you ask her permission to correspond with him at all.

 

she will give you the green light if she says they are finished... then you can decide if you want leftovers...

 

to do it any different would be breaking your word you gave her.

 

 

i would expect him to wait long enough for things to settle down at home - THEN attempt to pick things back up with you behind her back. it is the usual order of things with a MM after DD... have a plan and stick to it. even if it means you are clear with him that permission must be given from his W first.

[hopeless4u]

even IF he were to ask to come back - this should NOT be a consideration unless to talk about it FIRST with his wife. you have her your word you would stay out of it - now stay out of it unless you ask her permission to correspond with him at all.

 

she will give you the green light if she says they are finished... then you can decide if you want leftovers...

 

to do it any different would be breaking your word you gave her.

 

 

i would expect him to wait long enough for things to settle down at home - THEN attempt to pick things back up with you behind her back. it is the usual order of things with a MM after DD... have a plan and stick to it. even if it means you are clear with him that permission must be given from his W first.

 

Sorry, not sure I explained very well, if he breaks NC the 1st thing I will do is tell his W, that is a given.

 

I meant that if in the future his M doesn't work for whatever reason and he wanted to start things with me I would send him away.

 

I was just trying to say that we talked about all sorts of things, reasons, coping, outcomes and so on.

 

It helped to just brainstorm the whole thing and cleared my head a little so I can think straight.

[2sunny]

Sorry, not sure I explained very well, if he breaks NC the 1st thing I will do is tell his W, that is a given.

 

I meant that if in the future his M doesn't work for whatever reason and he wanted to start things with me I would send him away.

 

I was just trying to say that we talked about all sorts of things, reasons, coping, outcomes and so on.

 

It helped to just brainstorm the whole thing and cleared my head a little so I can think straight.

 

i think you're doing well to talk it through with someone else and to have a plan when NC is broken. this is huge! good going!

 

i know i have been tough on you and just want to say that you have been strong - i know it's hard... be proud of yourself for that. it would be too easy to move to the pity party style or guilt area (which is never productive) - so stay in the area of being proud for doing the right thing. it will take you very far on the tough days ahead.

 

in a weak moment - call the friend that's been helping you. and remind yourself often how good it feels to have a clear conscience when you do the right thing. this can be a new turning point for a great life ahead. settle for nothing less.

[hopeless4u]

i think you're doing well to talk it through with someone else and to have a plan when NC is broken. this is huge! good going!

 

i know i have been tough on you and just want to say that you have been strong - i know it's hard... be proud of yourself for that. it would be too easy to move to the pity party style or guilt area (which is never productive) - so stay in the area of being proud for doing the right thing. it will take you very far on the tough days ahead.

 

in a weak moment - call the friend that's been helping you. and remind yourself often how good it feels to have a clear conscience when you do the right thing. this can be a new turning point for a great life ahead. settle for nothing less.

 

Thank you, you are spot on about feeling better for doing the right thing.

I think last night I needed to grieve for the ending of a 2 yr relationship, A or not I had invested 2 yrs of my life to this so of course I'm going to hurt(another of my friends revelations today) and that I shouldn't feel guilty for hurting as long as it is me I'm hurting for and not him.

 

I still have no desire to contact him and only have Mon, Tue and Wed left at work then I break up for Christmas until 4th Jan so that will be a huge help. I am hoping he has broken up now (most of the managers finished yesterday) but if he comes into the office I will avoid him and be strong.

[2sunny]

Thank you, you are spot on about feeling better for doing the right thing.

I think last night I needed to grieve for the ending of a 2 yr relationship, A or not I had invested 2 yrs of my life to this so of course I'm going to hurt(another of my friends revelations today) and that I shouldn't feel guilty for hurting as long as it is me I'm hurting for and not him.

 

I still have no desire to contact him and only have Mon, Tue and Wed left at work then I break up for Christmas until 4th Jan so that will be a huge help. I am hoping he has broken up now (most of the managers finished yesterday) but if he comes into the office I will avoid him and be strong.

 

it is good to have a plan. i think you are being logical and thinking things through for your best interest - which is new AND good!

 

soooo, IF he comes in, which he will probably find an excuse to do - have a plan - leave as soon as you see him. give him no chance to have it his way - which may even be that he just wants to see you from far away. leave - and have a buddy from the office call you when he's been gone long enough to not run into him. or have an coworkers office you can duck into until the coast is clear. trusted confidants only, so not to stir gossip around which would makes things ugly.

