too embarrassed to sleep with him

[thegreatmoose]

I went 4-5 times the last time before I stopped.

I know that I do need counselling, so that I can have a better body image.

I just keep having the same thoughts again and again sometimes, which I don't think counselling could help me with.

I feel like he's just staying with me because he likes me as a person and doesn't really find my body attractive. At some stage, what if he starts feeling like he can do better?

And then, I feel like if something goes wrong with him, I'm again going to have so much trouble finding a guy who likes me and accepts me the way I am.

4-5 times was not nearly enough. A good counselor should be able to help you have a better body image and help you learn to have better thoughts. That is exactly what counselors do. You can't expect results after just a few visits.

 

Ella, your boyfriend is with you because of your personality and looks. You have both! You have to accept that at some point and that's a really good thing. From what you have said, he's someone that can easily get women. Who would someone like that choose? I think someone with a great personality and looks. What I don't think you are seeing is that you can easily get men. You need to stop worrying and just enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

You may end up marrying this guy. If you find out one day that you are not compatible, there are plenty more great guys out there and I have no doubt one of them will be right for you. You want to start getting some more happiness from within yourself in addition.

 

Everything you write here you should be telling the counselor. The only thing you need to work on is your self esteem. You've already had the couage to talk to your boyfriend and you got a great result! Start expecting more great results. They happen far more often than you think.

[Phateless]

It's not about simple "changing your thoughts." It's about finding your core beliefs that cause you to have those thoughts in the first place. You probably believe something to be true that once exposed, you will realize is completely false.

 

Make sense? Once you figure out what your core beliefs are, the rest of the tricks that your mind plays on you will start to make sense.

[ella23]

4-5 times was not nearly enough. A good counselor should be able to help you have a better body image and help you learn to have better thoughts. That is exactly what counselors do. You can't expect results after just a few visits.

 

 

I know 4-5 times isn't quite enough.....it's just that it was not helping at all, so I just quit. She used to say things like, "Sagging is normal, there are others like you", which was something I already knew.

At that time, I was not motivated enough to look for another counsellor.

So I should stick around for longer, even if I think it's not helping?

 

 

Ella, your boyfriend is with you because of your personality and looks. You have both! You have to accept that at some point and that's a really good thing. From what you have said, he's someone that can easily get women. Who would someone like that choose? I think someone with a great personality and looks. What I don't think you are seeing is that you can easily get men. You need to stop worrying and just enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

Well, I can't really know what he actually thinks. But it just seems to me like he's just being nice as against actually being physically attracted to me because of how insecure I am (I don't go around whining, but it must be obvious sometimes that I am not comfortable with my body).

I don't know if I can easily attract men but that is irrelevant since they don't really know what my body looks like when they ask me out. So the problem is not that I don't attract guys, the problem comes in much later.

You may end up marrying this guy. If you find out one day that you are not compatible, there are plenty more great guys out there and I have no doubt one of them will be right for you.

Who knows, it doesn't seem like that to me sometimes.....but I hope so.

You want to start getting some more happiness from within yourself in addition. Everything you write here you should be telling the counselor. The only thing you need to work on is your self esteem. You've already had the couage to talk to your boyfriend and you got a great result! Start expecting more great results. They happen far more often than you think.

Yes, I'm making a note of everything that I need to talk about. God, there's so much to talk about. I am having doubts regarding how useful this will be, but I think I should go ahead with it; at least I'll have a better body image.

 

It's not about simple "changing your thoughts." It's about finding your core beliefs that cause you to have those thoughts in the first place. You probably believe something to be true that once exposed, you will realize is completely false.

 

Make sense?

It does, sort of.

[thegreatmoose]

I know 4-5 times isn't quite enough.....it's just that it was not helping at all, so I just quit. She used to say things like, "Sagging is normal, there are others like you", which was something I already knew.

At that time, I was not motivated enough to look for another counsellor.

So I should stick around for longer, even if I think it's not helping?

 

 

 

Well, I can't really know what he actually thinks. But it just seems to me like he's just being nice as against actually being physically attracted to me because of how insecure I am (I don't go around whining, but it must be obvious sometimes that I am not comfortable with my body).

