you think your doing something nice

[PWSX3]

So this last Sunday was my G/F's birthday. Her 10yr old son also has a birthday on the 15th so she said they more or less share the two together so I wanted to make sure her b-day was special for her.

 

So I get her a cross necklace & my son wrapped it in a MUCH bigger box, which had another smaller box, then another, etc. (6 boxes in all) until she got to the box the necklace was in. She thought that was funny but had shared with me that she hadn't open a present in over 10yrs because her ex would take her & the boys shopping, she showed them what she wanted & they bought it & gave it to her in the bag, so she was excited I think with the wrapped package.

 

I also made her breakfast (french toast, Sausage, orange juice) in bed which she has never had before, then for lunch I made spaghetti which she requested along with her favorite desert, cherry cheese cake....

 

You would think someone would be over excited with everything I did but she really didn't seem that excited. She later explained she was overwhelmed & didn't think she deserved all the attention....

 

So my question is; is this normal for those that haven't been treated like normal to be overwhelmed & is not showing overwhelming joy normal??????

 

I would have thought she would have been overjoyed with all the attention & extra effort that was put into making it a special day for her.....

 

We have also been having a little issue with touch, I like a lot more touch then she does.

 

Does maybe these two things go hand in hand or are they two different situations???????

[McGrupp]

she's distancing herself. if you want to keep her interest up, you should do the same.

 

she probably just feels extremely overwhelmed. take a step back.

[Gunny376]

Women who have come to accept the status quo of previous LTR relationship, can be overwhelmed by such when they enter into new relationships and the whole inner dynamics change.

 

Especially if they previously had been in boring ho-hum, non-romantic relationships.

 

And so I would say that in your particular case the two do go hand-in-hand. I would suggest you sloooooowwwww down, and not rush things. She's going to need to sometime to get use to the new dynamics. It should be a 'push-pull, one step forward two step backward type of dance almost, (for lack of a better way to describe it)

 

It also involves "anticipation" and the more building such. Many women just have never experienced what you did Perry ~ many men haven't a clue as to how to truly be romantic. It involves little things, and includes tailoring the seduction to the individual.

 

Also to many women ~ touching means one thing and one thing only ~ sex. Every man she's ever known may have sent the message that "OK, I'll do a little cuddling for five minutes or so, and then we're going to make like rabbits.

 

Most women need a mental and emotional connection in order to be intimate. Thus the old line about "Just hold me"

 

My last LTR GF once pushed me away when I tried to get to frisky with her too fast, (aka ~ a quickie ) and told me, "Oh NO! Its doesn't come that easy! You've got to work for it!"

 

I would suggest you slow down ~ take your time. You need to teach her that your touch doesn't mean sex.

 

Also I would suggest you read "The Five Languages of Love" Or at least read up about it some via the Internet. One 'language" is obviously "Touch" but if she's oral, (Get your mind out of the gutter! ) Then you need to be talking and listening more than your touching. If she's visual, you should be showing her, more than touching.

 

Its entirely possible that its her touch of smell that arouses here senses, (not just sensual but everything about her life.) Women have about 10,000 more olfactory cells than men. Which is why their always going on about such and such smelling so nice, go on and on about scented candles, potporri etc.

 

I'd be willing to bet if you went to WalMart to the Art and Craft sectrion had spend less than $20 a Rival Potporri pot, (essenially a mini slow cooker for hold liquid potporri) you would get bit millage out of that than the diamond cross, (think outside the box, take attention to what she likes and doesn't.)

 

From your description of her? She sounds like a combination oral and smell type of gal rather than a touch type.

 

BTW? Her celerbrating her and her son's BD on the same? That's how her X handled it ~ which is probally why he's her X?

 

Don't make the mistake of celbrating the "Major Five" but to celerbrate "LIFE" and to give throughout the year, "Just Because" but once you've identified her 'love languages"

 

You don't even have to wrap it up in pretty paper and bows. "Here I found this and thought you might like it?" I did that once with a simple silver pillbox I found at Walgreens while looking for something. I bought it, put a small folded up post it note wrapped up in it with those very words. slipped into her purse.

 

For a month I could do no wrong. Its the little things that count as much the big things!

 

You want to think outside of the box. You want to tailor your seduction, (that's right I said the "S" word) to her and her alone.

 

But your moving to fast with her and she's telling you such in that she was overwhelmed. Its not that she doesn't appreciate it, its that's she un-accustomed to it (aka the X) Its not that she doesn't appreciate it ~ its that she doesn't trust you ~ something you've got to earn my Man!

 

Mind you! Your not just dating her? Your dating her X and every man that buffloed her before. Your dating the sum of her life experiences.

[2.50 a gallon]

I think the key word here might be expectations. You are wanting her to react in a way you can predict.

 

The relationship ship is less than a year old, so in a way you are still checking each other out. It takes times to explore and build a relationship.

 

You both have been married and divorced, so each of you are bringing your own baggage into the relationship. This is neither good or bad. Just being realistic.

 

As to the touch, at least she has let you know her bounderies. With time you might be able to get her to expand her bounderies.

