InLoKo Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 My ex-b/f and I were together for 7 years. (He is 7 years younger than me) We met at work and initially were best friends only. We took things a stage further, fell in love and things were great. We both changed jobs and he took a job which meant he was abroad for months on end. We maintained a long-distance relationship. I began to suspect that he had a fear of commitment. A few times we split for very short periods of time, each time he would say he didn't want a relationship yet each time, he would call me, take me out to dinner and we would take up where we left off. We hinted at marriage but never more that that. Two years ago, we split up. Things hadn't been going that well, partly because I was resenting him being away all the time (wondering if his fear of commitment made him avoid coming home), he resented the pressure I was putting him under and we started arguing about it. We still got on very well (as we always have done), but this was the sticking point between us. Once we had split, he maintained contact with me by sending the occasional txt (every 3-4 weeks) asking how I was, etc and we would have a txt conversation (sometimes very suggestive txts and sometime reminiscing about the memorable times we had). Last Xmas, I sent him a txt saying Merry Xmas, and he replied he was spending Xmas day with his other half. That ruined my day!! I hadn't asked if he was seeing anyone else and didn't really want to know. I wondered why he felt the need to tell me, too. Anyway, I got on with my life, mended my broken heart, even dated a couple of guys, but nothing more. About 2 months ago, he called me out of the blue. He asked me if he could come round to see me for a couple of hours before he got to the airport (He was going abroad again for 3-4 months). I told him I was busy with work and couldn't make it, but said it would have been nice to catch up. Since then, he has started to email me and send me a few photos of himself. A month ago, he sent me a mail inviting me to chat with him on MSN Chat. We now chat 2-3 times a day and have as much of a laugh as we always did. Often the chat is extremely suggestive although that's how we often used to have laughs. Often he reminisces about the times we had. There was always great chemistry and friendship between us. It feels like I have got my best friend back again. It feels like we never split up. He told me that he has had 2 g/fs since me but that with both of them, he finished the relationships because after a while, he found himself unable to "perform" in bed unless he was thinking of me. This took me by complete surprise. This week, he told me he would be coming home for a break in Feb and would I like to go to dinner, that there would be no pressure on me for anything else if that wasn't what I wanted and that he totally respected me and wouldn't want to use me. He also said that he didn't want a relationship because of his work abroad. I thought about it and told him that getting over him was the hardest thing I had ever had to do and I wasn't sure I could do it again. I also said that if I was sat opposite him in a restaurant, I may fall for him all over again. He said he would be thinking the same. He has said he has sent me a Xmas present (which I haven't received yet). On the one hand, he seems to be repeating the pattern of wanting us to be together, but protecting himself by saying he doesn't want a relationship (so I assume I shouldn't have any expectations of him beyond our Feb dinner?). I don't want to get hurt all over again. I am totally confused and really need advice, here, guys. I don't know how to handle things. Link to post Share on other sites
CanadianBornCutie Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 I have been there i think that you two were both at a busy time in your lives.... and i ask the question that I have asked before....do you want to get back together with him? or do you just want a friendship? anyways, he kinda sounds like my guy (read previous posts) kind of afraid of commitment perhaps because he's abroad he can't find it to himself to settle down?? If you want to go to dinner with him go, but be it no pressure, there will be those feelings there, but try for that night at least to treat it like your reconciling with your best friend...not your ex-lover..... but if you are not comfortable....i would give yourself time...... if you do wish to reconcile one day.....tough as it may be.....your kind of on the right track......but it will take alot of time.... he probably will still be travelling abroad and stuff, i realized my guy's heart tho he still loves me belongs to what he does right now...... i hope this kinda helps? Link to post Share on other sites
CanadianBornCutie Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 the only way you can find out what he wants is to ask him.....then go with your feelings your heart and your concious..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted December 20, 2003 Author Share Posted December 20, 2003 The only thing I know for sure is that I don't ever want to go through the pain I went through again. Ofcourse, I still love him with all my heart. Seeing a photo of him that he sent me made me fancy him all over again. I don't see there's much point in asking him what he wants, I think he has told me (as I have written above) and that's what I am asking for help on. To decipher it. Any men out there who can assist? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 He also said that he didn't want a relationship because of his work abroad Tell him that as long as he doesn't want a relationship, you will keep your distance. Link to post Share on other sites
