Chickensh*t

[reboot]

Hey stamp.... told ya so.

[Confused4Now]

this is the only word that comes to my mind anymore when I think about a MW or MM...

 

I have been here now for a couple of years, and I have had my own personal nightmare of a story, followed up by another potential nightmare (but saw the light), and I remember when I came on here all broken hearted, but yet hopeful, and yes, believing WE were different, that SHE was different. I have read so many other stories, with new ones appearing every single day. I see the YEARS taken, I see the DAMAGE done to alot of people and it seems to have lead to one particular pattern:

 

MW and MM's are nothing less than CHICKEN SH*T!

 

What, one out of 1000 isn't?

 

I remember I used to think, "it's only been 6 months, how can I expect her to just "up and leave"? Then I was thinking, "ok, it's now a year, surely the "process" will start any day now..." Then I was thinking, "wtf? 2 years and nothing? maybe we'll get caught? yeah, that will change things..." Then I was thinking, "3 years now, we DID get caught! Now things will get rolling.." NOW I am thinking, " 5 years and what a piece of chickensh*t all MW and MM's are, especially MINE"

 

have a nice day

Amen to everything you said SD....I totally agree with everything, but just remember one thing I was a MM seeing a MW and left my marriage and got my divorce. So I guess that makes me the one in 1000?

[stampdaddy]

StampDaddy... I hear your pain. Sometimes we just can't help who we love. And because we love them so much, we inherently want to see the good in them -- and that means making excuses for them, and hoping that they will do what's best for US.

 

Sorry for you pain

.

 

thanks, BUT, my pain is now more for all of you folks.. the ones that don't get it yet, and what REALLY hurts, is that you won't get it until it is WAY TOO LATE...

 

Bottom line for me is that yes, I met a woman that I fell in love with right then and there. A woman that fell in love with me, and who painted the picture of a marriage that had been over for a long time. A woman that showed me by her actions that she loved me (she basically lived a double life), a woman that traveled with me, a woman that quit having sex with her H, a woman that got them into counselling to "show her H the marriage was over", etc, etc, etc...

 

A WOMAN THAT WOULD STILL STAY MARRIED IF IT WERE UP TO HER, and she would still have the affair with me because her H never showed her any consequenses...

 

a woman that is a piece of chicken sh*t!

[Meaplus3]

With no malice intended, I agree. For every MM or MW who strays, there is a partner. And many of those partners are single individuals who think that this will be different...or rather he or she is different. And most find out that this isn't so.

 

Those that cheat in many cases (certainly not all) are seeking an out from a less than satisfying marriage. They seek an affair out of a need. The OM or OW is the one who thinks that this will be love and ends up the most hurt from it all.

 

YET...that OM or OW went in (many times certainly not all) knowing that this wonderful person was already married.

 

Affairs are made up of two people....neither and both are a victim.

 

Yes.. 100 % Exactly to all James said here. Great post James.

 

Mea:)

[stampdaddy]

Amen to everything you said SD....I totally agree with everything, but just remember one thing I was a MM seeing a MW and left my marriage and got my divorce. So I guess that makes me the one in 1000?

 

 

no pal, you're one in a million.......

[donnamaybe]

Amen to everything you said SD....I totally agree with everything, but just remember one thing I was a MM seeing a MW and left my marriage and got my divorce. So I guess that makes me the one in 1000?

 

And what did the MW in your case do?

[wheelwright]

Some MM/MW are chicken, but others are trying to work out the wise path for their lives. That we don't know doesn't necessarily mean we are chicken. Being scared of making one hell of a big mistake is actually quite wise.

 

Having an A is a symptom of the 'I don't know'. And this is also why so many get hurt.

 

Imagine the alternative, where every time we fall for someone else, regardless how intense the feelings or the life circumstances, we just up and leave the lives we have made for ourselves. Not a pretty picture for society is it? (Or?)

 

Sometimes they stay because working things out is the mature thing to do. Because we're taught as kids to stick at things and make them work, to perservere and we'll get something valuable from it.

