too embarrassed to sleep with him

[Die Hard]

No, I won't. I know that's unfair. I think I should tell him straight away actually, because if he's going to reject me then it better be before I get even more involved emotionally.

 

But ella, it's more than that. You don't really care about this guy. I mean in the sense that one cares for someone and doesn't do things to hurt them. People sacrifice all the time for their partner, that is what caring means to me. You are not even capable of sacrificing your breast issues to keep from hurting him. This guy probabaly has issues in his own life, and if he's like most people, needs someone to share his hopes and fears and desires. You are not capable of doing that. You can't share your own, particularly while obssessing about your breasts... you sure aren't able to be sympathetic to any of his hopes and dreams and desires while you are like this.

 

You need to see someone like a psychologist. If for no other reason than to just talk and quit this worrying about being rejected which at this point is just selfish self absorbtion. No one likes being rejected but it's part of life and you don't go around playing with people's feelings because of your hangups.

 

It is not this man's responsibility to make you feel good about yourself or your breasts, nor should it be.

Edited January 2, 2010 by Die Hard

[ella23]

But ella, it's more than that. You don't really care about this guy. I mean in the sense that one cares for someone and doesn't do things to hurt them. People sacrifice all the time for their partner, that is what caring means to me. You are not even capable of sacrificing your breast issues to keep from hurting him. This guy probabaly has issues in his own life, and if he's like most people, needs someone to share his hopes and fears and desires. You are not capable of doing that. You can't share your own, particularly while obssessing about your breasts... you sure aren't able to be sympathetic to any of his hopes and dreams and desires while you are like this.

 

You need to see someone like a psychologist. If for no other reason than to just talk and quit this worrying about being rejected which at this point is just selfish self absorbtion. No one likes being rejected but it's part of life and you don't go around playing with people's feelings because of your hangups.

 

It is not this man's responsibility to make you feel good about yourself, nor should it be.

 

Yeah but being dumped for this two times in a row would be too much for me.

I spoke to someone like a psychologist actually. And I was told that it was normal to have sagging breasts, that is something I already know though.

And whatever you say, I DO care about him, a lot.

Edited January 2, 2010 by ella23

[ella23]

As for sacrificing my issues, I mean wtf? I want to look good for him, otherwise I'm fine with my body.

[Die Hard]

Yeah but being dumped for this two times in a row would be too much for me.

I spoke to someone like a psychologist actually. And I was told that it was normal to have sagging breasts, that is something I already know though.

And whatever you say, I DO care about him, a lot.

 

I know you THINK you do. Selfish and self- absorbed people always do, myself included.

 

And I'm not talking about talking to a psych to find out exactly what constitutes a sagging breast and at what point the sagging becomes abnormal.

 

I'm talking about seeing one for the fact that you put so much weight on what you or anyone else thinks of your breasts.

[ella23]

that is what I had gone to talk about. I didn't ask her if sagging was normal or not! lol

I'm always there for him when he wants to talk about something.

Like I said, we connect very well emotionally.

I mean yeah, you think I should have ended it, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I want to be with him.

Edited January 2, 2010 by ella23

[dnm]

Tell him. No, it's not stupid.

[Die Hard]

I want to be with him.

And what you want is the most important thing, right?

 

Look, you want to be with him? Then start treating him like a normal human being would. First of all, he shouldn't have to have any immediate reaction to your breasts when he sees them. That's retarded. Why would you even want to put him in that kind of position? Secondly, you yourself need to quit obssessing about them.

 

This is just my opinion but I think you should keep this stuff to yourself right now and let things progress normally. Have sex when the time is right and see how it goes. You're going to have to risk rejection this way, or more specifically, you're going to have to "put yourself out there". Very tough to do sometimes but it would be the non selfish way to do things. Don't put this crap on him. Now, if he has issues with your breasts after he sees them you dump his ass and you move on. If you're not going to go back to a psych, and you are determined to stay with this guy, imo this is what you're going to have to do. Well you don't have to but I think it's the right way. Just my opinion tho.

