20/20 - what Red Flags did we ignore in our relationships?

[Bulldozed]

I've wanted to post this for a while. I've been nc for a month and a half. I've been able to go back and assess with some clarity the red flags that were staring me in the face, but instead I was clearly too wrapped up in the "Fluff/honeymoon" feelings to act on them. I'm posting a list of the flags I chose not to acknowledge. It's real hard when you've spent 2 yrs w/someone you thought loved you, only to find out that they clearly weren't the person you thought they were! Even more damaging is a friendship that was pretty good at one time, has been destroyed.

 

1 - Ex's past - married twice. Recently found out she cheated on Husband 1, w/husband 2.

 

2- bf prior to me, just lost his mother a month before she and I re-met (after being friends for 15 yrs) - was flirting w/me in front of her bf/texting me non-stop after the evening. took me to a ball game, and was basically cheating on him with me, while still living with the guy.

 

3 -Cheated on me 4 months later w/exbf, the week of xmas, after having taken her to Vegas.

 

4- Pleaded w/me to give her another chance. Always the trusting fool, gave in.

 

5 - first/second week of 2008/ told me I was her soulmate, wanted to have my babies, said our relationship was "no fluff". Wanted to marry me. BIG RED FLAG

 

6- Continued unsolicited contact w/ex. Changed phone number, later gave him the new number.

 

7 - She was fired/demoted from her Gen Mgr job in Jan 08, citing poor attitude, among other things that I cautiioned her to be careful with...ie being too close w/her subordinates.

 

8 - Loaned her 4k one year ago, to help her w/some of the financial carnage left over from her 1st divorce. My attempt at improving her credit score, because we were planning on being married and that money would help us as a couple. When I asked her to sign a note in case things didn't work out/ she asked me how could I question our love! Accused me of trying to "rope her in"...quite the contrary, signing the note was a get out of jail card for her....all she had to do was honor the payback.

 

9 - when her good friend moved out on her husband, she sided with the husband. Providing a shoulder to cry on as he was devastated. I told her, there's always two sides to a story and she had yet to hear her friends.

 

10 - when friend visited her for the 1st time since their separation, she jokingly asked her if she could date her ex, since the were separated. BIG RED FLAG!!!

 

11 - She was demoted in spring of 09', from asst mgr, to sales person, poor attitude, once again cited.

 

12 - Took me on a dinner date in mid july, telling me she wanted to move in before the holidays. Yet, when I committed to that and mentioned we needed to get to the next level a few weeks later, she said, "so what are you saying, move in or else". Thought we already determined that?

 

13 - On way to a concert, she wanted to call her "former" friends ex and invite him along since I had extra tickets.

 

14 - Despite making plans w/my sister n law and niece & nephew, she continue to blow off my bro's family and instead chose to spend time with her ex's sis-n-law and family.

 

15 - Described to my sister-n-law in detail, how she wanted our wedding to be. This was in late July.

 

16 - Unable to communicate on real "couple" issues in person or on the phone. Instead, relies on "loaded" text messages. Despite telling her multiple times that adults don't communicate that way, I nevertheless, continued to perpetuate this ill-advised form of communication.

 

17 - 08-28 went out to dinner, told me she wanted to "take a break".....

 

18 - 3 wks later, sleeping with her friends ex-husband.

[TheLoneSock]

I've wanted to post this for a while. I've been nc for a month and a half. I've been able to go back and assess with some clarity the red flags that were staring me in the face, but instead I was clearly too wrapped up in the "Fluff/honeymoon" feelings to act on them. I'm posting a list of the flags I chose not to acknowledge. It's real hard when you've spent 2 yrs w/someone you thought loved you, only to find out that they clearly weren't the person you thought they were! Even more damaging is a friendship that was pretty good at one time, has been destroyed.

 

1 - Ex's past - married twice. Recently found out she cheated on Husband 1, w/husband 2.

 

2- bf prior to me, just lost his mother a month before she and I re-met (after being friends for 15 yrs) - was flirting w/me in front of her bf/texting me non-stop after the evening. took me to a ball game, and was basically cheating on him with me, while still living with the guy.

 

3 -Cheated on me 4 months later w/exbf, the week of xmas, after having taken her to Vegas.

 

4- Pleaded w/me to give her another chance. Always the trusting fool, gave in.

 

5 - first/second week of 2008/ told me I was her soulmate, wanted to have my babies, said our relationship was "no fluff". Wanted to marry me. BIG RED FLAG

 

6- Continued unsolicited contact w/ex. Changed phone number, later gave him the new number.