 

Maybe MM/MW don't make changes because they are afraid. But we all know fear is a healthy thing - my kids are afraid to walk in the road. That doesn't make them chickens**t.

 

This is coming from a MOW who was prepared to make the changes, but whose MOM wasn't.

[Devil Inside]

You are absolutely right, DI. And it sounds like you should end your marriage now before latching on to someone new again. But, then again, I suspect that you already knew that....

 

There are a whole host of reasons why MM/MW don't leave. I will say, as a MOW, that I wouldn't leave for my AP because, while I loved him, love isn't enough. And I love my kids too much to leave.

 

Affairs just suck. In my opinion, people cheat because they are frickin' damaged. Period. Myself included. And nothing good ever comes from an affair. Only pain, disappointment, and a lot of hurt to the BS.

 

StampDaddy... I hear your pain. Sometimes we just can't help who we love. And because we love them so much, we inherently want to see the good in them -- and that means making excuses for them, and hoping that they will do what's best for US.

 

Sorry for you pain.

 

I can agree on many of your points here.

 

Am I damaged..yeah. Did I not leave my M for my xAP because in the end it was not worth it to give up all I had to for her...yeah.

 

Does all of that make me a chickensh*t...well...on some levels yes.

 

So what happens now...I have to stop being afraid and really figure out what I want out of life, and what it is going to take to get there...and a lot of that is going to involve courage.

 

I have a lot of it figured out. What I want is worth the pain that I will have to endure to get it. I will need a lot of courage...and to tell you the truth..it's there, it may be buried, but it's there. So maybe if anything...my A taught me that I can't get what I want by being chickensh*t.

[xpaperxcutx]

I've never been with an MM or WS before but I had been the OW when it came to trying to steal an ex. The thing is, when you're being constantly fed " lies" that all they want was you, it was just simply easier to believe rather than contradict their words with their actions upfront.

 

I admit I was a DumbSh** myself then, but I will also like to add I learned my lesson young to be wary of it in the future.

[Devil Inside]

Some MM/MW are chicken, but others are trying to work out the wise path for their lives. That we don't know doesn't necessarily mean we are chicken. Being scared of making one hell of a big mistake is actually quite wise.

 

Having an A is a symptom of the 'I don't know'. And this is also why so many get hurt.

 

Imagine the alternative, where every time we fall for someone else, regardless how intense the feelings or the life circumstances, we just up and leave the lives we have made for ourselves. Not a pretty picture for society is it? (Or?)

 

Sometimes they stay because working things out is the mature thing to do. Because we're taught as kids to stick at things and make them work, to perservere and we'll get something valuable from it.

 

Maybe MM/MW don't make changes because they are afraid. But we all know fear is a healthy thing - my kids are afraid to walk in the road. That doesn't make them chickens**t.

 

This is coming from a MOW who was prepared to make the changes, but whose MOM wasn't.

 

 

WW...thank you for writing this post. I needed to read these words. I was obviously very triggered by this thread..and fell into a self loathing mode.

 

Life is not black or white. No matter how much it helps us to make sense of it that way.

[Confused4Now]

And what did the MW in your case do?

My story is very similar to SD's. January will mark the 4th year I've been seeing my MW and I've gone through all of what SD did including the DDay and she still with her H and not filed the papers yet. She continuse to say she is getting out. (yeah right) Excuse after excuse. Even though I have limited contact with her now. I've started dating and moving forward with my life.

[wheelwright]

You're very right to not do the self-loathing think DI. You strike me as ultimately decent, and not someone afraid to face the issues.

 

I think all of us who have been involved in an A are acting from the 'I don't know' position. And there is as much bravery in accepting this as in anything.

 

I was wondering if things in your M are improving? I think I feel similarly about my H as you about your W.

[stampdaddy]

You're very right to not do the self-loathing think DI. You strike me as ultimately decent, and not someone afraid to face the issues.

 

I think all of us who have been involved in an A are acting from the 'I don't know' position. And there is as much bravery in accepting this as in anything.

 

I was wondering if things in your M are improving? I think I feel similarly about my H as you about your W.