I don't know if I can easily attract men but that is irrelevant since they don't really know what my body looks like when they ask me out. So the problem is not that I don't attract guys, the problem comes in much later.

 

Who knows, it doesn't seem like that to me sometimes.....but I hope so.

 

Yes, I'm making a note of everything that I need to talk about. God, there's so much to talk about. I am having doubts regarding how useful this will be, but I think I should go ahead with it; at least I'll have a better body image.

4-5 is not enough. There is a lot to talk about and it may take 4-5 visits just to tell him/her everything. Now, if you just can't stand the counselor you might want to find a new one immediately. Tell your conselor about how you often assume something negative will happen when you don't know if it will happen. Then, you should mention that many (probably most) of these negative things don't even happen.

 

You've made enough posts about his behavor that I can make a good guess. I've guessed right on his reactions to several things already. He obviously likes your personality AND has slept with you. He most definitely likes how you look or he would have find a way out of sleeping with you. He wanted to sleep with you. Ella, I just want to see you accept these positve things unless he says otherwise. He hasn't said otherwise and I'd be very surprised if he did.

 

Also, when I look at profiles of women on a dating site I have a good idea of what they look like. I obviously don't see everything, but I see enough to have an opinion. I certainly can get a general idea of shape and size of their breasts. Very few men are like your ex and I really hope you see that one day.

 

You are only 20 and you have so much time to figure this all out. Any time you start getting a negative thought, try to replace it with a positive one.

Edited January 15, 2010 by thegreatmoose

[Phateless]

Guys have a sense of your shape, even with your clothes on. We're good at imagining that. When a guy asks you out, he has already looked you up and down, and LIKES WHAT HE SEES.

 

Confidence is extremely sexy, so the more comfortable you are with your own body, the more attracted he will be.

 

He likes your personality, he likes your looks, those two TOGETHER are why he's with you. I know it's hard now, but try to work on trusting him to like your body exactly the way it is.

[ella23]

4-5 is not enough. There is a lot to talk about and it may take 4-5 visits just to tell him/her everything. Now, if you just can't stand the counselor you might want to find a new one immediately. Tell your conselor about how you often assume something negative will happen when you don't know if it will happen. Then, you should mention that many (probably most) of these negative things don't even happen.

Yeah, and also what happened with my ex.

I'm seeing her early next week. I heard she's pretty good. I will try to be more patient this time.

You've made enough posts about his behavor that I can make a good guess. I've guessed right on his reactions to several things already. He obviously likes your personality AND has slept with you. He most definitely likes how you look or he would have find a way out of sleeping with you. He wanted to sleep with you. Ella, I just want to see you accept these positive things unless he says otherwise. He hasn't said otherwise and I'd be very surprised if he did.

lol, yes you guessed right a lot of times.

But, he isn't mean like my ex was and is unlikely to say nasty things to me straight up, or just walk out. Coming up with some other excuse to break is probably more likely.

 

Also, when I look at profiles of women on a dating site I have a good idea of what they look like. I obviously don't see everything, but I see enough to have an opinion. I certainly can get a general idea of shape and size of their breasts. Very few men are like your ex and I really hope you see that one day.

Shape and size, yes, but not other things like sagging.

Everyone isn't outright rude like my ex, but that doesn't mean much.

You are only 20 and you have so much time to figure this all out. Any time you start getting a negative thought, try to replace it with a positive one.

I keep trying, even though I don't always succeed at doing that.

 

Guys have a sense of your shape, even with your clothes on. We're good at imagining that. When a guy asks you out, he has already looked you up and down, and LIKES WHAT HE SEES.

 

Confidence is extremely sexy, so the more comfortable you are with your own body, the more attracted he will be.

 

He likes your personality, he likes your looks, those two TOGETHER are why he's with you. I know it's hard now, but try to work on trusting him to like your body exactly the way it is.