[Itried]

Like the Marine said, the five languages of love is a good read. I tried to explain all that to my current estranged wife to no avail.....

 

Anyway, I had a similar experience with my wife, I tried to make Valentines as romatic as possible but it was not recieved well at all.....she basically ignored what I had done.

 

I laid out a single rose from the foyer to the stairs, up the stairs into the bedroom and into the master bath. At that point it transistioned to a path of rose petals to the bath, filled with warm, oiled bath water and candels flickering.....I was so disappointed. I didn't know if she was overwhelmed and didn't know how to react so she chose to ignore everything or what....well, it appeared she really didn't have an emotional connection with me or want one.

 

We men try to assess and analyze situations using logic and that doesn't seem to work when dealing with emotions and feelings.

 

I really don't have much to offer but hope.

[trippi1432]

PW - you did a sweet and valiant thing for her...if you don't continue being you in the relationship to show her the good side of a relationship, then you haven't given the best that you can.

 

My mother never had anyone treat her good until her 3rd marriage...yes, and now she is spoiled. But, he loves spoiling her and she does the same in return because she learned it from him. Every once in a while I remind just how lucky she is.

 

You get what you give and you reap what you sow.

[curiou]

I'm not sure how long you have been together, but I think there is such a thing as overwhelming someone, especially if this is not a long-term relationship and it is early. It kind of puts strain on the relationship and raises expectations that maybe the other party is not ready for.

 

I don't know if this idea is applicable in this scenario.

[PWSX3]

Gunny I have read 5 love languages & I might need to read it again.

I also agree with you on lot of what you shared. She shared with me once when I tried giving her a back rub that it always lead to something else, she couldn't just get a back rub. I do feel she has learned that we can touch without it having to end in sex.

 

For those that wanted to know, we have been dating for 9 months now. Yes maybe I do need to slow it down & just enjoy what we do have.....

 

When she grew up her mom always put her down, she could never do anything right in her mom's eyes & I think that was the same in her marriage.

 

I guess God is teaching me more patiences since I'm not good at that at ALL!!!

 

Thanks for all the replies, it gives me a lot to think about.

[trippi1432]

Gunny I have read 5 love languages & I might need to read it again.

I also agree with you on lot of what you shared. She shared with me once when I tried giving her a back rub that it always lead to something else, she couldn't just get a back rub. I do feel she has learned that we can touch without it having to end in sex.

 

For those that wanted to know, we have been dating for 9 months now. Yes maybe I do need to slow it down & just enjoy what we do have.....

 

When she grew up her mom always put her down, she could never do anything right in her mom's eyes & I think that was the same in her marriage.

 

I guess God is teaching me more patiences since I'm not good at that at ALL!!!

 

Thanks for all the replies, it gives me a lot to think about.

 

PW - You keep doing what you are doing and ignore ignorant posters here. Any man that would treat his woman nice is much better than those bitter posters who try to intervene. If you don't give love, you don't get love. Hugs!!

[2.50 a gallon]

PW

 

I was once in you GF's shoes, with the first Christmas with my former fiance. We were just about half a year into becoming a couple.

 

I was used to Christmas with my family, exchange a few gifts, Christmas day was a family feast.

 

Along comes the girl who would be my fiance. Hey, we were in real love, I think I bought her 4 - 5 gifts, and my parents gave her one. She shows up at my place with half of Santa's sleigh. I was dumbfounded.

 

Christmas day we spent with her family. Her parents had bought me 3 gifts, and her brother and sister threw in another. I really wasn't ready for that. Christmas at her parents place was a party, after the feast, drinks were mixed, somebody would start singing a Christmas carol and everybody joined it. We went off and paid a visit with some of her relatives, were I began to meet more of her cousins. The family ran long in girl cousins, and there wasn't an ugly one in the family. All who had to give me a hug and an occasional kiss on the cheek.

 

Then back to her parents place, where more family came by, I got more hugs. The biggest shock was one of her aunts gave my butt a squeeze and announced to the family that my fiance she was right I did have a cute butt. I about died. They saw how embarrased I was and didn't let up, now all of the cousins had to confirm my fiances good choice in butts.

 

When the question came up the following year, which of our parents would we spend Christmas with, there was no contest. This time I was prepared.

[Gunny376]

A due consideration is fibromyalgia, she may have it and not even know it. Basically MD's and scientiest think its over-active nerve endings throughout the body that just cause aches and some serious pain. So much that anyone touching another afflicted with such immediately sends them into severe pain. A lot of women have it.

 

Of course a lot of who were is the sum total of who we've been, and with whom we've been in contact and in relationships with.

 

Her X sounds like a "classic" @zzhat ~ "GD I know its your birthday, now hurry up and pick something out ~ the GD game is on in an hour and half!"

 

Sound like Mom did a real job on her as well ~

 

Take your time, slow down.

 

In touching? Stay away as much as you can from anything sensual areas. Foot massages are good as are the inner wrist. (A lot of women because of the line of work they tend to fall into? Have [COLOR=#3366cc]Carpal Tunnel Syndrome[/COLOR] Be very slow and very gentle.)

