too embarrassed to sleep with him

[ella23]

This thread has to be a joke. Theres no way that Ella can really be serious.

 

It's not a joke

It may seem funny to you, but it's a serious issue for me.

[thatguy85]

It's not a joke

It may seem funny to you, but it's a serious issue for me.

 

I don't think it's funny at all. I just figured that you had to be joking for your own personal amusement... it seems like the only logical explanation at this point.

 

Maybe help me understand better: What is your goal with this thread? What are you trying to learn, read, hear, etc?

[ella23]

I don't think it's funny at all. I just figured that you had to be joking for your own personal amusement... it seems like the only logical explanation at this point.

 

Maybe help me understand better: What is your goal with this thread? What are you trying to learn, read, hear, etc?

I wanted advice/viewpoints on the situation and whether I should take the relationship forward with him, and I have come to the conclusion that it's best to end it.

[anne1707]

Ella

 

What about future relationships? Do you really want to live a life alone as that would seem to be the only option if you choose not to deal with your insecurities?

[Els]

I wanted advice/viewpoints on the situation and whether I should take the relationship forward with him, and I have come to the conclusion that it's best to end it.

 

... Why? Because your boobs are too saggy?!

[soserious1]

After 20 pages ( which I'm not going to read) I would've thought the problem be resolved by now.

 

Ella these are your options ( which I'm pretty certain most members of this forum has been more than helpful in advising):

 

- accept the fact you have sagging breasts and have sex with him

 

- get surgery ( despite the fact that you've said you're against it's your only option. Sagging breasts are like stretch marks, you either live with it or eradicate it completely)

 

- break up with him

 

 

From the way things are going, it seems you're looking for one excuse or another to completely break things off. If that's the case be fair with the guy and let him go find someone who can be honest with him. From the sounds of him, he neither sounds petty nor superficial, yet you're trying to paint him in a negative light that he would rejecet you if your breasts are not up to standards.

 

Personally, I have small breasts. They're A cup. I chalk it up to genetics until I make enough money to get a breast augmentation. At least I know what I want.

 

 

There's another choice

 

she sits this guy down and levels with him, lets him know that her ex said some pretty unkind things about her body, let;s him know that she really likes him but she's just not comfortable enough yet to sleep with him.

 

Ella, this is a new relationship.. if you can't trust this man enough to approach your first sexual encounter together

with anything besides anxiety and fear.. you aren't ready to be intimate with him.

[ella23]

Ella

 

What about future relationships? Do you really want to live a life alone as that would seem to be the only option if you choose not to deal with your insecurities?

 

I haven't really thought about that, but I'm going to end this one.

 

... Why? Because your boobs are too saggy?!

partly yes.

Edited December 28, 2009 by ella23

[anne1707]

I haven't really thought about that, but I'm going to end this one.

 

But until you actually take positive steps to deal with your insecurity then to be fair to others, you should not attempt to begin a relationship. All you will end up doing is hurting other people (just as you are about to). Is that really the way you want to live - either alone or hurting one person after another?

 

Your ex was an idiot and not typical of all men. What have you got to lose by talking about this with your current boyfriend? Surely the worst outcome is that you split up which is what you are already contemplating to do to avoid being honest.

[ella23]

But until you actually take positive steps to deal with your insecurity then to be fair to others, you should not attempt to begin a relationship. All you will end up doing is hurting other people (just as you are about to). Is that really the way you want to live - either alone or hurting one person after another?

 

Your ex was an idiot and not typical of all men. What have you got to lose by talking about this with your current boyfriend? Surely the worst outcome is that you split up which is what you are already contemplating to do to avoid being honest.

 

he may not break up with me, ask me to get a lift or make nasty comments, but he'll still be turned off. I don't want to deal with that for now.

I don't want to talk to him about this. Had I been fine with him knowing, I would have let him sleep with me already.

[thatguy85]

I wanted advice/viewpoints on the situation and whether I should take the relationship forward with him, and I have come to the conclusion that it's best to end it.

 

 

Okay so dumping him solves what?

[anne1707]

he may not break up with me, ask me to get a lift or make nasty comments, but he'll still be turned off. I don't want to deal with that for now.

I don't want to talk to him about this. Had I been fine with him knowing, I would have let him sleep with me already.

 

 

How do you know he will be turned off? You haven't asked him. You are just taking the easy option for now.

[boogieboy]

Okay so dumping him solves what?

 

Dumping him only helps her avoid the risk of rejection from him, which she cant mentally handle. All this is because she cant risk the guy saying anything about her breasts. If he says anything negative, she cant handle it, and she doesnt want to chance that...she wants to feel sorry for herself for..however long.