Like I said, some idea about the sense of shape, maybe, but there's no way a guy would be aware about sagging, which is the whole problem. Yeah, I realise that my insecurity could possibly be putting him off. I don't really talk about these problems that I'm having with him, but I suppose it becomes obvious sometimes.

There's no way to really know just why he wants to be with me, but I hope it's for both.

[thegreatmoose]

Yeah, and also what happened with my ex.

I'm seeing her early next week. I heard she's pretty good. I will try to be more patient this time.

 

lol, yes you guessed right a lot of times.

But, he isn't mean like my ex was and is unlikely to say nasty things to me straight up, or just walk out. Coming up with some other excuse to break is probably more likely.

 

 

Shape and size, yes, but not other things like sagging.

Everyone isn't outright rude like my ex, but that doesn't mean much.

 

I keep trying, even though I don't always succeed at doing that.

Ella, he clearly never wanted to break up. He would not have wanted to stay so badly and then had sex with you if he was even thinking of breaking up.

 

When someone describes breasts, size and shape are a big part of them. The sagging may be hidden, but it is normal. Very few people are rude like your ex.

 

The one thing holding you back is you still are assuming negatives when they aren't there. You need to find a way to love yourself. There is so much great about you that you owe it to yourself. Your counselor, assuming she is good, should be able to help you.

[ella23]

Ella, he clearly never wanted to break up. He would not have wanted to stay so badly and then had sex with you if he was even thinking of breaking up.

 

When someone describes breasts, size and shape are a big part of them. The sagging may be hidden, but it is normal. Very few people are rude like your ex.

 

The one thing holding you back is you still are assuming negatives when they aren't there. You need to find a way to love yourself. There is so much great about you that you owe it to yourself. Your counselor, assuming she is good, should be able to help you.

I didn't mean that he wanted to break up before I slept with him. I am talking about now. As in, this could be bothering him and he won't tell me that, but will end it later over some other excuse.

You're right, the negativity is affecting me, but my fears are legitimate, and that is why I'm stopping myself from getting more emotionally involved with him.

I know I shouldn't compare him with my ex, but my ex told me he wanted me to get surgery done and how he hated my breasts after we had been together for a while.

I sure hope my counsellor is going to be better than the last one, and that I'll be more patient and stick around for longer.

I've heard that counselling isn't often of much help because they just listen and don't offer much advice. I hope that's not true.

[thegreatmoose]

I didn't mean that he wanted to break up before I slept with him. I am talking about now. As in, this could be bothering him and he won't tell me that, but will end it later over some other excuse.

You're right, the negativity is affecting me, but my fears are legitimate, and that is why I'm stopping myself from getting more emotionally involved with him.

I know I shouldn't compare him with my ex, but my ex told me he wanted me to get surgery done and how he hated my breasts after we had been together for a while.

I sure hope my counsellor is going to be better than the last one, and that I'll be more patient and stick around for longer.

I've heard that counselling isn't often of much help because they just listen and don't offer much advice. I hope that's not true.

Your fears are way way overblown and you need to do something about them as soon as possible. You clearly have strong feelings for him and he clearly has strong feelings for you. Try and get more intimate with him. That is one way to face these fears.

 

You know you shouldn't compare him with your ex. Stop doing it!

 

You need to make a decision to be patient with the counseling and also a decision to find a new counselor if she is not good enough. Good counselors do offer advice. Ask her for advice too. This whole thing is far bigger than any relationship. It is about improving all aspects of your life.

[ella23]

Your fears are way way overblown and you need to do something about them as soon as possible. You clearly have strong feelings for him and he clearly has strong feelings for you. Try and get more intimate with him. That is one way to face these fears.

 

You know you shouldn't compare him with your ex. Stop doing it!

 

You need to make a decision to be patient with the counseling and also a decision to find a new counselor if she is not good enough. Good counselors do offer advice. Ask her for advice too. This whole thing is far bigger than any relationship. It is about improving all aspects of your life.

 

I think my fears are legitimate, but I'm trying to stop worrying so much and look at the positives.

I try not to compare him to my ex, but sometimes I cannot help it.

