too embarrassed to sleep with him

[Itzo]

Yes, I'm taking counselling, I think it will help me. I wish I could start being more positive on my own without professional help, but that clearly hasn't happened.

Talking about my worries on this thread has actually helped me to deal with my problems better, so it is good for me.

As for my friend, well, she just gave her opinion that she thinks surgery is the way to go. I don't fully agree, and am only considering it.

I did not say he is 'better' because he's been with many women. I said that it makes me more insecure about myself.

As for not caring about what he thinks, um, he's my boyfriend; OF COURSE I care about what he thinks of my body. You yourself said that men are very visual, so won't I care about what he thinks?

I'm not sure why you think I should break up with him. I'm longer with my ex who was critical of my body and wanted me to get surgery, and I mentioned that in my first post.

I'm not saying my current boyfriend likes or dislikes my body; I don't know what he really thinks, but he hasn't said anything bad about my body and cares about me a lot, so there is absolutely no reason to end it with him. Yes, I am busy and have many other things going on, but that is hardly a reason to not be in a relationship.

 

Well, men & women think in a very different way. Perhaps I am not very aware of your situation. I did not read all the posts into your thread.

 

If I was too harsh for ya, sometimes this approach helps

That's why you are here ... it is good, because you ask for help, you know most people they are too arrogant to admit to themselves that they need help or for some reason other people close themselves into a shell, & this eating them from inside-out.

 

I think you are in a much better shape than before, sounding differenty from the first post it is weird the communication here. Some old posts caught my attention, something that actualy happened long time ago, I was reflecting on the old stuff & posts... rather than your situation right now.

 

But since you feel progress, keep it up

I've never been in a situation when you are so desperate about yourself & knowing that you do not have control over your own model of reality.

I try to understand as much as I can

[ella23]

Well, men & women think in a very different way. Perhaps I am not very aware of your situation. I did not read all the posts into your thread.

 

If I was too harsh for ya, sometimes this approach helps

That's why you are here ... it is good, because you ask for help, you know most people they are too arrogant to admit to themselves that they need help or for some reason other people close themselves into a shell, & this eating them from inside-out.

 

I think you are in a much better shape than before, sounding differenty from the first post it is weird the communication here. Some old posts caught my attention, something that actualy happened long time ago, I was reflecting on the old stuff & posts... rather than your situation right now.

 

But since you feel progress, keep it up

I've never been in a situation when you are so desperate about yourself & knowing that you do not have control over your own model of reality.

I try to understand as much as I can

Oh no, I didn't mean to say that your post was harsh. A lot of it made sense.

And it's understandable that you've not read the whole thread lol.

It took me a while to accept that I needed professional help to deal with my insecurities and body image problems.

I honestly don't know if I'm in a better shape than before, I'm still insecure about myself!

As for surgery, well, I don't think I want to get it done, but I need to think about it.

[ella23]

And I wonder sometimes if I'm worrying too much but at other times my fears seem valid. I'm quite confused.

Edited January 22, 2010 by ella23

[Itzo]

And I wonder sometimes if I'm worrying too much but at other times my fears seem valid. I'm quite confused.

 

Let me tell you something about FEARS.

They are not real ... just an illusion, but yet everyone has them.

 

Fears prevent us from reaching our goals, aims or desires. If you think about it, behind fears is really nothing REAL. That's why when you face your fears, you are suddenly saying to yourself, wow damn ... that wasn't that scary after all ... it was just my mind that made this up.

 

I am not saying that you should try to resist your fears. Embrace them ... because they are really there to protect you.

 

Imagine a big truck coming in your way, without the intention of stopping ... you do not think about hmmm ... let see ... how fast this truck is moving or is that a fifth wheel truck or eight wheeled? You just jump the hell out of its way, without thinking about it. This is the fear in action that prevents you from getting hurt.

 

Sometimes this fear mechanisms are coming up inside us in the most inappropriate moments, because of variaty of factors (I am not goning into details here) but ask yourself ... is this fear of yours or insecurity is trying to protect you from something? If it does ... what is it? Ask yourself, why you are so afraid of it, you know? ANd then dive into it ... challenge this fear, get into it, ACCEPT it that it may really happen to you, get the inner power & confidence to FACE this fear. Close your eyes, it is okey .... then when this emotion triggers, try to track it your body ... close your eyes, and try to located this emotion inside your body. Is it moving? If so, in what direction .. let it flow .. do not resist on this emotion, no matter what. Do not suppress the emotions you may get from this fear, just accept them & let them flow. Can you see what color is it? Breathe very slowly & open your eyes.