 

7 - She was fired/demoted from her Gen Mgr job in Jan 08, citing poor attitude, among other things that I cautiioned her to be careful with...ie being too close w/her subordinates.

 

8 - Loaned her 4k one year ago, to help her w/some of the financial carnage left over from her 1st divorce. My attempt at improving her credit score, because we were planning on being married and that money would help us as a couple. When I asked her to sign a note in case things didn't work out/ she asked me how could I question our love! Accused me of trying to "rope her in"...quite the contrary, signing the note was a get out of jail card for her....all she had to do was honor the payback.

 

9 - when her good friend moved out on her husband, she sided with the husband. Providing a shoulder to cry on as he was devastated. I told her, there's always two sides to a story and she had yet to hear her friends.

 

10 - when friend visited her for the 1st time since their separation, she jokingly asked her if she could date her ex, since the were separated. BIG RED FLAG!!!

 

11 - She was demoted in spring of 09', from asst mgr, to sales person, poor attitude, once again cited.

 

12 - Took me on a dinner date in mid july, telling me she wanted to move in before the holidays. Yet, when I committed to that and mentioned we needed to get to the next level a few weeks later, she said, "so what are you saying, move in or else". Thought we already determined that?

 

13 - On way to a concert, she wanted to call her "former" friends ex and invite him along since I had extra tickets.

 

14 - Despite making plans w/my sister n law and niece & nephew, she continue to blow off my bro's family and instead chose to spend time with her ex's sis-n-law and family.

 

15 - Described to my sister-n-law in detail, how she wanted our wedding to be. This was in late July.

 

16 - Unable to communicate on real "couple" issues in person or on the phone. Instead, relies on "loaded" text messages. Despite telling her multiple times that adults don't communicate that way, I nevertheless, continued to perpetuate this ill-advised form of communication.

 

17 - 08-28 went out to dinner, told me she wanted to "take a break".....

 

18 - 3 wks later, sleeping with her friends ex-husband.

 

Lol dude. She should have her own spot in Webster's for the definition of heartless. Thank god she's out of your life. She sounds like Satan.

 

The biggest red flag I ignored with the last one was her raging feminism. I figured I could get over her politics eventually, didn't work.

 

The one before that, the way she treated her ex.

[Porn_Guy]

Teh biggest "red flag" i missed was my ex-wife telling me she didn't want to get married a few months after we met. that statement became a challenge to me and i vowed to change her mind.

 

well i got her to marry me. big mistake. divorced her a couple years later

[Angel1111]

Things that I ignored (to name a few) - this is a compilation of more than one person:

 

- consistently bad temper and anger directed at others

- controlling

- untrusting

- angry driver

- disrespectful

- just a bad gut feeling about them overall

- arrogant

- not compatible as a travel companion

- my family and friends didn't like him

- self-centered behavior

- rude to me and others

- made veiled threats

- no ambition or drive

- not available

- drank too much

- criticized my family and friends

- checked up on me too much

- wasn't someone I could lean on; but consistently leaned on me

- no control over his emotions - drama king

[LovelyDaze]

Yep. You are like me. I now don't ignore big red flags...i wave them.

[LikeABirdWhoFlew]

Red Flags... let me name some here:

 

1. Making out with another girl in front of me when on vacation in Mexico (then angry with me because I loved her to much to have a 3 some)

 

2. Got caught text messaging her EX boyfriend(s) a few times

 

3. Flirtatious with people at work (we work together)

 

4. Always checking my phone and "informing" me who was calling for me

 

5. Very sneaky with her e-mails (I suspect she kept communicating with Ex's via e-mail after I told her no more contact via text or phone)

 

6. Once telling me she couldn't see us together in HER future because she didn't think I would be outgoing enough with her FUTURE friends

 

7. Got caught telling her EX boyfriend before me she loved him (on my birthday I kid you not) and that he knows how to reach her via e-mail. (she forgot to sign out of e-mail)

 

8. Thought EVERY girl at work wanted to screw me

 

9. Only told me how attractive she thought I was once or twice, both time when she was drunk

 

10. When we first started dating, told me not to talk with her while we both worked out at the same gym. (Said she liked to keep working out seperate from dating) Now realize she was keeping her options open

 

11. When we first started dating she would talk to her EX and try to make him jealous by telling him how well I treated her and things I bought her

 

12. Lied for 3 months about being with someone so soon after our breaking of the engament

 

13. With in 1 month after our engament ends she moves in with someone she met online and tells me she was on cloud nine. (how could you be on cloud 9 when your engament was just ended??!?!!?)

