Can this relationship be repaired?

[bemllr]

I have been involved with a man for three years. We have a 1 1/2 year old son together. I lived with him for a year, and then moved out when things got out of hand. I have been in my own apartment with our son for 16 months. For the past twelve months he kept asking for a direction in our relationship and a path foreward. My family hates him, as he had a drinking problem when I left. Since then, he has really straightened out and is a wonderful father and has really put 100% into our relationship. Evertime he would ask for an answer to his question, I would tell him I needed time to think things through, to please give me time. My family had told me that IF I ever went back with him they would disown me. Well, I finally made the choice to tell him I wanted to come home with him and I was willing to take the chance of my family walking away. The day I chose to do this he wasn't able to meet with me, so I chose the next day. It so happens that day he calls me and tells me he can no longer live this way and that he is going out. I thought he meant with his male friends, and I was wrong. I still had no clue until the following night. I went to him and still I told him how much I love him and htat I want to be with him, I also told my family. NOW, he tells me he needs two weeks to think and that I crushed him these past twelve months and he at this point is not willing to give me a chance. What can I do to repair this damage?? Do I stand a chance that he will come around and see that I truly do mean this and want to spend the rest of my life with him? He told me that the total change has come too fast and that he has a lot of question as to why I am finally at this conclusion, even after I have told him that I needed time and had to come to the conclussion on my own without anyone pursuading me one way or the other.

 

Can SOMEONE help me??? Please??? Do I have any hope at all?? What do I do??? I love this man with all of my heart and want to be with HIM!

 

HELP!!!!

[Tony T]

It seems that back when he was ready, you were the one who had to think about it. The continuous rejection he got from you once he made the changes apparently got to him. Now we have a serious case of bad timing.

 

There is always a chance with love but you can't panic. Love is like the weather...it just happens when it wants to...not when YOU want it to. So sit tight and let things happen.

 

In your particular case, it sounds like both of you have changed a lot over the past few years. If the two of you were to get back in a living arrangement, there is the possibility you would not even be compatible. The two of you could have grown apart.

 

So, while there is hope, there's also a lot of chaos and confusion that you don't deserve. Right now, he's probably going out to get back at you for all the rejection. That's immaturity on his part.

 

Given time, you could probably have this guy if that's what you really want. But I would wait a very long time to be sure he no longer drinks and has grown up a bit before I would go much farther than living together again.

 

To answer your questions...there is nothing you can do to repair the damage. You probably rejected him out of anger and resentment. There's a lot of hard feelings between the two of you that need to be cured.

 

What I don't understand is that if you loved him so much, why did you have to do so much thinking about taking him back. Anyway, we've got some weird timing here but it will be OK. Just sit tight. Let him have his time and don't appear to be affected by it...be very cool and calm.

 

I think your family sees him a lot more objectively than you do so don't think they'll sit idly by and see you get injured again. Listen to your family. Very often, people outside the situation, particularly our friends, see a person objectively and can give us good advice if we will listen and not get upset with them. Your family has your best interests in mind. You have to admit, this guy does not have a great history, although you say he's come around and been a good father of late. Let's hope the changes are permanent.

 

This is a story with a lot of possible endings...let's hope it's a happy one.

[bemllr]

Here's one of the other problems, he told me that there was such a lack of communication between us that it tore us apart. I was doing things that I thought were the way to show him how much I loved him (I had him to dinner, asked him to go for walks, rented movies, called him at work, etc..) But, I didn't use a lot of words, other than telling him "I love you". But, I THOUGHT he knew that I truly loved him and wanted to be with him forever and that I was doing all of these things because I wanted to be with him. I didn't tell him in words, though.

 

Is there some way I can help him understand that I truly thought he knew that I loved him and was sincere about spending our lives as a unit, when I never said those words until "now". His question to me is "Why now?" I tried to explain to him that it took time for me to come to the realization that I could live without my family and that I wouldn't resent the relationship with him in the future if I did loose my family. He says it was too sudden of a decision and change in me. But, it wasn't it took me 12 months to be able to make that move. I had a lot of considerations to make, and finally came full circle. When I tell him this he keeps on saying "But, why now?"

 

I love him! Help me with the right ways to communicate this to him and to communicate my reasoning behind why my decision came when it did. My decision came BEFORE he decided he could no longer wait, our time just didn't jive to sit down and talk. Have I waited too long? Is there HOPE? He says he loves me, but he can't handle fighting and living apart, even though I told him I want to COME HOME to HIM FOREVER. HELP!

 

It seems that back when he was ready, you were the one who had to think about it. The continuous rejection he got from you once he made the changes apparently got to him. Now we have a serious case of bad timing. There is always a chance with love but you can't panic. Love is like the weather...it just happens when it wants to...not when YOU want it to. So sit tight and let things happen. In your particular case, it sounds like both of you have changed a lot over the past few years. If the two of you were to get back in a living arrangement, there is the possibility you would not even be compatible. The two of you could have grown apart. So, while there is hope, there's also a lot of chaos and confusion that you don't deserve. Right now, he's probably going out to get back at you for all the rejection. That's immaturity on his part. Given time, you could probably have this guy if that's what you really want. But I would wait a very long time to be sure he no longer drinks and has grown up a bit before I would go much farther than living together again. To answer your questions...there is nothing you can do to repair the damage. You probably rejected him out of anger and resentment. There's a lot of hard feelings between the two of you that need to be cured. What I don't understand is that if you loved him so much, why did you have to do so much thinking about taking him back. Anyway, we've got some weird timing here but it will be OK. Just sit tight. Let him have his time and don't appear to be affected by it...be very cool and calm.

 

I think your family sees him a lot more objectively than you do so don't think they'll sit idly by and see you get injured again. Listen to your family. Very often, people outside the situation, particularly our friends, see a person objectively and can give us good advice if we will listen and not get upset with them. Your family has your best interests in mind. You have to admit, this guy does not have a great history, although you say he's come around and been a good father of late. Let's hope the changes are permanent. This is a story with a lot of possible endings...let's hope it's a happy one.