 

But when does your "I don't know" symptom get addressed? I mean, not trying to sound ignorant, but could it be until the next MM or OM comes along?

 

How long does one "not know" before not knowing is enough? Therefore, changing the diagnosis to "chickensh*tachosis"

[reboot]

You have become very wise grasshopper.

[donnamaybe]

My story is very similar to SD's. January will mark the 4th year I've been seeing my MW and I've gone through all of what SD did including the DDay and she still with her H and not filed the papers yet. She continuse to say she is getting out. (yeah right) Excuse after excuse. Even though I have limited contact with her now. I've started dating and moving forward with my life.

 

So she would fall into the C.S. category then?

 

Good for you for taking control of YOUR life!!

[Confused4Now]

So she would fall into the C.S. category then?

 

Good for you for taking control of YOUR life!!

I would say yes at the moment. It's very clear she wants to get out of her own situation. I can see her changing directions in her approach on life. I just don't see it including me.

[wheelwright]

But when does your "I don't know" symptom get addressed? I mean, not trying to sound ignorant, but could it be until the next MM or OM comes along?

 

How long does one "not know" before not knowing is enough? Therefore, changing the diagnosis to "chickensh*tachosis" SD

No, it is not until something else lights your fire.

 

I feel very sorry for anyone who has been in this sort of relationship so long that the 'I don't know' becomes part of their existence rather than a question. But that's what happens sometimes. And these people need a kick up the ass.

 

Some people bury their head in the sand to avoid pain, and that will resolve nada.

 

I would have been happy for my xMOM to fence sit like this for a long time, but he felt that would have demeaned me/him, so he threw me under a bus. I do respect him for his foresight, but also feel he threw away many occasions of illicit bliss. But they would have been illicit.

 

I am really not sure whether I am grateful to him for that or not. But if your AP is not ready to commit to you, that's the choice they face, eh?

 

I am just saying that they are not so much chicken, as unsure.

 

And you should only stay in the A for as long as that is a reasonably healthy place for you. Beyond that and into chronic conditions, well you have the power to make a move, don't you?

[ladydesigner]

Some MM/MW are chicken, but others are trying to work out the wise path for their lives. That we don't know doesn't necessarily mean we are chicken. Being scared of making one hell of a big mistake is actually quite wise.

Having an A is a symptom of the 'I don't know'. And this is also why so many get hurt.

 

Imagine the alternative, where every time we fall for someone else, regardless how intense the feelings or the life circumstances, we just up and leave the lives we have made for ourselves. Not a pretty picture for society is it? (Or?)

 

Sometimes they stay because working things out is the mature thing to do. Because we're taught as kids to stick at things and make them work, to perservere and we'll get something valuable from it.

 

Maybe MM/MW don't make changes because they are afraid. But we all know fear is a healthy thing - my kids are afraid to walk in the road. That doesn't make them chickens**t.

 

This is coming from a MOW who was prepared to make the changes, but whose MOM wasn't.

 

Excellent post Wheelwright!!! While my actions by having an affair are disgusting and I do and have been trying to figure out why it happened and who I have become. If I would have left my M for XOM it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. Did I think of this back then...No... but 1.5 years later and 4 months of NC, I am damn well sure that I was not "In Love" with him and I would have made the biggest mistake of my lifetime...bigger than having the A.

[Hazyhead]

I think it's a fair point Wheelwright, to say that they don't know the 'right' path to choose and they remain undecided. It's understandable in their situation. But, I do think those that profess love and commitment to both their BS and their AP, telling both that they will be with them, that they want more than anything to make things work for them - they are chicken****. If only each truly knew the truth from the other side.

 

I would never want to force a person to commit to something that they do not want, but I was the dumb**** that believed in the commitment I was being promised.

[stampdaddy]

I think it's a fair point Wheelwright, to say that they don't know the 'right' path to choose and they remain undecided. It's understandable in their situation. But, I do think those that profess love and commitment to both their BS and their AP, telling both that they will be with them, that they want more than anything to make things work for them - they are chicken****. If only each truly knew the truth from the other side.