 

14. When we were dating, broke up with me, moved back to her parents for 1 day and realized she didn't like living there so DEMANDED that she be allowed to come back to my place because she missed HOME. (didn't miss me, she missed HOME)

 

15. Controlling

 

16. Always checking up on me

 

17. Would not give me space

 

Man, I can not believe the sh*t I put up with. I hope I learned my lesson this time.

Edited December 17, 2009 by LikeABirdWhoFlew

[LovelyDaze]

Wow, LikeABirdWhoFlew.

 

Those were some bright red flags alright. Don't even bother with that looney toon again!

[deebeechrisyo]

Been broken up for a little over a month now, with NC and all that. I think she still is an amazing woman but I feel as if I'm completely over her now. Annnd now for the red flags:

 

- She pushed WAY too fast into a relationship (basically kept bringing up the long-term thing on the first date and by the second date was already asking to be exclusive)

- Subtle rudeness to me in front of her friends

- Brought up stories of how ex-boyfriends dumped her at random times throughout our relationship

- Lots and lots of nagging after sex (mostly about not being emotional enough. This wasn't constructive conversation either which I would have very much appreciated, it was pure nagging which just annoyed me).

[HeavenOrHell]

Him telling me over and over that he wasn't happy because I was constantly busy and had no time for him the last two years

[nobmagnet]

red flags eh??? i ignored them and smoothed over them.

 

1. withdrew sex early on

2. Would have nothing to do with his children

3. would forget on the odd occasion I asked him to fetch them from school

4. Working me so hard on our land and house I had byceps like Arnie

5. Never taking me out

6. Playing on his computer all evening and not talking

7. constantly putting me down till I have no self worth

8. blowing up If i dare to challenge his actions

9. never considering my feelings

10. selfish and arragant

11. being unable to accept he ever did wrong

12. secretive

13. just being a lowly worm

 

I could go on. I am still shaking the sand from my ears from having it buried for so long!!!!

 

x

[dt311unity]

Some of the red flags I didn't take seriously in my five year relationship with ex fiance:

 

- Emotionally unstable (high highs and low lows)

- Never content with the things I did for her (working two jobs to afford our house and lifestyle, doing all the chores around the house, etc.)

- Cheated on me twice a year after our engagement (stupid me forgave her)

- Judged people without really getting to know them

- Manipulative

- Hypocritical

- Didn't value the meaning of friendship

- Controling and jealous

- Blamed me for her unhappiness with herself, brought that unhappiness into our relationship

- Everything was always about her and her feelings

- Strong co-dependent behavior

- Left me and then I took her back again, this happened three times (stupid me again)

 

Just to name a few...

[mark982]

my mom catching my ex with another mans dick in her mouth was a huge red flag, true story.

[ajj]

1. After giving him many gifts for X-mas within a week loses an overnight bag containing a bottle of cologne I had given him. Complains at length that while he has many bags he really liked that one but at least it had nothing of value in it. He stressed that last part many times.

 

2. Valentine's Day was a mystery to him. Despite taking off from work, giving him his card and gifts early, and trying to make plans to be together we end up staying home. I didn't even receive a card. I'm not high maintainence. You're calling me your partner and you want to spend the rest of our lives together and you can't even get one lousy card for Valentine's Day? Really?

 

3. Never wanted to go out. If we did go out (even to places that were free or the cost was minimal) he complained about everything or made fun of everything. Nothing was up to standard except for him sitting at his computer or going to animal shelters to walk dogs. When some of the animal shelters complained how he disciplined dogs he retorted they were obviously not taking care of their dogs and no one was going to adopt them because the dogs didn't know how to behave. He was a dog expert after watching "The Dog Whisperer."

 

4. 24 and living at home with his parents never having lived on his own despite being able to afford to. Allowed his mother to support him completely financially while complaining what a terrible person she is.

 

5. I bought him many gifts and paid for the rare times we did dine out. He couldn't remember most of the gifts I had purchased for him (even when they were ones he had picked out) and never said a simple thank you after paying for dinner, wine, and dessert.

 

6. Demanded that I redecorate the home I had established before I ever met him to suit his taste- at my expense. Watched me pay for everything then later stated he never asked me to do that. He re-wrote history in his favor about anything that cast him in less than a favorable light.

 

7. Complained that my wardrobe was too plain- wanted me to dress more suggestively. Enjoyed being out in public with me if other men made comments about me no matter how crude.

 

8. On my birthday we celebrated with my friends- he drank on my tab. Compalined I had told the bartender early in the evening not to serve him anymore as he was the designated driver.