[hopeless4u]

it is good to have a plan. i think you are being logical and thinking things through for your best interest - which is new AND good!

 

soooo, IF he comes in, which he will probably find an excuse to do - have a plan - leave as soon as you see him. give him no chance to have it his way - which may even be that he just wants to see you from far away. leave - and have a buddy from the office call you when he's been gone long enough to not run into him. or have an coworkers office you can duck into until the coast is clear. trusted confidants only, so not to stir gossip around which would makes things ugly.

 

Hopefully he won't but if he does I will leave the office and I think you are right about him wanting to see me, just to see how I look, how I'm dealing with things. I won't give him the satisfaction!!

 

He may try to pass a message on through my friend like he did before but I will tell her to just tell him she doesn't want to get involved, which TBH she doesn't.

 

If he tries I may txt his W and just say, look I'm keeping my word now make him do the same.

 

Most people at work know about us and think he is separated, the few that noticed something was wrong last week I just said I've had enough of his baggage so have ended things for him to sort himself out, technically I'm not lying to them.

[Hazyhead]

Well done H4U. I've found the strength you've shown over the last couple of days (not that I'm saying you didn't have it before, but it's really come out of you in the latter part of this week), inspiring. Recovering from the affair is so hard and I'm struggling myself, but when following your story this week has really shown me why it's so important to break away and start to heal for our own benefit. I think you've handled things really well. :-)

[hopeless4u]

Well done H4U. I've found the strength you've shown over the last couple of days (not that I'm saying you didn't have it before, but it's really come out of you in the latter part of this week), inspiring. Recovering from the affair is so hard and I'm struggling myself, but when following your story this week has really shown me why it's so important to break away and start to heal for our own benefit. I think you've handled things really well. :-)

 

Thanks Hazyhead. I do feel more focussed now. I'm still very tearful at times, mostly when I say things outloud.

Triggers are the worst though, so many things remind me of him but again I see this as part of the process.

 

Brainstorming with my friend today was very helpful. We went through every possible way this could turn out, what they may or may not be doing and why they may be doing things, how I have dealt with things and why I dealt in this way, just everything you can possibly think of.

 

My friend also said she was very proud of me by my actions towards him and his W as I have had bitter thoughts (this is natural I think) but never acted on them and I told my friend these thoughts also and getting them out and analizing them helped so much.

 

I have fantastic friends, my phone hasn't stopped!!

I'm very lucky and I will get past this but I know it will not happen over night and I'm trying to plan ahead for the bad bits.

[Hazyhead]

Triggers are the worst! I've just driven a journey that took me past about five of our meeting places. Then I went all out and put on the CD he bought me and cried my whole way home. Again. But I'm home (Saturday night - not cool, but hey), and starting to perk up a little again.

 

I like the idea of brainstorming, it sounds like an effective way to gain some clarity. I think the bitter thoughts are indeed natural, but acting on them would only cause you more regret. That's what I tell myself anyway ;-) I think you should be really proud of yourself, too. You will get past this, and then life will be wonderful for you and you will be even stronger as a result.

[hopeless4u]

I hope you are feeling better today...

 

I know the feeling, it's really horrible, isn't it? Please make sure that you look after yourself, eat decent food, and try to keep going. One foot in front of the other, eh?

 

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

 

Hey FS how are you feeling?

 

I'm better today, still tearful and so many things trigger memories but my head is clearer and I seem to be thinking straight.

 

Can't say the same about eating though, have tried but just not hungry.

 

My friends have been wonderful, I really am lucky they care so much.

[hopeless4u]

Triggers are the worst! I've just driven a journey that took me past about five of our meeting places. Then I went all out and put on the CD he bought me and cried my whole way home. Again. But I'm home (Saturday night - not cool, but hey), and starting to perk up a little again.

 

I like the idea of brainstorming, it sounds like an effective way to gain some clarity. I think the bitter thoughts are indeed natural, but acting on them would only cause you more regret. That's what I tell myself anyway ;-) I think you should be really proud of yourself, too. You will get past this, and then life will be wonderful for you and you will be even stronger as a result.

 

Oh Hazyhead, bless you, I feel your pain, I really do x

 

My friends wanted me to go out tonight but I'm not sure more alcohol will do any good. I went through 2 bottles of wine last night and haven't really eaten much since this all started.

I find tv programmes a bad trigger, we used to watch the same thing and txt each other, this was every night, all night so tonight I have put a film on box office, Bruno;), certainly no triggers in this film!!