[ella23]

And what you want is the most important thing, right?

 

.

 

No.

But considering that it was his idea that we take a break instead of ending the relationship, I guess he wants to be with me, too. So far anyway.

[Die Hard]

No.

But considering that it was his idea that we take a break instead of ending the relationship, I guess he wants to be with me, too. So far anyway.

well either vortex is right and you're trolling or you're really, really slow if that's all you got from that post.

[ella23]

well either vortex is right and you're trolling or you're really, really slow if that's all you got from that post.

You never leave an opportunity to be nasty, do you?

I got the rest of the post.

I don't know if I can really 'put myself out there'.

It could end up being really embarrassing.

I was actually thinking of talking to him about it, but that would indeed make him feel uncomfortable.

Edited January 2, 2010 by ella23

[Die Hard]

You never leave an opportunity to be nasty, do you?

I got the rest of the post.

I don't know if I can really 'put myself out there'.

It could end up being really embarrassing.

You mean more embarrassing than telling him you have breast issues and you need him to look at them and tell you what he thinks?

 

I know it's hard to "put yourself out there",...but you have to ella. That's what's going to get you past this.

 

I apologize if I come across as nasty, I'm just being blunt but admit I can overdue it sometimes. After like 30 pages tho it seems necessary. I mean, you responded to the putting yourself out there issue.

 

and actually I apologize for being nasty, not just for coming across that way, which is a cop out

 

but anyway, ella you have to get a handle on this. It's only an issue if you allow it to be. There is nothing wrong with having body issues but allowing it to become the end all be all of this relationship is not healthy. If you're not going to get help for it then you have to be strong enough to battle it yourself. The first step, imo, is to stop wanting to talk to him about your breasts and just let things progress naturally. If he wants more details on why you've been having doubts, you can just tell him you have over-all self image/body issues but you don't need to get specific about your breasts at this point.

Edited January 2, 2010 by Die Hard

[melly18]

If he finds you attractive otherwise, then he probably won't run for the hills on seeing your boobs. S don't worry this much.

[ella23]

You mean more embarrassing than telling him you have breast issues and you need him to look at them and tell you what he thinks?

 

I know it's hard to "put yourself out there",...but you have to ella. That's what's going to get you past this.

 

I apologize if I come across as nasty, I'm just being blunt but admit I can overdue it sometimes. After like 30 pages tho it seems necessary. I mean, you responded to the putting yourself out there issue.

 

and actually I apologize for being nasty, not just for coming across that way, which is a cop out

 

but anyway, ella you have to get a handle on this. It's only an issue if you allow it to be. There is nothing wrong with having body issues but allowing it to become the end all be all of this relationship is not healthy. If you're not going to get help for it then you have to be strong enough to battle it yourself. The first step, imo, is to stop wanting to talk to him about your breasts and just let things progress naturally. If he wants more details on why you've been having doubts, you can just tell him you have over-all self image/body issues but you don't need to get specific about your breasts at this point.

 

Well, I just feel it might be less embarrassing for me to tell him beforehand about the sagging. Going to have to think about that one.

Anyway, since we're 'on a break', do I let it remain that way for a while or get back with him now?

Edited January 2, 2010 by ella23

[james123]

Why would you stay with her? For reasons that have nothing to do with her looks?

 

You said you don’t find saggy breasts attractive.

So you would stay with a woman AND not be attracted to her.

 

 

Not if she had sagging ones from the start.

[Peitho]

Not if she had sagging ones from the start.

 

I understand that.

But if her breasts start sagging say a year into a relationship due to various reasons, including childbirth?

 

How would you make/keep yourself attracted?

[bwidger]

Omg, why the heck would you break up with someone because YOU have sagging breasts? Seriously? Think about it...

 

I usually have something more to say at this point but this just boggles my mind...