 

9. Subltly made fun of my friends to their faces (they're not smart enough to figure it out he rationalized. Sadly, some of them didn't. Not because they are dim but because he was with me and they wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.) and terribly behind their backs. While they were very social they were not intellectuals like him. (In his mind) Thinks because his American parents had foreign jobs at the time he was born made him cultured though he had never been to a single musuem in the city he has lived in since he was 5 years old. Even if he were cultured (he wasn't) my BFF pointed out hey yogurt is cultured- so what?

 

10. When I found out about his EA he got his mom involved (though swears he didn't- she figured everything out on her own) so she could call me while I was at work and give me an hour long tirade about my character. Once I calmly presented at least a little bit about where I was coming from she did an about face admitting he came off as a liar and I should break up with him forever then. Wish I had listened.

 

11. I had to have emergency outpatient surgery on a day I had a horrible migraine. The condition requiring the emergency surgery was causing a lot of pain as well. Despite being told by the doctor's office he needed to stay there with me because of the level of pain I was in I would need to be taken home immediately and get into bed he ignored them. Instead he took his car for routine maintainence that could have been done at any time (he only works part time- on the weekends- missing work not an issue) and left me in pain and sick on a doctor's couch while he took his car to the dealership. I was groggy but still aware of the amount of time that had passed. Acted as though the simple act of him dropping me off and eventually picking me up was incredible generousity and and my objection about having been left there was proof of how ungrateful I was for his support.

 

Ugh! After thinking about even some of these things I'm angrier at myself than him! I have been on my own since I was 17. I have purchased a home, established a career, then switched and established another sucessful career. I have worked hard my entire life off and on throughout my life providing assistance to a couple of my siblings. I overcame hardships as anyone who lives in the real world has faced at one time or another and I didn't have my parents babying me doing my laundry for me and paying my college tuition for me. I'm so, so better off without him.

 

I'm so grateful for these forums.

[Ilovecake]

Has lived with every girl he ever dated.

 

Cheated on me and then made gigantic gestures like following me across the country begging me to take him back. Stupid me I took him back.

 

Lying (even though a lot of that came out after the breakup)

 

Never apologized for anything.

 

Complete communication shutdown. Never argued with me just moved out when he got mad and would never explain what he was mad about. Third time he did that I said no more.

 

The way he acted around his other male friends should have been a big giveaway as to the person he really is. I unfortunately chose to believe that who he was around me was the real him. Boy was I wrong.

 

Expected me to do weird ‘housewife’ things.

 

The two women he grew up with (his sister and mother) were both complete losers that made him have complete disrespect towards all women.

 

He was extremely rude to my best friend the first time he met her.

Whenever we were around my friends he would sulk in the corner and not talk to them. All my friends disliked him.

[jjaded1]

-the horrible way he treated his mother and father

-his bad temper

-crazy driving

-the fact that he started to never leave his phone unattended the last 6 months of our relationship. He even took it to the bathroom.

-he lied about finishing college and other stupid lies that I caught him in.

[nobmagnet]

please may i share a seed of knowledge from the posts that hve been written?

Look up breakingup with a narsisistic man/woman on google. Its short and is a true insite to all of you. Mine is an acute narsissistic man. Its both shocking and enlightening. some of you may find it benificial in your long term outlook of your relationship.

 

seasons greetings! hey its snowing here!! love to you all. Be good if you could feed bacx

[TheLoneSock]

Jesus Christ... some people here are really having a vent-fest with this.

 

I'm sensing quite a bit of healing going on lol.

[twinklecat]

Well, lets have a go at this, been thinking during thins NC lark, and wow so many red flags!

 

*Within the first few weeks of being in the relationship telling me he was falling for me when his marriage had just ended 3 months prior.

*Very posessive, did not like my friends, on one ocassion I was dancing with a male friend and he pushed in between us

*Dissed all of my interests

*Expected me to clean and tidy up after him

*Secretive

*Checking up on me be it checking my phone, emails, or "bumping" into me when I was out and about

*Always talked about himself and told lies

*Talked over the top of me, dominated the conversation even when I was with my family or friends

*Has a general lack of respect towards women, seems to have the attitude we are below men, and are there to serve men

*Rude as hell to serving staff (this REALLY bothered me) whether it be someone on the phone, in a shop, restaurant, again was worse if they were female

*Not interested in supporting me or my dreams, was always about him and what he wanted - my ideas etc were stupid, waste of time bla bla bla

*Cannot deal with emotion, for exmaple if someone died his way of thinking it was okay to be upset for like a day, any more than that there was something wrong with you

*The way he talked about his ex, calling her a psycho, when no she wasn't

*Lack of understanding about money, seems to think it just magics out of no-where and can afford latest TV, gadgets etc etc

