What does he want from me?

[mandrews1119]

Hey there,

I think you should do as Goldfinger says, follow your heart, but use your head. The difference this time around is that both of you have the knowledge of the situation that you didn't have before. That is a great tool to unlock your future relationship together. You love him, and he wants a relationship from you, the question is what will you guys decide to do mutually? If it is something you both can feel comfortable with, then that is a start. If it isn't you have the option to opt out without too much pain, your eyes are open and this time you are making a serious blueprint to follow. He may make feelers too, but I don't think he can be anything except straight up with you Inloko - that is the benefit of having been together before. You can start at a level that works for the two of you. If that is working on his fears, and yours as well - at least you are even AT THAT POINT!! I for one can only wish, hope and pray I get that chance. That is an advantage for you both. He is lucky you are even responsive. I read on another post that at these points, sometime women refuse to even respond at these stages, as they are either NOT in love with us anymore, or TRYING to convince themselves they are not still in love with us. I think if the love is still there then most of the percentages lie with the trying to prove they aren't side. You, Inloko, are not in this stage, in fact you are honest and strong enough to admit the love bond that exists. That in itself is a major step. Knowing that you will NOT accept the hurt as happened before is too!! Now all you must do is chart a course that conforms to this - with both of you with eyes wide open and a direction to work toward. What more can any 2nd chance want - in order to start down that road to reunification! You know he has fears, try to get yourselves to a point to acknowledge both of your feelings and fears, and try to work on them together, taking as much time (within a framework of both of your choosing) as you need without rushing or delaying. The "fun" part is that this brings a kind of openess and honesty that may not have existed before. You can even joke about whether you are going too fast or too slow, and what your comfort levels are. This is where the familiarity pays off, big time. I think this would be harder to do with a stranger. I think you are in a good, albeit delicate place. The mere fact that you guys have gravitated back towards each other is wonderful. He has already volunteered that he hasn't found the connection or chemistry with anyone else - so what do you think he's saying? He's saying - " I know I can never find anyone I could love as I do you, but I'm a guy so I can't really just say that. Please help me! I want to try, but I'm not quite sure as to how tro reach out. I know I had to 'feel' my way back and see how you were faring. Can we try? OOPS!! I'm a guy, I didn't really say that did I?"

[InLoKo]

He hasn't said he wants to get back together with me again. He has said he wants to have dinner, but is NOT looking for a relationship. So how is he going to agree to work on anything?? He isn't, is he. He doens't even know he has a commitment problem. All I know is that he and I have a bond, but my love maybe just one-sided. He may not love me at all.

[mandrews1119]

Right with you Goldfinger!! I think the electronic ways are so impersonal, but they give people a comfort level of impersonalness and distance. It also is a weapon and can be cold and cruel. My s/o would drop a 'bomb" via e-mail, then refuse to accept my replies. I then wrote longhand. I guess part of the intent was to maintain "no contact , but also to give me a little pain as to whether or not she was even reading my letters. I stopped trying to e-mail, and occasionally we would talk on the phone. She would go back and forth and be angry with me, and also admit we could be together, but that the pain was stressing her. I figured I'd just write and let her know how I felt from an honest perspective, so I used another ISP with the same e-mail name so she'd know it was me. She read a few, then shut down the site. I feel the pain is still to prevalent, so I have decided to give her more time and space to heal enough so that we may begin a dialogue when she is able to. I have to agree with some of the experts when they say that if there was love, and especially if it were long term, you ARE BEING read.! I also think she wants to see if I am still in love enough to continue to reach out. She and I have both been of the theory that the sometimes pain of the known (especially when the messages are not bad news and primarily about love and reconciliation), are better than the pain and agony of not knowing. I think my own s/o is trying to prove to herself (and whomever else) that she doesn't love or is letting time help her heal. Time will tell, won't it. I also think "no contact" in this case is also being used as a weapon, but I will respect it even though my heart sends the occasional card or letter which I am eliminating. I trhink and hope she realizes that nothing beats a failure but a try. When and if she is ready, I wll be there waiting, that is all I can do at this point. Best of wishes to everyone.