dazed Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 InLoKo: You have to ask yourself what do you truly want, what is best for you, and what does your heart tell you. If seeing him and/or restarting a relationship that has not addressed past problems will set you back, will it really be good? My advise, if you do decide to go, and if you do decide to restart your relationship address the problems that ended it the first time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted December 21, 2003 Author Share Posted December 21, 2003 Thanks, everyone, for your input. The truth is....I love him with all my heart. I always will. No-one will ever replace him in my heart. My friends tell me I am not quite the same person without him in my life, not as happy. Being with him brought a joy (and some pain) to me I have never experienced in my life (and I am no spring chicken!!). We are very good together, that is clear. I have spent the last 2 years getting on with my life. I didn't really expect him to come back into my life, even though I always knew he would never be able to meet anyone else and be as happy as he was with me (don't mean to sound arrogant but I just knew). Part of me thought that if I let him experience other relationships, he would realise what we had was special. What I don't want is to go back to where we were before - lack of commitment. I think I will tell him that as long as he doesn't want a relationship, we shouldn't meet up. Does anyone reading this think that he wants to get back with me but is scared in case it goes wrong, so is trying to protect himself by saying he doesn't want a relationship - or is that my wishful thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Dear Inloko, Hello, how are you? I am new to this site, and am still learning to navigate. I saw some of your posts and was wondering about your point of view. Then I saw the post about yourself. Your relationship sounds the same as mine, with a few differences. I think that you and your significant other have an excellent chance to reunite. I think it takes a lot for a person to admit that they still love the ex, after what you have gone through. Yes, we "get over it" and "move on" but those are just terms. What we get over is the PAIN but in honesty without some major difficulties the love always remains. It is what we do about it, or with it that matters. It sounds to me that your ex has the traditional fear of commitment. No matter what the spoken or given reason is, that it what it sounds like. He also loves you very much and doesn't know how to express it. His telling you about other g/fs is a way of saying " I've tried everything I could, (but) and I still love and want you." I myself have had to come to grips with this fear factor, and hope I can reunite with my s/o. It may take time, so be careful how you get him to see this. Some guys run when it is opened up. If he loves you like I think he does, he will begin to see the light. He wants you in his life and to his credit, is not pressuring you. He just has to make that big step. And from his actions he is saying he will NOT make it with anyone else but you. Believe it or not, that is good! I see where folks have asked you WHAT YOU WANT. I think you have made it clear, you want a loving relationship with him, and you don't want the PAIN. Stick to your guns about this and you will get it, from him!! Once we guys (decent ones anyway, and your guy sounds decent) "get it" we are usually willing to door give anything to make our s/o happy. Problem is, usually by that time we have driven them crazy or hurt with pain = and we're trying to get them back! You, at least have the door still open and you recognize where your heart really is. I can only hope my s/o feels the same as you do. We have been in a long term (over 10 yrs.) relationship and I feel the stresses and pain I put her through caused her to leave me. I can only hope that she is feeling like you have expressed about your ex. I think she does, but I am trying "no contact", so I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since Thanksgiving, and she has eliminated all contact. I write and send cards, but I am stopping that because after therapy and these posts, I realize more than ever she needs time and space to heal and to rediscover the desire to love "us" again. I was "following my heart" and although I was thinking I was being "rational and logical" - it still may have come across wrong to her and pushed her further away. I don't want to do that and although it is the hardest thing to do, I must stop reaching out to her in any way, at least now. I, like you, know she will never find what she has in us, so I don't fret that. I love her and want her to heal and grow, and then she can discover that that "new beginnings" can be made to work FOR the love and make it better and stronger - as long as both people want it to BE BETTER. And as long as both people are working at NOT doing the dysfunctional things that bring the hurt and pain. No love is without stress, problems and conflict - it is how we deal with it that either causes or removes pain. You sound like a great person who is in love and very much honest and in touch with yourself, good luck!! I think he will realize you are the "one" for him (he already has - he just doesn't know how to say it to you and commit, but he will; we ALL grow up!!) and do what you both need and want to. I can only hope and pray my ex gives me the chance you are giving him. With only a modicum of change, you abd he will be fine. And everything and everyone changes, it is just how we change with and for each other that matters. Best of luck, please keep me posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 3, 2004 Author Share Posted January 3, 2004 Thank you for your kind words. As you've "bumped" my thread up, I ought to give a slight update. We are still chatting 3/4 times a day on IM and emailing, and he still sends me pics (even if he's not in them...lol). We will be meeting for dinner and will no doubt work off "dessert"!! (There's no point in me fooling anyone here or trying to be coy). I am really looking forward to seeing him again, I can't wait. You're right when you say we get over the pain...I think the pain lessens considerably, in my