*No interest in maintaining the relationship

*Very aloof and cold after about 4 months together, I'd have to ask for cuddles and kisses, stating he was "not that kind of person" if I questioned why, when he WAS that person when we were getting together/got together

*Only had sex when he wanted it, on one ocassion I was ill and he pestered me until I just gave up, was easier than having an arguement / dealing with his huff for the rest of the night

*Only interested in what he got out of sex

*Constant guilt trips if I disagreed with him

*Never gave me compliments, made jokes at my expense. - If I dressed up he wouldn't complain as such but would make a thing of it

*Tried to drive a wedge between all my family and friends, saying how they didn't understand our love bla bla bla

*Tried to force me to have an abortion when I was pregnant with his child

 

I really could go on, but have horrified myself why I stayed with this complete nutjob for 5 years, and why I took him back 3 years ago when I ended it, NEVER AGAIN!!!

[ajj]

Jesus Christ... some people here are really having a vent-fest with this.

 

I'm sensing quite a bit of healing going on lol.

 

Yeah, some good old-fashioned venting is going on. Some of it is kind of creepy how many of the red flags appear again and again. If we're reading these we can take note that some red flags just spell heartbreak and should *never* be ignored.

[TheLoneSock]

And %90 of these people would never have the courage to tell the person their talking about all these things to their face.

[ajj]

And %90 of these people would never have the courage to tell the person their talking about all these things to their face.

 

I did. What results did I get? No matter how carefuly I approached the subject all I did was paint a big red target on myself for him to either aggressively dump his toxic bs on me (you're b!thcy, you're an a$$) or do something very passive agressively which hurt even worse. Sometimes I would just get the silent treatment.

 

No, couples counseling didn't help. He had an EA that wasn't his fault because he had an over-bearing mother. I shouldn't have been so angry and hurt. After three or four sessions we didn't return but the damage was done. He had a professional giving him carte blanche to treat me anyway he wanted if I reacted in anyway (this hurts my feelings when you do/say this). He shouldn't have to put up with that! <rolls eyes>

[DustySaltus]

And %90 of these people would never have the courage to tell the person their talking about all these things to their face.

 

I think the other 10% (me included) did this the last night they were together...

 

Am I perfect? No way, but the KEY to love is accepting an imperfect person perfectly.

[LexiB]

The red flags that b*tchslapped me in the face right at the begining:

 

1. The fact that he's divorced

 

2. The fact that HE initiated the divorce

 

3. The fact that he initiated the divorce for a BS reason (said they were "too similar" )

 

4. The fact that he told me he doesnt care if he ever talks to his exw again

 

5. The fact that he said #4 even though a) by his own accounts, she was good to him and b) they were together - in CONSECUTIVE years people, not on & off like most long term couples - for almost a DECADE. :eek:

(this includes dating pre-marriage)

 

 

I've always thought you can tell alot about a guy from the way he talks about his ex. Too bad I didnt listen to my own warning with this dude...

[adamt]

here are my redflags i worked out 2 months after break up:-

 

 

• Starts going out with friends more
  
• They stay over less often
  
• They have less time to see you
  
• they want to go out in a group rather than just with you
  
• Start going to the gym a lot and have a make over
  
• Spends more time on the laptop/internet
  
• Sex stops or drops to a minimum
  
• they go quiet or start to go distant
  
• they start to nit pick at things that were never a problem
  
• you speak less online or on the phone(less texting too)
  
• they go to bed/sleep earlier
  
• they sleep facing away from you
  
• they stop making plans for the medium and long term, like holiday and settling down
  
• they start to roll their eyes or talk under their breath
  
• they dont laugh at your jokes anymore
  
• they dont return compliments or as touchy feely
  
• They are reluctant to be seen naked infront of you
  

[rickigal]

1. Had kid with gf...left her when daughter was 6 months old.

 

2. Cheated on his wife.

 

3. Got married in Vegas.

 

4. Has a tattoo that his wife also got, said in the beginning of the relationship that he would never removed it bc he got it with his wife.

 

5. Refused to get divorced. Said it was only paperwork.

 

6. Only saw his daughter twice a month and sent her to his mom's so he could watch the Eagles game.

 

7. Told me "You better get your financial situation figured out because I'm not supporting your ass"

 

8. Went to lunch repeatedly with his wife without telling me about it.

 

9. Flipped out on me and accused me of something I didn't do (locked his cats in a bedroom when I left his place in the morning) and never even asked me about it nicely.

 

10. Drank throughout our relationship while professing to be sober the whole time (we are both alcoholics).

 

Nice guy. So glad I am out of that relationship.