 

I would never want to force a person to commit to something that they do not want, but I was the dumb**** that believed in the commitment I was being promised.

 

 

EXACTLY!!! When I started this thread, it was exactly because of this, NOT to question good eggs like WW... But personally, I was promised a LIFE, I was promised and given her LOVE, I was promised a FUTURE...

 

and SO WAS HER HUSBAND

 

and she chose NEITHER.... CHICKENSH*T

 

and me, well STUPIDSH*T

Edited December 17, 2009 by stampdaddy

[Hazyhead]

Ah! That future... I remember it well... it looked so good... there sitting nicely in The Land of Make Believe.

 

I'd better watch something funny on TV or something now or i'll be ending my day all bitter, and that's not normally me :-/

[ladydesigner]

EXACTLY!!! When I started this thread, it was exactly because of this, NOT to question good eggs like WW... But personally, I was promised a LIFE, I was promised and given her LOVE, I was promised a FUTURE...

 

and SO WAS HER HUSBAND

 

and she chose NEITHER.... CHICKENSH*T

 

I agree this would be chickens**t and shame on all WS that do this. I never promised anything to my XOM and he did not promise me anything. We were 2 great friends who got caught up in an emotional turned PA and neither of us saw it coming. The situation was confusing at most, but in the end I thank my lucky stars that he left me. He actually did the biggest favor by ending the A.

[Lizzie60]

Well SD.. I have to disagree...

 

People who get involved with MP and believe they will have a future with them are 'naive' IMO (in most cases, not all, btdt)...not stupid sh't... most MP don't want to leave their M... they just need a little 'sextra curricular activities'...

 

I never promised any of my MMs anything and they never promised me anything.. it's clear from the start..

 

Some WSs who fall for their OP.. are most of the time, tortured between the life they want with their OP and the life they already have (kids, etc.). It's not easy.. and I don't see them as chicken sh*t.. I see them, in most cases, as people who are not sexually or emotionally satisfied in their own M.. but cannot make the big decision for some reason.. (and most of the time .. that reason is called 'children'..

[ladydesigner]

Some WSs who fall for their OP.. are most of the time, tortured between the life they want with their OP and the life they already have (kids, etc.). It's not easy.. and I don't see them as chicken sh*t.. I see them, in most cases, as people who are not sexually or emotionally satisfied in their own M.. but cannot make the big decision for some reason.. (and most of the time .. that reason is called 'children'..

 

Lizzie I love your post and you know what I guess we can't have it all.

 

I have to agree I was not being emotionally satisfied in my M, physically yes, but emotionally I was not. What was strange about my A was that the actual sex turned out to be a huge disappointment, the emotional bond was great, kissing, talking, flirting, but in the sack I was not pleased. That became the big deal breaker as far as me wanting to leave my M because my H was so good in bed. Oh and you are right if there are kids in the picture I would say most will never leave the marriage. It was one of my main reasons.

[stampdaddy]

Well SD.. I have to disagree...

 

People who get involved with MP and believe they will have a future with them are 'naive' IMO (in most cases, not all, btdt)...not stupid sh't... most MP don't want to leave their M... they just need a little 'sextra curricular activities'...

 

I never promised any of my MMs anything and they never promised me anything.. it's clear from the start..

 

Some WSs who fall for their OP.. are most of the time, tortured between the life they want with their OP and the life they already have (kids, etc.). It's not easy.. and I don't see them as chicken sh*t.. I see them, in most cases, as people who are not sexually or emotionally satisfied in their own M.. but cannot make the big decision for some reason.. (and most of the time .. that reason is called 'children'..

 

Hey now!! I guess I was "naive", but I had never been down that road before. I knew that couples had problems, that they got divorced, and that there was a process of doing so, having been through it before. So, in MY case, I thought just maybe I showed up early. And from EVERY action and word that she gave me, I had NO DOUBT that it would work out.... Now, over TIME, when things didnt change, is when I became the Stupidsh*t. And over that same time, when she didnt lift a f*cking finger to do anything is when she became Chickensh*t..

 

disagree with me all day if you want