 

Then ask yourself, well ok ... after I faced this fear. What did I learn from this experience. Write it down on a piece of paper, if you had any insights.

 

Do it!

[ella23]

Thanks Itzo, will try that.

hmm So like I said, I don't really talk about my insecurities to him. But he thinks I am being distant again and then the fact that I feel uncomfortable when we have sex( and as a result seem like I'm not really into it), could be a part of why he was annoyed the day before. Also, after the time when I told him why I'd broken up with him, I haven't really talked about these things with him. I feel like I want to ask him to be honest with me, but I don't know if it's a good idea to bring this up again. Also, I'm not sure if it will help me if the truth is upsetting.

He's coming over for the night today and I'm kind of just trying to sort my thoughts out. I guess it's kind of obvious that I love him.

(He said he loved me while he was really drunk over last weekend so that doesn't quite mean anything lol.)

And also since he's annoyed, I have these thoughts that if we break up, I am going to have so many problems finding someone who accepts me again.

Edited January 22, 2010 by ella23

[sugar_and_spice]

stop worrying about the future. just enjoy yourself with your bf.

don't talk about your problems with him. tell him you love him.

Edited January 22, 2010 by sugar_and_spice

[Itzo]

Thanks Itzo, will try that.

And also since he's annoyed, I have these thoughts that if we break up, I am going to have so many problems finding someone who accepts me again.

 

I disagre-e-e about the thing you said "I am going to have so many problems finding someone who accepts me again."

 

Instead of focusing on problems ... rephraze the question with "HOW TO." For instance, How to find a man that accepts me as who I am. And the answers will begin to pop up like caramerlized pop corns in the oven ... so just takin' easy ok?

 

Do not go on auto-pilot with yourself. Your mind is messing with you again. You listen too much your inner talk. Do not trust this noice Don't allow to convince you for anything. The inner TALK is NOT the REAL you.

[ella23]

stop worrying about the future. just enjoy yourself with your bf.

don't talk about your problems with him. tell him you love him.

Thinking about all that is pointless anyway, I should focus on the present and how not to mess my relationship up.

Well, I don't plan to discuss my problems with him (even though I'm tempted to), I don't want to piss him off lol.

I'll leave the discussion on my insecurities for my counselling sessions.

I disagre-e-e about the thing you said "I am going to have so many problems finding someone who accepts me again."

 

Instead of focusing on problems ... rephraze the question with "HOW TO." For instance, How to find a man that accepts me as who I am. And the answers will begin to pop up like caramerlized pop corns in the oven ... so just takin' easy ok?

 

Do not go on auto-pilot with yourself. Your mind is messing with you again. You listen too much your inner talk. Do not trust this noice Don't allow to convince you for anything. The inner TALK is NOT the REAL you.

 

Well, I hope it's my mind messing with me again and not a real problem. I guess I shouldn't be thinking about what I'll do if there's a break up. I might as well focus my energies on making my relationship work. I just start worrying about the future when he gets annoyed!

[Itzo]

stop worrying about the future. just enjoy yourself with your bf.

don't talk about your problems with him. tell him you love him.

 

 

That's a good one ... worrying of the future is pointless.

The future only exist in your mind ... it is not the real thing.

The only real thing is RIGHT NOW. What you are going to do now, to change your life for the future.

 

Did you get it? I am fascinated about this stuff ... like mind-games associated with self-deception.

In fact, the capacity of self-deception is unlimited. I am not going much into detail, because it will get spooky

 

See I think you are much better now. You write more positively, and you are a little bit more in control of yourself. Read your first post ... & compare the non-sense you wrote ... just pissed me off

 

Here I am not talking about sugar_and_spice, in case someone wonders

[ella23]

That's a good one ... worrying of the future is pointless.

The future only exist in your mind ... it is not the real thing.

The only real thing is RIGHT NOW. What you are going to do now, to change your life for the future.

 

Did you get it? I am fascinated about this stuff ... like mind-games associated with self-deception.

In fact, the capacity of self-deception is unlimited. I am not going much into detail, because it will get spooky

 

See I think you are much better now. You write more positively, and you are a little bit more in control of yourself. Read your first post ... & compare the non-sense you wrote ... just pissed me off

 

Here I am not talking about sugar_and_spice, in case someone wonders

 

Lol what pissed you off about the first post and what I wrote recently?

 

I myself said that I should be focussing on the present?

[Itzo]

Lol what pissed you off about the first post and what I wrote recently?

 

I myself said that I should be focussing on the present?

 

Right ... I was just reflecting on your first post. I am not pissed off anymore?

 

Remember my 'harsh' behavior? This is what I meant.