experience, but never completely disappears. All my friends have said that I am not quite as happy as I was when I was with him, despite my best efforts....I think that is true. He made me feel complete, even when he was in another country. Without him in my life, I felt like my right arm was missing. Something you can get used to living without, but you always know it's not there - if that makes sense. I can't explain why I feel like this about him. He's not a brilliant man, not overly romantic, not outstanding in any specific way, and he can be infuriatingly withdrawn at times, but to me he just is.....there is no word I can use. He is my soft place to fall. So, having explained how I feel about him, how can I ever find anyone else? I "know" anyone else will always be second best. And I don't say that in a slushy way, nor am I in denial. My feet are firmly on the ground. It is something I just know. When you know in your mind you have met the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, how can you change your mind? It isn't an opinion of mine. It's a fact. (I'm saying this because it might give some guys an insight into how this woman feels...sorry if it's boring to others). I managed to get on with my life (although I almost didn't make it) and lived it happily. I did well at work and got promotions. What else can you do? Stop breathing? (I did consider that). I got hobbies, met people and socialised a little. It really wasn't easy but I did my best for me. Why do I want to potentially put myself through all that pain all over again? Simple. I love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Grace Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Dear Inloko. I have dated more commitment phobics to last a lifetime. I have read more books and talked to more people about it. Unfortunately, talking to this guy about it isn't going to get you anywhere, because he doesn't even understand it. When you two get too close, he freaks out. Commitment phobics get that closterphobic feeling and have to run. They're not thinking logically with their head. That's why they usually come back over and over and over again. Once they've had the distance, their fear fades and then they start thinking again. When they come back, they don't understand the hurt and pain they've cause a woman and want to pick up where they left off. You probably are the love of his life. When he says to you that he's not sure if he wants a serious commitment, it's his way of protecting both you and him. He doesn't want you two to get so close again, only to have to pull away from you. He's starting to realize his pattern and he doesn't want to hurt you. If he thinks you understand the concequences (sp?) of getting involved and then he pulls away, he then won't feel guilty knowing that he told you it might happen. He's protecting himself with the "but I told you from the beginning" clause. He's going to keep doing this over and over and over again. You'll get back with him and he'll pull away. People think commitment phobics don't want love when it's real love, but that's not true. They want it just as much as everyone else. They just get afraid once they get in too deep. Like I said, they don't even understand it. It has nothing to do with him not loving you enough or caring about you enough or you not being the one for him. It has nothing to do with you. It's all in his head. He'll never be able to have a healty relationship unless he overcomes it. Anyway, look for the book "Why Men Won't Commit" by Weinberg. I found it helpful. It teaches you how to communicate and act in a commitment phobic relationship, minimalizing their fears. Proceed with caution with this guy and take it really really super duper slow. I know you have a fear of getting involved with him again, but you know you are tempted to cause you love him. Just be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 3, 2004 Author Share Posted January 3, 2004 I have also read all the books about commitment-phobics. Unfortunately, I didn't discover them until it was too late last time. I know what I am doing this time around: nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 How are things going? I was reading a recent post by Marty McFly, perhaps you could lend him some input from the feminine side. Have you guys decided to give it a real try yet? I read your last post about doing nothing and I was curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 4, 2004 Author Share Posted January 4, 2004 I have sent you a PM. I don't want to bore anyone here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 Update: On IM yesterday, my ex asked me if I wanted to go to an exhibition with him, whilst he's over. He goes every year (boys' stuff). He said he knows it's not something I am interested in but I may enjoy some of the displays, etc. I was very good and paused a little before I replied and said casually "Yes, can do". I was very proud of myself. And they say women are complicated!! Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Have you had you guys had your dinner out yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 He's not back until the end of January. Which is why I'm surprised he also invited me to the exhibition, before we've even had our dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 InLoKo its your thread, we are reading it as we want to hear your story - you arent boring anyone!! Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 I guess I was asking because I think you should be careful about that "dessert," and maybe even skipping that part all together. The dessert would probably bring you guys dramatically closer very quickly, which could bring two problems. One, it will put you completely back into it emotionally after you've spent a lot of time healing. Two, he will feel much closer as well, and if he hasn't changed his pattern, establishing that emotional bond so quickly may push him back yet again. He's the one with the problem being close, so he needs to chase you. In fact, in my completely UNexpert opinion, it seems like he needs to feel like he's chasing you, even if it's just a slight feeling, for a quite a while. As long as he feels that he doesn't have you "in his pocket," then he'll be less likely to feel like there's some huge "commitment" that he has to run from. I've said it to someone else on this forum that you're not going to make a guy lose his feelings for you by not having sex with him (and if it does you don't want him anyway), but you better believe that you're sending a powerful statement and will probably drive him crazy for you if he's expecting it and finds out he's not getting it. If you go out with him, and are looking and smelling great, and you are the friend who connects with all his emotional points like you used to, and he also realizes you're not in the palm of his hand because of the things he's done, I think the payoff for you will be MUCH greater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 NO PUDDING??? What....none at all? I'm not sure about that. You are definitely right about the chasing me. He responds well when I let him to do that. But no dessert? I haven't had dessert for soooo long. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Did I miss something? Inloko, I am so happy for you, it sounds like it is just a matter of time and timing and you guys will be well on your way to reestablishing things.!! You go, girl!! He IS chasing you, and the casualness of it should not fool you. He wants you badly, even if it takes time. Have the dessert, you guys are long term and know each other intimately. The familiarity is also a great turn on! It is one reason he's back!! Once you've had champagne, you can't go to drinking plain old wine, it won't do!! Just be mindful of Marty's advice, and keep your eyes as open as you can, and make sure you guys at least try to have some sort of idea, plan, or chart to your direction. Enjoy the love you guys have, and the rediscovery of it all. He may still be working on things, and is everything from skeptical to scared - but isn't it better going through this together?! and even in this condition, he wants to work through this with you, and that is a very good thing. Talk to you later, best of everything to you both!! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Hey Inloko, Is this guy the same one you said kept calling even though you weren't so nice over the phone? The guy you said you'd have given anything to have him pursue you in the beginning, but felt differently about now? Just curious. And if it is, when did your feelings change, and why? If not, then is this the guy that you know is your soulmate? Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 OK, sorry folks, I'm standing firm here. It is true, when you're older and also when you've been with someone for such a long time, sex probably doesn't have as much of an emotional bond. However, I still think that, in any culture and at any age, it can be an extremely powerful weapon. Think of it this way: sex is the one major thing that can be withheld from someone (for a while) without driving them away. If you withhold your feelings, act distant to him, or don't act like the best friend he always had, then he probably would be less interested. However, if he has a wonderful evening with the woman he is again realizing that he loves so much, and the evening ends with a warm kiss and a "see you later", he will be left craving so much more (a good thing). If he gets to have the intimacy, then he's basically just gotten back the entire relationship and he didn't have to do a single thing to get it except a phone call. He doesn't have to stop playing the games. He gets to have his cake (and pudding ) and eat it too. Without the hookup, he will be left tossing and turning in bed (painfully aware that he is alone) all night thinking about how he really needs to do what's necessary to get the entire relationship back. Let him know what you require from him, and I would bet there will be many more opportunities for pudding in the long term. Consider it an investment. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you got a call the next day for another evening out that very night. That's just my opinion, but I guess I could be totally wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Hey Marty, I agree with you, good friend - it is just in this case, I think they are well beyond the preliminaries. However, your advice definitely rings true! And Inloko should keep her eyes open. I think from their prior contacts, they are able to handle it. I do believe that sex is a powerful tool (not weapon, ladies) and every means necessary should be employed to straighten out things before making moves of any sort. every effort made to make things right, and to work at the sources of the problems. If this means no pudding, then no pudding until you are sure the other party is also working toward the same goals you have set as a couple. Sex for sex's sake is shallow, hollow and empty. Sex with the one you love however, is quite a different story. Sorry if I wasn't exactly clear on that before. In any case, I think Inloko has it pretty much together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 Originally posted by mandrews1119 In any case, I think Inloko has it pretty much together. Oh no I don't!! I'm in turmoil now. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldfingerCymru Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Just keep your mind open to all the possibilities that may/may not occur. I would say 'go with your heart', but from my recent experience it doesn't seem to work. Just be honest when you see him, only you know him well enough to know 'face to face' what he may want from you and if he is willing to meet you half way. Phonecalls and e-mail is so impersonal, personal contact is best as you can see if they are sincere or not. Regards Alan Link to post Share on other sites
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