too embarrassed to sleep with him

[Peitho]

I vote she should stay with him, sleep with him, and give him a chance.

 

There's a very real possibility he could help restore her faith that not all men are callous, shallow jerks.

 

Seriously, what's the worse case scenario? That he breaks up with her afterwords? She's already decided that breaking up is a viable option to her, so the risk is negligible.

Totally agree.

 

Pre-emptive brake up would be the worst case scenario.

 

What do you have to lose, Ella?

[Phateless]

oh well, he had been out of town for a few days.

he's back, so I guess we'll meet up soon.

I'll end it then.

 

23 pages of people trying to help and you ignoring all their advice. Whatever happens from here on out you are doing to yourself.

 

Good luck.

[sugar_and_spice]

23 pages of people trying to help and you ignoring all their advice. Whatever happens from here on out you are doing to yourself.

 

Good luck.

lol weren't you the poster who advised her to end it and work on her insecurities?

or am I confusing you with someone else ?

[Phateless]

lol weren't you the poster who advised her to end it and work on her insecurities?

or am I confusing you with someone else ?

 

I'm just telling her to pick a direction one way or the other, but she's insisting this is a real problem instead of recognizing that it's 100% in her head.

 

Ending this relationship will accomplish nothing if she refuses to accept that these are her internal issues and not reality.

[dnm]

I'm just telling her to pick a direction one way or the other, but she's insisting this is a real problem instead of recognizing that it's 100% in her head.

 

Ending this relationship will accomplish nothing if she refuses to accept that these are her internal issues and not reality.

well, she certainly needs to make her mind up.

but, as I, and other posters, have said before, the problem is completely understandable, not just one in her head.

[ella23]

exactly.

anyway, she should stay with him and sleep with the guy actually. even if he dumps her, at least she won't be left wondering.

 

Like I said, I want to be with him but I don't think I want to deal with being dumped for the same reason again.

I'll probably be seeing him tonight or tomorrow, so yeah.

Edited December 30, 2009 by ella23

[thegreatmoose]

23 pages of people trying to help and you ignoring all their advice. Whatever happens from here on out you are doing to yourself.

 

Good luck.

I completely agree.

 

She keeps saying she is planning on doing what most of us say is the worst possible thing to do. The poor guy has no idea what is coming and I expect a breakup without her telling the reasons will be very hard on both of them.

[ella23]

I completely agree.

 

She keeps saying she is planning on doing what most of us say is the worst possible thing to do. The poor guy has no idea what is coming and I expect a breakup without her telling the reasons will be very hard on both of them.

I am going to give him a reason, which is in fact more or less the truth, just not exactly what it is.

I mean, I can't break up and not give him any reason, especially since he already thinks that I'm either somewhat put off by him or annoyed with him, and he keeps asking the reason.

[Vertex]

What bothers me is when people make threads about this stuff with no real desire to change their own mind. "Here is my problem, advice?" followed by pages and pages of salient points, anecdotes, and sound reasoning -- only to have it all continuously ignored.

 

Ella, why even bother making this thread if your mind is already so set? It seems as if you're merely paying attention to posts (which are few in number) that confirm your irrational position rather than combat it.

 

Yes, you have a mental hangup over it. Yes, it may be hard to get over. But you're not fixing the problem by avoiding it. There are women who would kill to just have BOOBS in general but wound up flatchested. And you know what? Plenty of them still wind up in healthy, satisfying relationships with men who love their bodies, quirks and all.

 

I'll be the first to tell you, I am not happy with my body either, and I'm a 23 year old male. For the longest time, I grew up skinny, and yet I had "man boobs," which would be the "female equivalent" of sagging, you could say. I was extremely self-conscious of them. However, I had a perfectly healthy sex life. I had only been self-conscious due to the occasional teasing I'd receive in elementary/middle-school. But you know what? I know that, as a person, I offer a lot intellectually, emotionally, and physically in a relationship. If someone's going to point out some flaw on my body, who cares? I'm not the most well-hung guy in the world -- average, in fact -- and yet I know how to use what I've got.