[mandrews1119]

He is just wanting you to be the one to make the move. Why go through all the trouble of contacting you, trying to see you - to say what? Hello, nice to see you? Why else would he tell you that he hasn't found chemistry anywhere else? You could do that over the phone! Suggest, but don't beg or grovel. Be upfront and ask at this "dinner" what he wants, or thinks he wants. Let him know that from your past and your feelings that you aren't going to play the friends game if you don't want to. To get over his fears (and tactfully let him know YOU know he has fears) he has to be willing to help you with your feelings too. If he is just looking for that ego trip or conquest, let him know you have to be happy too in order to even maintain contact with him. He must commit to some level, even small. You can even try this over the phone or e-mail if you want to get a quick "heads-up". You don't have to ultimatum him to feel the pulse. Let him know honestly you aren't going to just waste time to feel each other out, but you can and will be cordial and have a dinner or two. Tell him you refuse to just let yourself be hurt, and he will have to respect and be aware of that. Knowing all that, then ask him what his intentions are. Tell him even friendships have ground rules and expectations.

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by mandrews1119

He is just wanting you to be the one to make the move.

 

How do you know this? Is this man-speak?

 

Originally posted by mandrews1119

Why go through all the trouble of contacting you, trying to see you - to say what? Hello, nice to see you? Why else would he tell you that he hasn't found chemistry anywhere else?

 

I'm a very nice person!! He cares about me, we were best friends for a very long time. I don't have a clue why he told me about the chemistry thing.

 

Originally posted by mandrews1119

Suggest, but don't beg or grovel. Be upfront and ask at this "dinner" what he wants, or thinks he wants.

What am I supposed to suggest? If I ask what he wants, he'll say just to catch up or just to be friends or he doesn't want a relationship.

 

Originally posted by mandrews1119

Let him know honestly you aren't going to just waste time to feel each other out, but you can and will be cordial and have a dinner or two. Tell him you refuse to just let yourself be hurt, and he will have to respect and be aware of that. Knowing all that, then ask him what his intentions are. Tell him even friendships have ground rules and expectations.

God, that's very scary. It would have been so much easier if he hadn't contacted me at all. Argh!

[mandrews1119]

Inloko,

Just keep asking him why are we here. Regardless of the initial responses, ask him why. If he just wanted a "friendship" - he has others to choose from. The fact that the chemistry is there and GREAT mind you means there is something more here. Yes, it is manspeak. Tell him to be honest, or not play with your feelings. Be as honest and direct as you can, and don't give in or back down. He is afraid to approach the reality of what his heart and mind are screaming at him, and as men, often we have to be made aware. After you have made your point, don't press it, let it sink in. Enjoy the dinner and be cordial and let him know you had a great time, enjoyed the chemistry, but won't wait forever. Ask him how he'd feel if you WEREN'T there, and relax. He'll have gotten the message. Not that you are leaving him for, or are seeking others, you may even enjoy remaining single, but let him know you won't just dangle, he HAS to give you a good honest reason, especially if you want more. With us blockheads, you HAVE to communicate, even if it seems like he is running or not getting it. hopefully after a little reflection, he will realize you desreve better, and from him if you want it.

[InLoKo]

Right....here's my plan. (Yes, it's taken me all this time to think it through). When he comes back for the reconciliation, I'm not going to have any conversations about us (because I'm fed up with thinking about it and it's getting me down). I am just going to enjoy the dinner and the exhibition and have a good time and laugh. When he's back overseas, he can spend time thinking about me and maybe missing me and we can perhaps talk about things, if he chooses to see me again. That way, I am just treating it like a date. Nothing heavy. No pressure on either of us.

[reasontosigh]

Sounds like a plan to me!

 

As you can now see, I am also following this thread with interest.

[InLoKo]

On Sunday evening, he came round (as planned). We went to dinner at our favourite restaurant only to discover that it had been put up for sale. He said "We'll just have to find somewhere else to start going to" (which made me think "So there'll be more dinners?" - but I said nothing). He mentioned that he may be coming down again in a couple of weeks time, but nothing definite yet. We had a lovely evening. Went back to my place and went to bed (as planned). Fast forward to the morning.