[Peitho]

Well, I just feel it might be less embarrassing for me to tell him beforehand about the sagging. Going to have to think about that one.

Anyway, since we're 'on a break', do I let it remain that way for a while or get back with him now?

 

I don't see any point in waiting.

The guy obviously cares enough about you. Why make him wait?

 

If you think talking about it will help, just do it.

Otherwise, put a sexy corset that accentuates your boobs and throw a coat over it. Nothing else... and go see him.

 

You said you have a great emotional connection. No one meets a guy like that every day. Not even the girls with perky boobs.

 

Having said that, you are not obligated to take mine or anyone else's advice. You will do what feels right for you.

Discussing your issues here instead of getting a boob job is much healthier attitude and I applaud you for that. Whatever you decide to do.

 

You will get through it.

[melly18]

Man put value on perky breasts.

This is where it all starts.

and

i'm saying that men think saggy=ugly.

obviously the op will feel insecure.

 

both are true.

but only what this guy thinks is relevant here, and op can't know what he thinks without being open with him

Edited January 2, 2010 by melly18

[james123]

I understand that.

But if her breasts start sagging say a year into a relationship due to various reasons, including childbirth?

 

How would you make/keep yourself attracted?

 

I'd probably stay with the woman if her breasts started sagging some time into the relationship. At that stage, physical attraction would be relatively less important than it is at the beginning of a relationship.

Omg, why the heck would you break up with someone because YOU have sagging breasts? Seriously? Think about it...

 

I usually have something more to say at this point but this just boggles my mind...

 

Because it would probably be a turn off for him.

Edited January 2, 2010 by james123

[agentsmith]

 

I think it’s great some men wouldn’t want to be with a woman just because she has some physical characteristic that doesn’t conform to the current idea of perfection.

It provides you with an easy way to weed them out. You don't want them.

 

Even women with 'perfect' bodies don't want them.

 

All boobs will sag, more or less, after breastfeeding.

All boobs will sag with age.

What will those men do when that happens? Leave you? Pressure you to get a surgery? Cheat on you?

Honey, you don’t need these problems (if you can avoid them).

 

Don’t hate man like that, be thankful for them.

They actually help you find what you want.

 

I will even go that far to say – use your breast to your advantage – to find out who is worth your time and who is not.

Some girls with ‘perfect’ breasts won’t have that advantage. They will believe those guys really love them…until the inevitable happens…

 

 

 

.

 

Oh, so having a particular preference makes you a jerk eh?

Sounds good but I can guarantee to you that even the "nice guys" would have a problem with this.

Quit being so judgemental.

Edited January 2, 2010 by agentsmith

[thirdgirl]

I think that you should end this relationship altogether as against only taking a break.

You don't sound like you are in a state to take criticism about your body, which unfortunately you are quite likely to face when it comes to such problems. I know how you feel; I have fairly small breasts and I have faced similar problems like you with men.

So (imo) break up, and be happy focussing on other things in life.

 

Probably about 99% of guys don't care about boobs so long as the girl has some.

 

 

And I agree with betamanlet.. women are much more judgmental and cruel when it comes to guys size issues. .

I believe the opposite to be true, wrt both things.

Edited January 2, 2010 by thirdgirl

[SadandConfusedWA]

WTF people? What kind of world do you live in? I am sorry to say but world is not filled with bunnies and rainbows and importance of inner beauty. MANY men do find saggy boobs a turn off. Many men find even a lot less than saggy boobs a turn off and dumpable offense. I hang around with guys and hear their conversations ALL the time. They go something like "I dig this girl but she is just not hot enough to make her my long term gf so I will just screw her for a while". Or "I don't care about the size of the boobs, as long as they are perky" or "I would rather F%^$ a hooker than an average looking girl" etc etc.