[ella23]

Dumping him only helps her avoid the risk of rejection from him, which she cant mentally handle. All this is because she cant risk the guy saying anything about her breasts. If he says anything negative, she cant handle it, and she doesnt want to chance that...she wants to feel sorry for herself for..however long.

boogie, while the rest is more or less true, the last part about me feeling sorry for myself, is not.

[Phateless]

I wanted advice/viewpoints on the situation and whether I should take the relationship forward with him, and I have come to the conclusion that it's best to end it.

 

You have pages and pages of advice telling you to move forward with the relationship. Are you taking any of our advice at all? If so, what steps have you taken toward changing your view of yourself thus far?

 

I completely understand needing time to recover from the last relationship, that is completely legitimate. You just need to recognize that you are being COMPLETELY irrational in thinking that your saggy boobs will cause a guy to leave you. The last guy was just trying to hurt you because he is tweaked in the head.

[sugar_and_spice]

You have pages and pages of advice telling you to move forward with the relationship. Are you taking any of our advice at all? If so, what steps have you taken toward changing your view of yourself thus far?

 

I completely understand needing time to recover from the last relationship, that is completely legitimate. You just need to recognize that you are being COMPLETELY irrational in thinking that your saggy boobs will cause a guy to leave you. The last guy was just trying to hurt you because he is tweaked in the head.

 

there are several men who do this, i.e. break up over such issues.

 

I think men over use and abuse the word "psycho" to describe any highly emotional situation they might have to deal with that might reach outside their very limited ability to handle emotions on a scale that women quite honestly can to a bigger proportion.

 

 

 

It has a pretty big portion/chunk to do with men being critical of women's bodies actually. Considering the swarm of commentary in this thread about just that, men commenting on women's bodies and their approvel or dissaprovel of them. I can understand why the OP doesn't want to make herself vunerable to that kind of scrutiney.

+1

[ella23]

You have pages and pages of advice telling you to move forward with the relationship. Are you taking any of our advice at all? If so, what steps have you taken toward changing your view of yourself thus far?

yes, I am. A lot of advice and opinions were really helpful.

I completely understand needing time to recover from the last relationship, that is completely legitimate. You just need to recognize that you are being COMPLETELY irrational in thinking that your saggy boobs will cause a guy to leave you. The last guy was just trying to hurt you because he is tweaked in the head.

 

Well, he'll most likely be put off, even if he doesn't leave.

And anyway, I'm just wasting his time these days. He seems to be frustrated over the lack of anything physical, and there is no way that I will talk to him about the issue. I just can't.

[Phateless]

yes, I am. A lot of advice and opinions were really helpful.

 

 

Well, he'll most likely be put off, even if he doesn't leave.

And anyway, I'm just wasting his time these days. He seems to be frustrated over the lack of anything physical, and there is no way that I will talk to him about the issue. I just can't.

 

Then go ahead and leave him, take some time to heal and recover. But you have to start getting over this because nothing will change until you do.

[ella23]

yes...I just don't know what to say about why I'm breaking up with him, because we get along really well, and I can't give him the actual reason.

I'm trying to get over my insecurities, but the same problem will come up again the next time I date anyone because it's hardly about how I feel about myself.

[dnm]

if you think you can get over your problems, then stay with him and tell him you want to take things slowly because of bad experiences in the past.

otherwise break up.

[Phateless]

yes...I just don't know what to say about why I'm breaking up with him, because we get along really well, and I can't give him the actual reason.

I'm trying to get over my insecurities, but the same problem will come up again the next time I date anyone because it's hardly about how I feel about myself.

 

I think you need to be honest with him. The key to getting over all of this is to expand your comfort zone. That means that sometimes it's important to do things BECAUSE you're afraid to do them. Does that make sense?

 

No matter what you tell him, he's going to know that you're feeding him BS. We can sense it. He's going to think you're just not into him.

 

Just tell him, "I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm still getting over it. I'm not ready to be vulnerable again and that's why I haven't slept with you. I'm sorry but I'm just not ready to be with someone again."

 

That's basically true without going into gory detail.

 

EDIT - for what it's worth I kind of know how you feel. I used to be really self-conscious about my body and looks. I thought I was way too scrawny and ugly and that's why I could never get girls. My ex had me convinced that I was bad in bed and that I was small down there.

 

The next 6 girls in a row all told me I was large and that I had a nice body. Sex is a completely different experience for me than it used to be, and I've been told I'm great in bed. Who knew?! I couldn't believe it! My ex really mind-****ed me...

 

The key was confidence. Ella, what if you actually have nice boobs?! I might think they're gorgeous... you never know.

Edited December 28, 2009 by Phateless

[thatguy85]

yes...I just don't know what to say about why I'm breaking up with him, because we get along really well, and I can't give him the actual reason.

I'm trying to get over my insecurities, but the same problem will come up again the next time I date anyone because it's hardly about how I feel about myself.