 

I did us both breakfast, then dropped him off in town (as had arranged a short meeting). I spent the morning fixing his computer for him, as he'd asked me. The post arrived and I had a Valentine's card from him, posted on Friday. It said: To My Valentine.....there's only one thing I love more than Valentine's Day....... (inside)And that's Valentine's Night.....(he had written) Ummm...now there's a thought XXX. When he came back to my place, I thanked him for the card and he teased that he hadn't sent it and asked what it said. I couldn't remember and said "Oh, something about favourite day is Valentine's day."

 

I showed him some of the things I had fixed and at that moment, we both saw he had received an email from his ex-gf (they split up last Sept after a few months). I went out to the kitchen and noticed he had read it, when I came back. He went out of the room, so I quickly read it (no lectures here please). It said that she knew she had hurt him, that she loved him very much and that she wanted the chance to explain face to face. That she would call in 10 mins (but I don't know when the email was sent so she could have called already) and that if he agreed, she would fly over to see him on Friday. My heart sank.

 

We then headed off to the exhibition and en route, I asked if he was still in contact with his ex. He said sort of. I asked if it was on friendly terms and he said it hadn't been lately. I said I wasn't going to pretend I didn't know she had emailed him. I asked if he wanted to get back with. He said no, because he didn't want to. A few minutes later, he caught me staring out of the car window and asked what I was thinking about. I replied nothing. He asked if I was thinking about his ex emailing and I said not directly, but connected to it. He asked if I was going to tell him. So I said I was thinking how much he had moved on since we were together and how it wasn't something I had considered. I tried hard not to let my voice crack. During other conversation he commented that I had changed and seemed calmer. I said he had changed to.

 

We arrived at the exhibition, which wasn't that good so we didn't stay long. On the walk back to the car I commented that on a clear day we could see a particular tourist spot from where we were walking, and that I had never been. He said he had never been either and said that next time we must both go to see it. On the drive back he also said we should go to another tourist spot that we passed in the car. As we neared my place, I said "Well I guess this is it for 3 months". He said "yes, I guess it is". Then I said "Oh but you might be down in a couple of weeks". He said yes. We spent about an hour more at my house (Monday evening) and then he got his stuff together. I walked him to the door, he put his bags down, put his arms around my waist and kissed my 2-3 times. (He has never done that before - he always used to just kiss me and leave.) I said take good care, won't you. He said yes I will. And he left.

 

Later that night, I re-read the Valentine's card and realised that he was suggesting we spend Valentine's evening together. I could have kicked myself. I simply didn't see it at first. No wonder he asked me what it said. So the next day, I sent him a txt (Tuesday morning) saying I had been a bit of a blonde and hadn't realised what the card meant, that Valentine's night would be great. I got no reply.

 

At 9.30am this morning, I got a txt from him saying "Good Morn, How r u?". An hour later I replied "Fine thx, hows u". Then nothing. So an hour later, I decided I was fed up with messaging having spent weeks doing it, (unable to use telephones in the country where he works) so I called him. We were chatty, but I felt awkward. After small talk, I asked if he'd got my txt about the Valentine's card yesterday, at first he said no and what did it say. I started to tell him and he said "Oh yes, I did get it". So I asked if he still wanted to meet Valentine's day and he said he would have to check where he was going to be and when, he couldn't see why not, let him check....I said to let me know because it was a week on Saturday and if we wanted to go anywhere, we would have to book now. He said he would let me know. Somehow I now feel that I have invited him on Valentine's Day, when according to the card, it was his idea (And why did he send the card so early? To coincide with his visit?? Why did he txt me this morning?)

 

I think that's all the details you need. I feel like I've screwed it up now. I am beginning to wonder whether this is the right thing to do, but my feelings for him are still drawing me in. I feel like I have to play the waiting game. Any insights from men? Can any guys understand and explain any of this to me?

[GoldfingerCymru]

Inloko,

 

You haven't screwed up. Your doing what I would have done if my ex came back like that.

 

If I can be honest, it sounds like he knows he has 2 women both wanting him/his attention. Some people get off on that (male and female).