I am not focusing on the past or the present, yet I am gathering information from them to make things better & different from the 'RIGHT NOW' moment

 

Sometimes it pisses me off when I see people who write things like ...

 

"hmm I have to say that looking at how low I feel about my body, I should in fact be considering surgery, even though I don't want to take the risks.

But even if I somehow convince myself, which is unlikely, I probably won't be able to take any time out for a long, long time, especially because it is important to take some extra time out to deal with any complications that might arise." and bla-bla-bla ...

[Itzo]

Let me be clear about my last statement. This doesn't mean I am not trying to understand you or anything, it just triggers my bull sh*t button when someone writes things like that ... because I know deep inside me that they are WRONG. It just bothers me.

[ella23]

Right ... I was just reflecting on your first post. I am not pissed off anymore?

 

Remember my 'harsh' behavior? This is what I meant.

I am not focusing on the past or the present, yet I am gathering information from them to make things better & different from the 'RIGHT NOW' moment

 

Sometimes it pisses me off when I see people who write things like ...

 

"hmm I have to say that looking at how low I feel about my body, I should in fact be considering surgery, even though I don't want to take the risks.

But even if I somehow convince myself, which is unlikely, I probably won't be able to take any time out for a long, long time, especially because it is important to take some extra time out to deal with any complications that might arise." and bla-bla-bla ...

 

Let me be clear about my last statement. This doesn't mean I am not trying to understand you or anything, it just triggers my bull sh*t button when someone writes things like that ... because I know deep inside me that they are WRONG. It just bothers me.

Oh okay. Well, I said I am considering it. Probably won't get it done, but thinking about it. I don't know why that is right or wrong.

It's just an option.

 

And like I said, I only start worrying about the future when he gets annoyed, as I mentioned in my post below. I am trying to make the relationship work, and trying to worry less about the future. I am feeling okay for now, but I feel like I won't be fine till I talk to him again about this, and that isn't what I should do right now. We had a very nice time yesterday, probably because I didn't mention all this.

Thanks Itzo, will try that.

hmm So like I said, I don't really talk about my insecurities to him. But he thinks I am being distant again and then the fact that I feel uncomfortable when we have sex( and as a result seem like I'm not really into it), could be a part of why he was annoyed the day before. Also, after the time when I told him why I'd broken up with him, I haven't really talked about these things with him. I feel like I want to ask him to be honest with me, but I don't know if it's a good idea to bring this up again. Also, I'm not sure if it will help me if the truth is upsetting.

He's coming over for the night today and I'm kind of just trying to sort my thoughts out. I guess it's kind of obvious that I love him.

(He said he loved me while he was really drunk over last weekend so that doesn't quite mean anything lol.)

And also since he's annoyed, I have these thoughts that if we break up, I am going to have so many problems finding someone who accepts me again.

[Itzo]

Oh okay. Well, I said I am considering it. Probably won't get it done, but thinking about it. I don't know why that is right or wrong.

It's just an option.

 

And like I said, I only start worrying about the future when he gets annoyed, as I mentioned in my post below. I am trying to make the relationship work, and trying to worry less about the future. I am feeling okay for now, but I feel like I won't be fine till I talk to him again about this, and that isn't what I should do right now. We had a very nice time yesterday, probably because I didn't mention all this.

 

Interesting.

Let me ask you a question.

How to make the relationship work, without worrying about the future?

WHat are the steps you are planning to take?

 

You may want to consider a good conversation with him ... because, in my opinion, if you do not tell him iT WILL ALWAYS BOTHERS you!

[ella23]

Interesting.

Let me ask you a question.

How to make the relationship work, without worrying about the future?

WHat are the steps you are planning to take?

 

You may want to consider a good conversation with him ... because, in my opinion, if you do not tell him iT WILL ALWAYS BOTHERS you!

 

I don't want to irritate him, maybe some other time.

What steps am I taking? I'm just trying to not be overly concerned about everything and hoping he won't walk out like my ex, just focusing on the present. What else can I really do? Other than taking counselling, lol.

[sugar_and_spice]

if it constantly bothers you, why not talk to him? he's your bf afterall.

Edited January 23, 2010 by sugar_and_spice

[ella23]

if it constantly bothers you, why not talk to him? he's your bf afterall.

Well yes, but things went really well last night when I didn't talk about all this and I don't expect him to be honest when I ask, so why should I bring that up? It's of no use. Might as well focus on having a nice time than irritate him by bringing it up again.

[sugar_and_spice]

You said yourself that it bothers you. that is why you should talk to him, instead of worrying about irritating him.

Edited January 23, 2010 by sugar_and_spice

[ella23]

You said yourself that it bothers you. that is why you should talk to him, instead of worrying about irritating him.