 

My point is that despite social "influences" in certain areas, you have to learn to love yourself for all its pros and cons. What you may consider a con may not be a con to someone else. There are so many people out there. Not everyone will like everyone else. I consider my intelligence a pro, but to someone else, it'll be a con. I consider my body a slight con, but to some it won't even matter because I take care of myself, eat healthy, and work out (and henceforth look a lot better now because of it). If someone doesn't like you for the sum of your parts, who cares? Realize it's merely an incompatibility and move on to someone else who is more compatible, and realize that even if someone is needlessly caustic, that's their flaw -- not yours. If you can truly understand this, you're invincible.

[thegreatmoose]

Like I said, I want to be with him but I don't think I want to deal with being dumped for the same reason again.

I'll probably be seeing him tonight or tomorrow, so yeah.

Ella, why not just admit you don't want to be with him?

 

This sending of mixed messages and refusing to communicate with him is mean and extremely immature.

 

If you break up with him in the matter you say you will are you going to date more guys and do the same thing to them? You have to know that guys hearts can be broken too.

[Vertex]

I am going to give him a reason, which is in fact more or less the truth, just not exactly what it is.

I mean, I can't break up and not give him any reason, especially since he already thinks that I'm either somewhat put off by him or annoyed with him, and he keeps asking the reason.

 

Why so quick to break up with him? Why not just talk it out first before making such hardline decisions? "I know I must seem pretty standoffish or annoyed lately, but it's just that I'm very self-conscious about my body," to which he'll ask for more detail. I almost guarantee you that if you tell him you're worried about your boobs, he won't care. And, playing devil's advocate here, on the small chance that he does care, then you have every right to dump him!

 

We're all just trying to help you get over this psychological hurdle, since this type of opportunity is PRIME for moving past this phobia, embracing your body, and learning to have a healthy relationship with someone who is accepting of attributes you consider dealbreaking cons.

[thegreatmoose]

I am going to give him a reason, which is in fact more or less the truth, just not exactly what it is.

I mean, I can't break up and not give him any reason, especially since he already thinks that I'm either somewhat put off by him or annoyed with him, and he keeps asking the reason.

That means not the truth. You keep making excuses.

 

There is no excuse for your refusal to communicate with him.

[anne1707]

You are not going to be giving him the real reason. You are just going to make some kind of excuse. You are going to lie.

 

Ella - if you ever want to be with someone, you are going to have to tell the truth.

[ella23]

Ella, why not just admit you don't want to be with him?

 

This sending of mixed messages and refusing to communicate with him is mean and extremely immature.

 

If you break up with him in the matter you say you will are you going to date more guys and do the same thing to them? You have to know that guys hearts can be broken too.

 

He'll be fine. he's had many relationships in the past (I've known him from before, so I know that) and he won't have trouble finding someone again.

I don't know about the future but for the time being it's best for me to be alone.

 

You are not going to be giving him the real reason. You are just going to make some kind of excuse. You are going to lie.

Saying that I have issues with my body is not a lie.

 

Why so quick to break up with him? Why not just talk it out first before making such hardline decisions? "I know I must seem pretty standoffish or annoyed lately, but it's just that I'm very self-conscious about my body," to which he'll ask for more detail. I almost guarantee you that if you tell him you're worried about your boobs, he won't care.

yeah, but if he knew why I'm worried about my boobs, he will most likely care.

 

I agree with this.

You see a lot of men talking about how disgusting sagging is and how they want a girlfriend with perky ones. I can fully understand that this isn't just about what her ex-boyfriend told her, it's about men's attitude and expectations in general.

 

this.

Edited December 30, 2009 by ella23

[anne1707]

yeah, but if he knew why I'm worried about my boobs, he will most likely care.

 

 

And maybe he will care - but in a good way.

[Vertex]

Alright ella, well, best of luck to you then.