 

 

 

 

INSECURITY: NOUN

1.lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.

2.the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position.

 

 

Just in case you were wondering... insecurity has EVERYTHING to do with how you feel about yourself, and this is exactly why I thought this thread was a prank or joke, because any reasonable adult knows this. In fact, Anyone who reads even one page of this thread should know that you do hate yourself, and your chest, no matter how much you say you don't.

 

I have a nice sized beer gut. That is because I drink a lot of beer. I am only 24, which is young for a beer gut... but you know what? When I am about to hook up with a girl, I take my shirt off and have a good time... Does my gut suck? Yes. It does. Do I stop a girl mid-makeout because I'm scared of what she will say? No.... Why? Because I'm not an idiot.

[ella23]

I think you need to be honest with him. The key to getting over all of this is to expand your comfort zone. That means that sometimes it's important to do things BECAUSE you're afraid to do them. Does that make sense?

 

No matter what you tell him, he's going to know that you're feeding him BS. We can sense it. He's going to think you're just not into him.

 

Just tell him, "I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm still getting over it. I'm not ready to be vulnerable again and that's why I haven't slept with you. I'm sorry but I'm just not ready to be with someone again."

 

That's basically true without going into gory detail.

 

EDIT - for what it's worth I kind of know how you feel. I used to be really self-conscious about my body and looks. I thought I was way too scrawny and ugly and that's why I could never get girls. My ex had me convinced that I was bad in bed and that I was small down there.

 

The next 6 girls in a row all told me I was large and that I had a nice body. Sex is a completely different experience for me than it used to be, and I've been told I'm great in bed. Who knew?! I couldn't believe it! My ex really mind-****ed me...

 

The key was confidence. Ella, what if you actually have nice boobs?! I might think they're gorgeous... you never know.

 

I could tell him that, although that is not really true, because I am ready to be with him , but I don't want him to know and find me unattractive, because I really like him.

But yeah, it will hopefully work.

as for the last part, they sag, they're not gorgeous.

Edited December 28, 2009 by ella23

[sugar_and_spice]

INSECURITY: NOUN

1.lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.

2.the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position.

 

 

Just in case you were wondering... insecurity has EVERYTHING to do with how you feel about yourself, and this is exactly why I thought this thread was a prank or joke, because any reasonable adult knows this. In fact, Anyone who reads even one page of this thread should know that you do hate yourself, and your chest, no matter how much you say you don't.

 

I have a nice sized beer gut. That is because I drink a lot of beer. I am only 24, which is young for a beer gut... but you know what? When I am about to hook up with a girl, I take my shirt off and have a good time... Does my gut suck? Yes. It does. Do I stop a girl mid-makeout because I'm scared of what she will say? No.... Why? Because I'm not an idiot.

 

there are several men who are turned off by sagging and say they won't date women with sagging breasts. that is why she is insecure.

how can anyone really blame her?

[Peitho]

What is the worst thing that could happen? He leaves you because he thinks your boobs are ugly.

 

But, by breaking up with him pre-emptively, you are actually playing out your worst case scenario. In your head, and most importantly, from the point of view of your self-esteem, the real reason for break up would still be your boobs!

 

The only real difference would be that he would know what they look like.

This is just your ego talking. Don’t get me wrong – that’s ok. It does not mean you are vain. Pure vanity would be to go and get a surgery! The fact that you are going through this and are asking for help is healthy way to deal with this stuff. Much healthier than getting a surgery.

 

My point is, even if a majority of men think that your boobs are ugly, so what? How many men do you want? If you find one who thinks they are nice, who cares about the rest? You wouldn’t want to be with most of them anyway – due to reasons that have nothing to do with your looks.

Or theirs, for that matter.

 

Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. Heck, give your boobs a chance .

 

He might not be right for you. If he is not, break up with him. But if everything else is great – get out of your comfort zone.

 

I don’t think you have to spell out your every insecurity this early in a relationship, before you don’t know each other very well.

 

But if you want to have sex with him – go ahead!

Relax!

And enjoy!

[Phateless]

I could tell him that, although that is not really true, because I am ready to be with him , but I don't want him to know and find me unattractive, because I really like him.

But yeah, it will hopefully work.

as for the last part, they sag, they're not gorgeous.

 

With all due respect I think you are the LAST person who has any idea whether your boobs are gorgeous or not, just because you are so insecure that your perspective is not trustworthy. Sagging boobs are just fine with me. I've hooked up with girls who have large sagging breasts and I had a great time!

 

This is all about control. You want it to end on your terms and be in control, rather than have it end and be out of your control.

 

If you like him and want to be with him and are ready to be with him, then you are letting an irrational insecurity destroy your love life.

 

This is ridiculous.