 

I'll give advice that I probably couldn't take myself - and that is to play it as cool as your heart will allow.

 

His responses sound to me like he plans more with you, then whump! comes off as a bit cold when you are not with him.

 

Is he the type to play you along for his own benefit ?? (ie. to get what he wants when he is with you). Only you will know him well enough to know that.

 

Sorry can't help more.

[mandrews1119]

Hey there, Inloko,

 

How are you, my dear? No, you didn't screw up, not at all!! I'm with Goldfinger, you did exactly as most of us would have done with the return of an ex that you still love. He has screwed up! It sounds as if he just wants to know where he stands with you, for what reasons - I don't know - I don't think it is my place to say, you would know better than us fellow LS posters. Maybe it is an ego trip, maybe he has the commitment fear, maybe he is just unsure, I cannot say. It sounds as if he was just making sure he had someone to be with Valentine's night, and that could/would/should be you, for whatever his REAL reasons are.

 

It is probably best that you wound up responding like you did about V-Day and the card. Let him make the offer and the commitment to spend it with you if that is what he wants. you have done more than enough by even being available! All of us guys WISH our exes/S.O.'s were as open as you are, and willing to at least listen!

 

The question is WHY is he acting this way? Is he trying to see if you still have feelings for him? Is he trying to hedge his bets in case some "other" plans for V-Day go wrong? Is he being cautious about reuniting with you? Is he afraid? Is he shy? Is he ego-tripping? This is what you must find out, and in your OWN way, Inloko! Don't take anyone's advice here, but do glean the meaning and intent of what responses you get. If you feel the best way is to play it cool, then play it cool. If you feel you want responses RIGHT NOW about his intentions - then do so.! The question remains - what the hell does he want? He owes it to you to answer that, for both of your sakes. Let him know you are not going to play games about it, or risk hurting yourself or him in this process. If he is sincere, he will respond sicerely and with a course of action or plan that accomodates you both, no matter what that is. Whether you play it cool or not, that is what must be dealt with. Let him know honestly what you are thinking and feeling, and what you see the options as. If not, he will continue to hedge. It doesn't mean do or die, but a good honest assesment of where you are and where you both are going to take things at this stage. If he can't or won't give you at least that, then you know the deal isn't on the up and up.! You can then plan and adjust things accordingly. If you need a "reason" to back you up, let him know that this is how you guys got to this junction in the first place and you have no intention of going backwards or sideways. He MUST respond to this, and you will know how to proceed, no matter which way that becomes. I respect your honesty and your dedication, all the best for you from me.

[InLoKo]

Have just spoken to him very briefly via Chat and apparently, I have misread his card. It wasn't a suggestion for us to spend Valentine's together.

[Lil Lola]

i would have taken the valentines day card the same way you did. sounds like he is just backtracking. : (

[mandrews1119]

Inloko,

He is backtracking, and trying to feel out things with you in case other things don't fall his way. Guess what? When you make contact with an ex, and especially the type of contact you guys have had, either you are willing to try - or NOT. I don't know WHY he is doing this, you know the situation better than we all out here in cyberspace ever could, but keep your distance, especially emotionally. When you have had enough, just tell him you would prefer that he keep his distance from you until he is ready to do a lot more than play childish games with your feelings. If he wants to risk losing you, then that is his choice. I'm not saying give up, but I think you need to clear the air with him about YOUR feelings. If he cares, he will take heed, if not you'll get some BS and you can put it in file 13. Best of luck, my dear.

[InLoKo]

Thanks for all your responses. At least I know I'm not going mad!!

 

Received a txt from him at lunchtime saying "Hey u wotcha doing today". I responded a few hours later "Hey back at ya"

 

In the meantime, I have ordered the book "Why Men Love Bitches: - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship " I am going to become a super-bitch!! No more Miss Nice Girl for me.