[sugar_and_spice]

He'll be fine. he's had many relationships in the past (I've known him from before, so I know that) and he won't have trouble finding someone again.

I don't know about the future but for the time being it's best for me to be alone.

 

 

Only you can know if you're better off alone, but you're fooling yourself if you think that he won't be hurt.

And then, what next? Unless you're serious about remaining celibate forever, you have to give some thought to that.

And I say this despite agreeing that all this can be partially blamed to the fact that guys are very judgemental about women's bodies.

Edited December 30, 2009 by sugar_and_spice

[dnm]

Why so quick to break up with him? Why not just talk it out first before making such hardline decisions? "I know I must seem pretty standoffish or annoyed lately, but it's just that I'm very self-conscious about my body," to which he'll ask for more detail. I almost guarantee you that if you tell him you're worried about your boobs, he won't care. And, playing devil's advocate here, on the small chance that he does care, then you have every right to dump him!

.

 

This would be the better thing to do, as against sleeping with him.

This way you'll also save yourself from embarrassment if he has a problem.

[ella23]

This would be the better thing to do, as against sleeping with him.

This way you'll also save yourself from embarrassment if he has a problem.

Yeah, I know.

I was on the phone with him a little while back, and I thought I might as well see what he has to say.

He said that I had to tell him what was bothering me, so I told him I had certain 'issues'. When he asked what they were, I wanted to say this but I felt quite embarrassed (and a little scared again) and told him it was stress related to university.

[Vertex]

Well, avoiding the problem isn't going to help you, ella. You're not being honest with him -- truth by omission is still disingenuous and dishonest.

[thegreatmoose]

He'll be fine. he's had many relationships in the past (I've known him from before, so I know that) and he won't have trouble finding someone again.

You keep making excuses. I don't think he will be fine. Very few men (or women) would be with this type of breakup.

 

Yeah, I know.

I was on the phone with him a little while back, and I thought I might as well see what he has to say.

He said that I had to tell him what was bothering me, so I told him I had certain 'issues'. When he asked what they were, I wanted to say this but I felt quite embarrassed (and a little scared again) and told him it was stress related to university.

More excuses. This time, what you said about it being stress related to the university was a complete lie.

 

I think you owe him the truth. That will make things easier for both of you.

[Phateless]

He'll be fine. he's had many relationships in the past (I've known him from before, so I know that) and he won't have trouble finding someone again.

I don't know about the future but for the time being it's best for me to be alone.

 

1

 

Saying that I have issues with my body is not a lie.

 

2

 

yeah, but if he knew why I'm worried about my boobs, he will most likely care.

 

3 - HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU KNOW THAT?! Talk about big assumptions...

 

Soft boobs can be more fun because they feel better for boob-sex. Sorry to be graphic, but it's true.

 

this.

 

1

 

 

Ella, you have 3 people telling you that it's no big deal and one person telling you it MIGHT be. 3 to 1. How can you still argue this?!

[ella23]

Well, avoiding the problem isn't going to help you, ella. You're not being honest with him -- truth by omission is still disingenuous and dishonest.

 

This time, what you said about it being stress related to the university was a complete lie.

 

I think you owe him the truth. That will make things easier for both of you.

 

He didn't believe me in any case. He said that it couldn't possibly be the reason I was distant with him. And that even if it were, I wouldn't have declined to tell him what was up for so long. He said that he wasn't stupid enough to believe it.

[xpaperxcutx]

Guys, I don't understand why you would still want to post in this thread. Ella's decision is made up and she's been an obstinate person since the first post that she doesn't want to have sex with the guy. No matter how many reasons or advices that we give her, she'll come up with an excuse to counter the arguments made. It's a no win situation.

[anne1707]

Please tell him the truth Ella. He obviously cares and has got some sense to realise when you are not being honest. You owe it to him just as much as to yourself. The worst outcome is that the relationship ends but that is what you are planning to do already so you would be no worse off. However it may be that to him, this is not a problem. After all I would not be surprised if there is something about his body he is not entirely happy with.

 

Please take the risk.