 

I just do not see how saggy boobs do not matter. Perhaps there are some men few and far between that this is true for but majority? No way. I can only see it not mattering if the guy himself has very few (if any) dating options, and he himself is not that great looking (i.e. short, overweight etc). This is cold, hard reality. Most of what I read in this thread is sugar coated BS. I applaud few men who were brave enough to admit the truth.

 

I am also annoyed with OP for not having the guts to go through the break up OR not having the guts to do the plastic surgery OR not having the guts to show him the boobs already. Stop whining and take some action FFS.

[melly18]

WTF people? What kind of world do you live in? I am sorry to say but world is not filled with bunnies and rainbows and importance of inner beauty. MANY men do find saggy boobs a turn off. Many men find even a lot less than saggy boobs a turn off and dumpable offense. I hang around with guys and hear their conversations ALL the time. They go something like "I dig this girl but she is just not hot enough to make her my long term gf so I will just screw her for a while". Or "I don't care about the size of the boobs, as long as they are perky" or "I would rather F%^$ a hooker than an average looking girl" etc etc.

 

I just do not see how saggy boobs do not matter. Perhaps there are some men few and far between that this is true for but majority? No way. I can only see it not mattering if the guy himself has very few (if any) dating options, and he himself is not that great looking (i.e. short, overweight etc). This is cold, hard reality. Most of what I read in this thread is sugar coated BS. I applaud few men who were brave enough to admit the truth.

 

I am also annoyed with OP for not having the guts to go through the break up OR not having the guts to do the plastic surgery OR not having the guts to show him the boobs already. Stop whining and take some action FFS.

 

I agree that it would bother most men.

But I don't think the majority would dump a woman over it.

[ella23]

WTF people? What kind of world do you live in? I am sorry to say but world is not filled with bunnies and rainbows and importance of inner beauty. MANY men do find saggy boobs a turn off. Many men find even a lot less than saggy boobs a turn off and dumpable offense. I hang around with guys and hear their conversations ALL the time. They go something like "I dig this girl but she is just not hot enough to make her my long term gf so I will just screw her for a while". Or "I don't care about the size of the boobs, as long as they are perky" or "I would rather F%^$ a hooker than an average looking girl" etc etc.

 

I just do not see how saggy boobs do not matter. Perhaps there are some men few and far between that this is true for but majority? No way. I can only see it not mattering if the guy himself has very few (if any) dating options, and he himself is not that great looking (i.e. short, overweight etc). This is cold, hard reality. Most of what I read in this thread is sugar coated BS. I applaud few men who were brave enough to admit the truth.

 

I am also annoyed with OP for not having the guts to go through the break up OR not having the guts to do the plastic surgery OR not having the guts to show him the boobs already. Stop whining and take some action FFS.

 

I think that you should end this relationship altogether as against only taking a break.

You don't sound like you are in a state to take criticism about your body, which unfortunately you are quite likely to face when it comes to such problems. I know how you feel; I have fairly small breasts and I have faced similar problems like you with men.

So (imo) break up, and be happy focussing on other things in life.

 

 

I believe the opposite to be true, wrt both things.

 

*sigh*

You guys are right, I was being too optimistic hoping he'll accept me like this.

But he has a lot of dating options because he's very good looking.

Some of my friends have pointed this out, too.

I should have ended it that day. I'm calling him up right now and telling him it's over.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice.

Edited January 2, 2010 by ella23

[SadandConfusedWA]

*sigh*

You guys are right, I was being too optimistic hoping he'll accept me like this.

But he has a lot of dating options because he's very good looking.

I should have ended it that day. I'm calling him up right now and telling him it's over.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice.

 

Ella, would it absolutely kill you if he rejects you because of the boobs? Why can't you go in with the mindset "I will show him the boobs, he will most likely reject me but I will be OK as this is what I have prepared myself for". Why does it have to be the end of the world if that happens? You already know that your boobs are saggy and turn off to a lot of men. He would only be comfirming what you already know (if he indeed dumps you).

Why can't you be strong enough to take that risk? If you truly think that you can't do that, then dump him now.