[Grace]

InLoko,

 

You definitely did not screw it up. It sounds to me that after he got back in touch with his ex, he changed his mind. If he wants to be with you on V-Day, he's not going to just forget about it, just like you wouldn't. When someone is really in love with someone, they're not going to just reneg or forget. You've done all you can do at this point. You've point out let him know that you misread the card and you want to be with him. If the situation was reversed and you had sent the card to him, you'd be looking for an answer and you wouldn't give up until you got one. Why? Because you're in love with him. This whole situation is too complicated and you have so much doubt about every little thing that you do. Love shouldn't be this complicated.

 

It sounds to me that he has feelings for 2 different women. If he bows out or blows you off for V-Day, I can bet you a million I know where he'll be...and you know too.

 

I'm not trying to sound hurtful, but just open to the possibility. It sounds like this guy does have a love for you, but is he madly and passionately in love with you? If you have to ask or question it, then you already have an answer. When someone really loves you, then you won't have any doubts. When a person is really in love, there is no confusion about who they want to be with. It doesn't mean that this can't work out for you, but right now it sounds like he is confused about what he's feeling for two different women. My advice would be to stop contacting him and let him come to you. If you leave him alone, it will give him the space to decide what/who he wants.

[NEONINK]

ooooo.... you don't want to become a bitch. You sound very nice.

 

The main problem here is... you never stopped loving him and truly opened your heart so that someone else could see you.

 

Emotional availability Sister! He's not and neither are you.

 

Is that the kind of life you want for yourself? I doubt it. Once you open your heart back up... someone deserving may just find you.

[InLoKo]

The end of my story?

 

I just had the following chat in Msn Chat...

 

Him: "Oh and one not so small point, My ex used this leap year to pop the question the other day when i saw her, i said yes"

 

Good luck everyone.

[lost_in_chgo]

It's not over until the fat lady sings inloko.

 

I had an ex that accepted a proposal, left me, and then rethought it and came back to me. We were together for several years after that, though it didn't work out in the long run, we are still friends.

[InLoKo]

I can't remember being more devastated in my life. What's the point of it all??

[lost_in_chgo]

Give it some time. You will feel better. Something may happen to change his mind.

 

Then of course, you may meet someone else.

[mandrews1119]

Hey Inloko,

At least you know WHY he was waffling and hanging on and NOT commiting. He probably had this other thing going on while he was trying to keep things "warm" with you. I agree with lost, in that he may find the grass is not greener as he may think it is now, and may return. He may also be trying to see where he stands with you and or the ex he is referring to. time will tell, and it dependes on what YOU choose to do with the time. Work on you, and stay strong. My guess is he will be back, we shall see.

[monkey]

Inloko seems more likely to progress than me, can totally the opposit happen when all seems lost, i hope so.

Sometimes, as bad as it may sound, the grass being greener, we hope that they find out the hard way, bad as it may sound,

My s/o is back in Europe &i accidentally found out, wish i hadn't, she's now in her home with all her friends, probably slagging me off to her friends saying of my illness & how bad it was for her, not thinking about how bad it was for me, i mean i was the one suffering.

It's 1 year since we were there & she was crying to her mum when i had to retrurn to England, just for 2 weeks, can it change so radically. Or is it current emotions & no space, i don't know!

[InLoKo]

No, I know he wasn't seeing her whilst he was keeping me "warm", as you put it. I read her surprise email, remember. That was definitely out of the blue. I am numb, devastated, etc, etc. But, I know this: he will never, ever set eyes on me again. Not in this lifetime. I understand things happen. But what I cannot get over is the cruel and callous, cowardly way with which he told me. I deserve far better than that. I am trying hard not to think bad things about him as I believe what goes around comes around and I don't want it coming back on me.

 

I hope that when the pain and anger subsides, I can just move on and forget. I just wish I could understand what lesson I have learnt through all this.

[reasontosigh]

Originally posted by InLoKo

I hope that when the pain and anger subsides, I can just move on and forget. I just wish I could understand what lesson I have learnt through all this.

 

In time, you will understand. I know you will.

 

{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}

 

 

Originally posted by InLoKo

In the meantime, I have ordered the book "Why Men Love Bitches: - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship " I am going to become a super-bitch!! No more Miss Nice Girl for me.

 

Just sent myself a memo to pick this book up with my next paycheck!