 

We teach people how to treat us ~ and we teach people how to teach us how to treat them.

[Gunny376]

Like the Marine said,

[tryagaintoday]

OP, just want to say to be careful of the 'nice guy syndrome' - Doing things and just to expect something or reaction....

 

maybe I'm getting it wrong. If so, someone pls correct me.

[Gunny376]

OP, just want to say to be careful of the 'nice guy syndrome' - Doing things and just to expect something or reaction....

 

maybe I'm getting it wrong. If so, someone pls correct me.

 

That's not Perry nor me? We're tying to get it right!

[PWSX3]

OP, just want to say to be careful of the 'nice guy syndrome' - Doing things and just to expect something or reaction....

 

maybe I'm getting it wrong. If so, someone pls correct me.

This was me with the former wife, I would do something hoping for something in return but in counseling this was something I really worked on & now I feel so much different when I do something nice for her.......

 

I do have to admit part of my trouble is I have a great imagination & so I think things threw & when they don't turn out like "I" think they should I get disappointed so that is something I see now so I'm working on that as well & I think that is helping me with the doing something for something in return theory.

[dgiirl]

PW, it's really hard to know for sure what's going on unless you speak with her or wait it out.

 

I think the dynamics you described are pretty common in relationships. I can see myself reacting like that for various reasons.

 

1) She might have been truly overwhelmed by all the attention and perhaps it made her a little uncomfortable. If she was uncomfortable she wouldn't know how to react and might come off as a little cold. (been there, done that)

 

2) She might be having second thoughts about your relationship. If she's pulling back a little, which could be an indication why she is pulling back touch, then you showing her even more attention could have made her uncomfortable.

 

3) As someone else suggested, you might have come across as "too nice" with all the gifts and attention. I think both gender has had the experience of being with someone who is "too nice". It's a weird psychological dynamic. We want our mate to be a nice person, and treat us nicely, but we also want to know that we cannot take advantage of them. If we think we can take advantage of someone, they tend to come off as desperate and we tend to lose respect for them. If we know we cannot take advantage of someone, then their acts of kindness is more respected because we know it's something they wanted to do.

 

4) Perhaps you had too much expectations on what her reactions should have been. When you do an act of kindness it should be with no strings attached. The person on the receiving end should never feel obligated to have a particular response. Typically when a person is classified as "too nice", this usually implies the person on the receiving end feels there is some strings attached to the act.

 

All of these suggestions are purely speculation. I know neither of you in person nor your relationship so it's impossible for me to know what is going on.

 

However, there is some small truth to playing hard to get. If you have been seeing her a LOT lately you might want to pull back just a little. Not in a mean spiteful way, just giving both of you some personal "ME" time. I personally need some "ME" time or I'll start to get cranky. Thankfully my boyfriend is pretty in tune with those needs. He notices, even before I do in myself, that from time to time I need some alone time and when he distances himself just a little, I come back to the relationship in much better spirits.

[PWSX3]

Dgiirl, we do talk & I do believe she is just overwhelmed. She never got treated this nice from her ex & she still shares with me how she could never do anything right in her mom's eyes so I know that has a lot to do with it.

 

Since starting this thread I've sat down & looked at my part & I do believe I have come across a little strong to someone that isn't used to it, but that is just how I am, so I need to back off some, let her enjoy the nice things I do for her since she hasn't been treated like this before.

 

She has shared with me that she wants to be with me, she said it's early in our relationship & she just needs to get used to everything.

 

We went out yesterday with her co-worker & husband for lunch for Christmas & she was sharing how she has done more with me in the last 10 months then she did with her ex in the last 10 years..

 

Since the first time my former wife moved out I have learned I'm not just going to set around & watch TV anymore, there is just to much out there to do & to enjoy.

 

Maybe it is just the holiday's working on us, being so busy with everything. We have been busy every night for the last two weeks. She leaves next week to see her dad for Christmas & won't be back until the following Monday so that will give us a little break.

 

Thanks for all the ideas/suggestions, just needed to get some input & do some thinking.

[dazzle22]

I think what you did was incredibly great and romantic, but for whatever reason, she is not in a place to feel comfortable receiving all of it. She grew up with a mother who damaged her self worth, so when she gets this much affirmation, she immediately goes into the "I am not worthy" shame spiral and feels guilty. She doesn't know how to "accept" so much affirmation and displays of affection because she is not used to it.

 

The early stages of a relationship are very delicate. Every move needs a fairly "equal" countermove. If one person feels they are unworthy to begin with, and then are showered with even more "undeserved" love, it can make them run for the hills. They feel they are starting to "owe" more than they can possibly "pay back" if you will, and so they distance, because they feel it is only a matter of time before you see how unworthy they really are. None if this is innately logical, it is all subconscious and emotional...

[dgiirl]

It's great that you two are communicating and that neither of you are taking anything personally. Instead you are reflecting on your relationship objectively and are willing to pull back and make compromises to make one another comfortable

 

I'm also glad to hear the couch potato days have gone away Life is much more interesting when you are out living it!

 

Merry Christmas!