I'm not sure if I want to get more intimate; I'm not particularly keen on getting more emotionally involved for the time being.

Also, I can't ask him to be honest, because if the truth is not what I want to hear, he won't say it.

I suppose my insecurity would be obvious to him sometimes? That's probably not a good thing either.

 

I am actually looking forward to the counselling because it will help me at least somewhat, unless the counsellor is very bad. And yes, it will probably help me with all aspects of my life. I could do with a bit of positive thinking in general, not just when it comes to relationships, lol. You said you've taken counselling. Was it worth it, and did it really help you overcome your problems? For how long did you continue?

[thegreatmoose]

I think my fears are legitimate, but I'm trying to stop worrying so much and look at the positives.

I try not to compare him to my ex, but sometimes I cannot help it.

I'm not sure if I want to get more intimate; I'm not particularly keen on getting more emotionally involved for the time being.

Also, I can't ask him to be honest, because if the truth is not what I want to hear, he won't say it.

I suppose my insecurity would be obvious to him sometimes? That's probably not a good thing either.

 

I am actually looking forward to the counselling because it will help me at least somewhat, unless the counsellor is very bad. And yes, it will probably help me with all aspects of my life. I could do with a bit of positive thinking in general, not just when it comes to relationships, lol. You said you've taken counselling. Was it worth it, and did it really help you overcome your problems? For how long did you continue?

He has told you the truth as far as I can tell. You have to assume he's telling the truth unless there is evidence otherwise. Your goal should just be to enjoy your relationship and stop worring about things so much. Easier said than done, I know!

 

He might see your insecurity. You have so many positive traits that he's willing to overlook the insecurity he might see. You are very attractive to him now. You reduce or eliminate the insecurity and you will be even more attractive to him!

 

Counseling has definitely helped me overcome many of my issues over the years. I had to sometimes go through bad counselors to find the good ones. I'd go 15-30 or more visits when I found a good one. You can send me a PM if you want more details as I don't want to share any more on a public forum.

[ella23]

He has told you the truth as far as I can tell. You have to assume he's telling the truth unless there is evidence otherwise. Your goal should just be to enjoy your relationship and stop worring about things so much. Easier said than done, I know!

Yes, because you can only know what I know, and not what he's thinking! It's kind of tough to enjoy the relationship right now, but I do try my best! Yes, a lot easier said than done.

 

He might see your insecurity. You have so many positive traits that he's willing to overlook the insecurity he might see. You are very attractive to him now. You reduce or eliminate the insecurity and you will be even more attractive to him!

Well, hopefully. I think I probably come across as worked up and stressed out to him most of the times, because that's how I mostly feel around him.

 

Counseling has definitely helped me overcome many of my issues over the years. I had to sometimes go through bad counselors to find the good ones. I'd go 15-30 or more visits when I found a good one. You can send me a PM if you want more details as I don't want to share any more on a public forum.

That's good. 15-30 visits? That's a lot, I'm not sure I would want to continue for that long.

[sugar_and_spice]

I can understand your fears, but stop playing games again. You're not doing it intentionally, but stopping yourself from getting emotiionally involved just shows you're going back to where you started. I think you should discuss your counseling with him, too.

I hope your counseling goes well.

Edited January 18, 2010 by sugar_and_spice

[ella23]

Well, yes, that's why I'm trying to control my emotions and just enjoy the relationship.

I will ask my counsellor as to whether I should talk to him about my counselling yet or not.

[shadowplay]

I went 4-5 times the last time before I stopped.

I know that I do need counselling, so that I can have a better body image.

I just keep having the same thoughts again and again sometimes, which I don't think counselling could help me with.

I feel like he's just staying with me because he likes me as a person and doesn't really find my body attractive. At some stage, what if he starts feeling like he can do better?

And then, I feel like if something goes wrong with him, I'm again going to have so much trouble finding a guy who likes me and accepts me the way I am.

 

Has he complimented you on your appearance?

[ella23]

Has he complimented you on your appearance?

Yes, he has and does.......but that could just be because he knows I'm insecure.