Yeah, I know, but how likely is he to be honest if he thinks otherwise?

He did ask if my counselling was going well. I told him it was and he didn't ask much apart from that, so I left it at that.

When he insulted your boobies you should have smacked him in the balls with them.

 

lol, well, everyone has preferences, I guess.

[Itzo]

Yeah, I know, but how likely is he to be honest if he thinks otherwise?

He did ask if my counselling was going well. I told him it was and he didn't ask much apart from that, so I left it at that.

 

Since he asked, it means that he cares & WANT TO KNOW. Perhaps he saw you were holding back something. Just say what bothers you that's ALL.

 

Everyone is TRYING to convince you right now to talk to your boyfriend. This is a very hard game to play, and I am not going to be part of it for that long. Life is yours, do whatever you think is RIGHT for ya

 

Trying to convince somebody about something, is like trying to shoot a target with closed eyes or blind. It doesn't make any sense

[ella23]

Since he asked, it means that he cares & WANT TO KNOW. Perhaps he saw you were holding back something. Just say what bothers you that's ALL.

 

Everyone is TRYING to convince you right now to talk to your boyfriend. This is a very hard game to play, and I am not going to be part of it for that long. Life is yours, do whatever you think is RIGHT for ya

 

Trying to convince somebody about something, is like trying to shoot a target with closed eyes or blind. It doesn't make any sense

See, I already spoke to him about it once a few days ago. I just didn't think he was being honest. Maybe my worries are warranted, maybe they aren't.

I can't change the way he truly feels, but I suppose he probably doesn't find me repulsive because he chose to stay with me.

Of course, he cares about how my counselling is going. That doesn't mean that I should sit and talk about my body issues with him. Yes, it bothers me that he possibly doesn't find me physically attractive. But I think I need to accept that and move on.

Besides he was annoyed by my insecurity recently.

[Itzo]

See, I already spoke to him about it once a few days ago. I just didn't think he was being honest. Maybe my worries are warranted, maybe they aren't.

I can't change the way he truly feels, but I suppose he probably doesn't find me repulsive because he chose to stay with me.

Of course, he cares about how my counselling is going. That doesn't mean that I should sit and talk about my body issues with him. Yes, it bothers me that he possibly doesn't find me physically attractive. But I think I need to accept that and move on.

Besides he was annoyed by my insecurity recently.

 

Well, ok ... I agree that if my girlfriend says, "My kitticat (oh long story), I want to tell you something" and I am like what? she continous ... "ok aaaam I think a have an issue with my breasts ..." And at this moment ... this could be a little annoying for me, BUT why you think he doesn't know this already? If you two slept or had sex already ... he must have noticed it in some way or another. If the contact was fine, then there is no reason for you to think that way about that he might not find you physically attractive ANYMORE. If he had a great sex then almost nothing else matters See I am jumping around here, cuz I do not know your situation in detail, but you get the idea.

[Phateless]

See, I already spoke to him about it once a few days ago. I just didn't think he was being honest. Maybe my worries are warranted, maybe they aren't.

I can't change the way he truly feels, but I suppose he probably doesn't find me repulsive because he chose to stay with me.

Of course, he cares about how my counselling is going. That doesn't mean that I should sit and talk about my body issues with him. Yes, it bothers me that he possibly doesn't find me physically attractive. But I think I need to accept that and move on.

Besides he was annoyed by my insecurity recently.

 

What's bothering him is how big an ISSUE you are making it. I guarantee you that he doesn't care that your boobs sag and what's bugging him is your insecure and irrational behavior.

 

Trust me...

[ella23]

What's bothering him is how big an ISSUE you are making it. I guarantee you that he doesn't care that your boobs sag and what's bugging him is your insecure and irrational behavior.

 

Trust me...

I haven't mentioned how much it's bothering me to him. I didn't talk about it at all! So I'm not really behaving irrationally.

I know it's possible that I'm worrying needlessly, but can't help it because I can't get the doubts out of my mind.

I think here are certain other things which are probably messing my mind up about this, I'll bring them up with my counsellor.

Edited January 25, 2010 by ella23

[Phateless]

I haven't mentioned how much it's bothering me to him. I didn't talk about it at all! So I'm not really behaving irrationally.

I know it's possible that I'm worrying needlessly, but can't help it because I can't get the doubts out of my mind.

I think here are certain other things which are probably messing my mind up about this, I'll bring them up with my counsellor.

 

It's good that you know that you don't need to worry about it, but I completely understand why you can't stop. It's fear and insecurity. I've been through it myself so I know how crazy it can make you.

 

Try to just ride it out, and post on here instead of going too crazy.