[2sunny]

Oh Hazyhead, bless you, I feel your pain, I really do x

 

My friends wanted me to go out tonight but I'm not sure more alcohol will do any good. I went through 2 bottles of wine last night and haven't really eaten much since this all started.

I find tv programmes a bad trigger, we used to watch the same thing and txt each other, this was every night, all night so tonight I have put a film on box office, Bruno;), certainly no triggers in this film!!

 

you need to eat healthy and stay away from alcohol etc. not eating right and drinking will only make you feel worse, you need to refuel your body with healthy food, and healthy drinks - it will help to fight the depression. exercise helps too.

 

stay away from anything harmful or negative to your general health right now - it is an easy trap, one i would not recommend at all!

 

healthy choices all the way around will turn things around much more quickly!

[Hazyhead]

It's hard to eat though, I understand that. I'm finding it hard to stomach anything larger than a biscuit (not just an excuse to eat loads of biscuits), but you kind of have to force yourself because I know from past experience that it becomes a vicious circle then you actually can't eat anything, so try to eat what you can H4U. My friends are out tonight too, that's where I was earlier, but I was slumping so I came home without drinking. I feel it's too soon for me to fall into that yet.

 

The funny films are all I can manage about now too :-) I've seen so many Will Ferrell movies in the last couple of weeks!

[hopeless4u]

you need to eat healthy and stay away from alcohol etc. not eating right and drinking will only make you feel worse, you need to refuel your body with healthy food, and healthy drinks - it will help to fight the depression. exercise helps too.

 

stay away from anything harmful or negative to your general health right now - it is an easy trap, one i would not recommend at all!

 

healthy choices all the way around will turn things around much more quickly!

 

I know I need to eat right but I am finding it hard to as I'm not even hungry.

Part of the reason I stayed in was because I know drinking isn't going to help especially on an empty stomach.

 

I will make the effort and hopefully will start feeling hungry again.

[2sunny]

I know I need to eat right but I am finding it hard to as I'm not even hungry.

Part of the reason I stayed in was because I know drinking isn't going to help especially on an empty stomach.

 

I will make the effort and hopefully will start feeling hungry again.

 

i know the feeling - but if you don't eat - you will have NO STRENGTH! - then you will feel even more weak - and that is not something i would ever recommend. defenses are down at that point - to even process clear thinking!

[hopeless4u]

It's hard to eat though, I understand that. I'm finding it hard to stomach anything larger than a biscuit (not just an excuse to eat loads of biscuits), but you kind of have to force yourself because I know from past experience that it becomes a vicious circle then you actually can't eat anything, so try to eat what you can H4U. My friends are out tonight too, that's where I was earlier, but I was slumping so I came home without drinking. I feel it's too soon for me to fall into that yet.

 

The funny films are all I can manage about now too :-) I've seen so many Will Ferrell movies in the last couple of weeks!

 

Yeah I will try, maybe little but often:)

 

Sky box office are going to love me, think The Hangover may be next!!

 

I do wonder if he is the same, me and my friend talked about this earlier. I said well at least when something triggers me I can cry or at least talk about it, he can't, not sure that would go down to well with his W!!

[2sunny]

he can't, not sure that would go down to well with his W!!

 

don't even go there... who cares how things will go now in his M or with his W! when you simply don't care at all - that will be when you start to progress and heal.

 

stay busy so you're not thinking of him at all.

[hopeless4u]

don't even go there... who cares how things will go now in his M or with his W! when you simply don't care at all - that will be when you start to progress and heal.

 

stay busy so you're not thinking of him at all.

 

I am trying to occupy myself, take my mine off him but he just keeps popping back into my head.

 

I said to my friend how I'm soo looking forward to the day that its not till the evening that I suddenly think wow I've not thought about him all day!!

Typing that upset me for some reason, the tears just came!!

[Hazyhead]

I understand that H4U. I can't help but wonder, though I try not to. In my case his wife doesn't know so he will be having to act 'normal'. BUT, I won't think about it... I wont! Well... I might, but I'll pull myself out of it and so will you.

 

So... The Hangover! Watch it; it's fab :-)

 

Me... I really should turn over Love Actually :-/

[hopeless4u]

I understand that H4U. I can't help but wonder, though I try not to. In my case his wife doesn't know so he will be having to act 'normal'. BUT, I won't think about it... I wont! Well... I might, but I'll pull myself out of it and so will you.

 

So... The Hangover! Watch it; it's fab :-)

 

Me... I really should turn over Love Actually :-/

 

You are right, we will pull ourselves together:)

 

It's snowing here, lots!!