[Phateless]

Yes, he has and does.......but that could just be because he knows I'm insecure.

 

You need to stop thinking up explanations why the good stuff doesn't count. Think about it...

 

You believe the bad stuff without questioning it, but you question the good stuff so you don't believe it.

 

You need to do the opposite. If your bf says something good, TRUST HIM.

[ella23]

You need to stop thinking up explanations why the good stuff doesn't count. Think about it...

 

You believe the bad stuff without questioning it, but you question the good stuff so you don't believe it.

 

You need to do the opposite. If your bf says something good, TRUST HIM.

 

What bad stuff?

I do mostly believe the good things he says also, I just think that there's a possibility that he says those things because I'm insecure.

Edited January 19, 2010 by ella23

[thegreatmoose]

Yes, he has and does.......but that could just be because he knows I'm insecure.

 

It could also be becuase you are very attractive to him. I'd be very surprised if it was anything else.

 

I do mostly believe the good things he says also, I just think that there's a possibility that he says those things because I'm insecure.

 

You have said he can get women easily. Someone like that usually chooses the woman with the most desirable traits. It's usually someone who has both a great personality and looks.

 

Who did he choose again?

[ella23]

It could also be becuase you are very attractive to him. I'd be very surprised if it was anything else.

 

 

 

You have said he can get women easily. Someone like that usually chooses the woman with the most desirable traits. It's usually someone who has both a great personality and looks.

 

Who did he choose again?

I know that.

But he had a huge number of flings and one night stands in the past, and wants a committed relationship now so he may be willing to overlook the physical aspects for the personality.

That is also fine with me, but I also want to be attractive to him lol.

Maybe it's all in my mind, but even if it's the truth, I just want to be able to stop worrying about this and move on, not just for my peace of mind but also because when I'm constantly insecure and worried I'm probably no fun to be with (for him).

Edited January 19, 2010 by ella23

[ella23]

started counselling but I did most of the talking lol

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ella, I have decided to finally go for a consultation with plastic surgeon tommorrow. I am considering a lift, plus one of my breasts is half a cup larger than another so I want them more symmetrical as well.

 

I am still not sure about the surgery. I am mainly worried about scarring and if scarring is really bad then it won't matter how perky my breasts are - I will STILL have a problem.

 

I also want to keep my natural E-cup and do not want reduction.

 

I will update on here after my appointment.

[ella23]

Ella, I have decided to finally go for a consultation with plastic surgeon tommorrow. I am considering a lift, plus one of my breasts is half a cup larger than another so I want them more symmetrical as well.

 

I am still not sure about the surgery. I am mainly worried about scarring and if scarring is really bad then it won't matter how perky my breasts are - I will STILL have a problem.

 

I also want to keep my natural E-cup and do not want reduction.

 

I will update on here after my appointment.

Okay.

Hope it goes well.

Did you see a gynaecologist also, like you said you would? You might get a better opinion regarding whether the amount of sagging is normal or not from a gyno rather than a plastic surgeon.

The scarring can vary, depending on the amount of lift required and some other things.

I think that a reduction will make the breasts stay perkier for longer, but E is a nice size and I can understand why you don't want a reduction.

As for one breast being larger than the other, that is very common and one of my breasts is slightly bigger than the other, too.

Edited January 20, 2010 by ella23

[ella23]

Oh and I decided to tell my boyfriend about the counselling. The counselling had gone reasonably well and I met him right after and he was wondering why I looked happy. He was supportive and said it's a good idea because he thinks that I am overly insecure about my body. He didn't seem to think it was all that weird then.

Edited January 20, 2010 by ella23

[hoping2heal]

Ella, I have decided to finally go for a consultation with plastic surgeon tommorrow. I am considering a lift, plus one of my breasts is half a cup larger than another so I want them more symmetrical as well.

 

I am still not sure about the surgery. I am mainly worried about scarring and if scarring is really bad then it won't matter how perky my breasts are - I will STILL have a problem.

 

I also want to keep my natural E-cup and do not want reduction.

 

I will update on here after my appointment.

 

Sad, have you already had children?